Texts from Bennett (13 page)

“Do I like . . . push a button to start it?” I whispered to myself. There were no buttons on it.

Seconds later my motivation was out the window. I always commit to shit, then hate myself for it twenty minutes later. What the fuck was I up so early for? Mowing the lawn sounded dreadful. The morning sun wasn’t even fully showing and was still dark orange and rustic. The grass was damp with a moist layer of fog and drops
of sticky dew. It was still chilly outside. And if it’s still chilly outside in August: it’s too early. Ostensibly, no one was awake in the entire subdivision.

Suddenly, my neighbor Tallulah, Bennett’s new flame, materialized from her garage. She had whitish-blond hair, a warped frame, and was wearing a tank top and sweatpants cut at capris length. She didn’t wear makeup, and had a purple hue to her face that resembled a raw London broil slab. Her cheeks seemed puffy from a vigorous night of sleeping, and she had pillow creases indented into her face. There was purpose in her step. She locked eyes with mine and smiled with closed lips. I wasn’t sure of how to handle this conversation, but I was eager to have it.

“Hi. Matt, right?” she asked, extending her hand to shake mine. I returned the shake. Her grip was hard. I hate when chicks shake hands harder than me. There’s a very masculine quality to shaking hands too hard. For some odd reason it makes me wonder if the girl is secretly a transvestite.

I looked at her (or him), while shaking, and said, “It’s actually Mac.”

“Oh, sorry. My mistake.”

“No no. Happens all the time. How’s your morning?”

“Not bad. And yours? I see you got out the lawn mower.”

“Yep, yep. Gonna give my yard a haircut. Sorry it’s gotten a little long. I just had relatives move in, and it’s been pretty chaotic over here. I know it’s not fun to look at.”

“Ohhh. It’s been a nice break. The two guys who lived in this
house before you cut it like every other day. It was really loud and annoying.”

“Well that will definitely not be us. So what’s going on?”

She opened her mouth to say something, but the words weren’t there. Silence. She quietly smiled and nodded her head. Some internal shift in how she wanted to approach this talk completed, her face and posture went from polite to blunt in a snap.

“So, you own this house, right?” she asked, in a tone that assumed the answer to be yes.

“Mmhmm,” I said, delivering a smile to imply the door was open to sound off about her concerns and/or experiences with Bennett.

“Yeah, I thought so. Well, I’m sure you know that your cousin Bennett found my cat the other day and returned him to me.”

“I’m aware.”

“Yeah, well . . . are you
aware
of everything
else
that happened?”

I couldn’t tell if she was mocking me, or if she was really that disturbed by it. “Nah. What’s going on?”

She furiously gazed into my eyes as she rummaged through her right sweatpants pocket and pulled out her iPhone. She was mumbling under her breath something to the effect of, “Bennett, he’s an asshole. The kid’s a pervert.” Which would have been an applicable phrase to say, but I couldn’t confirm that she indeed said it. I suppose she could have said, “Bennett needs a tassel and delicious sherbet.” But that phrase would have only made sense if she was planning on throwing a graduation party for Bennett at a yogurt shop.

“Here, start at the beginning.” She handed me the phone to read her open text conversation with Bennett.

MR. B:
geuss who.

TALULA:
Hello?

MR. B:
its Ur new husbind

TALULA:
Huh? Who is this?

MR. B:
its bennett da cat saviar

TALULA:
Ohh! Hey! I was just thinking about u! :D :D

MR. B:
sup baby

TALULA:
Not much! You?

MR. B:
smoken a blizzy U

TALULA:
Ahh. I don’t smoke pot.. But i suppose i can forgive u for smoking cuz ur the greatest man I’ve ever met.

TALULA:
I was sooo worried about my Slugger. He has seperation anxiety and yes this sounds rediculous but he also has suicidal tendencys. He’s tried to kill himself a few times, which is why he jumped in front of the truck.

“Agh! Pet peeve! Never spell
ridiculous
with an
e
!” I said, looking up and smiling.

Tallulah was not amused.

TALULA:
I didn’t think u’d text, I figured u’d be out saving the world.. lol =op Your truly amazing.

MR. B:
your amazon to..im always saven da wrld its my job

TALULA:
It is? What did u say your vocation was again? Earlier on the porch? :) Sorry I vaguely remember.

MR. B:
nah i dont take vocations baby im always husslin no time to relax gadda save deez yung anamiels

TALULA:
Lololol. Ur funny. Doesn’t hurt that ur cute too! :-*

TALULA:
Are u typing like that on purpose?

MR. B:
typin like wat

TALULA:
Um . . . an illiterate? Haha.

MR. B:
haha

TALULA:
Lmao good . . . I love a man with a sense of humor.

TALULA:
U were telling me that ur cousin and his gf are living with you. Right?

MR. B:
yes

MR. B:
dey r basicly bums adictid 2 meth..i let dem move N2 my house wile dey figa out a new place to live and get sobber..

TALULA:
Seems like ur doing the right thing . . .

TALULA:
Or should I say . . .

TALULA:
Seamz like ur doin da rite thang hahaha.

MR. B:
na fuk dat dey drive me krazzy

TALULA:
Be nice . . . be nice . . .

