THE AFFAIR (21 page)

Larry was silent and so was I. What could we say? I felt the car being smoothly maneuvered to the shoulder. I looked at Larry, wondering what it was he wanted from me now.

He turned to me, his eyes filled with grief and tears and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you often enough how important you are to my life, not as the mother of my children but as just you. I love you, Mick.”

I watched the tears rolling down the face of my strong husband, the man who was always filled to overflowing with joy, and I winced at the pain my acts had wrought. I had to ask him.

“Were you never unhappy, not even for a day of our marriage?”

“Not even for a moment,” he answered, his eyes brimming with honesty. “From the moment you first spoke to me I became whole. I fell in love with you immediately. I’ve been happy since that moment.”

“How could you have been happy all the time? What about the times we struggled, or when the kids were all sick at once?”

“I had more than I had ever dreamed of. I had you and the kids. I had a family. I was happy. The problems for me were just minor inconveniences. They never interfered with my happiness.

I was feeling about as big as a microscopic bug. “It bothered me.” I corrected myself. “No, it made me angry that you were always so happy. Then I would become consumed with guilt for resenting your happiness and resenting the children. I held it in. I didn’t want you to hate me for not enjoying your dream as much as you seemed to be. There was no good reason for me not to. I knew that. I was angry at myself a lot for feeling that way.”

“Is that why you had the affair?”

“I don’t think so.”

I looked in his eyes. For the first time we were talking, really talking. I wanted to tell him as much as I could without hurting him further.

“The day I met Chance, I wanted to die. He made me want to live again.”

“Did I do that to you? Did being married to me make you want to die?”

“No. It wasn’t you. I felt I’d lost control of my life. I didn’t know who I was any longer. I may have resented you for what I thought was your fault but it wasn’t.

“You took care of me because it made you happy. You thought that was what I wanted. I know that now. But that day I didn’t. I was thinking about Viola, and I kept having these dreams.”

Remembrance flashed across Larry’s face. “You’re talking about the nightmares, aren’t you? The ones that had you waking up in tears.”

Larry looked away from me for a split second before his hand wiped at the moisture gathered in the corners of his eyes. He looked back and I saw the return of the pain in his eyes. I knew the question before he asked.

He stared at me, not understanding that what I’d done had nothing to do with my feelings for him. It would do no good at this point to tell him yet again my feelings of connection with Chance, to talk about another life I’d led in the past. My husband had gone as far as he could go and much farther than I had imagined he would.

“Tell me what he did to make you happy?” I saw embarrassment coloring my husband’s face despite his earnest efforts to find a way once again to solve my problems.

“Like I just said, he listened to me. He made me feel the way you did before the kids came along. I had an opinion. That was important to him. That’s what he gave me. As for the rest, sex is just sex. And for the record I do enjoy our lovemaking.”

“I know you enjoy it…but… I’ve always wanted to make you scream out in pleasure. You really rock my world, Mick. And I’ve always wanted to rock yours. I can’t help it, I don’t want to think about it, but the thoughts won’t go away. I want to know if he rocked your world. Did he make you scream out with pleasure? Did you scream out his name?”

“Please, don’t go there, Larry. I’m not with him. I’m with you. I love you.”

“Are you over him?”

God, how I wanted to end this conversation. How was I supposed to keep answering my husband’s questions? I’d done my best to reassure him, to downplay the magnitude of what I’d felt in Chance’s arms. I didn’t want to keep lying to him yet I wanted an end to the pain.

So I said, “I can never forget him or what he gave me. He reminded me of who I am. I’m grateful. If it weren’t for him, we would not be having this conversation. Neither of us would be really listening to the other.”

“Do you think there’s a chance we can repair the damage? Do you even want to?”

“Yes,” I answered him, not stopping the tears that were falling. “How about you. Do you want to try again?”

“I love you, Mick. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you in it.” He paused. “I’m tired of the silence and the wall between us. I’m ready to tear it down.”

Oh, Larry,” I managed to sob before my husband crushed me in his arms, his lips on mine. This time when he slid his tongue between my lips, I opened wider to give him entry.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” His eyes were pleading.

It had been long enough. If we could continue talking we could make it work. I would forget the man in my dreams. I would forget Chance Morgan.

“I’ll stay with you.”

Chapter Ten

The remainder of the ride was peaceful. I laid my head on my husband’s shoulder and whispered a silent prayer. “Lord, please help us to find our way back. When we’re home let us continue talking.”

Every few seconds Larry would kiss me on the forehead. We didn’t talk. I knew both of our hearts were peaceful. We’d said enough for now.

“She’s our daughter, Larry. She’s not a marriage counselor. I don’t want her advice. Besides,” I looked at my husband’s face, “we’re going to work things out.”

We sat for a couple of minutes in the car not wanting to go inside.
So okay
, I thought,
you said you were going to give this marriage another chance. Now’s the time
.

