Tethered (57 page)

“I want to marry him because I love him, Emmet.”

“You may love him, but you know love isn’t enough, not in your circumstance.”

“What circumstance is that?” I challenged him.

“Your heart belongs to me,” Emmet whispered. I tried to move away from him, but he held onto me tightly and kept me moving on the dance floor, away from our friends and family, away from Jerry.

“You can put on that supermodel smile and waltz around this damn floor pretending that your life is a fairytale, but it’s all a lie and you know it.”

“It’s not a lie,” I began to argue, but Emmet spoke over me.

“It is a lie. You forget that I can see you like no one else.” His gaze was intense. I felt like he had stripped away every layer I had and was peering at me
raw
, and that he was seeing me better than I was seeing myself.

But I felt the need to fight him every step of the way, because he had no right to treat me as he did that night and then to show up at my rehearsal dinner for a dance and a chat.

“I don’t know why you’re here. Where’s Casey? Isn’t that where you should be? With your ‘future’?”

“I know what you’re trying to do and it isn’t going to work. Casey isn’t my future.”

“But you said -”

“I know what I said, but that wasn’t about me. Casey was having a rough time and I said that for her benefit. The only person I saw in my future was you.”

I gave him a doubtful look. “You didn’t correct me that night. Your silence was a confirmation.”

“Casey is just a friend, Donya. I posted what I posted for her benefit and something that she was going through. It had nothing to do with me and her. I let you believe what you said was true, because aforementioned, I was being an asshole and I wanted it to hurt you. If you would stop trying to close yourself off to me, you would have known that without having to ask.”

“I’m not trying to close myself off,” I objected.

“Yes, you are. I can feel you trying to erect walls and push me out, but you can’t push me out, Donya. I am ingrained in you. I am woven into every cell of your body. You cannot eradicate me without losing yourself, too.”

I swallowed hard and looked away from him. Everyone else was dancing, laughing, smiling, and enjoying the evening, completely oblivious to the fact that I was suffering, smothering even. Unless I cried out for help, no one would come to my aid, but even if they did, it would make no difference. The only one that could redeem me was the very one making me feel helpless.

“I’m marrying Jerry tomorrow and that’s final,” I said weakly when I finally looked at him again.

Emmet stopped dancing so abruptly I almost tripped. He didn’t release me however. He boldly pulled me closer, too close for comfort with my future husband a mere few feet away.

“You may become his on paper tomorrow, but you will always be mine and I will always be yours. Think heavily on that before you make the biggest mistake of both of our lives.”

He kissed my cheek, close to my mouth, tenderly, letting his lips linger too long. Then his breath was warming my ear.

“I love you,” he whispered softly.

Then he was gone. He was walking back across the dance floor towards the exit and he did not look back. I was left standing on the dance floor without a partner while people danced around me, feeling resistance in the cord as it stretched.

Chapter Forty-Seven

I stared at my reflection in the large floor mirror propped against the wall. My Vera Wang dress wasn’t custom made because we didn’t have time, but Vera herself helped me select it and tailored it to my body. My makeup was professionally done to a smooth finish by Ginny. My hair was styled by one of the top stylists in the world and topped off with a diamond encrusted tiara, chosen by Jerry, of course. Nothing less for his princess. I was beautiful. I looked like I just stepped out of a book of fairytales, but this wasn’t a fairytale. For the first time in my life I wondered if the princes in the fairytales just looked the part, but wasn’t what the damsel really needed.

I gradually became aware of Sam’s fingers touching and plucking and adjusting. I felt as if I was being groomed by a monkey and it was annoying me. She hadn’t stopped talking all day and I felt like my head was going to explode if I had to listen to her any longer. While she harassed Ginny and the hair stylist, I turned to Emmy and whispered in her ear.

“I really need some quiet time or I’m going to lose my fucking mind,” I said.

Emmy nodded her understanding and then walked across the room to the other three women. She told Sam that she really needed to go check on things outside and when Sam was gone she kindly told the other women they could go get ready. A moment later it was just Emmy and me.

