Tempting Fate (12 page)

Gabby and Elliott circle each other all week, as polite as strangers. Each time Gabby makes an overture, suggesting dinner, a walk, some time to talk, Elliott politely declines. He has made no move to leave the guest room, and Gabby is shrouded in sadness at the knowledge that there will be no good ending to this, and that it is entirely her fault.

She makes dinner and they sit at the table with the girls, Elliott pretending to be his normal self, making jokes and asking them about their day, while Gabby sits quietly opposite him, attempting to join in, feeling him drifting further and further away from her.

When Alanna came home yesterday she didn’t run straight to her room. Instead she came to the kitchen and sat down with her mother at the table.

‘I’m worried about you, Mom,’ she said, her small brow furrowed with anxiety. ‘And I’m worried about Dad. Something’s going on and I’m scared you’re going to get divorced.’

Gabby gasped. ‘What?’ she said, immediately welling up. ‘Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. We’re not getting divorced, we’re just …’ She had no idea what to say. ‘Sometimes
grown-ups go through some hard times. It’s nothing for you to worry about, and Dad and I will figure it out.’

‘So you’re not going to get divorced? Promise me you won’t get divorced.’

Gabby winced at the prospect, but knew she couldn’t lie any more. She didn’t know herself what would happen. How could she make a promise to her daughter knowing it wasn’t up to her to fulfil it?

‘I promise you this,’ she said. ‘I love your father more than any other man in the world and I do not want a divorce. I know it seems like the end of the world when your parents are having a rough time, but I do not want a divorce. We will figure this out.’

It was as close to the truth as she was able to get, and seemed to placate Alanna. For now.

Before she sits down at the dinner table these days Gabby makes mental lists of what to talk about, stories she can tell about her day, newspaper articles she can share to ensure they are not sitting in an awkward silence.

She studies Elliott across the table, astonished at how fragile her marriage is, at how quickly and easily their relationship can unravel. Of course this is her fault; she knows this is her fault. But it was one mistake, and now she will do anything, will fight with all that she has, to save her marriage.

Why doesn’t Elliott feel the same way?

He has to. He must. It will just take him a little longer.
In the meantime Gabby will be the perfect wife, will cook him all the foods he loves, will tend to his every need, will show him that he cannot find better, that he must not leave.

On Thursday morning, she gets a text from Claire.

So excited for tonight – the four of us

haven’t been out for ages! I booked at

Finalmente at 7.30. OK?

She had forgotten. It is Tim’s birthday, therefore dinner with Claire and Tim. Oh God. The prospect of even leaving her house right now is terrifying, let alone seeing other people. But Claire and Tim don’t really count as other people. They are almost family. Perhaps seeing them will be a good thing, will remind Elliott of the life they have built, the friends they have; perhaps it will give him a dose of reality.

Sounds great. See you later. G xx

‘I don’t think we should be seeing them,’ Elliott says as they pull out of the driveway. ‘We should have cancelled.’

‘We can’t cancel. It’s Tim’s birthday. We have to go.’

‘I’m not ready for this. How do we tell other people what’s happened?’

‘Elliott! We don’t tell other people what’s happened. No one needs to know anything. We’re just going to have a nice evening with our closest friends.’

‘You don’t think you need to let our closest friends
know you’re pregnant – with another man’s baby?’ He mutters the last part of the sentence, disgust in his eyes.

‘I don’t think we need to tell them anything. Maybe they’ll just think I’ve put on weight during the holidays.’

Elliott rolls his eyes.

‘Elliott, please. Can you at least pretend? Can you at least be civil to me tonight? I’m not asking you to profess undying love, but can you at least try to look at me with something other than disdain?’

Elliott says nothing.

‘Elliott?’

‘I’ll try.’

‘Look at me!’ Claire proudly steps back from their hug, showing off her growing bump. ‘I’m in my first maternity trousers! Can you believe the size of me? I swear this is because I’m so old.’

