That's a Promise (35 page)

Your Sexy boyfriend:
Thank you Madam, you are too good…

I let out a soft laugh at his banter. He seemed to be in such a good mood lately, and I was enjoying the attention he was offering me. My phone chimed again with another text.

Your Sexy boyfriend:
P.S.- don’t wear any panties ;)

And then he would send something like that, which wiped any trace of humor from my emotions. I was immediately aroused at his demand and even more excited for our lunch date. The lunch could be a sort of ice breaker for our dinner later that night, and I planned to use it to my advantage. I had some big news to tell Blake, and I needed to make sure he was calm for the conversation. 

I took my time getting dressed and dolled up for the upcoming lunch. I left my hair down and only applied a little bit of eyeliner and mascara. Blake always said he liked me with less make-up, and I was glad because I never was a big fan of excessive make-up.

I remember feeling plagued with a feeling of uncertainty and anxiety throughout my routine to get ready that day. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong or that something bad was going to happen. I begged the universe for better vibes, but the anxiousness didn’t leave. I chose to continue with my day, in hopes that my mood would get better.

I arrived at the café about ten minutes early, so I took a seat in our usual spot in the back corner. The anxiousness started to spread to my throat, and my heartbeat started to race. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t place my finger on exactly what. It wasn’t until I noticed a familiar statuesque blonde walking towards my table, that I knew why I had this continuing feeling of fear.

I didn’t understand why Alice was even in the vicinity of where I lived, let alone in the restaurant where I was meeting Blake. She walked with purpose and with a smirk on her almost flawless face. However, even in my anger, I was able to relish in the humor that there was a big zit next to her nose.

All traces of humor left when she sat down at the booth I was sitting in without even asking for an invitation. I raised my eyebrows at her as she gracefully sat in the booth. I didn’t like her entitled bitchy aura one bit, and I was not looking forward to what was about to come out of her mouth.

I didn’t realize that this moment was going to alter my world completely. I came with complete confidence that Blake and I would be in this relationship for the rest of our lives. I guess there is always something to learn through experiences such as the one that took place on that day, but it doesn’t make living through it any less difficult.

“Well, it was easier to find you than I thought it would be,” Alice said after she situated herself into the seat. I glared at her and didn’t respond. She didn’t deserve a response from me, and I knew that the loudmouth cocky brat would eventually get to the point of her presence.

“I’m sure you are wondering why I am here...,” she said.

I internally rolled my eyes, and gave her a look that said “duh.” 

Undeterred by my reluctance to speak, she continued. “I know Blake is going to be here any minute to talk to you, but I needed to talk to you first.” She sat back in her chair, and almost looked genuinely concerned about something. “Blake’s about to do something stupid, and I needed you to know all the facts before he does it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Can you get to the point please?” She was making no sense to me, and my frustration and impatience was growing tremendously.

“Well, just know that I would have told you sooner, if he hadn’t sworn me to secrecy.” My trepidation grew with each sentence that came out of her mouth. “You need to know this before you get any further into a relationship with him. Do you understand that I am about to tell you this for your own good?”

“I have no doubt that you are only looking out for yourself, but you can justify it however you want.” I just wanted her to get on with what she was going to say.

She nodded and took a deep breath before she continued to talk and ultimately ruin the only sanctuary I had ever felt in my life. My world was shattered, and I couldn’t even begin to relay how the final moments of that conversation played out. This was no longer about Alice. This was about a betrayal of the ultimate kind, and a severed heart.

I remember leaning my head into my hands as I tried to comprehend exactly what she was talking about. I understood everything she said, and there was no going back.

Five excruciating minutes after Alice left the booth, I decided to get up and leave. I could not freak out in public, and I needed to get out of this place where Blake and I had made memories through the last year. My heart was hurting. My soul felt as if it had been ripped apart from my body and unable to come back. I picked up my bag and got out of my seat. As I stood, I noticed Blake walk in through the door and wasn’t able to dodge him in time before he saw me. He smiled his gorgeous smile, and started to walk towards me.

I turned around, looking for the back exit of the café, and rushed towards it. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk to him, but I knew that there was no way of outrunning him at this point. The only thing I could do was make it much less public by confronting him in the back. The red luminescent light of the EXIT sign felt like a warning glaring right into my soul. The problem was that my soul was broken and torn, and saw no reason to adhere to any type of caution. So I continued towards the exit.

The breath I took when I got out the door felt as if I had been trapped under water until I was nearly drowning. For one glorious moment I caught that one breath of air that helped me survive. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel each pang of emotion that infiltrated my body. With my emotions running on full blast, I knew that the following confrontation was in no way going to be civil.

When Blake walked out of the back door with a look of confusion on his face, I couldn’t stop the rage that dominated me. As if in slow motion, I walked over to him and slapped him across the face.

“What the-?” he stuttered, bringing his hand to his face.

“How could you!?” I screamed at him. I came back at him, and shoved him as hard as my small weak arms could. While he didn’t budge from the push, he did move towards me to stop me. Anger and uncertainty clouded his eyes. He didn’t touch me, but he backed me up against the wall so I was trapped.

I could feel the hatred and anger burning through me and I channeled it all in that one look I gave him. When he looked at me in that moment, I will never forget the way his face fell and the sadness that replaced his usually confident composure. It was then that I knew that everything Alice told me was true.

“What’s going on?” he choked out. I kept my glare intact; I didn’t feel one ounce of pity for him.

“What’s your father’s name?” I laced each word with the maliciousness I felt. My heart pounded and my breathing was rough. He stumbled back a bit. Enough to show his uneasiness.

“How-?”

“What is your father’s name!?” I yelled, cutting him off.

“John Porter,” he said, eyes on the ground. It took all I had to not slap him again for lying to my face again.

