That's a Promise (23 page)

Me: Blake, do you need me to get you?

Blake: noooo… she’s taking care of me

Me: Right… She’ll take care of you. You don’t need me to help. That’s fine, Blake. Have fun.

I slammed my phone on the bedside table, and could feel the pressure of anxiety building its way within me again. I wanted to be strong enough to turn off my phone and not care about what he did and who he was doing them with, but I wasn’t strong. I was scared shitless that I just lost him to another girl. I waited another hour, hoping to get a response that held an apology, but nothing came.

I should have bought some vodka before I came back,
I thought to myself before settling for a Xanax that the doctor had prescribed me to help control the nightmares of my attacker. 

The weekend went by, and I read five books. I was glad I had bought a bundle of books while I was back home, because those four days before school started would have been even more awful if I hadn’t. Brooke came back to the room on Sunday, and that was when I found out that Blake was back and didn’t think it was important for me to know. She was hanging out with Brandon at their house, and Blake had come in with a black eye, and swollen lip. The worst part was that he returned two days ago.

“Want to know a secret?” she said to me while we were lying in bed that night. I turned so I could face her and nodded.

“Yeah. Duh,” I said, smiling.

“I was with Brandon most of spring break,” she said to me with a huge smile. She was excited and giddy as she told me. “He left his mom’s house so he could spend the week with me.”

“Why didn’t you stay with your parents?” I asked. I only met them once and though they seemed flighty and distant, I didn’t know them well enough to understand. She never really talked about them, and I let her keep her secrets, because I still had mine.

“Um… well they didn’t really want me there. They planned a cruise, and took the rest of the family. I didn’t want to sit in their house by myself,” she said timidly.

“What? Why? Why weren’t you invited?” I asked, shocked. She may have never really talked about her family, but I always assumed that they were still on good terms.

“Hmmm… that’s hard to explain. I guess I just don’t fit in with them. They are an extremely smart family. My dad’s a doctor. My mom’s a surgeon. My brother’s a scientist who is researching the cure for cancer. I’m just a dumb blonde who wants to be an elementary school teacher,” she shrugged as if it really wasn’t that big of a deal, but to me it was.

“You’re not dumb, Brooke. I’m going to be an elementary school teacher, too. I don’t think I’m dumb, and neither do my parents.”

“You’re parents are different, Jos. They love you completely. They wanted you. I was an accident,” she said sounding sad. I think that was the first time we were ever completely honest with each other. She knew about my family, and she knew that I had been raped, but she didn’t know anything more than that. I loved her as a person, but we never felt the need to divulge into any more secrets. I was finally rethinking that concept. I decided that I would actually let her be a friend, instead of keeping up the walls I built after a piece of my soul had died.

“Blake kicked me out of his mom’s house. Said I didn’t belong there, and I have only gotten one set of drunk texts from him since I’ve been back,” I admitted to her softly. She gasped when I told her, and I could see the shock in her eyes.

“Blake? The same Blake who treats you like a goddamn princess?” I smile a little at her description of Blake.

“Yeah, apparently his family has too many issues, and get this. He has this ex-girlfriend who is like model looking, and they’re friends, but I don’t think she wants to be his friend. He keeps telling me that she can help him get through his family issues, and not me. What the hell is up with that?”

“Is her name Alice?” she asked. It was my turn to be a little shocked.

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Brandon had mentioned her this past week. He was telling me about his family, and said that she was always over their house. That she and Blake used to date. He said she’s so annoying, but the family puts up with her because her dad owns some underground gym where they like to work out. I guess they practice fighting in there.”

That might explain the bruises, but I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me that he was just working out. I completely understood working out your aggression, anger, and depression. Seth and I still took self-defense classes, so I wouldn’t have to be a victim again. My personal favorite moves were the ones where we do damage to a man’s private parts. Seth always got nervous when we paired up to practice, because I loved that part a little too much.

We talked about her spring break for the rest of the night. She told me about how Brandon had attempted to make her dinner, but burnt the chicken. They had to order Chinese food, but they loved that just as much. I could tell the week spent with him had made her really happy, and I was glad one of us had a successful spring break.

