That Takes Ovaries! (3 page)

In short, when asked, “Hey, what have
you
ever done that was bold, gutsy, or brazen?,” many women answered loud and clear: “I fought back.”

There were fathers who battered, boyfriends who raped, and strangers who catcalled, groped, used guns, fists, or date-rape drugs. The list goes on. Reading the submissions, I was floored. So much assault.

Obviously these stories are not just isolated instances. This pattern is a larger social problem, happening within a wider political context. Some call it
patriarchy.
Your grandma might have called it “a man’s world.” Whatever we’ve labeled it over the years, the reality is that it hurts women. The evidence:
Women are still struggling for the right to live without violence, have equal representation in their political institutions, and receive equal pay for their work.

Does this mean men are the enemy?

No.

Most women love, adore, hug, hold, birth, help raise, build homes and snowmen, eat pancakes and sushi, create babies and sidewalk murals, debate prison reform and the international space station, and/or happily sex it up with males every day. The world is full of good men.

But this does not mean we should keep quiet about how women and girls worldwide must defend themselves against violence or the threat of violence on a regular basis. Sharing personal experiences aloud can be the foundation for any political movement. For any society to evolve, for any people to be free, before reality on the ground can be changed, the truth needs to be told.
Truth:
The FBI estimates that on average a woman is raped every six minutes in the United States (and those are only the reported rapes).
Truth:
Every fourteen seconds a woman is physically assaulted in the United States.
Truth:
One of every three women in the world has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime.

But women are not alone. In fact, women and girls have natural partners in their truth-telling task: men and boys. The institution of patriarchy hurts them as well. They, too, are on the receiving end of male violence. They, too, need to break the taboo against telling the truth about their lives.

Boys are born loving, caring, cooperative. Those who become men-who-hurt don’t do so all on their own. A substantial number have witnessed or were themselves victims of beatings and sexual abuse. Even more widespread, however, is the systematic, often violent, squashing of boys by people who have already internalized hurtful social constructs of “masculinity.” Our society’s warped norms instruct boys to fit their beautiful, sprawling humanity into an itty-bitty box of what a man is “supposed” to be: strong to the point of being stoic; hard to the point of being emotionally
numb; and, yes, sometimes powerful to the point of being oppressive. There is little room in that box for any human expressions deemed “girlish”—such as sadness, tenderness, vulnerability, and nurturing—even though those are just the sentiments that could help heal the negative effects of all the squashing.

Of course, internalizing rigid ideals of manhood or experiencing systematic violence does not negate personal responsibility for violent behavior toward others. It just makes it easier to understand its origin. Whatever the origin, everyone must try to stop the violence targeted at
any
of us. And women who publicly talk about the courage it took to stand up against assault are doing just that. By speaking out, they not only create momentum for political action to end the violence, they also begin to liberate themselves in the process.

Women’s and girls’ liberation will not be complete, however, until it is widely understood how our culture of institutionalized sexism hurts everyone. How it tries to turn inherently strong girls into women who hesitate to use their power (even in selfdefense), and inherently compassionate boys into men with an inclination to dominate. Gender straitjackets. For any one group to be free, everyone needs to be free; no one should be stopped—not by stereotyping, not by violence—from expressing his or her full range of emotions and abilities. So, while this book includes women and girls telling the truth about their lives, I hope it also encourages men and boys, women’s allies in our mutual liberation struggles, to do the same.

My hope is that the narratives here affirm the reader’s already bold life—or expand her imagination of what is possible for herself and her society. I want girls and women to be empowered by seeing what others do.

From girlhood, many are trained to step lightly, carefully, even though being assertive, making noise, and creating waves are often the skills that help a girl most—whether advancing her career or ensuring her safety.

By celebrating bold, risk-taking women, I hope to encourage others to take risks. Struggle and risk are part of any attempt at personal or social change. Like courage, risk-taking is infectious. This is true both between people and within a person. Between, it is motivating to witness someone else’s courage. Within, an individual develops confidence and experience by taking risks and living through them; the more risks she takes in one area of her life, the more she feels able to take them in others. She may start with a gutsy act for pleasure—instigating an erotic interlude with messy paints, tracking huge gorillas alone in West Africa, shaving hairy legs in playful stripes, tricking a pimp out of his money—and before long she won’t put up with any timidity, any pussyfooting around in any area of her life.

Once a girl is initiated and passes the
I’m-a-risk-taker
threshold, and she knows she can act regardless of fear, her life becomes fuller. With newfound confidence, she is willing to address unfair treatment she experiences or witnesses. She is no longer able to tolerate the sight of injustice without trying to address it,
because she no longer feels it is beyond her ability to succeed.

She’ll run her sister’s batterer out of town, bawl out a racist cop (even though she is only five years old!), spread her legs hundreds of times to teach doctors how to properly care for women’s gynecological health, mount a pee protest in demand of wheelchair-accessible bathrooms on campus, and save a girl she doesn’t know from being beaten on the side of the highway. If a woman lives her life in a more daring mode all the time, then there will be no question about whether she will stand up for herself and others when mistreated, and no question she’ll fight back if attacked.

