The American Princess - Best Love Story Ever (33 page)

Later, alone with Brad in their room at the
Prince, she began to relax. "I shouldn't have made that
announcement. Did you see how angry that crowd became. I thought
they were going to lynch someone."

"You've become every male's fondest fantasy.
We'd be well advised to remember that."

She smiled, showed him her beauty spot with
the heart shaped tattoo, and said, "Please Do Me, Mr.
Chance-Raiden."

He was quick to comply. "'When [her tennis]
day is done, [a Tawny Cat] just wants to have fun,'" he said.

Helen
of Troy and a Tawny Enchantress

Brad held Betty-Jo, savoring her taste and
her aroma. Then he delighted in her soft springiness. "It will
please you to know that you were a boon to all mankind
tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"How can I be delicate? If it were possible
to get an accurate count, it would probably be discovered that you
made more men arrive in one evening than any woman in history."

She thought for a moment. "Promise you won't
laugh."

He laughed. "Sorry, I know you too well. I'm
laughing already. You're wondering how many men arrived tonight
because of you." She hid her face against his shoulder, and punched
at his ribs. "Let's see, world-wide, I would guess 100 million men
watched you, and thirty percent of them would have been turned on
enough to indulge themselves in some fashion. So you're the tawny
reason why some thirty million males did their thing tonight.
Replays of your match will add to that number. You'll probably go
down in history with a more enduring reputation as a femme fatal
than Helen of Troy."

"What do you mean?" She was suddenly very
attentive.

"You could be revered through the ages as a
woman with a timeless allure for men—much like Helen—renowned for
your incomparable beauty, grace, and sex appeal. What would you
prefer to be renowned as: a tawny enchantress, vamp, or siren."

"...I think I'd like to be a tawny
enchantress."

He grinned. "I suspected you might, but tawny
siren also has an appealing ring to it. I don't think there are too
many sirens left."

"Wasn't it the sirens who were always luring
sailors to their doom."

"If a siren is what you want to be, I don't
think we'll have too much trouble finding a few sailors for you to
doom. Perhaps you could even be the first serial siren. But back to
Helen. She was a myth of the ancient Greeks, although who's to say
that her myth wasn't based on reality. What do you know about
her?"

"Only that her face launched a thousand
ships."

"Helen of Troy was insignificant compared to
the Tawny Enchantress who launched a godzillion sperm."

"How many is a godzillion?"

"More than God himself can count."

"But how many is that?"

"Okay, you insatiably curious cat, I'll tell
you." He grabbed a pen, and a piece of paper. "The average guy
liberates some 300 million of those miniature tadpole-shaped
critters when he does his thing. We estimate that thirty million
males did their thing tonight because of you. So that makes you the
Tawny Enchantress who launched 300 million sperm, times thirty
million men, or—9,000 trillion sperm."

"Would that be more or less than nine
quadrillion of the little trouble makers?"

"Whichever, Ms Smarty-pants. When you think
about it, that puts Helen to shame with her launch of a mere
thousand ships."

"I don't know. Somehow launching ships seems
more substantial than launching tadpole look-a-likes, not to
mention more glamorous."

"Look at it this way—do you think the sailors
had any fun launching the thousand ships?"

"Probably not. And now you're going to tell
me that lots of guys had lots of fun launching the godzillion
sperm."

He gave her a hungry kiss. "It's a hell of a
lot of fun watching you—even when nothing's being launched."

She kissed him hungrily back. "Do you know
what Helen did to launch the thousand ships?

"One thing I know for sure is that she didn't
play tennis."

"Seriously."

"She didn't do much. As far as I know, she
had none of your talent. But just as you are the most beautiful
woman in America, Helen was the most beautiful woman in ancient
Greece."

She nuzzled Brad, and snuggled closer to him,
soaking up the glitter in his praise. Then she floated on a
Brad-made cloud, unable to believe that anyone would place her in
the company of Helen of Troy.

"Every prince in Greece wanted Helen. At that
time, patriarchies were serious business, so when the time came for
Helen to marry, it was her father who decided who would have
her.

