That Wedding (63 page)

After crying and crying, I feel kinda refreshed in a weird way.

I start to think with a clearer head. I think Mr. D might have been right. I haven't dealt with it. I thought I had to be strong for them to be proud of me. I thought if I didn't let it show, it meant that I was coping. That I'd gotten over it.

I don't think my parents would be very proud of me right now.

They'd probably be embarrassed.

I've made a mockery of everything they taught me. I stood up at their funeral and told everyone about how they lived. About how they appreciated daily life. About how they cherished every day they had.

I haven't done that.

I haven't been smelling the roses. I've been using the roses as an excuse to do whatever I want. Sure, I've had fun, but I haven't really appreciated the amazing things right in front of me. I didn't stop to smell the roses. I've been like a little girl that rode by some roses on her bike. I'd take a whiff, and then I'd swat the petals off with my hand. I wasn't appreciating their beauty.

I was destroying them.

I thought since my parents weren't here that it was okay for me not to give a shit. That it was okay to pretend like I could do whatever I wanted because the world owed me something.

It doesn't.

I think it's up to me.

I reach out and trace my finger across their engraved names. Above their names is a pair of angel wings. Phillip found the design when we picked out the headstone. I trace over the wings too.

My hand instinctively goes down to touch my hip.

I hate needles, but I went all by myself a few years ago and got a tattoo. Even though I'd never seen the headstone, I still had the rough drawing they made when I ordered it. I took the drawing and had the tattoo artist replicate the wings on my hip.

I didn't tell anyone I did it because I really wasn't sure why I did it. Eventually, Phillip and Danny saw it. The next day, they came home with matching angel wing tattoos on their ankles. I was so incredibly touched, I almost cried.

I think of Phillip.

Holding my hand in the hospital.

Holding my hand at the funeral.

Letting me sleep on his shoulder.

Taking me to the swings.

Always, always there for me.

I reach down to touch the cross charm on my wrist.

I panic.

My bracelet. It's gone!

Of course it's gone, you idiot. You left it on the swings.

I HAVE to go get it.

"I have to go!" I say to the grave.

The short drive to the elementary school feels like it takes hours. What was I thinking? Why did I leave it there? Some little kid's going to take it in the morning and not appreciate all it means.

All it means.

All it means.

The phrase runs over and over through my head. I squeal my tires turning into the parking lot. I cannot get there fast enough. I'm gonna get my bracelet, and then I'm gonna find Phillip.

I can't let him go.

I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care if we're stupid. I don't care that we failed a stupid class. I don't care if it ends in divorce after six months.

I don't care.

Pastor was right that first day. I've been running away from Phillip every time things get tough. I always make him come running after me and make him rescue me. I've created drama on occasion, just so he'd rescue me because I like it. It's not fair to him.

Is that what my dad was trying to tell me in my dream? That Phillip and I never listened to anyone?

We didn't listen when they told us girls and boys shouldn't be friends. We didn't listen when people gave us shit about our friendship. We didn't listen when the people we were dating threatened to leave us if we didn't stop spending so much time together.

Our relationship has survived over twenty years because we didn't listen to anyone.

Not even my dad.

I picture Phillip in the tree. How his arm stayed stretched out, his hand empty, long after my dad pulled me away.

Phillip has always fought harder for us than I have. It's no wonder he's tried to move so fast. He's afraid I'm going to run. I don't ever want Phillip to doubt my love. This time, and from now on, I'm gonna run to him. I'm gonna fight for him. I'm so in love with him.

But first, I have to get my bracelet.

I tear out of the car and race to the swings.

My bracelet is gone.

I look around, but I don't see anyone. What kind of kids would be out swinging after dark?

Shit.

Bad kids.

Katie and I used to sneak out of her house at night and smoke on these very swings.

Maybe it fell off.

I drop to my knees and frantically run my fingers across the dark snowy dirt. I don't feel it. I need some light. I need my phone. What did I do with my phone? I think I turned it off and threw it in the backseat.

I turn around and run straight into Phillip's broad chest.

"You looking for this?" he says, holding up the bracelet.

Without even thinking, I hug him tightly with relief. I take in a big breath and am engulfed by Phillip's scent. The scent that smells like home.

"Phillip, oh my God, you have it! I thought I lost it when I was here earlier!"

"Don't act like you lost it. It didn't fall off you. I found it hooked to the swing's chain." He gives me that look. The look you get when you get caught in a lie. "Where have you been? Why did you leave the bracelet here?"

"Because I thought we were over, Phillip. I couldn't stand to look at it because it represented failure. My failure."

"But you came back for it. Why?"

I get tears in my eyes. "Because it's the story of our life."

Phillip looks around. "And this is where it all began."

I smile. "I know."

"It it gonna end here too?"

"Phillip, we really need to talk."

"Well, that doesn't sound very promising." He sighs big and sits on a swing.

"Why did you ask me to marry you on our first date?"

He grimaces. "However I say this, it's gonna sound bad."

