The Academy (29 page)

“That would be perfect,” I said. Gone was my guilt over sleeping in such an intimate position with a man I wasn’t even engaged to. Gone was my fear that someone from Victoria would find out about my indiscretions. All that was left was my pleasure in North’s touch, the feel of his body pressed against mine and the knowledge that he wanted me to stay with him, to touch him all night. “Perfect,” I repeated softly.

“I think so too.” North sounded as though he might be smiling. Then he yawned. “Let’s get some sleep.”

“All right.” Closing my eyes, I let myself relax. I could hear the angry howl of the storm outside but the deep, quiet drumming of North’s heartbeat drowned it out. Savoring the beautifully illicit feeling of being held in his arms, I at last drifted off to sleep.

The rest of my stay seemed magical to me. North really seemed to enjoy showing me his home planet and I was happy just being in his company. Now that we were sworn brothers the invisible barrier that seemed to exist between us—between any two males, I supposed—was shattered. North held my hand often, though never in front of his parents, and I slept in his arms every night. There were no more storms but we no longer needed excuses. When we both slid beneath the covers, he reached for me and I nestled my head on his chest, perfectly content to be as close to him as I could without giving away my secret.

In the mornings we greeted each other with increasingly lingering kisses. I was still only brave enough to kiss North on the cheek but once he turned his head too quickly and I found my lips pressed briefly to his. I drew away at once, blushing, but North didn’t seem to mind. He just smiled and kissed me back—a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth that sent my heart racing. We went for long walks on the silvery sands and often when we were tired, we would sit and North would pillow his head on my lap.

The first time he did this, I wasn’t sure what to do. But his golden blond hair looked so soft and inviting, I couldn’t help carding my fingers through it. North seemed to enjoy my touch as much I liked touching him and soon it became a regular habit with us.

North had said nothing else about his cryptic words the night of the storm and I didn’t press him about it though my curiosity still bothered me like an unscratched itch. It wasn’t until the last full day of Winter Break that he revisited our earlier conversation.

We were sitting on the highest part of the beach watching the big swells come in and North had his head in my lap, as usual. Also, as usual, I was playing with his hair, combing my fingers through the thick, golden strands and enjoying the soft, deep sounds of pleasure he made when I touched him. It made me feel both powerful and beautiful to have the godlike North so willingly vulnerable in my hands.

North shifted his head on my lap and smiled up at me as I stroked his hair. “Mmm…feels good.”

“Does it?” Emboldened, I repeated the caress. I loved touching him and now that he was actively inviting me to do so, I couldn’t resist.

“Mmm.” He sighed contentedly, his eyes closed as he basked in the sunlight. “I never thought I could feel this happy again, you know?”

“You mean…after your brother…?” I let the sentence trail off. Though North mentioned Jamie often, he had yet to reveal the details of his death.

“Yeah, after that.” North opened his eyes for a moment to look up at me. “Can I tell you something, Kris? Something I’ve never told anyone before?”

My heart started pounding. “Yes. Yes, of course,” I somehow managed to say.

“It’s about Jamie,” he said.

My pulse slowed considerably but curiosity tingled through my veins. I was as happy as I had ever been in my life and yet, sometimes I felt as though the specter of North’s little brother was haunting us, hanging around like a shade that couldn’t or wouldn’t dissipate.

“Yes?” I said carefully.

“It…might change your mind about me. About…how you feel about me.” He sat up abruptly and looked down at his hands, not meeting my eyes.

“North,” I said softly. “Nothing could change my mind. Nothing could make me stop feeling…the way I feel for you.”

He looked up at me swiftly, a flash of hope in his eyes. “Really?”

“
Really
.” I took his hand as he so often took mine now, entwining our fingers in the sweet way that was becoming dangerously familiar. “You can tell me anything. Anything at all.” I only wished I could do the same for him. Daily, my own secret became harder to bear, but I still didn’t feel ready to reveal it.

North dug his bare feet into the sand and hunched his shoulders. “Jamie committed suicide,” he said in a low voice.

“Oh my!” I put my free hand to my mouth. “Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure.” North squinted up at the sun for a moment and then looked back at me. “I’m sure because I helped him,” he said quietly.

For a long moment there was nothing but silence between us. The heat of Prometheus beat down on my shoulders, the bright sunlight making the sand even more silver and North’s hair more golden. A million questions rose to my lips. How? Why? Where? But somehow when I opened my mouth, only two words came out. “Tell me.”

He sighed deeply. “Jamie had incurable cancer that affected his bones—especially his spine. The cancer twisted it. That’s why he doesn’t look quite right in those pictures I have of him.”

I remembered the pictures of North’s younger brother, his body deformed in ways it was hard to understand, and nodded. “Go on.”

“The cancer was eating him up inside—he was in constant pain.” North pulled his hand from mine and ran his fingers through his hair. “Near the end it got worse—unbearable. He tried to keep up a strong front around our parents but at night I could hear him through the wall…crying.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, as though trying to drive back a headache. “That was why he blasted his music. So he could finally give in to the pain without anyone knowing. But
I
knew.”

“Did he know?” I asked quietly. “That you knew he was hurting?”

North nodded. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he did. That’s why he asked me…asked me to help.” He stopped talking and was silent for a long time.

“Do you want to tell me how you helped?” I asked at last.

“No, I don’t,” North said in a low voice. “But…I
need
to.” He looked at me briefly. “Does that make any sense?”

“It doesn’t have to make sense,” I said softly. “Just tell me, North. Tell me anything you want to. Anything you
need
to.”

“All right.” He looked down at his hands, his fingers twisting together restlessly. “It was late one night when Mom and Dad had gone to bed. Jamie was blasting his music as usual but then he suddenly cut it off and I heard…” He cleared his throat. “Heard him calling my name. I went to him of course. And I could tell as soon as I got in the door of his room that he was bad—really bad. Worse than I’d ever seen him.”

North closed his eyes, his strong features contorted by the painful memory. “He wasn’t crying but the agony in his eyes…” He shook his head. “The suffering…Well, it was a million times worse than the caning the headmaster gave me. I can tell you that. And then he said…he said, ‘Danny…help me.’”

“What did you do?” I asked quietly when he paused again.

“I went to his bed and asked what he needed help with.” North swallowed hard. “He held out his hand and I saw that he had a whole handful of the little white pain pills his doctor had been prescribing. He was only supposed to have three a day—one in the morning and two at bedtime.

“‘I’ve been saving them up,’ he said. ‘Only taking one at night for weeks.’

“‘Why?’ I asked him. And he said, ‘You know why. It hurts too much, Danny—I can’t stand it anymore.'"

North’s jaw clenched and it seemed he had to force himself to keep talking. “I tried to tell him it was going to get better, that he should just hang on but he just shook his head and said, ‘Danny, I’m dying. I know it and you know it—that’s why you took this year off school. To be with me before the end.’”

“Is that true?” I asked softly.

North nodded. “Yeah. It was true and I had to admit it. Then I asked him what he wanted from me. He said, ‘Just for you to be with me. To help me in case…’”

“In case what?” I prompted softly.

“He said in case…” North shook his head. “In case the pills weren’t enough.”

I felt my gut twist into a knot—this wasn’t what I had expected. Still, I was committed to hearing the story through. “And were they?” I asked, trying to brace myself for the worst. “Were they enough?”

North shook his head. “Not quite.” His deep voice sounded strangled. “Jamie got…really tired but we could both tell he’d be able to sleep it off. He’d built up a tolerance to them, you see—to the pain meds. From taking them for so long. And that was when he asked me…” He looked down at his hands for a long moment. “God, this is hard to say.”

“Just say it,” I urged, though my stomach felt like I had swallowed a fist-sized lump of ice.

North looked up at me, his piercing blue eyes completely dry but filled with terrible pain just the same. “He asked me to help him finish it.”

“And did you?” I whispered, taking his hand.

“Yes.” He squeezed my fingers so tightly it hurt but I made no move to get away. “I used the pillow,” he whispered hoarsely. “I put it over his face and held it there until…until he stopped moving.” North looked at me and the despair in his eyes was terrible to see. “He smiled at me…right before I did it. And he said…he said, ‘Thank you, Danny. I love you.’ And that was it. I…I held his hand for hours afterward. And then I went back to bed and just laid there, knowing my mom would find him in the morning.”

“Oh, North,” I whispered, unable to say anything else. He shook his head and buried his face in his hands. I had never seen him cry before but the tears came now, deep, hoarse sobs that tore at my heart. I rubbed his shaking shoulders helplessly, wishing there was some way I could comfort him.

“I hate myself for it,” he said at last, his voice choked. “
Hate
myself, Kris. But I don’t…don’t know what else I could have done. He was in so much
pain.”

“You did the right thing,” I told him. “You helped your brother when no one else would. You helped him the only way you could.”

“But my parents…” North shook his head. “It nearly killed them, especially my mom. I mean, Jamie had been dying for ages but it was so slow, I think…I think she thought it would never end. That he would always be there when she got up to check him in the morning.” He swiped at his eyes angrily. “And
I’m
the reason he’s not.”

“You’re the reason he’s finally at peace,” I said fiercely. “Don’t hate yourself for that, North. I don’t believe your parents would, if they knew, and
I
don’t either.”

“You don’t?” He looked at me uncertainly.

“No.” I shook my head decisively. “I don’t. I think you had a hard choice to make and you made it. You did what your brother asked.”

He sighed deeply. “I try to tell myself that but sometimes…sometimes this secret eats me up inside—the same way the cancer was eating Jamie. I never thought I’d ever be able to tell anyone…until you.”

“I know about secrets,” I told him softly. “And about hard choices. I’m glad…glad you could trust me.”

“I am too.” He took my hand in his and brought it to his face. Pressing a kiss to my palm, he whispered, “Thank you, Kris. Thank you for not hating me.”

“I could
never
hate you.” I murmured, my heart swelling at his tender gesture. “In fact, I…I have something to tell you, too.”

“Do you?” He looked up at me, his eyes bright. “A secret?”

“Yes, I…” I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him everything. After all he had revealed to me, after all he had trusted me with, I felt I
must
be able to trust him with my truth as well. My secret—my shameful lie and deception—trembled on my lips.

But it wasn’t my secret alone to share.

“Well?” North prompted eagerly.

“I…” I shook my head. “I can’t…”

“It’s okay.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it. Not now.”