“You look really stressed out,” Emmy said worriedly.

“Honestly, I just need a little bit of time alone,” I sighed, and then added for her benefit “I’ll be fine. I’m just tired and cranky.”

“Understandable,” she said and believed me instantly. Of course she did, because she would trust me to tell her if I was freaking out about marrying Jerry.

Emmy checked the time on her phone. “You still have over an hour left. Take some time and relax. I’ll be back in a little while.”

“Thank you,” I said sincerely and hugged her.

“Cheer up,” she smiled after we released each other. “You’re getting married to your prince today.”

Princess Diana married her prince, too, and look how that turned out
, I thought, but I didn’t say that to Emmy. I gave her a small smile and watched her walk out of the room.

I picked up my phone and checked it for messages, voice mail – for anything from Emmet. I was disappointed when there was nothing, as there had been all day. I don’t know how speaking to him could have helped at all in this situation, but I couldn’t help but to hope for it.

I walked over to the window and looked outside. There were heated tents set up on the lawn – one for the ceremony and another for the reception. Even though we were in the warmer climate of Louisiana, the winter months had the potential to get pretty cool as it did this day. Many guests had already begun to arrive and were milling around in the yard talking. Just looking at the place where I was going to get married was making me anxious. I turned away from the window but the room was beginning to feel too small. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I needed to get out, even if for only a few minutes, out into the fresh air, alone.

I picked up the hem of my dress and slowly pulled the door open. I could hear voices in the house, but they were all downstairs and at the back of the house. As quietly as I could manage in my whispering dress and high heels, I hurried to the stairs that led to the front of the house. I managed to make it down without killing myself but almost immediately ran into a body.

“What are you -” Felix started to ask, but I put my fingers over his lips and shook my head adamantly. He and Ginny had arrived in the wee hours of the morning before any of the media could show up at the end of the driveway.

“I need to get out of here,” I mouthed carefully so that he could understand me.

His eyes widened. He took my fingers off of his mouth and held my hand.

“You’re running?” he mouthed back.

“No,” I said, shaking my head and then whispered “I just need a break. I’ll be back.”

He gave me a look that I could only describe as sympathetic. He laced his fingers with mine and led me outside. He made me wait as he fetched the limo that Jerry had hired to take us away after the reception. I wondered why it was there so early, but then I was thankful for the car and its dark windows. Fortunately, there wasn’t anyone out front. All of the parking and the activity was at the back and east side of the house. Way down the road the media waited for a glimpse of some celebrity, but they wouldn’t know who was in the back of the car.

“Are you going to be okay?” Felix asked as he helped me get into the car.

“Yes, I promise,” I said. “I just need some air.”

“Okay,” he said and leaned in and kissed me on my forehead. “Be careful and call me if you need me.”

I nodded and thanked him. He closed the door and the car began to move.

“Is there somewhere specific you would like to go ma’am, or would you like me to just drive?” the driver asked.

“I’ll direct you where to go,” I said. “Thank you.”

I gave the driver directions and a few minutes later we were turning off of the main road towards the fishing pond. Even before I saw Emmet’s car parked there, I felt the cord retracting. When I set out, I honestly didn’t expect to see him, but now that he was probably just as aware of me as I was of him, I decided not to turn away. I had hoped to hear from him all day and now I had the opportunity to see him one last time before I changed our lives forever.

“I’m going to get out and go for a walk,” I said to the driver, throwing open the door.

“Ma’am?” The driver looked back at me worriedly.

“I’ll be fine.”

I got out and closed the door before he could make anymore objections. I held the hem of my dress and started the short walk through the woods to the pond. As I rounded a curve in the path, I caught site of Emmet, standing by the water and looking in my direction expectantly. The image of him took my breath away. He was dressed casually in a button down shirt open several buttons at the top and a pair of jeans. The sunlight gleamed off of the water and filtered through the treetops, casting him in a soft glow.

