Ten Years On (26 page)

‘I want to be pregnant before I’m thirty-five,’ Peta reflects. ‘I don’t want to be an old mum at the school gates.’

‘Lots of women don’t have children until much later now though. I mean, look at the class today. I’m considered young at thirty-one. How old are you?’

‘Thirty-three and a half, so Joe had better hurry up!’ Her laughter stops as abruptly as a power cut when she asks, ‘He hasn’t said anything to you, has he?’

‘About what?’

‘Me? How he feels?’

‘No, nothing.’

‘Really? You’ve been spending a lot of time with him recently, haven’t you?’

‘Not much,’ I reply, trying not to be intimidated by the accusation in her tone.

‘Joe’s so
private
.’ She gazes out of the window. ‘It’s hard to know what the hell he’s thinking. Of all people, I thought he might have talked to you.’ She turns to me. ‘You seem close.’

‘We’re old friends, but he doesn’t talk to me about that stuff.’

‘It’s frustrating. Joe’s down here, I’m up in London. How are we ever going to have a serious relationship if I only get to see him the odd weekend? He won’t take any time off work, and when he does, he spends it with his dad. I don’t sense I’m anywhere near the top of his priority list. Oh, I just wish his father would kick the bucket …’

‘Peta!’

‘Well, he can barely remember his own name, Becca. It’s very hard for Joe.’

Shocked, I park outside Maison Joe, the engine still running. ‘Peta, that’s a terrible thing to say. It is hard for Joe, but he still loves his father.’

She shrugs. ‘I’d hate to be a burden on my family, I wouldn’t allow it.’

‘I’d better go,’ I say, when I notice a traffic warden coming towards the car. ‘Thanks for coming with me today.’

Peta makes no attempt to unbuckle her seat belt. ‘Have you two ever gone out?’

‘Gone out?’

‘Yes. Had a fling, relationship, call it whatever you like.’

The warden is getting even closer.

Peta carries on. ‘You must have found him attractive.
Do
you find him attractive?’

The traffic warden is way too close for comfort now. ‘Peta, go!’ I point to the man in uniform, now studying the car behind us, circling the Honda like a shark, tapping something into his machine.

‘You haven’t answered—’

‘Peta, you need to know where you stand, I get that, but I’m not the one you should be talking to. If Joe isn’t committed—’

She turns to me, fire in her eyes. ‘He
has
said something to you, hasn’t he?’

‘No! He hasn’t said a word. Not one. Now GO.’

I feel nothing but relief when she gets out of my car and I drive away from an imminent parking fine.

Now I understand exactly why she sacrificed her Saturday to be with me. She wanted to quiz me.

Why can’t Joe see through her?

40

I open my wardrobe, wondering what to wear tonight. Options are limited when you’re eight and a half months pregnant. All I feel like putting on is my baggy tracksuit and furry slippers. I’m going out for supper with Annie and Pippa this evening, at Maison Joe.

Pippa looks stunning in a slim-fitting black polo-neck dress, her long blonde hair scooped into a simple ponytail. Annie’s frizzy hair is restrained by a clip, and she’s wearing pink suede heels that came from a charity shop, she shows off. I laugh, telling them my navy dress looks more like a tent, and look at my squishy shoes. They’re flat and roomy, just the kind of shoes you’d wear if you were suffering from chronic bunions. Annie laughs too, telling me I’m exaggerating, but when she glances at them again she says, ‘Maybe.’

Joe shows us to our table, says he hopes to join us later, when it’s less busy.

Pippa can’t help staring at him. ‘You didn’t tell me how handsome he was.’

‘He’s the most sought-after bachelor in town,’ Annie fills her in. ‘Peta, that’s his girlfriend, is one lucky girl.’

After Luis has taken our order, Pippa is incredulous that she hasn’t visited Maison Joe before. ‘I’ve walked past, but the thing is, I hardly ever go out during the week. I’m pretty antisocial these days.’

‘Me too,’ agrees Annie. ‘This is a serious treat. I just thought we should have a last supper with Becca before the baby arrives.’

They both ask me how I am. I recall my sleepless nights. ‘Just as I’m about to nod off, pillows all in the right place, I get …’

‘Leg cramp?’ Pippa guesses. ‘And you have to heave yourself out of bed …’

‘Pillows flying everywhere?’ Annie finishes.

‘Exactly.’ I realize I am talking to a couple of experts.

‘Not long to go now,’ Annie says.

‘The twins are excited,’ Pippa tells her. ‘Honestly, it’s all they can talk about.’

