That's a Promise (8 page)

Brooke and Brandon walk in the door next. Brooke’s hair is long and even more blonde than it was when I first met her. She is still just as beautiful, probably even more so now than she was 4 years ago. She is still quirky and says silly things, but she made it through school and is now a kindergarten teacher.

When she and Brandon got engaged a couple of months ago, I knew that there would be a chance that I would have to see Blake again. You don’t get to be the maid of honor for your best friend and not have to see the family she is going to marry. Now I am reaping the effects of their being together.

She comes and kneels down next to me and embraces me. She just holds me, and it is exactly what I need. I don’t know how long we stay like that, but I start to move out of her embrace as she whispers to me, “Is he here?”

I nod, because I know exactly who she is referring to. “I’m so sorry Josie. Brandon let it slip that you weren’t doing too well. He freaked out and yelled at Brandon to tell him what happened.”

“Why does he care?” I ask. Brooke sighs and shakes her head as if she doesn’t understand me.

“You know why, Josie. He may have lied to you the whole time, but he always loved you.”

I shake my head, not accepting that, and walk to the back window that overlooks our backyard. We have a tree out there that has always been a sentimental reminder of my childhood. I broke my arm once from climbing that tree. Seth and I used to play chicken on the branches of the tree, and whoever would fall off first would lose. I fell too hard one time right on my arm. Seth came into the hospital room with a balloon that said “Congratulations” instead of “Get Well Soon” because he said I won. I still think he made that up so I would feel better, but I accepted the win anyway.

One time, my parents hid a present in the tree. I had to climb to the top of the tree before I found what I thought was the lamest gift ever. It was a picture of the three of us laughing while at a dinner at Seth’s house. I jumped down from the tree and told them that was the worst gift ever, even though I did like the picture. They laughed and told me to look on the back where there was an envelope full of money for my first car. Daddy pulled me aside and said, “Don’t forget about me and your Dad when you’re driving all over the place. You’ll always be my baby girl!”

I smile at the memories, but sadness instantly washes over me as I realize that’s all I’ll have left of Daddy. I will only have the memories. I hear some murmuring behind me, and I try my hardest to ignore the deep voice that belongs to the man I once loved. A man who betrayed me.

I’m not innocent, though. I’m guilty too, but for reasons that were only known to one person. He ended up taking that secret to his grave. Blake betrayed me first, and even though I wasn’t looking for revenge, what I did do would be considered an act of betrayal.

But he doesn’t know. And he won’t ever know.

I feel him come up behind me and I whip around and glare at him. I give him the coldest look I have, and don’t let up even though he just stands there looking like he could kiss me at any opportunity.

“Why are you here, Blake?”

“I told you, Jo. I loved your dad too, and I needed to make sure you were okay. I mean, I know you’re not okay, but I needed to be here to see for myself that you’re going to be okay,” he explains. I throw my arms up in frustration, and give him a look of exasperation.

“You can’t fix me, Blake! You couldn’t fix my issues then, and you can’t fix the extra broken pieces that were left from my already wounded and shattered heart now!” I say this with as much conviction I have the energy for, but I know that the crack in my voice gave away just how
not
okay I actually am. He flinches as he listens to me, but I think it only makes him more determined to make me feel better.

He moves closer to me and says in a deep low voice, “I’ve never wanted to fix you, Josie. I love each part of you. I love your strength, and your ability to remain strong even when you are hurting. I love how you get even more beautiful every time I see you.” He reaches out and touches my face, but I pull away from the shock that it gives me after not having been touched by him in a year. My flinch doesn’t deter him because he continues, “I love you as much today as I did four years ago, Josie, and I won’t stop. I can’t stop. You have every right to hate me, but I told you once that I wouldn’t let you go, and I have no intention of giving up.”

“You should.” I whisper to him. “I can’t do this right now, Blake. I just buried my father today, so the last thing I should be talking about is your idiotic notion that you could ever get me back.” I walk away from him and return to the kitchen where there are many cards, flowers, and dishes to sort through. I faintly hear the back sliding door open and close, but I ignore it and the sharp pain that strikes my chest as Blake leaves. Brooke comes in the room and helps me sort through the dishes that people left.

“What about this one? It’s from Mr. and Ms. William Boom,” she asks and holds out the dish and “sympathy” card.

“Oh hell no,” I say and take it out of her hands. “They were taking a walk one day with their son who was in the same grade as me, and they saw Seth and me playing out in the front yard. They pulled him next to them so that he wouldn’t be near us. And guess what they said to him? She told him that Jesus will send us to hell, and that he shouldn’t be near people like that!” I sit it in the pile of dishes that we are going to throw away.

“Oh sweet baby Santa, I can’t believe they said that. It’s not a freaking disease. They probably poisoned this casserole,” she says. She pauses and looks thoughtful before speaking again. “How is Seth, by the way? Have you talked to him?”

I sigh because I knew that this would come up eventually, I just didn’t want to have to explain my reasoning behind everything I do. So, I simply shake my head no and try to focus her attention on the next set of dishes. I should have known better, because she continues to reprimand me.

“Josie! You haven’t told your best friend that one of your dads died? Don’t you think he deserves to know? I mean, your dads are just as much of parents to him as George and Gayle!” She isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know, so I turn to her and let out a huff.

“Brooke, you know we don’t really talk anymore. The most information I get about him is when I see his work in magazines and online or when I talk to Gayle. It’s probably been six months since I last got an e-mail from him. We just aren’t where we used to be anymore, and I have accepted that.” In reality, it still breaks my heart. In a lot of ways, losing him has been harder than losing Blake. I am alone. Daddy is gone, Dad is a shell of his former self, the guy I fell in love with lied to me for years, Brooke is engaged and starting her own family an hour away, and my best friend hasn’t been my best friend for almost two years.

Brooke starts to respond, when we notice Blake standing in the doorway.

“You don’t talk to Seth anymore?” he asks, moving to sit down at the table. I know he is curious, but I don’t want to get into Seth and my relationship with him. I don’t want to get into how I hurt Seth, and that we haven’t recovered from it. I didn’t even tell Seth about what happened with Blake and me. All he knows is that we broke up.

“Nope,” I say and pop the “p” at the end of the word. I hope that clears up any assumption that I would want to further explain what happened. He nods his head as if he understands, but I know that he will bring up the subject again later, if given the chance. We work through the rest of the dishes, and we end up only keeping four out of the ten dishes and sympathy cards that we received from the neighbors and friends.

I go outside and leave Brooke and Blake in the kitchen. I take the casseroles from the hypocritical neighbors and I start to throw each one into the garbage bin, but I feel Blake come up behind me. He takes the dish I have in my hands, and throws it on the ground.

“What the hell, Blake?” I say loudly, completely surprised.

“Go ahead, throw one. Break their glass dishes; put all of the anger that you have always held towards them and towards life in general, and throw it at the ground… I’ll clean it up Jo, just get your anger out before you start punching everyone again.” He smiles at me and hands me the next glass dish.

I’m hesitant as I take the food, but let it drop from my hands anyway. It doesn’t break, so Blake tells me to try again. This time, I throw it at the ground.
Fuck you Mr. and Ms. William Boom, for being judgmental!
I take another one and throw it further away. It shatters to pieces on the ground.
Fuck you Michael for taking away any innocence that I had!
The next one I throw against the tree.
Fuck you Seth Montgomery for making me doubt our relationship!
The next one gets me to let out a small yell.
Fuck you Blake for shattering my heart and hopes for a future!
The last one I throw and yell as loud as I can.
And fuck
you
drunk driver who took my dad away from me too early!

It’s exhilarating, being able to let out my frustrations freely. I have been hiding behind the problems that needed to be fixed immediately, and I haven’t really given myself time to grieve. I let my breathing get back to normal and then sit down on the back porch steps, letting out a sigh.