TALULA:
Seriously . . . text me the real way. I want to know more about u. :o*

MR. B:
k

TALULA:
So u really don’t have a gf? >=oD

MR. B:
na. im singel im waiten for da rite girl to luv me but i can only love a girl if she lets my 34 cats sleep in bed with us

TALULA:
Ahahaha whoaa u have 34 cats???!!!

MR. B:
yes i take a bathe with dem and watch moviez wit dem i luv cats so much i mite buy my cats a cell phone so i can call dem

TALULA:
Haha i’m so gullible. Damn u!

MR. B:
wat

TALULA:
Hehe type the real way . . . I’m getting a migraine. :o/

TALULA:
What’s ur job though, Mr. B? Srsly?

TALULA:
Oh i just saved ur name in my phone as Mr. B haha

MR. B:
i preform charaty work i”m a human rites actavator

TALULA:
Really? Me too! I’m a huge philanthropist!

TALULA:
Are we like a match made in Heaven or something? Could it be? I’m already kinda crushin on u. :-X

MR. B:
yes jesus made u from a Angle fether..u got wingz and a gold hoola hoop over yer head.OMG! u r my Angle talula Omg

TALULA:
As annoying as ur being with this text style, that was actually very sweet.

MR. B:
im good at writting potery

TALULA:
I’ll be the judge of that when u decide to text like an adult. But I can’t lie . . . even with ur intentionally bad grammar my pupils are dilating

TALULA:
U definately got me swooning, Mr. B.

TALULA:
Heh. It’s like I meet so many guys but none of them share my passion for animals and charity . . . except u . . . <333

MR. B:
i mite get tha wordz animiels r so cute tattood on me

TALULA:
I have a better idea. Tell me more sweet things! : ) Pwease?

MR. B:
k like wat

TALULA:
I dunno. I thought it was sweet how u said Jesus made me from an angel feather. Tell me more stuff like that? Pwetty pwease? With a cherry on top?

Okay, this chick is pathetic.

This was really starting to gross me out. I stared at her silently, implying that she was quite pathetic. But then I realized that she had no idea what part of the text I was reading, so I continued reading.

MR. B:
k

MR. B:
jesus turnt a bottle of water into u

MR. B:
like dat or diffrant

TALULA:
Haha uh . . . I think that was sweet? How bout no more Jesus ones. Make up a new one. Pwease.

MR. B:
send me sum pix of ur booty in A hot thong OMG mm send

TALULA:
Excuse me? Whoa.

TALULA:
Slow down, buddy. I’m not like that.

MR. B:
k

TALULA:
Ur gonna have to earn that :) Try again. Come on be sweet again!

MR. B:
i wud loose my virginitty 2 u

MR. B:
wanna no why?cuz u have sexy eye balls

TALULA:
Errr . . .

MR. B:
did dat 1 make u want me

TALULA:
=/ The joke is getting old, Mr. B!

MR. B:
k want a diff 1 ?

MR. B:
hey u their ???

TALULA:
Sorry phone died.

TALULA:
So . . . how old are u again?

MR. B:
38

TALULA:
Hmm. When’s ur bday?

MR. B:
i will tell U if U send me pix in ur Bra and pantiez

TALULA:
Sigh. One day my prince charming will scoop me off my feet. I was hoping it would be u but u seem to be like all the rest of them. Only interested in 1 thing . . . :(

MR. B:
sorry babby im jus so hot 4 U

TALULA:
:-O Well . . . I think i kinda like u too? But come on, Mr. B, will u pwease type like a grown up. For me?

MR. B:
K srry

MR. B:
i do hella volantier work i was on da commity to save Tookie Williams da leader of da Cripz i also snuggel kittys for money at PEDA

TALULA:
I see.

TALULA:
Are u screwing w me or something?

MR. B:
wat

TALULA:
You keep typing like that and saying wierd stuff.

TALULA:
When is ur bday?

MR. B:
like march 1973 we think but my birth certifakit was burnt in a fire

TALULA:
1973 huh?

MR. B:
yep

TALULA:
You’re definately lying . . .

MR. B:
nope i aint lyen baby let me karess u wile i look n2 ur eyes. u will kno im not lyen when i kiss Ur brestz pashinitly

TALULA:
So are you really like 19 or something? Did u just like find my cat and see there was a reward for him?

MR. B:
na like i said i luv anamels alot 2.i used to rescue rockwilders im one of da highest paid members of peda

I had seen all the texts beyond that point. I gave her the phone back. Bennett was outclassed and outsmarted. His game, if that’s what you’d call it, wouldn’t work on a girl like this.

“As you can see, my cousin’s a bit of a fibber,” I said. “He’s only seventeen and can be a heathen at times.”

“He’s only
seventeen
?” she snapped.

“Yeah? I mean no disrespect, but I don’t understand how you didn’t notice how young he was when he brought the cat back over to you.”

“I guess I didn’t pay attention. I was so excited to see my kitty. I really love cats. They are my life. Are you a big cat person? Cats are such majestic creatures. I have no shame in saying that I like them more than most human beings.”

“Cats?”

“Yes. So anyway . . .”

[Fast-forward seven hundred to seven hundred and fifty paragraphs of bullshit about how fantastic cats are, trust me, you don’t want to read it . . . ]