“I used to fantasize about you walking towards me in a dress just like that,” Emmet said as I neared. “Except you look more stunning now than you ever could in my fantasies.”

He smiled sadly. It was hurting him to see me in my wedding dress and I wished I had changed before venturing out.

“You know, this is where you proposed to me,” I said.

“More specifically right there,” Emmet said, pointing to a piece of level, grassy land.

Visions of our love making that day lazily moved across my mind and I was struck by how long it had been since our bodies had last joined.

“There is so much I wanted with you, Donya,” Emmet said, pulling my thoughts back to present. “I didn’t care if we had a big wedding or a small wedding or got married in front of Elvis in Vegas. I just wanted to marry you, to claim you. It didn’t matter how.”

“Your mother may have had issue with Elvis,” I said with a genuine smile. Sam would have had an epic meltdown if she found out that we got married like that.

“She probably would,” Emmet agreed.

His smile was still sad, even though I was standing there in front of him and not back at the house preparing to walk down the aisle. With every passing second that I stood there with Emmet, I wanted less and less to go back to that house and marry Jerry. It wasn’t that I loved Jerry any less, but I didn’t love Emmet any less either. I had to wonder if when I decided to have the limo driver drive me to the pond, if I wasn’t just following my instincts. Maybe I knew Emmet was there all along, waiting for me. Maybe he knew I’d come all along.

Emmet stepped forward, but surprisingly he didn’t touch me. Now that he was standing closer to me, I could see that his eyes were moist with unspent tears. Something was wrong – I mean besides the fact that I was supposed to marry Jerry in less than an hour. There was something else very wrong. Emmet wasn’t just sad and hurt about my upcoming nuptials, Emmet was
frightened
.

“I’ve loved you my entire life,” he said bleakly before I could speak. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you. I am not one hundred percent the man I am capable of being without you,” he said with conviction. His last few words were shaky and his eyes were gathering more moisture.

Alarmed, I put my hand gently on his cheek. “Emmet,” I said, feeling his distress. “If you would have just asked the right question last year…” I stopped talking. He was already feeling miserable. I didn’t need to poke at the open wound.

“But I didn’t ask the right question,” he said, and carefully removed my hand. “I said all of the wrong things and that is how we are standing here today in our current predicaments.”

“So, ask me now,” I said anxiously.

I wrung the hand that had been on his cheek. It literally stung from his quiet rejection, but despite that, in a matter of seconds I had made a decision that would have enormous, harsh consequences.

“Ask me not to marry Jerry,” I whispered. “Ask me not to marry him, Emmet.”

Something twisted violently inside of him. It was in his face, in the way his hands fisted at his sides, and it was in that damn tether. My breath was wrenched from me in a loud gasp. He wasn’t going to ask me. He wasn’t going to ask me not to marry Jerry. Something near cataclysmic was about to occur between us and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“I can’t ask you not to marry Jerry,” Emmet said after a long, strained silence. He blinked and a couple of tears escaped his green eyes. I reached out to wipe the tears away and his eyes closed as my hand touched his skin.

“Just. Ask. Me.” I pleaded softly.

“Donya,” he whispered my name and shook his head. “I don’t want you to marry Jerry, and you don’t want to marry Jerry,” he added knowingly. “But I can’t
ask
you not to marry him right now. It would be selfish and hypocritical. You deserve better than that.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I cried, throwing my hands up in frustration. “All you have to do is
ask
and you can have everything you ever wanted to have with me. Emmet, just
ask me
. Be selfish if you have to, just
ask
!”

Emmet stared at me contemplatively for a moment. Then he put one hand on my waist and the other cupped my neck. He looked at me earnestly with his glistening eyes.

“You have to promise me that we will work this out together,” he said.

I looked at him in confusion and put my hand on the back of his hand on my neck.

“Work what out?” I asked.

“I have to figure a few things out,” he said more to himself than to me. His eyes began to grow hopeful. I should have felt reassured, but there was still something he was not telling me.