‘You look amazing,’ Gabby says, wishing she could tell Claire that she too is pregnant, and feeling odd, and awkward, that she has to withhold such huge news. This pregnancy is so different from her previous pregnancies, when she was filled with excitement and joy.

All she feels with this one, from the moment she wakes up until the moment she manages to gain some respite with a few hours’ sleep, is dread. This isn’t even a child she wants; in some sick way she harbours a small hope that something will happen to end this pregnancy, to enable her to put this all behind her so that she can
carry on with her life, with Elliott, finally removing all evidence of her transgression.

But her scan, carried out this morning, was fine. She went to the doctor’s office alone, wiping a tear from her eye as she remembered going to another doctor for a scan that produced the first picture of Olivia. Elliott had been with her, perched on a stool at her head as the sonographer moved the slick gel around her belly, and they had both gasped at the sight of what was already so clearly a baby, her thumb at her mouth. He had been there for Alanna’s sonogram too, but there was no question of him being there for this one.

She lay there silently, alone, while the sonographer moved that familiar wand. And as she thought about how much she had wanted one more baby she heard the words of her mother echo through her head: ‘Be careful what you wish for.’

She could never have imagined that this is how her wish would be fulfilled.

Looking at the screen she didn’t react as she saw the baby growing in her stomach. She watched passively as the sonographer measured the nuchal fold, the limbs, and checked to see everything was growing normally.

Gabby wasn’t overwhelmed in the way she had been when Olivia and Alanna had been scanned. She felt … detached. In much the same way she feels with Elliott.
Detached
. As if this is all happening to someone else. That it is someone else’s baby on that screen. The
marriage break-up is happening to someone else. Not me. It couldn’t possibly be happening to me.

Her need to share the news of her pregnancy with Claire is not to share each other’s joy, even supposing Gabby will ever feel any, but to prove to herself that the bond of their friendship is as strong as she needs it to be. But Gabby is scared. What will Claire do when she finds out? How will she react? Claire will know immediately that Elliott cannot be the father because she knows about his vasectomy. Why didn’t Gabby withhold that information? So now, even if she and Elliott can work through this and stay intact, Claire will know the secret truth, the truth that Gabby had an affair. Will she stand by Gabby?

She will have to. Surely. That’s what best friends do.

‘How do you feel?’ She focuses her attention back on Claire, aware that Elliott and Tim are busy talking, which means that there may be a semblance of normality tonight if only because Elliott and Tim are always perfectly happy to talk, just the two of them, for hours.

‘I feel exhausted. Terrible. I could sleep all day and all night. Honestly? I have no idea what I’m doing having a baby at my age. Tim was saying just the other night that we should be planning a retirement home, never mind saving for yet another one’s college. I swear to God, we just cancelled our vacation.’

Tim breaks off his conversation with Elliott to correct her. ‘We didn’t cancel. We just … rearranged.’

‘Yup. We were all going to Cancun, and now we’re
driving up to Grafton to stay at a friend’s house for a couple of days. Big difference.’

‘At least you’re going away,’ says Gabby. ‘We haven’t had a vacation for years. Remember when we went away by ourselves?’ She looks at Elliott, reminding him of the good times, the happier times. ‘To Antigua?’ She turns back to Claire and Tim. ‘We went to Galley Bay in Antigua and it was amazing. A second honeymoon. Apart from when we got stuck on the yacht. Remember that?’ She’s smiling as she looks at Elliott, who shrugs.

‘Vaguely,’ he says, before turning to Tim. ‘Are you going to coach softball again this year? I was thinking about doing it but I figured I’d check with you first.’

Gabby looks up to find Claire frowning at her.

‘I have to go to the bathroom,’ Claire says. ‘Gabby, come with me.’

In the bathroom she turns to Gabby as soon as the door is closed. ‘What the hell’s going on with you two? Have you had a fight?’

And Gabby bursts into tears.

She cannot stop for a long time. Her body is heaving with sobs as a shocked Claire tries to comfort her. Eventually Gabby manages to calm down, the odd shudder running through her body every few seconds.

‘Gabby, what is it?’ Claire asks softly, awkwardly crouching next to her. ‘What’s happened?’

‘I think Elliott is leaving me,’ Gabby says, staring at the floor.

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Claire says. ‘Elliott would never leave you. You two are the strongest couple we know. Why would you say such a thing?’

Gabby looks up then, into Claire’s eyes, and it is with an expression of such pleading despair that Claire feels a cold clutch of fear.

‘It was the guy, wasn’t it?’

Gabby nods.

‘You had an affair and Elliott found out.’

‘It wasn’t an affair. It was one night. Not even. One incident. And Elliott can’t forgive me. He won’t ever be able to forgive me.’

Claire sighs. ‘Look, it’s terrible. We all know it’s terrible, but you’re human, Gabby. I don’t condone it, but I understand that we all make mistakes, and no one understands that better than Elliott. He’s the most compassionate man I know. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I truly believe that you’ll be able to work through this together. Have you talked about seeing a couple counsellor? Couple therapy can completely transform a relationship, and you already know I have someone amazing. Gabby, this doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage.’ Claire takes her hand. ‘It’s going to be okay.’

‘It’s not,’ Gabby says, looking up at Claire again as she takes a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant. And you know as well as I do that the baby can’t be Elliott’s.’

Claire’s mouth drops open. There is confusion in her eyes, then horror as the words sink in and she remembers
Gabby telling her about the vasectomy. She actually reaches out for the sink to steady herself, her face a whiter shade of pale.

‘Gabby, you …’ She is shocked to the core, and as her eyes flick to Gabby’s stomach, registering the weight gain, the small bump, her voice is no more than a whisper. ‘Gabby, you can’t have it. You need to end this pregnancy.’

Gabby, feeling an unexpected surge of anger at her friend, shakes her head. Who does Claire, pregnant herself, think she is telling Gabby to have an abortion?

‘I know,’ says Gabby coldly. ‘But I don’t think I can.’

‘I … Oh God. I don’t know what to say.’

‘I’m not sure there
is
anything to say.’ Gabby’s hands reflexively go to her stomach, protecting the baby she wanted so badly, but not like this. ‘It’s the one thing I wanted so desperately. And it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.’

Claire regains enough composure to reach out to Gabby and put her arms round her, but neither of them is comforted; neither of them is able to fool the other.

They leave the room a couple of minutes later, Gabby imploring Claire to act normally, to make it seem as though she doesn’t know, but Claire, always a terrible liar, is still in shock, and truly doesn’t know how to pretend everything’s normal.

‘You know,’ she says, after the waiter has brought them their drinks, ‘I know this is terrible, and I was so
looking forward to this evening, but I’m feeling really nauseous. I think I may have to go home.’

‘It’s fine,’ Elliott is quick to say. ‘Of course.’

Claire hugs Gabby, whispering in her ear, ‘I’m sorry. I love you. Let’s speak tomorrow.’

And then they are gone, leaving Elliott to pick up the bill for drinks.

As they walk out of the restaurant, Gabby is embarrassed, but also grateful because she is sure it would have been impossible for Claire to keep up an act all evening once she knew the truth.

‘You told her,’ Elliott says as they get in the car.

Gabby is silent.

‘Gabby –’ Her name sounds strange coming from his lips and since her betrayal he is reluctant to say it, even to taste the shape of her name. ‘I can’t do this any more.’

Gabby’s heart leaps into her mouth. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean I can’t be with you. I wanted to try, but I can’t. Every time I look at you, every time I hear your name, I just think of you with another man, and his child growing inside you, and I can’t stand it.’

