Textual Encounters: 2 (14 page)

At the nearest table, our waitress is distracted by Will’s quiet sobs and she stops writing orders long enough to look at him. Her face drops. It tells me something’s wrong. As if sensing my eyes on her, she glances my way, but quickly turns her attention back to the patrons at her table.

Fuck. Me.

I tap four quick words into the Samsung and wait.

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10:20am:

Me: Will, is that you?

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10:20am:

You need to move the out. Be gone before I get home tonight.

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With that, his shoulders calm. I watch Will from behind as he pockets his phone and straightens his back, and without so much as looking at me one last time, he grabs his salad and
walks away from the bar.

After he leaves through the restaurant’s doors, I feel a shiver run through me. That sixth sense kicks in again and I catch the waitress watching me, her eyes reflecting the shock on my own face.

And then the Samsung vibrates again. I snatch it up.

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10:21pm:

Katie2: You’re a fucking whore
.

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* * *

It’s the longest wait for a cab I have ever experienced and it feels like everyone is looking at
me, blaming me with their hateful and accusing eyes. It’s my fault for everything. Eventually a taxi pulls to a stop and just as I settle into the back seat it starts raining. Actually it starts pouring.

“Where to, lady.” Even the cab driver sounds accusatory.

And because I don’t know where I’m going or where I should go, his tone becomes even
more
accusatory.

“Lady, I don’t have all freaking day. Where to?”

Funny, it seems we’re already moving and the meter is already running; the longer I’m here, the more he gets paid. But since he wants a smaller fare, I rhyme off the Penthouse address. I’ll have to pack a few things; I’ll let the divorce attorney’s office get the rest of my stuff whenever the ink dries. The driver knows my address according to the nod he gives me and we speed up to a slightly quicker crawl.

While wading through traffic, I wonder how everything turned south so quickly. How come I assumed it was Katie who found me in the bathroom at Toshi’s. Or at least why did I think it was Katie who wanted to meet me at the restaurant today.

I rest my head back against the seat. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Will is right to hate me, I never loved him in the first place, and right now I just broke his heart. He’s a good man, he never deserved any of this. Fuck, what have I done?

I reach down and retrieve the Samsung. There’s still a little left to read. I swipe at the screen and return to jAppe with a feeling in my stomach like my life is now over.

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Jake

2:36pm:

Katie, it’s been over a month. Can you please give me the time of day?

2:57pm:

I was speaking with Mitchell this morning and he asked about you. That’s probably why I’m writing to you now. The way he looked at me when I said we haven’t spoken since shortly after his weekend party only enhanced the pain I’ve been feeling since you saw what you think you saw.

3:00pm:

For the record, I have asked Rachel to never contact me again. We’re through. Forever. I never told you how she almost ruined my relationship with Christine by showing up in my life and fucking with my head. She’s married. She needs to spend
her time with her husband. Not me. She had her chance with me, but she blew it. I can’t keep playing those games with her.

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3:03pm:

She’s a whore, Jake. Fucking you while fucking her husband.
A cheating whore. And to be fair, you’re equally to blame. You told me you loved me. Now I want nothing to do with you.

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Jake

3:04pm:

You’re right. I hate Rachel for this.

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3:04pm:

Funny. I hate YOU for this.

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Jake

3:05pm:

I don’t hate her
because of her addiction to sex – who knows how many other guys she is fucking behind my back – but because this is fucking up my relationship with you. I love you, Katie. I know that more than I’ve known anything else in my life. I. Love. You.

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3:05pm:

That’s where you’re wrong. SHE isn’t the reason
you’ll never have another chance at me. YOU are the reason for that. And she’s no more addicted to sex than you are. You two are perfect for each other and I wish you both nothing but the worst.

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Jake

3:06pm:

Fair enough. It takes two, right? I could have- no, I SHOULD have pushed her away when I had the chance. I didn’t. And although I’m not blaming you, remember this: YOU kept pushing ME away. You knew how I feel yet you kept pushing? We had all weekend together, what else was I supposed to think?

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3:08pm:

I DID love you, Jake. From that
very first day, my heart was yours. And now that it’s broken and bleeding, I blame you.

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Jake

3:09pm:

You sure had a strange way of showing me that you love me. The whole “let’s be fuck-buddies” followed by “let’s be friends” in the last few weeks. WTF was I supposed to think? That you love me? Not a chance. I felt like I was constantly fighting for you attention, for you to open up. All I wanted was your love.

