The Adventure of the Plated Spoon and Other Tales of Sherlock Holmes (2 page)

The Adventure of the Deadly Interlude

LARRY D. SWEAZY

The Adventure of the Rounded Ocelot

LOREN D. ESTLEMAN

The Adventure of the Plated Spoon

S
ir Arthur Conan Doyle's opinion of the rash of Holmes pastiches that appeared in his lifetime is largely unknown, but he singled out his friend J.M. Barrie's “The Adventure of the Two Collaborators” as “the best of all the numerous parodies.” Barrie, of course, was the author of
Peter Pan,
a play whose hero is every bit as durable and iconic as Holmes himself, thanks to generations of children (and their parents). Considering the common practise of casting women as Pan onstage, Irene Adler's talent for cross-dressing seems to have fascinated both authors.

In bringing to a close the adventures of my friend Sherlock Holmes I am perforce reminded that he never, save on the occasion which, as you will now hear, brought his singular career to an end, consented to act in any mystery which was concerned with persons who made a livelihood by their pen.

“I am not particular about the people I mix among for business purposes,” he would say, “but at literary characters I draw the line.”

We were in our rooms in Baker Street one evening. I was (I remember) by the centre table writing out “The Adventure of the Man Without a Cork Leg” (which had so puzzled the Royal Society and all the other scientific bodies of Europe), and Holmes was amusing himself with a little revolver practise. It was his custom of a summer evening to fire round my head, just shaving my face, until he had made a photograph of me on the opposite wall, and it is a slight proof of his skill that many of these portraits in pistol shots are considered admirable likenesses.

I happened to look out of the window, and, perceiving two gentlemen advancing rapidly along Baker Street, asked him who they were. He immediately lit his pipe, and, twisting himself on a chair into the figure 8, replied:

“They are two collaborators in comic opera, and their play has not been a triumph.”

I sprang from my chair to the ceiling in amazement, and he then explained:

“My dear Watson, they are obviously men who follow some low calling. That much even you should be able to read in their faces. Those little pieces of blue paper which they fling angrily from them are Durrant's Press Notices. Of these they have obviously hundreds about their person (see how their pockets bulge). They would not dance on them if they were pleasant reading.”

I again sprang to the ceiling (which is much dented), and shouted: “Amazing! but they may be mere authors.”

“No,” said Holmes, “for mere authors only get one press notice a week. Only criminals, dramatists, and actors get them by the hundred.”

“Then they may be actors.”

“No, actors would come in a carriage.”

“Can you tell me anything else about them?”

“A great deal. From the mud on the boots of the tall one I perceive that he comes from South Norwood. The other is as obviously a Scotch author.”

“How can you tell that?”

“He is carrying in his pocket a book called (I clearly see)
Auld Licht Something
. Would anyone but the author be likely to carry about a book with such a title?”

I had to confess that this was improbable.

It was now evident that the two men (if such they can be called) were seeking our lodgings. I have said (often) that my friend Holmes seldom gave way to emotion of any kind, but he now turned livid with passion. Presently this gave place to a strange look of triumph.

“Watson,” he said, “that big fellow has for years taken the credit for my most remarkable doings, but at last I have him—at last!”

Up I went to the ceiling, and when I returned the strangers were in the room.

“I perceive, gentlemen,” said Mr. Sherlock Holmes, “that you are at present afflicted by an extraordinary novelty.”

The handsomer of our visitors asked in amazement how he knew this, but the big one only scowled.

“You forget that you wear a ring on your fourth finger,” replied Mr. Holmes calmly.

I was about to jump to the ceiling when the big brute interposed.

“That tommy-rot is all very well for the public, Holmes,” said he, “but you can drop it before me. And, Watson, if you go up to the ceiling again I shall make you stay there.”

Here I observed a curious phenomenon. My friend Sherlock Holmes
shrank
. He became small before my eyes. I looked longingly at the ceiling, but dared not.

“Let us cut the first four pages,” said the big man, “and proceed to business. I want to know why—”

“Allow me,” said Mr. Holmes, with some of his old courage. “You want to know why the public does not go to your opera.”

“Exactly,” said the other ironically, “as you perceive by my shirt stud.” He added more gravely, “And as you can only find out in one way I must insist on your witnessing an entire performance of the piece.”

It was an anxious moment for me. I shuddered, for I knew that if Holmes went I should have to go with him. But my friend had a heart of gold.