Betty-Jo scowled at him. "Why am I not
surprised?"

"Tawny, that was one of history's
patriarchies. So why are you scowling at your favorite fiancé when
it's not his fault?"

"I shouldn't be, she said, Before she gave
him a slurpy kiss.

"Helen's father—a clever fellow—made all of
the princes, who wanted Helen, swear an oath to punish anyone who
tried to steal her from the husband he chose for her. Then he chose
Menelaus, the wealthiest of her suitors and the son of the Spartan
king."

"Sounds like Helen was set for life."

"She was, except for one small detail.
Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love—who, by the way, changed her
name to Venus when the Romans came along—had promised the most
beautiful woman in Greece to Paris, the son of the Trojan king.
Paris had judged Venus to be the fairest of all the goddesses, and
presented her with a golden apple bearing the inscription 'For the
Fairest'. Helen was Paris's reward for his unbiased opinion."

"Venus rigged the beauty contest?"

"Of course. For Venus, losing a beauty
contest was unthinkable. She was willing to do whatever it took to
win, and what she thought it would take was Helen. Unfortunately,
Helen was married to Menelaus."

"Oh, oh. I just hope that Venus has stopped
causing trouble now."

"Venus has reformed. But back then she was a
serious troublemaker, undeterred by a minor detail like Helen's
marital status. She arranged for Paris to go to Sparta to meet
Helen, and then she employed all of her wiles to make Helen fall
madly in love with him. In fact, Helen was in love with Paris from
the moment she saw him. It was his dimples, and his captivating
grin that did her in. Now wait 'til you hear what Paris did to
seduce the beguiling Helen, even though she was already his."

"Tell me."

"At first, with his heart hammering in his
chest, he just gazed at Helen, such was her beauty. But then, at
dinner, he became more daring. He picked up Helen's goblet and
sipped wine from the side that her lips had touched."

"Oh, Brad."

"Then, on the table in front of Helen, he
traced the words 'I LOVE YOU'.

Betty-Jo sighed. "That is as wonderful a love
story as Romeo and Juliet."

"Every love story is wonderful in its own
way—but our love story is my favorite.
It's the best love story ever.
"

"It is," she said, as she snuggled against
her lover, and placed his hand on her breast.

"Menelaus, suspecting nothing, asked Helen to
entertain Paris while he went off to hunt wild boars. With Menelaus
away, Helen and Paris were able to steal across the Aegean Sea to
the Trojan city of Troy.

"Helen and Paris' love story is so
romantic."

"It was more romantic back then, than it
would be today. Today—if some prince stole a guy's wife—most men
would figure that their best revenge would be to let him keep
her."

She rubbed against him. "Very funny, but as I
recall, you weren't about to let Jim Bob O'Hara steal me away from
you, and carry me off to Sunset Beach in his Jimmy."

He laughed. "That's because Jimbo wasn't good
enough for you. For you, nothing but the best."

She smiled and nuzzled him. "You are the
best. So what happened to Helen and Paris?"

"Do you really want to hear about Helen's
humiliation?"

"Why is it that when a woman has an affair,
she always has to suffer for it?"

"Women hardly suffer at all now, but in
Helen's day, there was serious suffering."

"Serious suffering?"

"When a married woman was caught fooling
around, she was stripped naked and tossed into a large burlap bag
with a bunch of cats. The bag was tied around her neck, and slowly
immersed in water. Of course that riled the cats."

"That's horrible!"

"It was. But it discouraged want to be
adulteresses from straying too far from the hearth fires."

"I'll never be unfaithful to you! Especially
not now that I know about the cats." She ran her nails across his
chest, so he'd understand that he would also have a cat to worry
about if he strayed from her hearth fire.

"Are you sure you'll never be unfaithful to
me? After a while, new lovers are more exciting than old
husbands."

"Then I won't marry you after all."

"Now you've ruined my day—much like Helen
ruined Menelaus' day when he returned home, and found he'd been
cuckolded."

"Yuck. What a terrible word. Couldn't you say
he'd been betrayed?"