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3:11pm:

Love is my
weakness, Jake. I didn’t want you to see mine.

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Jake

3:12pm:

No, you’re wrong about that.

3:14pm:

L
ove makes you smart and strong. Smart enough to know there is nothing else that matters. Strong enough to know that nothing else can weaken you. When you’re in love, you’re at peace, you’re whole and you’re always safe. I KNOW I made you feel at peace. And I KNOW I always made you feel safe.

3:14pm:

And while I can’t speak for you, I ALWAYS felt whole whenever we were together. Even when we weren’t together, ju
st knowing you were there and I’d get another chance at loving you, I felt I had found my counterpoint. I’ve said that before, I know I have.

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3:16pm:

Yes, you have. I don’t know what it means, but you’ve said it before.

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Jake

3:16pm:

It’s
a technical term I heard on the classical music station. I know that sounds cold and un-romantic, but it fits. It’s where you have two very different musical melodies that, individually, play extremely beautifully. But when you put them together, they’re harmonious. When I heard it, I thought of us. I have my life, you have yours. When we are together, my life is even more harmonious.

3:18pm:

Or at least it was more
harmonious for me. Whenever we were together, my world was beautiful. It makes me sad that you don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe we are better off as friends…?

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3:19pm:

No, not friends.
Not anything. Because I can’t do this. I can’t go from opening myself up one second to shutting myself down entirely the next. Seeing that whore leave your building with rosy, post-orgasm cheeks and a smug grin on her face made me realize something. It’s better to say goodbye to you. Because you are a beaten wife, Jake. You’ll always go back to her. And I can’t love a beaten wife.

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Jake

3:21pm:

You’re right, she abused me long enough. But it has ended. You’ve given me the strength I need to get over her. Because like I said earlier love makes you strong and smart. She had a chance to fight for me. She didn’t. All she did was show up before her wedding day. I was pathetic. When she said she was getting married that morning, I begged her to stay.

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3:35pm:

Goodbye, Jake.

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Jake

3:36pm:

No,
not goodbye. I will continue to FIGHT for you, Katie. Like I’m always fighting for you because I know that begging didn’t work for Rachel and it sure won’t work for you.

3:37pm:

You see, I begged her to stick around
to see how I was the better choice. Begged her to let me show her how I could make her happier than the man she chose instead of me, the man she married. I could have made her happier than ANY man.

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3:40pm:

So you know how it feels. When the person you love picks someone else.

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Jake

3:41pm:

Yes. I do. It’s why I gave you so much time this past month.

3:44pm:

And you’re forgetting something. I didn’t pick Rachel over of you. I might have slept with her, but that’s not love. It was just sex. That’s it.

3:45pm:

Something I never told ANYONE
was when we had sex that Friday night, the next morning when she was gone, I lost it. I cried and cried – it was the worst feeling I have ever had, to feel completely abandoned and lost without someone else. She came back, though. I still don’t know why, but I suspect it was to say goodbye while still keeping that door open for our friendly encounters. I really thought we could make things work. I told her we could pick up exactly where we left off. She disagreed. I begged her to not marry this guy. Raw emotion was pouring out of my mouth, my eyes, I felt like I was sacrificing my soul out to her. I guess I was. And all she did was sit on the edge of the bed while I was on the floor, latched on to her ankles, begging at her feet. I was like a dog, Katie. A fucking dog. You know what she did?

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3:47pm:

She had “just sex” with you?

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Jake

3:47pm:

Very funny.
I’m pouring my heart out to you and you decided to be funny. Good one.

3:48pm:

Actually,
what she did was stand up and step out of my grip. She walked over me like I was a piece of trash, and as she left she told me: You had your chance, it’s over.

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3:48pm:

So this isn’t new for you
.

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Jake

3:50pm:

That hurt. A lot. So when I say it’s “just sex” how could it ever be anything more than that? How could it be meaningful after what she did to me? After what she said to me that Saturday morning before her wedding? I’m not an idiot, Katie. I know what this means to her. And it has always meant even less to me.

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3:58pm:

But
Jake, you don’t do that when you love someone else. Not because it’s “just sex,” but because you know it will hurt the person you love if she ever finds out about it.

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Jake

3:59
pm: