Tempus (49 page)

“It is?”  I was surprised.  How could I have gone sixty-two days before and not told him?

“
Yes
.”  His expression looked wounded.

“Is that a bad thing?”  My heart suddenly hurt.  Why didn’t he look happy?

“You’ve just done the impossible.”  He pulled me back close, tight.

“What?  What did I do?”

“Made the most difficult thing in the world even more difficult.”  He whispered.

It was my turn to lean back, to look at him.  He wouldn’t meet my eyes at first, kept them looking down and off to the side.  I had to take his face in my hands and
will
him to look at me.  I was shocked by what I saw in them, sadness,
and fear
.

I could barely take in enough air to ask.  “What are you so afraid of?”

His eyes closed and I willed him to open them again, to look me in the eye as he answered.  “I’m afraid of losing you.”

“But—but, you said time would go back, and that you would find me again.  How could you lose me if you can find me?  I won’t—
I can’t
—forget you.  You’re part of me,
I feel you
.”

“You feel me
now
,
here.
  That will change.”

“No, it won’t change.  I remember things.  I remember things from before.  I’ll remember again.”  I insisted.

“Jessie, it was only days.  It was only
days
, and they were repeating.  Of course you remember something.  You already saw me, it’s never gone beyond that, not once.  It won’t be the same with years between.”

Did he say years? 
Years
?  “Did you say years?”  I had to have heard wrong.  I
prayed
I heard wrong.  He wouldn’t look at me again, so I shook him.  “Answer me, Gabriel!”

His eyes opened.  They were watery.  I wasn’t sure if it was tears, or had been caused by him squeezing his eyes closed so tight.  His shoulders shook just a little, and fear raced up my spine.

I felt dizzy.  “Gabriel, please tell me. 
Please
.”

He let air out through his nose.  He had been holding his breath, and I felt his shoulders sag with the release.  It reminded me of the old cliché about sails losing their wind.  He felt limp.

He said one word.  “
Yes
.”

“How many?”  I tried to stay calm.  I had been prepared to lose a few months, maybe, but not
years
.  My mind reeled.

“I honestly don’t know.  I have an idea, but it’s only an idea, only a guess.”  His eyes told me he was being honest.  His father didn’t want him to know. 
This
was why.

“How long?  How long do we have—
before
?”  My temples were starting to throb.

“Not long.”

I wanted to cry, but there were no tears.  “Can you stay with me?  Can you stay until it happens?”

“It’s why I’m here.  I’m here for you.”
It’s why I’m here.  I’m here for you.

“I’m afraid, Gabriel.”

“So am I.”

I released him and crawled up in my bed.  When I was stressed or anxious, I always grabbed a pillow, held on to it and squeezed.  “Come be my pillow.”  I said.

He seemed to understand.  He crawled up beside me and I wrapped my arms around him, let him enfold me in his.  I placed my head on his chest, listening to the fast rhythm of his heart.  It began to slow beneath my ear, became steadier.  I could feel my own finding the same rhythm as our breathing fell into sync.

I wondered if this was how inmates on death row felt on the day of execution.  You knew it was coming, were helpless to stop it, all you could do was wait for the inevitable.  I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t find words.  Words seemed meaningless, and they would change nothing.

“I love you, Gabriel.”

“I love you too, Jessie.”

“I
won’t
forget you.  I don’t care how many days, or years, or decades, or beyond.”  I leaned back, pulled him to kiss me.

It wasn’t a goodbye kiss.  It was an ‘I’ll always love you’ kiss.  Souls intertwined.  I was afraid, but I believed with all my heart that we would find each other.  I had to believe that, or nothing in the world would mean anything.  There would be no purpose to life.  I loved him, and he loved me.  There
had
to be fate.

“If today were all I’m to ever have, it’s more than I deserve,” he whispered.  “More than I should have had.” 

This moment of joy was worth all the moments of sadness that would surely come.  I would remember him this time.  This one moment is what I would hold on to—in my memory, in my dreams, in my heart.

“Succumb tempor adiuvat.”  He said quietly, almost to himself. 

“What does that mean?”

“Who yields to time finds time on his side—loosely translated.”

“You’ll come back?”  I asked.

“Pro te, milies aeterno.”  He placed my hand on his heart.

“And that means?”

“For you, a thousand times eternity.”

I believed. 

I could feel a shift in the air, could hear the faintest crackling sound.  I thought of my dad at the store, of Steve, of Julie and Auntie.  They would all be here; they would
still
be here, no matter when it started over.  Maybe I had somehow learned something, something that would make life better for us all.  Probably not, but I could
hope
.  I would pretend it was an adventure, a
do-over
.  I would be a better me somehow, until Gabriel found me again.

I felt his arms tighten.  “I love you. 
Please don’t forget me this time
.  I’ll be there somewhere, in your heart.”

I felt those ribbons reach out and inside again and I did the same.  Arms, bodies, souls—everything possible within us we wrapped around each other and held on as tight as possible.

“I love you too, Gabriel.  I
won’t
forget.  You’ll see.”

His lips met mine one last time, and then I heard the snap.

There is no fence or hedge ‘round time that has gone. 

You can go back and have what you like—if you remember it well enough.

—Richard Llewellyn

One week left of summer.  One week until my last year of school.

It had been a good summer.  Julie came home early from Houston and we had spent the last week running all over everywhere, just being kids before we had to buckle down for the school year.  I had stayed at her house last night, and we’d had a great time. 