“Thanks,” I whisper quietly. Blake has been quiet while I let out my aggression, and I am glad he hasn’t asked about what I was thinking as I threw the food. He comes over and sits next to me on the porch. He places his hand right next to mine, and I can’t help but wish things were different. I wish I could let him comfort me, the way he used to comfort me. His pinky finger grazes mine, and I get hopeful that he might push the boundaries. He doesn’t.

“I’m able to get out of work for the next week. I was hoping maybe you and I could talk or just hang out.” He speaks softly, clearly uncertain about how I will respond to him. He looks at me, and he wears a hopeful expression that reminds me of the college boy I met four years ago. He isn’t though, and I need to remember that. I look away, not wanting to get sucked into the look he is giving me.

“Blake, I… um… fuck, I don’t know. It’s not fair for you to come here and make me feel like we could be around each other and be okay. You and I both know we can’t be okay. Too much is wrong with our relationship,” I say with complete frustration. I notice him straightening up next to me, and I recognize the determination in his demeanor immediately.

“One week, Jo. Then you can decide if we can’t try to make this work. You can decide if we were meant to be nothing but a memory.”

He looks at me, and before I know what’s happening, he leans over me and places both hands on either side of my hips. He looks me in the eyes and I see his persistence, but I can also see the hurt and loneliness that he has been feeling since we’ve been apart.

He lowers his voice and says, “We’re not over, Jo. I’ve tried for a year to let you go, and I can’t do it. No matter how many times you need to run, no matter how much shit gets in our way, I will always keep trying. That’s a fucking promise, Josie.” He lightly touches his lips to my upper lip, and I suck in a sharp breath. My heart is racing and I am breathing erratically, surprised that he still holds this power over me. He notices my reaction to him and moves his lips to my ear.

“See how you react to me? Imagine what I can do to you when I kiss every inch of your body.”

I shiver at the thought, and suck my bottom lip into my mouth to help stop a moan from coming out. Because, I can imagine. I remember
exactly
how mind-blowing it was with him, and I can imagine those same soft plump lips traveling down my body. I don’t realize I’m doing it, but the thought has me rolling my eyes to the back of my head and pushing my chest out towards his.

I hear him growl lightly before he licks the side of my neck and trails his tongue back to my ear where he pulls it into his mouth. He does this on purpose because he knows it’s my weak spot, and I shiver with anticipation and need. “Don’t do that, love, if you don’t want me to take you right here.” I do moan this time. He takes in a sharp breath at my reaction and leans in closer to me.

Before he can make good on his promise, the back door slides open and Blake swiftly takes a step back. He seems to be in a daze, but I could be wrong, since my mind feels kind of foggy at the moment. He stares at me, a cloud of lust raging in his eyes, before he walks up the stairs, kisses Brooke on the cheek, and goes back into the house. I groan and put my head in my hands.

Chapter 7

“What the hell happened out here? Looks like an elephant threw up in your backyard!”

I laugh, grateful that she chose the mess we made to talk about and not how I was about to let Blake fuck me on the back porch.

“I needed to get out some anger, so Blake suggested I break some of the dishes. Or all of them. Surprisingly it worked.” I shrug and watch her as she comes to sit with me.

“You seem to be doing a little better.” She sighs and looks at me, “I’ve got to tell you something, Josie. And please don’t be mad at me for telling you today; I was going to tell you sooner, but with everything that happened with your dad, I just didn’t think you would be in the mood.”

“What’s up, Brooke?”

“Well… so… Brandon and I are expecting!” She shrieks as she says it, and I can tell she is so happy about her pregnancy. A pang of guilt hits my stomach and heart at her words, but I am so happy for her, that I ignore my emotions.

“Oh my god! Brooke! I am so happy for you guys! How far along are you? When did you find out? Are you guys excited? Have you told his mom and your parents yet? This is the best thing I could hear on a day like today!” She laughs at my continuous questions, but answers them with equal excitement.

“We’re only about 9 weeks along, we found out about three weeks ago, we are beyond excited, and no, we haven’t told anyone but you so far! I’ve been so sick lately, I was sure I would give it away sooner.” I lean over and hug her as hard as I can. I feel bad that I haven’t noticed sooner that she has been sick.