‘Elliott,’ Gabby forces her voice to be calm, ‘I know how hard this is right now, but I think we should go and see a couple therapist. I know of someone who’s meant to be fan–’

‘No.’ He stops her. ‘I’m not going to see a couple
therapist. It won’t help. It won’t change what you did, nor how I feel about it. Gabby, I love you. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do, and no amount of talking about it will make a difference to that. I’m sorry. I’m moving out.’

‘Elliott?’ Gabby’s voice is shaking. ‘If I ended this pregnancy would you still leave me?’

Elliott stares at her. ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘Yes, I would. I would still leave.’

Elliott stands in Claire’s kitchen, a kitchen that is starting to feel like home, as Olivia rails at him. The baby Gabby is carrying has nothing to do with Elliott, so he decided not to mention it to the girls, but, evidently, Gabby has now shared at least part of her news, and Olivia has not taken it well.

‘How can you leave?’ she hisses, having just been dropped off here by her mother. ‘What kind of a father are you that you can leave Mom when she’s having a baby? I’m just … disgusted. I can’t believe you’re doing this. I can’t believe you’re leaving her now.’

‘Olivia,’ he says calmly, ‘there are things you know nothing about. You may think you know the whole story but you don’t. I’m sorry, I truly am, that this has happened, and if there was any other way, if there was any way for me to make this work, don’t you think that’s what I would be doing? Do you think I want to leave my family? Do you really think I want to be staying in Tim and Claire’s house? Much as I love them, this isn’t my home, and I would never, ever leave you and Alanna. I wouldn’t.’

‘So why did you?’ Olivia spits, welling up with tears. ‘You have a choice. This is all bullshit. You didn’t have
to leave. You don’t have to leave. I will never be able to forgive you for this, Dad.’

Elliott is pained. ‘You don’t understand,’ he says wearily.

‘No. You’re right. I don’t understand. So explain it to me. Help me.’

‘I can’t,’ he says, after a pause. ‘It’s not something that’s for me to tell.’

‘Great.’ The sarcasm drips from her voice. ‘You’re trying to blame Mom for this, but she didn’t leave. Whatever fight you’ve had, the fact that you left, when she’s pregnant with your child, is unforgivable.’

‘It’s not,’ he says quietly, unable to help himself.

‘It’s not what?’

‘Nothing.’

‘No. It’s not nothing.’ Olivia’s voice starts to rise. ‘It’s not what? What do you mean? Tell me, Dad! Tell me!’ She is shouting now.

‘It’s not my child.’

Olivia stares at him in shock, before running out of the door. Elliott goes after her, calling her name, but she is faster than he is and she doesn’t stop, and soon she is out of view entirely.

He shouldn’t have said it. He knows he shouldn’t have said it. But he cannot stand being blamed by his daughters when he is not the one at fault. He has tried to protect his wife, tried not to talk about it, but he will not allow his daughters to portray him as the bad guy.

He will not allow Gabby to take away what little he has left.

Olivia bursts through the door of the barn, frantically looking for her mother. She finds her on a chair in the corner, sitting staring into the space.

‘Is it true?’ Olivia demands, standing in front of her mother with crossed arms.

‘Is what true?’

‘The baby isn’t Dad’s.’

Gabby just gapes at her daughter, stunned. She wasn’t going to tell her daughters. Certainly not yet, not while they were still struggling with the fact their father has moved out. She hasn’t discussed this with Elliott, but she assumed she had a few months. She wanted time for them to get adjusted, time for them to get used to this new life before she dropped another clanger on them.

‘Well?’ Olivia pushes. ‘Is it true?’

‘What did your father tell you? Oh God. I can’t believe he told you. What did he say?’

Olivia stares at her mother, incredulity and sadness in her eyes, and Gabby is filled with regret for doing this to her, doing this to all of them.

‘You’re pregnant with somebody else’s baby? No wonder he left. How could you? How could you sleep with another man when you’re married to Dad and he’s so … he’s so great? What are you thinking? What
were
you thinking?’ Olivia is shaking her head in disbelief,
trying to comprehend. ‘How could you do this to him? To us? I have no idea who you are because my mother wouldn’t do that. My mother would never do something so hurtful and wrong. You even promised me you weren’t having an affair – remember?’