After Steve freaked me out asking for a date last week, I’d decided to play matchmaker.  I tried to convince Julie she should consider going out with Steve.  He was such a sweet guy, not like some of the morons she had dated.  He might not be my type, but he
was
hers, and besides that, he was
gorgeous
.  I would have to work on Steve a little more, convince him to ask
her
out.  They obviously liked each other, so I couldn’t figure out what the hold-up was.  Oh well, whatever was meant to be would happen, eventually.

I parked the Toyota in the driveway and unlocked the back door.  I was so glad I’d be driving myself to school this year instead of having to ride with Julie.  I couldn’t believe my dad had convinced Steve to sell it to him.  I’d had it since my birthday, but I still looked out my window at night sometimes to make sure it was
really
there.

It was Monday, and the house was empty.  I carried my stuff upstairs to put away, then took a quick bath.  I glanced at myself in the mirror as I got out and dried off.  I still
loved
my new hair.  Julie had convinced me to get a makeover last week, and I was happy with the results. 

We’d also gone shopping, so my chiffarobe was full of new clothes.  Even so, I pulled out one of my older shirts, a little white eyelet blouse, and a pair of faded cutoffs.  I felt like feeling comfy today.

I heard a car pull into the driveway below so I peeked out my window.  I saw the little silver Malibu and figured I had better pick up the pace.  I should have been home earlier, but Julie and I had lost track of time and I’d had to rush.

I grabbed my phone and purse and took off down the stairs.  I was in such a hurry I almost forgot to lock the door behind me.  I had no idea what was up, but it sure seemed important.  At least to
some
people.

I opened the car door, plopped down in the seat and buckled in.  “So what is this big important
thing
, Mom?”

Mom looked at me with those huge, innocent brown eyes.  “Just
something
.”  She laughed as we backed out.  “You’ll have to be patient.”

“
Mom
!”  I said in a whiny voice, stomping my feet in mock irritation.

“Let’s just say I met
someone
on one of my
travels
.  He owns
something
that I want you to have.  We have to go to his house to pick it up, though.  Besides, you’ll love the house.  Trust me.”

Sometimes she could be so cryptic.  I guess that comes with keeping secrets, that habit of never quite saying exactly what you’re saying.  I did it too, but only when Mom and I were around other people.  Even then, if you did it too much it became obvious to others.  It was a fine line, and better just to not talk about stuff at all in front of others, unless absolutely necessary.

“It’s just the two of us, we can talk you know.”  I muttered.

“I know, but this is supposed to be a surprise, don’t you get it?  I’m not telling you anything because it’s supposed to be a
surprise
.  Don’t ruin it for me.”  She poked out her bottom lip.

“You are so goofy.”  I shook my head at her.

“It’s why everybody loves me.”  She grinned.

That was true.  Everybody
did
love Mom.  She had a magnetic personality.  What they didn’t know is that it really was—
magnetic
, that is.  I laughed.

“What?”  She asked.

“Nothing.  Just thinking about your ‘magnetic personality.’  Doesn’t seem fair since you sell people things.”

“It helps the business.”

“You don’t think of it as cheating?”  I asked.

“Not at all.  People have free will.  I just ‘suggest,’ they still get to choose.” 
Free will
.

We drove out of town a ways and she started slowing at the entrance to a driveway.  I recognized the place.  Farther up the road, if you looked back, you could just see the mansard roof peeking over the trees.

Mom had always been curious about this house, so it made me wonder what in the world she would be buying from here.  Normally she was the level-headed one, but if she was going to get in that house, she might buy
anything
.

The driveway wound like a giant snake through tall, stately trees.  I looked all around the property and got the strangest feeling of déjà vu.  “I think there is a gazebo over there somewhere.”  I said, pointing.

Sure enough, it game into view as we got closer to the house.  I could vaguely picture the inside of it.  I looked around at the gazebo, the front of the house, the trees.  It felt like watching through giant heat waves.

“I feel weird.”  I said.

“Weird how, honey?”

“I don’t know.  Like I’ve been here before.  It’s not like glimpses though; I don’t ‘see’ anything.”  I explained.

“You never checked it out in the past?  I did,
once
.”  She put the car in park.

“No, I never have.  I don’t come here, it’s just too
weird
.  It’s easier when it’s not people you know, or their families.”

“I just made sure I went far enough back.”  She smiled mischievously.

“Whatever works for
you
.  I don’t want to do it.”

A man appeared at the door.  He looked about Mom and Dad’s age, but more ‘distinguished.’  He just had that certain
look
.  He smiled a friendly smile and waved.

“Open your door quick if you don’t want it opened for you.  He’s the old-fashioned type, I think.”  Mom grinned and opened her door.

I opened mine, too, and got out before he could make it down the stairs.  He continued forward anyway and met us at the bottom of the stairway.  His eyes met mine, and there was something so familiar about them.  They were
so
blue
, a beautiful mixture of darks and lights.  I imagined he was quite a handsome young man back in the day.  He was handsome
now
, for an older man.  And he was one of us.

“Jessie, this is Mr. Knight.  Mr. Knight, my daughter, Jessie.”

He held out his hand for me, and I placed mine in it.  “Hello, Jessie.  So good to
see
you.”  He kissed the back of my hand politely.

“Nice to
meet
you, Mr. Knight.” 
Thomas
.  It sounded like the last echo in a series of echoes.  I held still until he released my hand.