"I could. But Menelaus had definitely been
cuckolded, and everybody knew it. The King of Sparta might as well
have been walking around with a yellow sticky-note on his forehead
that read: I can't satisfy my wife."

"We don't know that he couldn't satisfy
her."

"True. But when wives are unfaithful, and
their infidelity becomes public knowledge, that's what's
assumed."

She ran her fingertips along the back of
Brad's neck. "Now I almost feel sorry for Menelaus."

"Don't feel too sorry for him yet. I suspect
he'll find a way to get even with Helen. For starters, he declared
that all Greeks had been shamed by Paris, and he called on Helen's
suitors to fulfill their oath to punish the rascal."

"So the Greeks launched their ships."

Brad picked up a brush, and began to brush
his Tawny Cat's hair. "They set sail for the city of Troy in a
thousand ships, give or take a few. Ten years later, the Trojan War
ended when the Greeks used the old Trojan horse trick, only then it
was a new Trojan horse trick, because it hadn't been used
before."

"That's where the Greeks pretended to give
up. But when they sailed away, they left a giant horse as a parting
gift."

"Right, a giant hollow horse, full of Greek
soldiers. When the overconfident Trojans hauled the horse into
their city, it was game over. In the middle of the night, the
Greeks left the horse through a secret door and opened the city
gates for their waiting comrades."

"Who was it who said 'I fear the Greeks, even
when they bring gifts'?"

Brad stopped brushing, and began to unbutton
her blouse. "Who knows, but the fear of Greeks bearing gifts
probably started with the horse."

"So what happened?"

"The Trojans had spent the night celebrating
their victory. They were in no condition to stand, let alone fight.
Paris was one of the few Trojan heroes that night, but he was
hopelessly outnumbered. When the battle was clearly lost, he fought
his way to Helen—he had to hold her one last time. But just as he
reached out and touched her, they were torn apart."

Brad moved his hand and touched Betty-Jo's
cheek. Instantly, her body was ablaze. It was as if, somehow,
Paris' caress had traversed the corridors of time, and found
her....

"Will you take me to Troy on our honeymoon.
I'd like to be with you where Helen and Paris were lovers. I feel
that, somehow, we're connected to them."

"If it's Troy you want, it's Troy you shall
have. And if Troy's no fun, we'll sail the Aegean. The waves will
be crashing against the bow of our sailing yacht, and the wind will
be in your hair. I'll have one hand on the wheel, and the other
around you."

She stood up. "Why don't you practice holding
me with one hand now."

"Good idea. I'll put on Sounds of the Sea,
turn the air-conditioner fan to high, and set our yacht on a
starboard tack."

Before long, Brad had the hang of handling
his Tawny Cat with only one hand, as they swayed from side to side
in a rolling swell.

His hand browsed. "You learn quickly," she
said.

"We'll make for Rhodes—see if we can find the
Colossus."

"What if we can't?"

"Then north to Greece. We'll climb Mount
Olympus, and chat with the gods."

She hugged her favorite lover. "Tell me what
happened to Helen."

"What happened to Helen wasn't pretty."

"Not the cats!"

"No cats," Brad said, "but in front of his
troops, and before the gods, Menelaus put Helen over his knee,
pulled up her shift, and..."

"He didn't!"

"It gets interesting, and it gets worse.
Helen had a beauty spot on her inner thigh in the same place as
yours, and like you, she didn't wear panties."

"Hold me," Betty-Jo demanded.

"Following her public humiliation, Helen was
taken back to Sparta, where she languished away, pining for
Paris."

"Didn't Paris want her back?"

"Of course he wanted her back. He loved her
more than ever, and he demanded that Venus get her back for him—but
Venus refused. She said she'd fulfilled her part of the bargain,
and anyway, getting Helen back would be a waste of time, because
Paris would just go and lose her again.

"So what did Paris do?" Betty-Jo wanted to
know.

"Paris was desperate. He went to Zeus, and
told him that the beauty contest had been rigged."

"What? Paris ratted?"

"Zeus was furious. He brought Venus before
him, and publicly chastised her. Then, to add to her disgrace, he
gave her Golden Apple to his wife, Hera, the beauty contest
runner-up."