We had started new classes for the new semester, and I didn’t know if I would have Seth or Blake in any of my classes. I found out Monday, that I didn’t. I kept an eye out while I walked around, in hopes that I would see him, but I never did. Seth called me later and told me he missed having a class with me, and would meet up with me the following day to hang out.

Tuesday morning came, the day Blake and I usually got coffee together, and knowing the chances of seeing Blake were slim, I dressed in sweat pants and a Twilight t-shirt. I wore my hair in a messy bun, had my reading glasses, and no make-up, as I looked over a Children’s Psychology assignment at the coffee shop. It was because of this focus on my assignment, that I didn’t notice the air around me thicken. I didn’t notice the broad shadow that was now surrounding me. I didn’t notice anything until I felt the jolt of sensation that I always felt when Blake touched me.

I looked up into the sexy beautiful brown eyes of the man I fell hopelessly in love with, and although I was happy to see him, I was also burdened with sadness. I swallowed back the pain that had been building in my throat, and raised an eyebrow at him snarkily.

“So, he decides to grace me with his presence today. Why, kind sir, what could I have done to deserve such an honor?”

“Well, milady,” he starts with a half-smile, and bows before taking the seat next to me, “I do believe you are the fairest maiden in this place. It’s only right that a brave knight like me, would request the presence of the most beautiful woman alive.” I rolled my eyes at him, and pretended to return to my homework. In reality, I was still savoring the feel of his strong hand on my shoulder when he had touched me.

A strand of hair escaped the messy mop on the top of my head, and I felt Blake take his hand and slide it behind my ear, painstakingly slowly. It was a sensual and honest gesture, and even though it might sound silly, it made me feel better. I closed my eyes as his masculine hand brushed my ear and as one of his long fingers traced my jaw.

“You really are the most beautiful woman in the world, Josie,” he said softly to me, his voice thick with emotion. I scoffed at him, because I knew I was a hot mess that day, but he looked at me like he really believed what he said. It made my insides warm with a mixture of happiness and love.

“I love it when you wear these,” he said, touching my reading glasses. His beautiful luscious lips curve slowly into a smile, captivating me. He had only seen me wear my reading glasses a couple of times, but it felt amazing to hear him say that he liked them on me.

“Blake,” I started, trying to pull myself away from the sweet seduction into which he was enticing me. “What’s happening? What are we doing? Do you feel differently about me now? Are you trying to get back together with Alice? Did your mom not like me? I don’t understand what’s happening.”

“You know, I love it when you’re confused or worried, because you always ask a ton of questions at once. It’s so cute,” he said to me. He paused for a moment before speaking again. “I love you more than I should, Jo. I’m not ready to talk about what’s happening with my family, and I really hope that you can respect that. I am in no way interested in Alice, and my Ma loved you... I just need some time,” he said trailing his hand down my arm.

“What about the drinking and the bruises?”

“Just stress, love. I need you to know I love you, and no matter what happens, I always will. I am going to be busy with finals, and starting the business, so these next few months are going to make me a little scattered. Just bear with me okay?”

I didn’t really feel relieved, and I could tell there was a lot more to the situation than stress. However, I did understand the need for some privacy. I just hoped that in the process of letting him keep his thoughts to himself that I didn’t lose him.

Chapter 20

I did lose him after that.

It was as if I was reaching for the warmth and love that he had teased me with, but I couldn’t get ahold of it. I kept snatching, but my hands always came back empty. Three months went by with me yearning for the relationship we had started over spring break, but it never happened. Even before we had told each other our feelings and had slept with each other, we were more affectionate than we were in those three months.

Blake was still a good boyfriend. He said all the right things to me: I was pretty, smart, beautiful, he loved me. Blah, Blah, Blah. It didn’t mean anything because I always knew he was distracted. He wasn’t lying when he said he needed time to focus on his finals and on starting his business, but I could tell he wasn’t being completely honest either. He seemed scared. It was as if leaving my parent’s house flipped a switch in him that left me undesirable to him.

