The Agreement (35 page)

I will approach you like a wild animal in need
of being tamed to hand. I will tame you. You feel out of control now, but one
day, I will come to you as you wait for me in position, your blindfold on. I
will whisper your name, my mouth next to your ear, my breath warm on your naked
skin, my hands caressing you. When I bind your hands with my soft leather
restraints, when I tie your feet to the bedposts, you'll be completely
controlled and all your anxiety will be gone. You don't have to make any
decision from now on when you're with me. I will make them all. Every decision
will be about your pleasure for that is my pleasure.

One day, you will purr like a contented kitten
as I stroke you, running my fingers over your naked skin, exploring every inch
of you with my eyes, my fingers, my tongue, my cock. For the first time, you'll
be free of all your fears, all your insecurities and doubts. You know how much
I desire you by how hard I am when I'm with you, how much I enjoy every inch of
your body, your scent, your touch, your every response, your every gasp, your
every moan of pleasure.

Once we cross the threshold into our special
world where just we two exist, you can leave all your fears behind. You turn
over your will to me, and when you do, you will feel as much desire as you are
able, as much lust as you can possibly feel. I want it all.

I can handle you.

Why did that affect me so deeply? Drake had that
effect on me. I felt as if he knew what was going on in my mind, what I needed,
how to touch me, what to say. He felt so certain and confident, his body warm
and firm. Strong.

But he accepted what I said. He believed me. He
let me go. Did he really think I was bored? Did he really think I was
interested in meeting someone else?

If he did, then he didn't really know me as well
as I thought because inside I was dying.

I barely ate anything, my stomach sick, my head
aching. By Sunday night, I felt entirely hopeless. Drake didn't even
fight
for me. He just let me go.

I must not have meant much to him after all.

I realized that despite his so attentive
treatment of me when we had been together, he really
did
see me as a
project to study and plan and carry out, nothing more. If he had felt anything
for me beyond just a new project, he wouldn't have let me leave.

As each hour passed without him even sending me
an email or text, a phone call, agonizingly slowly, that sunk in even more
deeply. I had been so delusional to think he was more than just a Dom to me.
That I was more than just a new sub to train.

I hadn't taken a shower or brushed my teeth for
two days. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed Sunday night before the sun
even set.

On Monday I couldn't face work. I couldn't face
getting up and having a shower. I just dragged myself out of bed and sent my
boss an email saying I was sick and needed a day off. That I'd be in on Tuesday.
But in truth, I felt like Tuesday would feel just the same as Monday.

On Monday afternoon, my father called. I woke up
and checked my caller ID. I had to answer. I didn't want him worried.

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you? We expected
to hear from you."

I swallowed, licking my dry lips. "I must
have caught something. I'm home sick. Been sick all weekend."

"What's the matter? A cold? Is there a flu
going around?"

"Must be. I stayed home today, but I'll see
how I am tomorrow and go to work if I feel better."

"Are you sure everything's all right? Do
you need me to get anything for you?"

"No, really. I'm fine. Thanks, Daddy."

"Take care, doll."

I hung up, and just lay back in bed, covering my
face from the light.

The next morning I called in sick again and
slept in. Around eleven, the phone rang again. I checked the caller ID and it
was Lara.

"Kate," she said, her voice sounding
concerned. "I had to fess up to Drake that I talked to you about all this.
He's coming over to speak to you as soon as he's done with surgery this
morning. Please, keep in mind what I said and don't listen to him. He's being
irrational. Just get out of your apartment, don't be there. If you do run into
him, be hard and say you've come to your senses. I know you're upset about
this. Drake told me he talked to your father about you, and your dad said you
were sick and that he thought you were upset that things didn't work out. I
couldn't lie to him. Please, do the right thing."

"Lara…" I said, shaking my head.
"I miss him so much."

She exhaled loudly. "You are both
crazy
.
Don't say I didn't warn you but seriously Kate, if you care about Drake you
won't encourage him. Do you understand?"

"I know you're right," I said,
exhaling in exasperation. "I'll make sure I'm out of the apartment when he
comes by."

"Thank you. His reputation is worth more
than one sub. Kate, I've seen too many powerful men fall over a simple affair.
It's not
worth
it. Think of the guilt you'll feel if anything happens to
him because you encouraged him."

"I won't be here when he comes by, Lara.
Don't worry."

I hung up and went to the shower. If I had to go
out, I had to at least clean myself up enough that I didn't look like an
escaped mental patient. I quickly dressed and dried my hair and gathered up my
bag. It was 11:45 and I expected that Drake would be done his surgery soon. I
had to leave.

I went across the street once more to the deli
and took my place in the window seat, ordering a cup of tea and toast with jam,
the first thing I'd eaten beyond Cheerios and milk for three days.

At about 12:20, he drove up and once more
double-parked. He went to the door, and just then, a resident exited the
building and Drake took the handle and went inside.