‘How about you, Becca? How do you feel?’ Annie asks.

‘Do you want the honest answer?’

‘Sock it to me.’ Annie leans back in her chair as if ready for the punch.

‘Like a beginner skier at the top of a black run.’

‘You’re not alone.’ Pippa touches my hand. ‘You’re bound to have a few falls, but you’ll be fine.’

Over supper I tell them about the antenatal classes. They were useful, on the whole. Weeks two and three were for women only, and I became good friends with Keisha. ‘I now have a first-class knowledge of both male and female genitalia,’ I boast to my sister and Annie. ‘Test me. I can tell you all about them and lots more besides.’

Annie pulls a face. ‘No, thanks. I didn’t bother going to classes for my second, so I’ve forgotten it all now. D’you think you’ll have any more children, Pippa?’

‘No,’ comes the answer at lightning speed.

‘Anyone who tells you giving birth isn’t painful is talking bullshit,’ Annie continues. ‘Sorry, Becca, I ain’t gonna pretend.’

I tell them I’m under no false illusions. We watched a birthing video (hell). I tell them how Keisha was the first in the group to give birth. Little Freya came into this world at a healthy seven pounds and two ounces. ‘When Keisha came into our final class to tell us about
the birth, we had to know exactly how it had happened and how painful it was on a scale of one to ten. She said TEN!’ I break out into nervous laughter.

‘Don’t be brave. Have the drugs – take whatever they offer you,’ Pippa advises, explaining she’d wanted to go without, but bugger that. I remember being on holiday when the twins were born. I’d called home to find out the news. Mum had said the births had been difficult, but it hadn’t meant much to me at the time, or to Olly. I realize now how much we both missed out on our families. Olly didn’t see his parents, nor his brother and nephews, nearly enough either.

‘Do you know what you’re going to do after the baby is born?’ Annie asks. ‘Have you thought about staying down here?’

When I tell her I want to return to London she pulls a sad face. I’m going to look for a flat to rent. I’ve worked out my finances, and Olly’s parents, Victor and Carolyn, are helping. ‘Mum’s worried about you being on your own,’ confesses Pippa, when I tell her I’ve been in touch with estate agents.

Deep down I am nervous that the longer I stay at home, the harder it will be to leave. I’ll miss everyone. Mum, Dad, Pippa, Oscar and Theo, Annie, Janet … ‘Oh, and I’ll miss Joe,’ I say, when he approaches us.

‘What’s that?’ he asks, when I know he heard loud and clear.

He pulls up a chair and I introduce him to Pippa.

‘Joe, help me persuade Becca to stay in Winchester,’ Annie urges.

‘Stay. London’s filthy and there are no decent wine bars.’

I laugh before changing the subject by telling Joe about Michel. He hadn’t proposed to Janet. She’d found the idea funny. ‘I’m in the departure lounge, Rebecca!’ Michel had given her a silver bracelet, with her initials engraved on the inside.

‘How’s Peta?’ Annie asks.

His smile fades.

‘What?’ she pushes. ‘Are things not great?’

I fold my napkin in half.

‘Joe!’ Edoardo calls.

‘Excuse me. I’m needed at the bar,’ he says.

41

The following afternoon Mum sends me into town to run a couple of errands. Winchester High Street is adorned with Christmas decorations. According to Mum’s list, I need to buy a tin of dog food, a pint of double cream, petits pois, some Christmas wrapping paper and a jar of mincemeat. I see a number of my parents’ friends in the supermarket, but this time I don’t hide in the frozen foods section. ‘It must be any moment now!’ Mum’s tennis friend Marjorie says, before wishing me, ‘
Bonne chance
, my dear! And keep warm!’

‘Just ten more days to go before I meet you,’ I say to my boy as we leave Sainsbury’s, ‘providing you behave and stick to the programme.’ I smile, thinking that’s what Olly might have said.
Olly?
Deep down I know he’s gone.
I miss you talking to me. I think about you all the time.

I walk on. ‘But we’ll be fine, won’t we?’ I say quietly
to my boy. ‘It might not be perfect, but it’s going to be an adventure, and we’ll have each other.’

On my way home, I walk past the Buttercross. My friends Jim and Noodle have gone. I don’t expect I shall see them again. I wonder where they are now, and if Jim is delivering a message to somebody else like me?

I walk through The Square, decorated with fairy lights, and decide to walk home via the Cathedral Close to watch the ice skating.