“Never,” he cried fiercely, “I will do anything for you save that.”

“Your continued existence depends on it,” said the big man menacingly.

“I would rather melt into air,” replied Holmes, proudly taking another chair. “But I can tell you why the public don't go to your piece without sitting the thing out myself.”

“Why?”

“Because,” replied Holmes calmly, “they prefer to stay away.”

A dead silence followed that extraordinary remark. For a moment the two intruders gazed with awe upon the man who had unraveled their mystery so wonderfully. Then drawing their knives—

Holmes grew less and less, until nothing was left save a ring of smoke, which slowly circled to the ceiling.

The last words of great men are often noteworthy. These were the last words of Sherlock Holmes: “Fool, fool! I have kept you in luxury for years. By my help you have ridden extensively in cabs, where no author was ever seen before.
Henceforth you will ride in buses!
”

The brute sunk into a chair aghast.

The other author did not turn a hair.

To A. Conan Doyle, from his friend

—J.M. B
ARRIE

T
he name Ellery Queen is nearly as well known—and fully synonymous with detective fiction—as is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. “The Surgeon's Kit,” excerpted from
A Study in Terror,
pays fitting tribute to the deductive acrobatics and clever Holmes-Watson banter of the originals. The novel was adapted from the 1965 film of the same title, but for those familiar only with the movie, Queen provides a surprise: an alternative solution, uncovered by detective Ellery himself.

“You are quite right, Watson. The Ripper may well be a woman.” It was a crisp morning in the fall of the year 1888. I was no longer residing permanently at No. 221B Baker Street. Having married, and thus become weighted with the responsibility of providing for a wife—a most delightful responsibility—I had gone into practice. Thus, the intimate relationship with my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes had dwindled to occasional encounters.

On Holmes's side, these consisted of what he mistakenly termed “impositions upon your hospitality” when he required my services as an assistant or a confidant. “You have such a patient ear, my dear fellow,” he would say, a preamble that always brought me pleasure, because it meant that I might again be privileged to share in the danger and excitement of another chase. Thus, the thread of my friendship with the great detective remained intact.

My wife, the most understanding of women, accepted this situation like Griselda. Those who have been so constant to my inadequate accounts of Mr. Sherlock Holmes's cases of detection will remember her as Mary Morstan, whom I providentially met while I was involved, with Holmes, in the case I have entitled “The Sign of Four.” As devoted a wife as any man could boast, she had patiently left me to my own devices on too many long evenings whilst I perused my notes on Holmes's old cases.

One morning at breakfast, Mary said, “This letter is from Aunt Agatha.”

I laid down my newspaper. “From Cornwall?”

“Yes, the poor dear. Spinsterhood has made her life a lonely one. Now her doctor has ordered her to bed.”

“Nothing serious, I trust.”

“She gave no such indication. But she is in her late seventies, and one never knows.”

“Is she completely alone?”

“No. She has Beth, my old nanny, with her, and a man to tend the premises.”

“A visit from her favourite niece would certainly do her more good than all the medicine in the world.”

“The letter does include an invitation—a plea, really—but I hesitated . . . .”

“I think you should go, Mary. A fortnight in Cornwall would benefit you also. You have been a little pale lately.” This statement of mine was entirely sincere; but another thought, a far darker one, coloured it. I venture to say that, upon that morning in 1888, every responsible man in London would have sent his wife or sister or sweetheart away, had the opportunity presented itself. This, for a single, all-encompassing reason. Jack the Ripper prowled the night-streets and dark alleys of the city.

Although our quiet home in Paddington was distant in many ways from the Whitechapel haunts of the maniac, who could be certain? Logic went by the boards where the dreadful monster was concerned.

Mary was thoughtfully folding the envelope. “I don't like to leave you here alone, John.”

“I assure you I'll be quite all right.”

“But a change would do you good, too, and there seems to be a lull in your practise.”

“Are you suggesting that I accompany you?”

Mary laughed. “Good heavens, no! Cornwall would bore you to tears. Rather that you pack a bag and visit your friend Sherlock Holmes. You have a standing invitation at Baker Street, as well I know.” I am afraid my objections were feeble. Her suggestion was a most alluring one. So, with Mary off to Cornwall and arrangements relative to my practise quickly made, the transition was achieved; to Holmes's satisfaction, I flatter myself in saying, as well as to my own.