Gabby is not sure she has ever been in so much pain. She wants to explain to Olivia how it happened, why, and that it didn’t mean anything, but Olivia is only seventeen, not old enough to understand the feelings ignited in a middle-aged woman when a young and attractive man finds her alluring.

‘Who is it? Who is he? Who’s the baby’s father?’ Olivia says, realizing her mother isn’t going to say anything, can barely look her in the eye.

‘No one. No one you know. It doesn’t matter,’ Gabby says quietly through her tears.

‘Even better, Mom. You threw away your life for nothing? For no one? You ruined all of our lives for, what? For nothing.’ Her voice drops then. ‘How could you?’ she says quietly, turning to hide the tears that are starting to fall. She doesn’t see Gabby sink to the floor, distraught, because she goes up to her room to pack, to be with her father, to stay anywhere but under her mother’s roof.

Gabby doesn’t move, other than to curl up. Her body heaves with sobs, for she knows Olivia is absolutely right. She has thrown away her life for no one, for nothing. And no one could be more disgusted with her than she is herself.

She has lost her husband. Now, she has lost her daughter. And she is fairly certain she has lost her best friend, because although she has assumed true best friends don’t have to choose sides during a marriage split, given that Claire and Tim have opened their lives to Elliott, given that Claire has not been in touch for days, she is in little doubt about what is happening.

What the hell was she thinking? What came over her? She doesn’t think about Matt at all. They have had only one exchange of emails since the day they slept together. It had been so awkward afterwards, her guilt, and remorse, and shame were immediate and overwhelming, and they both recognized, without having to say anything, that that was the end.

She will never tell him about the baby. Even thinking of him makes her feel physically sick. No matter what the outcome of her life, she will do this without his help, without having anything more, ever, to do with the man who she now thinks of as ruining her life.

But it wasn’t just him. If he hadn’t come along perhaps there would have been someone else. Gabby still thinks of those weeks – the frantic emailing, being up all night thinking about him, messages flying back and forth, their flirtation growing stronger and stronger – as something akin to an out-of-body experience. He came along at a time when she felt invisible, when she felt that she was growing old and dull, that life would never again be exciting or glamorous.

She became obsessed with the thrill of it all, the
roller coaster of highs when he emailed, the lows when he didn’t. Looking back, which she tries not to do, she can think of it only as an addiction: short-lived, intense, unmanageable. It possessed her, leaving no room for reason or rationality. She couldn’t have stopped it even if she wanted to. And she did want to; she never wanted it to go as far as it did. She just wanted to feel beautiful for a bit longer; to feel alive; to feel wanted.

Now she is left with nothing, nothing but a future of swimming in the morass of remorse and shame she created all by herself.

She doesn’t hear the door of the barn open. She is too busy crying. But she feels the hand on her leg, the heat of a small body curled up next to her.

‘Don’t cry, Mommy.’ Alanna takes her hand and strokes it. ‘It’s going to be okay.’ This only makes Gabby cry harder, but eventually she is able to smile at Alanna through her tears, noticing that Alanna’s blue eyes are glistening.

‘Have you seen your sister?’ Gabby strokes Alanna’s hair back behind her ears, tracing her fingers along her daughter’s cheekbones, noticing the tiny glittering flower ear rings she is wearing, the ones Elliott bought for her the last time they went to Main Street.

Alanna nods. ‘She left. She told me.’

Gabby doesn’t say anything. What is left for her to say?

‘I still love you,’ Alanna says. ‘And it’s still my baby brother or sister. I’ll be here to look after it even if Olivia isn’t.’

‘You’re the best,’ Gabby whispers. ‘Do you have any idea how much I love you?’

Alanna nods, and the two of them sit, together, for a very long time.