I want to recognize girls and women who are not afraid to act contrary to how the predominant norms say they should, not afraid to break the rules, act improperly, get dirty. All that is part
of leading a “no limits” life. The main message of the book?
Enjoy being bold, and if that is scary at first, marvel at your ability to walk through fear.
Not letting fear stop us in one area of our lives means we are less likely to let it stop us in others, from defending ourselves against a single incident of discrimination to changing the world for the better.

Happy reading!

Rivka, 2002

Girls are born self-assured and bold.

It is not a chromosomal thing that makes many girls shy about speaking up in class, hesitant to dive into competitive sports, or tolerant of street harassment. It’s not due to genetic makeup that women are less likely to run for political office, climb the corporate ladder, or attain equality—whether equal pay on the job or equal attention in the bedroom. It’s not nature; it’s nurture. Internalized social messages and conditioning by a sexist, often violent society are what contributes to any female’s suppressing her naturally confident, daring self and replacing it with less risk taking, less space-taking behavior.

Well, it’s time to deprogram.

It’s time to reject all that keeps a woman quiet or unsure. Many girls are conditioned to downplay their abilities or needs so that no one else’s feathers get ruffled. Most women are taught not to push for or promote their own self-interests. This antiquated behavior has kept women back.

What femininity needs is a boost of bravado.

We perk up and take note when we hear about acts of female adventure and courage. They are stories we grab onto and delight in with others (”
Hey, did you hear about the woman who
…”). We fix on these magnetic mental images and they become models of
how we, too, can be in our lives (”
If she can do it, so can I!
“). So what we need are role models galore—down and dirty role models. They show what is possible. They show how to counteract the subtle and overt messages telling us to be “good girls” even when doing so isn’t in our best interest.

Fortunately, role models abound. They are in every racial, cultural, and socioeconomic group, and in girls and women of every age, sexual orientation, ability, and disability. They are everywhere, because they are us. Many girls believe in their strength in spite of cultural conditioning. Women find ways to skirt around and overcome efforts to program them. Examples of resistance, bravery, and breaking-the-mold behavior can be found in every female.

If courage creates ripples, get ready to be hit by a wave.

That Takes Ovaries!
is a celebration of ourselves—girls and women just like you and me, speaking in our own words about our own actions. This is a celebration of everyday feisty females, those who haven’t made the history books or the cover of
Time
magazine but who
have
taken on the tired, false stereotype of the passive female. Their gutsy acts spur us to be risk-takers and heroines in our day-to-day lives. Then we, creating ripples ourselves, inspire them in return with our own daring deeds.

That takes balls
are words of praise reserved for a man who has done something bold: a guy we might respect for his ability to push the boundaries or break the rules, a boy with chutzpah. Well,
move over, gentlemen, it’s time for the ladies!

Some women need
ovaries
simply to survive in this harsh world. Others need them in order to flourish. But wherever an individual may fall on that spectrum, it is almost certain she will need to be a
Woman of Ovaries
if she wants to right wrongs, fight the injustices that still plague our communities, and gain her own freedom. Freedom, after all, isn’t simply about rejecting conditioning; in the end, it’s about dismantling the sexist institutions that promote the conditioning. We gotta be risk-takers to do that.

Of course,
all
stories are welcome here, whether they are
about hell-raising social change or hell-raising fun. Either act can be a life-altering experience if a girl is tossing aside the rules of how a female is “supposed” to behave.

Although some of the
ovarian
acts described here may seem too risky to you (and, in retrospect, they may seem that way to some of the people who did them), remember that the deeds were done with a sassy sense of valor and adventure. Of course, some were also done out of panic and blind instinct, and some yielded unsuccessful results. The aim is not to showcase perfect women doing perfect, selfless acts—though we’ll witness some of those here, too. The goal is to showcase
real
women. Sometimes we make smart, calculated decisions; sometimes we take foolhardy chances. Either way,
that takes ovaries!

Sometimes we have our wits about us and we think on our feet. Sometimes we act before we think—
Ready … fire … aim!
Sometimes we don’t think at all.

In these stories, women and girls rush up the ladder, run the length of the diving board, and jump in. Only on the way down, when they’ve already committed to the act, do they consider if there is enough water in the pool. And if there isn’t, well, they’ll figure something out.

This chapter is about women’s and girls’ capacity to calculate a situation with keen speed and make on-the-spot decisions that open up new possibilities for them … or save their butts. Whatever the motivation–whether they see an opportunity and grab it, tossing caution (and consequence) to the wind; whether they’re forced to react quickly in order to protect themselves and loved ones; whether they don’t want to lose face, or they feel the need to prove something–for the women and girls in these stories, instinct just takes over and they follow their gut reactions. What are gut reactions, after all, if not a type of lightning-quick intelligence?