The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (17 page)

FIGURE 4.2:
Hand strikes can be devastating.

FIGURE 4.3:
An elbow can deliver a powerful strike.

Knee Strikes

The knees are a formidable weapon when wielded with skill and vigor. There is little your flimsy alien adversary will be able to do to defend itself against a barrage of well-placed knee strikes. Knees can be enthusiastically applied while your alien opponent is standing or lying on the ground, cowering for mercy. Try to knee target areas, including your opponent's face, head, ribs, hips, stomach, thighs, or solar plexus. Continue to knee your opponent until it is disabled.

Kicks

Kicking is a very good way of attacking an alien because it allows you to keep some distance between you and your opponent. Plus, your legs contain the largest muscle group and are capable of producing powerful strikes. They are also protected from injury to some degree by footwear.

A combination of kicking and then stomping on a downed alien is sometimes an effective way of bring your disagreement to an end. Remember to use your heel to deliver a volley of targeted strikes to vital areas.

Choking

An adult's hands will easily encircle an alien's neck, which is not much thicker than an average forearm in circumference. If you can wring the water out of a dishtowel, you have all it takes to strangle an alien.

FIGURE 4.4:
Knee strikes are a good close-range technique.

FIGURE 4.5:
Kicks are devastating and can help maintain distance.

Choking is an effective way of taking the wind out of your adversary's sails. You must, however, be prepared to hold on to a writhing alien's neck for the duration of the ride. As aliens are capable of holding their breath for upward of twenty minutes, you may not have sufficient time to stick around until they lose consciousness.

Rather than targeting the respiratory system, it is usually more efficient to cut off the alien's blood supply to its brain by clenching the arteries on the side of its neck, which can result in unconsciousness within two to three minutes. This period of unconsciousness is somewhat brief. Use this window of opportunity to finish the alien off. A sharp twist to the head by 100 degrees or more will generally suffice, snapping the vertebrae in its neck like a carrot.

FIGURE 4.6:
Use choking to cut off the alien's blood supply.

THE ETHICS OF VIOLENCE: IS IT WRONG TO KILL ALIENS?

When you find yourself in hand-to-hand combat with your alien foes and have the choice of either taking them out or being abducted, violated, and subjected to the gross indignities of forced medical experimentation, the last thing you want to have on your mind is the ethical implications of your actions. You must have no doubt that what you are doing is morally justifiable. When you put that bullet between those two bug eyes, you need to be able to go home and sleep soundly in the knowledge that you've done the right thing.

Humanity has a long and bloody history of butchering other sentient species on Earth for our own benefit. Animals are routinely slaughtered for food, clothes, leather, “vermin” control, and even entertainment and self-aggrandizement. Most of us never give a second thought to the countless beasts that suffer and die so that our species may dominate. No one thinks about the cute lamb frolicking in the fields when we pick up cellophane-wrapped chops at the supermarket. An alien should be afforded as much consideration (meaning, none) while you're dragging a cold blade across its slender neck.

A strange quirk of evolution has resulted in our species holding the power to decide the fate of all other species on planet Earth. Our genetic heritage, crafted by the laws of “tooth and claw” and the survival of the fittest, has given us dominion over all we survey. But our position is tenuous. We must continue to fight for it. We now face an extraterrestrial enemy that, like us, has an indomitable desire to vanquish all “lesser” species, which by their measure includes us. Yet, despite the obvious intelligence and superior technologies of our alien visitors, they are not human, and we are therefore under no obligation to grant them either “human” or “civil” rights. We need not show restraint. We can discharge both barrels with confidence. Murder, by definition, is a word reserved for the deliberate killing of other individuals of our own species. This term cannot be used to describe the intentional killing of aliens.

Questions of ethics, no doubt interesting to philosophers and academics, should not cloud your mind in an alien-conflict situation. The bottom line is, when placed in an “us or them” situation, moral considerations fly out the window. Shoot first, angst later. It is your duty — not only to yourself and your family, but also to your species — to prevail, no matter how great the alien body count.

Remember, you are not the ruthless tyrant, you are not the relentless oppressor, you're just a guy defending your home, planet Earth. Any planet worth living on is worth fighting for.

If the only thing standing between an alien and the rest of humanity is you and a .44 caliber Smith & Wesson, then go ahead … make my day.

Although few people will have access to military weapons during a close encounter, many will be able to lay their hands on conventional weapons of death: Uncle Albert's hunting rifle, the carving knife you used to cut last Sunday's roast, a screwdriver in the toolbox in the back of your SUV — all can be added to your personal arsenal. Adaptability is the key to success in any tight situation; your resourcefulness will determine who prevails when you unexpectedly come face-to-face with your alien foes.

The secret to successfully shooting aliens is quite simple: You find them, and you shoot them. This strategy first gained notoriety during the Boer War in South Africa at the beginning of the twentieth century. Harry “Breaker” Morant, an Englishman who enlisted in the Australian Armed Forces to aid the British war against Boer “commandos,” was given a directive that any Boers wearing khaki (the color of the British uniform) could be shot on sight. He was subsequently brought to trial over following this order. When asked by the court under what rule he had killed the Boers, he said he had shot them under “Rule 303,” a reference to the Lee-Enfield rifle commonly used by the British Army at the time.

Find them and shoot them. Applying this straightforward rule of engagement of our alien enemies is both a simple and effective strategy. If you have the means to take them out, then authority is granted under “Rule 303.”

A wide variety of firearms can be successfully employed to ruin an alien's day. The humble BB gun, wielded by skillful hands, can inflict fatal wounds. Even if you're out of ammo, don't turn and run away; you can still use your firearm to bludgeon the offending alien to death.

Don't leave it to the last moment to familiarize yourself with firearms. They are not a weapon for the uninitiated. Join a local gun club and pump off a few rounds every couple of weeks; practice is the key to success. Although you may not need to be able assemble an AK-47 while blindfolded, it would be prudent to be comfortable loading a pump-action shotgun, finding the safety lock on a Smith & Wesson 9mm handgun, and adjusting the sights on a Remington bolt-action hunting rifle. You never know what firearms may be at hand when you encounter an alien landing craft.

Away from the protection of their spaceship, aliens are sitting ducks. If you have no trouble sinking a few rounds into a watermelon or pumpkin at 50 yards, then you won't have any problem dropping an alien or two. Their heads stand out like neon beacons on a moonless night and are the most obvious targets. Don't bother aiming for their spindly limbs or torso. Not only are these body parts difficult targets due to their size, but gunshot wounds may not result in an instant kill. A clean headshot is usually enough to drop an alien on the spot.