He never went into much detail about the business. I knew some of the details… that he secured a building, hired workers, and campaigned for clients, but he didn’t go into much detail. It was another way for him to shut me out, and as the weeks went by, I could see he was shutting me out for a reason. He didn’t want to be with me anymore, but he was waiting until he graduated to break up with me. I would have ended it, but each week I hoped that maybe something would change.

We hadn’t had sex since spring break, and I was really running out of ways to seduce him. Every time that we would start to get heated, he would jump up and say he had a study group to get to or he needed to call some contractors. Blake would study with me and he would let me kiss him, but I could tell he was holding back. It wasn’t brazen passion anymore. He was cautious.

There were a couple of times that he would help me get off, but he never took it farther than that. I was always left wanting more, and never felt satiated. I had to rely on my vibrator more than ever, because small short kisses weren’t enough.

The weekends became increasingly lonely. Seth was busy booking photo shoots, Brooke was busy with Brandon, and I was alone because Blake always went back home on the weekends. He would come back looking tired and with new bruises painted against his perfect skin.

A couple weeks before Blake’s graduation, Blake got mad at me, making it the last time I talked to him before he graduated. Things were tenser between us, and it was clear where things were headed.

We were in his room, and I was sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed reading a book. He was at his desk going through some business contracts, and he was wearing a grey tank top. I could see the start of a bruise on his shoulder. I gasped when I saw it, and moved to get a closer look at it. I gently touched it, and I closed my eyes as sadness clouded over me. 

“Blake,” I whispered.

“It’s nothing, Jo. Get back to your book,” he said brusquely, and pulled away from my touch.

“It’s not nothing! Every goddamn week there is something new! What the hell are you doing when you go home? Why can’t you let me in just one tiny bit? You think I don’t understand what it feels like to need to escape? I can help!” I said raising my voice slightly in an effort to show my exasperation at his behavior. He whipped his head around and glared at me.

“You don’t know anything, Josie. You have no clue what I’m going through,” he said through clenched teeth. I didn’t really like this side of him, but I wasn’t going to stand there and let him continue being an asshole.

“I don’t have a clue because you won’t let me in! You keep pushing me away! If you don’t want to be with me, then tell me!” I yelled.

“It’s not about that, Josie,” he spat at me, and stood up so I could see the anger on his face. “It’s about the fact that you aren’t letting me have any space. I asked you two months ago to let it go, and respect the fact that I didn’t want to talk. But you haven’t done that!”

I narrowed my eyes at him, and walked up to him. I put maybe a centimeter between us, and I looked up at him. He may have been over a foot taller than me, but I gathered all the strength I had to prove to him I was in no way weak.

“I have given you plenty of space. But if it’s space you want so bad, then I can make it even more permanent,” I said to him in a low, dark voice. I was sick of his distance. I was twenty one years old, and I could find someone who wanted to pay attention to me. I may never feel the connection with them like I did with Blake, but I knew I could be in a better situation than I was in then. “I don’t need to deal with your bullshit mixed signals, Blake. So, I’ll go.”

What I didn’t expect in that moment was for Blake to close the space between us, grab the back of my head, and pull me in for a hard kiss. He kissed me like a dying man starving for one last moment of substance. Maybe we both were exactly like that. Both of us starving for that one kiss. The problem was, however, that it couldn’t erase the hurt I felt. We bruised each other’s lips, tugging and sucking roughly.

“You are so fucking sexy when you get fired up, Jo,” he said, pulling away and licking the side of my neck. He was sexy all the time. His hot wet tongue against me made me feel sexy.

Sexy. Sex. I want sex. This man is sexy, and I want sex with him
. As my mind replayed caveman-like thoughts, I worked hard to be strong enough to not give in to him. All those times I wanted him and he warded off my advances,
that
was what I needed to remember. But then his hand that wasn’t holding me to him, moved down my back and cupped my ass. As he kneaded me in his hand, I could feel my resolve weakening. I could feel how much he wanted me, and there was no denying that I wanted him too.