"Just tell me."

"We were finally together, something I wanted for a very long time. I felt like I had to move fast. Get engaged, get married, before you could change your mind. I know I've been pushing you. You kept trying to tell me how you were feeling. I avoided it. If you wanna back out, I understand. I just thought if we could make it a few more weeks, we'd be married."

"And I'd be stuck with you?"

"Yeah, maybe." He looks at me with pleading eyes. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

"I make you horny?" I give him a teeny smile.

"Jadyn."

"I'm joking, but here's the more important question, Phillip. Do you have
any
idea what you do to me? You seem to think it's this one sided thing. That you love me more than I love you just because you think you figured it out before I did. I know everyone thinks I'm oblivious. That I didn't see it, but I knew. Remember when we were kids, and we'd stare up at the stars and think about how infinitely big the universe is and how small we felt in comparison? How it's like awe- inspiring?"

"Yeah?"

"That's how I've felt about you all these years. When you asked me to marry you in fourth grade, I prayed that I would. When you told me you loved me after spin the bottle, I wanted to say,
I love you too
. When we were in the chapel at the hospital, you told me you loved me again. I knew you meant it. When you'd take your shirt off in front of me, I tried so hard not to drool. Every night when you answered your phone with,
Hey Princess
, I melted. When you'd fall asleep studying in my bed, I never woke you up because I loved waking up in your arms. I kinda hurt Danny's feelings when I didn't ask him to sit with me at the funeral. I lied and told him it was because I was confused about our relationship, but really it was because there was no one else I wanted by my side. And I'm not dumb or oblivious, Phillip. I just felt so small in comparison to how big our love felt. I wasn't ready for it yet. That day we first slept together, I thought I was ready. I thought I'd grown up, but I hadn't. Since my parents died, I haven't really cared about anything that much. Win. Lose. Succeed. Fail. It was all part of the adventure, all part of the game. With you, I care. I care so much."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"Yes, I really do. Why did you come here, Phillip? To the playground?"

"What do you think I've been doing for the last five hours, besides calling you? I've been looking for you. Have you even checked your phone?"

I look down and shake my head no. "I was crying, Phillip. I haven't really let myself cry since the night of the funeral." I look at him and bite my lip. I don't even try to push back the tears. I don't think I could stop them if I tried. "I went to their grave."

His eyes get big. "You did? You said you were never going there."

I clutch my hand to my chest. "I know. I think maybe I didn't deal with it, Phillip. I think I'm broken. I've been pretending I'm okay, but I'm not. It still hurts, and I cried. I cried a lot."

Phillip chuckles and points to my face. "Um, I can kinda tell you've been crying."

"Do I look like a raccoon?"

"Maybe just a little." He pulls out a hankie and hands it to me. I wipe some of the mascara from my face. "You still look beautiful to me."

"I think I cried all four years worth of the tears I've been holding inside me. I miss them, Phillip. I don't think I'll ever stop missing them."

He nods his head at me.

"We did a good job on the headstone. It turned out really nice."

Phillip pulls me into his arms, the way he always does when I need him. "I know it did. I've been there a few times. You know, you don't have to be strong with me."

I nod my head as he continues. "And I'm sorry. I've been looking for you because I need to tell you something. I knew you were gonna blow. I saw the signs that night in Lincoln. You told me about your cold feet, about settling, and about all your bad dreams. I knew you were getting scared, but I kept pushing you. I'll wait. If you need more time, I'll wait. We can postpone the wedding. I'm done pushing you."

He gives me those eyes, those eyes that make me melt, that are like some sort of stealth ray that sneaks in and wipes out my defenses.

"Remember how I said you always know what I need?"

He nods. "Yeah."

"I needed a push, Phillip. I needed you to push me, otherwise, I wouldn't have freaked. I needed to feel like we were over to know that there's no way I'd ever let us be over. I never want us to be over, Phillip. Never, ever." I give him a little smirk. "Although we clearly failed couple's counseling."

"Couple's counseling was shit."

"You told me I needed to take it seriously."

"Maybe I was wrong." He tilts his head. "You're shivering." He stands up, takes his coat off, and wraps it around me. Then he leans his body into mine. "No wonder you're shivering, you're soaking wet."

"I was maybe laying in the snow when I was crying," I chuckle. I'm such a freaking loser.

He runs his warm hands inside my shirt to warm me up. I want to throw him into the snow and kiss him, but I can't. We have to get through this first.

"So I wrote down everything you said," he tells me as he pulls out his phone. I can see he's typed a little list. Only Phillip would've written down everything I jumbled out and written a rebuttal. I don't even remember what all I said. "But first, I have to know. Did anything happen when you were in the back room with Bradley? Did you kiss?"

"No, Phillip. I couldn't. He sort of leaned up against me, which should've felt familiar, but it felt all wrong. I think you ruined me. I don't think I could ever be with anyone else. I told Bradley if you dumped me, I'd have to become a nun."