“What’s his full name, Blake?” He looked up at me and I could feel the pleading in his brown eyes, begging me not to make him tell me. It didn’t matter what he wanted or if he was sorry.

“Michael John Porter.” Each name felt like someone was taking a knife and plunging it inside of me. Anger, hatred, loathing, hostility, animosity, and bitterness filled every pore in my body. Whatever was left of my broken heart was in my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“Michael Porter,” I ground out. “Sexual assault is a
kind
term to use for what your father did to me, Blake. He raped me, and would have killed me if it weren’t for Seth.”

“Josie, I swear I didn’t know-,” he started to explain coming towards me.

“You didn’t know? I call bullshit, Blake! You and your whole family are filled with liars. I can’t even fucking look at you without wanting to kill you!” I started yelling at him as hot tears started to pour down my face.

Blake was a liar. His father was the reason I had lost my virginity, refuge, and who I was as a person. His father touched me in every private part of my body. He left his vile mark on my tattered body, a mark that no amount of scrubbing could extinguish. He took my innocence. He took my freedom. His presence became a shadow on my soul. Blake’s father was my rapist, and my worst nightmare.

“Jo, let me explain,” he pleaded with me.

“What else is there to explain, Blake?” I threw my hands in the air, and tried to maneuver my way around him.

“I didn’t know at first, Josie. I swear. When I found out I didn’t know how to tell you!” He was begging me with his eyes and started to move towards me, but the look I gave him showed him how unwelcome he was.

“When did you find out?” I was practically growling at him at this point. I was like a caged animal who was trying to get out. I was livid and every cell in my body was on fire.

“Ma told me that first time you two met. I’m so sorry, Jo. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you! You have to believe me!”

“Hurt me? You think not telling me that you carry the blood of my rapist would prevent me from hurting? Are you delusional, Blake? That’s the most ridiculous logic I have ever heard.”

“I know I was wrong, Josie, but I just couldn’t find a good time to tell you. The more time that passed the harder it got to tell you!”

“That’s the fucking problem! You were too scared and now it’s too late!” I was full on yelling at him at this point. Bile started to rise to my throat due to the disgust and fear that overwhelmed my senses. I grabbed my stomach and knew I needed to get out of there.

“Josie… please! It’s not too late. I love you so much! I didn’t want to hurt you! I was just trying to protect you,” he pleaded to me.

All this time, I was continually falling in love with someone who I could never be with. I didn’t care to hear his twisted logic about why he thought what he did was okay. I didn’t want to hear or see him ever again. I didn’t think I could stomach being around him. So I finally managed to get away from his barricade and looked at him with every emotion displayed on my broken face. Tears of hurt, brokenness, and anger rushed down my face, and I saw stray tears escaping his eyes. His legs seemed unstable and I could see sorrow written on his face. It should have broken my heart a little more to see him like that, but my bitterness was too overpowering.

I never wanted to see his face again.

He was a traitor.

“You are disgusting, Blake. I can’t look at you ever again without seeing the face of someone who destroyed me. I never want to see you again. I never want to be anywhere near you. And I sure as hell do not want you to ever touch me again. You are a liar and I can’t stand the thought of being around you. We’re done. Do not contact me or come near me ever again,” I said, pure loathing dripping from each word.

He looked as if he was going to say something, but he decided not to. Tears were freely flowing from his gorgeous face, a face that I now despised. I was glad I hurt him, but he would never be able to comprehend the hurt or brokenness that I was experiencing in that moment. I gave him one last look, a look that conveyed every shattered fragment in my soul, and walked away.

I didn’t know when or if I would ever see him again, but I didn’t care. I walked along the side of the building, and knew in my heart that he wouldn’t follow me. I pictured Blake’s last look as I walked away from the café, and the image of his saddened brown eyes made me sick.

How did I not know? How did I miss the lies? Why didn’t I press him for more information about his family? Brown eyes…

I couldn’t help but picture the demented dark brown eyes that Michael Porter had, and I felt sick knowing that Blake’s eyes were just as dark. The memory of having my body and soul tortured mixed with the knowledge that the man I trusted and loved wholeheartedly lied to me for three years, made my stomach churn.

I was so nauseous that I ended up stopping in my tracks and bowing over to succumb to the spasms my stomach. I threw up until my stomach muscles hurt and I could barely move from shaking so bad. It was a moment when I realized that I would no longer have Blake to pick me up when I was down or hurt anymore.

I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with Blake, but I could never be with someone who could lie to me for years. I couldn’t have children with the blood of someone who raped me. I just couldn’t. There was no way I could handle that.

Chapter 33

Friday Present

Bitterness and anger plagued me for so long, but once I finally passed that stage in my grief I was then burdened with unhappiness.

I had lost my best friend, and a little less than a year later, I lost the love of my life. Depression is like a monster that wants to drag you into the dark at every opportunity. Any time I hit a high, either in my career or school, I was brought back down into my depression.

Having Blake show me he loved me for the past week has been uplifting in ways that are hard to describe. I am still hurt by what happened a year ago and the guilt of what I did in return doesn’t help, but having Blake this week has made me happier than I have felt since I left that café. I feel guilty saying that since my dad just died, but I also know that he has been wanting a reconciliation from Blake and me for a long time.

“You hurt me, Blake. It was so hard to move on from that,” I say quietly into the night air. I feel every breath of wind and every piece of bark on my back. This is the conversation that should have been taken place a long time ago. I wanted to forget everything, but it’s impossible. He turns towards me and I can see his brown eyes glistening in the moonlight.

“I know I hurt you, Jo,” he says to me. His hand reaches out and touches my cheek. “I know I never should have kept it from you, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. Just… I want you to let me explain a little bit about why I didn’t tell you anything.”