“Turn the car around. Let’s go get a hotel room for the night and make love. We’ll come back in the morning.” I smiled at Larry thinking he would agree.

“That would be wrong, Mick. She’ll probably be worrying about us, wondering where we are.”

I could feel the stiffening of my spine. “It’s your call, but I think we need to do this for us. I think for once we need to come first. What do you think?”

“I think as much as I want to make love to you right this moment, I won’t be able to, for worrying that our daughter is awake all night worrying about us.”

I looked at him. “You need to work with me, Larry.”

“We have a perfectly good bed waiting for us in our home.” He smiled then. “We don’t have to do anything but go in the house, talk to Erica for a few minutes and go to bed.”

I leaned away from him and looked at my home. I felt a tremendous impulse to flee once again, but then I’d decided to give up running.

“Why don’t we go in, talk to Erica for a few minutes, tell her we’re going to spend the night in a hotel. Would that be all right?” I asked. “She won’t worry then.”

He kissed me quickly on the lips. “Sure, honey. We’ll do that.”

He bounded up the stairs not bothering to wait for me.
Don’t think about it
, I told myself as I followed him. I prayed again, that this time she was alone, that she had found someone to keep the kids or had left them with Roy.

The moment Larry turned the handle on the door I knew that was one wish that wasn’t coming true. The screams of my grandchildren vibrated throughout the house. I glanced at my watch. It was one A.M. They should be in bed.

We stepped into the living room to utter chaos. The sofa pillows lay on the floor and drawing paper littered the room. I took another step and felt a crunch under my shoes. I looked down. Cereal. That surprised me. We didn’t have any in the house, or we hadn’t when we left.

Erica spotted us the same moment as the kids. The kids ran for us screaming, “Grandpa, Grandpa.” Erica’s lips were thinned in disapproval as she eyed me.

“Hello, Mother,” she said to me as if I were no more than the crushed cereal under my feet. “Dad, are you all right?” She went to Larry and kissed his cheeks.

Larry’s face was alight with joy. He held one of the kids in each arm, looking down at them with total adoration, oblivious to the mess they’d made of our home in our absence.

He glanced at Erica. “Hi, honey, nice to see you.”

I interrupted their little reunion. “Why is there cereal in the entryway?”

“You had no food they wanted. I had to go to the store and buy it,” Erica said in an accusing tone, as though the mess wouldn’t be on my floor if I had not been so thoughtless as to not have it in the cupboards.

I sighed loudly, looking over at Larry. “Erica, your father and I are staying the night in a hotel. We’ll come back in the morning. I would appreciate it if by then our home is in the same condition that you found it.”

She ignored me and turned instead to her father. “Dad, I just flew 1500 miles with two grumpy kids, find you gone, no food and you’re going to leave?” I watched as she turned away. “I came here for you, to support you. If you didn’t want me to come you should have told me.”

I smiled inwardly at my daughter’s maneuvering of her father. Surely he wouldn’t fall for such an obvious ploy. I reached for his hand to hold it, stroke it, my insurance that he wouldn’t, that he would remember what we’d planned

Mindy, our granddaughter, wrapped her arms even tighter around Larry’s neck. “Grandpa, don’t leave, please…,” she wailed. Her big brown eyes filled with tears and I marveled. She was even better at this than her mother.

Larry turned to me. “Mick, it’s up to you.” I watched as three pairs of eyes turned to glare at me.

Okay, so I would be the bad guy once again. “I think we should stick to our plans.” I ignored the pleading look my husband was attempting to give me. I knew without a doubt we needed to be alone, now more than ever.

The words were barely out of my mouth when little Larry, named after his grandfather, knocked a vase of flowers to the floor. My husband released my hand as I stood there watching the water spill on my new carpet.

“Mick, we can’t go now. Why don’t you get ready for bed? I’ll join you in a little while.”

He walked away to clean up the mess. Erica never made a move toward the kitchen for a mop or towel. She ignored it and gave me a smirk.

“I put your things back in your room. I’m sleeping in my bedroom.”

“So you’re flying home tonight?” I answered and walked past her to my newly claimed room.

I calmly took her things and put them outside the door. She was staring at me as if I’d lost my mind. What difference did it make now? I knew that’s why she was here anyway. She thought her mother had finally lost her marbles.

Larry came from cleaning up the mess just as I was tossing the last of Erica’s belongings on the pile. He looked from the pile to me, then toward the stairs leading to our bedroom door.

“I’ll be in as soon as I read the kids a story and put them to bed.”

He smiled at me, not doubting that I would be waiting. I went into the room, locked the door, fell into bed and instantly fell into a dreamless sleep.

I was awakened by a tapping on the door and Larry calling my name. I looked at the clock. Four
A.M.
I turned over and blocked the knocking out of my mind.