As I approach Maison Joe, I stop, glance through the window and see Joe sitting alone at the bar.

‘Joe,’ I say, walking inside.

He mouths, ‘Not now,’ at me. ‘What?’

‘Go,’ he urges.

I hear someone coming upstairs. Finally I understand and retreat towards the door.

‘Oh, look who it is!’ Peta says, scorn in her voice.

As she approaches me, I take a few steps back.

‘So, you’ve heard the news?’ she asks.

‘News? What news?’

‘You were about to ask Joe how it went, were you?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Comfort Joe in his time of need?’ Peta continues.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Peta, enough. I think you should leave,’ Joe says in that quiet but forceful tone.

‘Why? This is getting interesting. You finish with me, and then
voila
! Here’s Becca. She’s always here Joe, getting in the way.’

‘Peta, I’m sorry. I was just passing … I had some shopping to do.’ I gesture to my bags. ‘I had no idea.’

She turns on him. ‘Did you ask her to come here?’

‘Come on.’ Joe hands Peta her coat. ‘You’re upset. I think you should go now.’

‘What’s going on between you two?’

‘Nothing!’ I exclaim. ‘Nothing at all.’

‘Us breaking up has nothing to do with Becca,’ Joe reinforces what I’ve said. ‘This is between you and me alone.’

‘I used to think he felt sorry for you, because you lost whatshisname,’ she says. ‘But now …’

Joe catches hold of her arm and steers her towards the door. ‘How dare you talk to Becca so insensitively. Go. I’ve had enough!’

She wrestles herself free. ‘Don’t worry!’ she screeches. ‘I’m going.’ But before she leaves, she turns to me and says, ‘No one has ever dumped me before. I have
never
been treated like this, and it’s all because of you!’

42

Returning home, I can’t concentrate on painting, and for once I don’t feel like eating. Mum is out. I find Dad in his hut, writing at his desk. I collapse on to the sofa, next to his shelf of porcelain.

His mouth twitches from one side to another. ‘I’m fed up with our broadband service so I’m writing one of my stinky letters.’

I sit steaming in the corner. There were so many things I should have said to Peta. How dare she accuse me of having an affair! And then she couldn’t even remember Olly’s name.

He seals the envelope and turns to me. ‘What are you up to?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing always means something. Rebecca? What’s wrong?’

I decide to tell him the whole story.

He looks aggrieved.

‘Who is this nasty girl? I’m coming after her.’

The determined expression on my father’s face makes me smile. ‘It was like a scene on
Dynasty
,’ I confess.

After Peta’s outburst I’d left immediately. I had to get home.
Whatshisname?
I needed to be alone.

‘If Joe wasn’t already sure he was doing the right thing ending this relationship, he must be now,’ says Dad.

Early that evening I leave another message for Kitty, saying it’s urgent, but adding, ‘Don’t worry, I’m not in labour.’

Later that night, lying in the bath, I’m replaying the conversation with Peta. I know I had nothing to do with the break-up, so why do I feel like the villain?

With a towel wrapped round me, I look at my watch. It’s seven o’clock. ‘“She’s always getting in the way,”’ I mimic. ‘Pah! Oh, Olly, you should have seen her.’ I reach for my soft stretchy pyjamas underneath my pillow and slide my fat feet into furry slippers, sighing with relief. ‘My clubbing days are well and truly over,’ I tell him. ‘From now on it’s pyjamas and slippers all the way to the birthing pool.’

As I make my way downstairs I wonder if there’s anything decent to watch on television. Mum and Dad are out for supper and bridge tonight. Mum suggested I decorate the Christmas tree Dad bought from the garden centre today. In hope, she’s left the baubles and tinsel out. Halfway through my journey downstairs my mobile rings. I waddle back to my bedroom.

‘It’s me,’ Kitty says. ‘Sorry I missed your ten-thousandth call. What’s up?’

I tell her, without drawing breath.

‘Slow down.’

I breathe.

‘Perhaps you and Joe have been seeing one another a bit too much?’ Kitty dares to suggest, before making sure to say she’s not defending Peta in any way.

‘But how can she think I’m the reason it went wrong? We’re just friends.’

‘You know that, I know that, but she’s insecure. She needed someone to blame, she found you.’

‘I hope Joe’s OK. Maybe I should call him?’

‘No. All you need to do is relax, stop stressing.’

I take a deep breath. ‘God, this baby needs to come out soon.’

‘Stick a DVD on and eat something hot and spicy.
Forget about Peta and try to get a decent night’s sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’