Damn
… They shouldn't have let him in, but I
suspected when they saw his scrubs and lab coat, they let him in, instinctively
trusting a physician. After a few moments, he came back out and pulled out his
phone and entered something. In a moment, my phone buzzed and I took it out.

Drake Morgan, MD.

I ignored the call. He called back. He sat on
the steps and called, over and over. Then he texted me.

Kate, I know everything. I talked to Lara and
she
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confessed that she
guilted you into saying goodbye to me. I was confused the other day when you
claimed not to feel anything for me. I tried not to respond – to respect
your wishes. In truth, I was hurt.

Talk to me. Please. I'm not letting you run away
just to protect me from something that might never happen. It's up to me what
risks I take in my life, not you.

Your father is worried about you. He says you've
been sick all weekend. You know what I think? I think you're upset about this.
Maybe as upset as I am.

Kate, please… Don't give up on this – on
us – without a fight.

I felt incredibly sad to see him sitting on my
steps, texting me when I was sitting across the street, watching him. I thought
about what Lara said – that it would be on my conscience if I encouraged
him. That I would regret my decision to be with him if anything happened to
hurt his reputation but his words made my eyes tear up, my throat constrict.

He was upset. I hurt him by what I said.

I scanned the street, checking to see if Dawn
was hanging around, but they were pretty empty.

I'm in the deli across the street from you.

He glanced up and my heart did a flip when I
felt his gaze come to rest on me, sitting there in the bay window at a tiny
table for two. He stood up and made a beeline for me, his expression so
intense, his face so dark, it almost scared me.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Drake entered the deli and came right over to my
table, pulling up the rickety chair beside me. He sat next to me, his knee
wedged in between mine as if he was trying to block my escape, prevent me from
leaving. He leaned close to me, taking my hand in his. He kissed my knuckles.
His face was pale, his brow furrowed.

"Drake, you can't
do
this," I
said, almost whispering, trying to pull my hand away from him, wiping my eyes.
"We have to just end this. Better to do it now before any damage is
done."

"It's already been done. I
want
you.
Don't you want me?"

I said nothing, sighing, emotions building in
me. Of course I did. "It doesn't matter what we want."

"
Tell
me that you don't want
me."

I exhaled and tried to avoid his eyes.

"
Tell
me, Kate. If you don't want
me, I'll leave right now."

"It's not that I don't want you," I
said, staring at the leather strap on his wrist, the story he told me about it
making my heart break for him. "I
do
want you but we can't be
together. It's for your own good."

"If you still want me, we'll find a way to
work around this, whatever it is. Tell me who knows? What did they say?"

"I can't
tell
you," I said, leaning
back a bit from him, his gaze so intense. I couldn't extract my hand from his.
"Look, barely anything has happened between us. We had sex a couple of
times. We should just let this drop. I'm sure there are other subs with far
fewer … impediments than I have."

"
Impediments
…" he said, smiling
just a bit. "Something happened between us, Kate. I know it's only been a
short time, but I don’t want this to end, especially not in this way because of
someone else forcing us. If we stop seeing each other, it should be because of
how
we
feel, not someone else's judgment."

I just stared at him. He was so sure of himself.

"This person told me there was a
restraining order against you. Your ex-wife…"

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, his hands
still grasping mine. Then he glanced back up at me, his blue eyes pained.

"That was a long time ago in a different
life."

"You can understand why they, and why I,
might be concerned… You
are
into BDSM."

"Not the SM part. Kate, I didn't injure
her. I tried to prevent her from leaving our home. That's all. I prevented her
from leaving for a while. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to try to work
things out. She wasn't listening."

"Why? What happened between you? Why did
your marriage fail?"

He sighed and just stared at me as if deciding
if it was worth it to tell me.

"Why does any marriage fail?" He shook
his head. "Because the couple are no longer in sync.
We
were no
longer in sync. I wanted more control. She didn't want me to have it. I was so
ambitious about my career, traveling around the country doing conferences,
presenting papers. We grew apart, and when I did finally try to assert more
control, she was already gone emotionally."

"You were just starting to recognize your
Dom tendencies?"

"Yes, but not very clearly. Look, I may
have been a self-centered asshole, but I never hurt her.
Never
."

"Why were you a self-centered
asshole?"

"I spent too much time away. You
know…"

"No I don't."

"I was like my father, Kate. I was too busy
and neglected her."

I just stared at him.

"Why? Didn't you love her?"

He shrugged, exhaling as if exasperated. "I
don't know. Part of me thinks I did still love her. Part of me thinks I had no
idea what love was." He looked away as if he did know but didn't want to
admit it. Finally, as if drawing on some deep reserve, he looked back up at me.
"I neglected her and she fell out of love with me. She said I was a
self-centered prick who cared only about myself."

 "Do you agree?"

He nodded but didn't say anything for a moment.
"I didn't know what it took to make a relationship work. I'd never seen a
marriage. Never knew what a woman wanted, what she expected. I can do sex,
Kate. I do it really well. Everything else in a relationship? Not so
much."