Temporary Bliss (23 page)

It’s been three weeks since I left Daniel’s apartment. After I poured my heart out to him and admitted my feelings. Since we made love for the first time and since I ran from him, again.

He hasn’t tried to contact me. Not that I expected him to. Given that the last thing he said to me was “I’m getting sick of watching you walk away,” it’s no surprise he’s been MIA. In the meantime, I’ve been focusing on the important things, like work, home, and most of all, looking at things I need to deal with in order to truly move forward.

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in no man’s land, and not of the drunken variety. I can’t return to my old habits, that much is obvious. I don’t want to date anybody else, let alone sleep with anyone other than Daniel. He is the one I want. But how can I prove that to him when I keep running in the opposite direction? I need to give myself to him without freaking out. For God’s sake, he’s not another Beau Gregory. Why can’t I trust it and him?

In order to fully commit to Daniel and our relationship, I must be sure there are absolutely no reservations. I owe him that much.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. Focusing on work, going to the gym, and spending time at home. At Kate’s urging, I’ve also written a list of people I need to see, and issues I need deal with.

The first three people on the list are Noah, Sean and Zander. I need to talk with each of them and end the ‘benefits.’ It was fun while it lasted, but I can’t keep having casual fuck buddies if I want to commit to someone, to Daniel. And it hasn’t been that hard for me. I haven’t slept with any of them since I first met Daniel on the train three months ago, Daniel gave me everything I wanted and needed in that department.

My logic is that by escaping the habits of my past, I might be able to see the future more clearly and not be so afraid of it.

That’s the theory anyway, and Kate agrees. She’s totally on board with this plan on mine.

First up is Sean.

Mac:
Can you come over to my place, I need to talk to you.

Sean:
Sounds ominous considering I’ve never been to your place.

Mac:
Not ominous, just need to talk.

Sean:
Sure thing, baby doll. Everything okay?

Mac:
It will be. Talk when you get here.

That was an hour ago. True to form, and on time, I hear him knock at the door.

“Hi,” I say meekly when I open the door. He looks as formidable and domineering as ever. His 6 ft. 2 frame fills the door frame with ease, but what really gets me is the concern in his eyes. There’s none of the heat that normally fills me with longing. He’s frowning, and he looks worried. Mr. Dom is never worried.

“Come in.” I gesture as he steps inside, turning to close the door behind us. It’s Saturday afternoon, and Kate has a late client, so we have the house to ourselves. Despite all of my dramas, I’ve noticed she’s been acting a bit strange since that night I left her at the bar with Zander. Whenever I ask her about it, she brushes me off and changes the subject. Very unlike her, but I’ve yet to call her out on it because I’ve been too focused on working out the mess that is now my love life.

“Would you like a drink or something? I’ve got a nice red in here somewhere,” I ask, walking towards the kitchen.

“That would be great, Mac.” He seems uncomfortable, so not Sean’s way. “So what’s wrong, baby doll? You in need of my services?”

I choke and start coughing, looking up at him in disbelief. “What?”

“I mean legal services, Mac, not the other kind. Although, if you ask me, you do look like you need a little action.” That sexy grin of his makes an appearance, but I realize that it’s not having the desired effect. There’s no heat, no warmth, no slutty devil on my shoulder telling me to submit.

“As tempting as that is, I can’t. I wanted to talk to you face to face, to explain that I can’t do this anymore.” Shit! This is harder than I thought.

I see his eyes widen in recognition, then a quick puzzled look before he recovers. “You’ve found someone.” His eyes soften as a sly smile grows over his lips.

I nod, biting my lip as I try to hold back tears as he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me... I melt into him, fisting my hands in his shirt as he hugs me close. I feel safe with Sean. But it was never anything more than sex, more like the chance to give up all control to him for a few hours, escape the stresses and realities of my life. If anything, Sean has been cathartic.

“It’s about time, baby doll. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve this.” He kisses my forehead and places his hands on the top of my arms, pulling me away. “So why the long face?”

“I…um…I’ve already run from him twice. I’m not sure he still wants me and my baggage. And then there’s you guys. I’m going to miss you,” I say, sniffing my nose and wiping my eyes.

“I’m always going to be here for you. Just not in that way and I’m okay with that. We were always friends first and foremost, and I’m not disappearing just because we’re not having that kind of fun together anymore. It’s going to be okay.” He kisses my forehead and that just starts me crying again as I remember all the times Daniel would kiss my nose and then my forehead, his little claiming ritual that always made me feel cherished.

“Well, I’m going to pass on that drink. I think you need some time to yourself. But if I may say one thing, baby doll, don’t ever think you don’t deserve to be happy. Whatever happened in the past belongs in the past. Learn from it, grow, and move on. Don’t let it determine your future.” He kisses my cheek and walks out the door.

My Mr. Dom no more.

Since I am on a roll, I decide it’s time to face Zander. He’s called me a couple of times since that night at the bar. I know I owe him an explanation, but to be honest, I’ve been avoiding him. I pull my big girl panties on and send him a text.

Mac:
Hey, Zan. You wanna meet up for a drink later?

Zander:
And she finally returns to the land of the living! Where have you been, and why have you been avoiding me?

Mac:
Sorry, been busy with work and stuff. So tonight?

Zander:
I have a gig at 8. Can we meet after 9
?

Mac:
Sure, where?

Zander:
At the club? Is Kate coming with you?

Mac:
Probably not, I think she has a date. See you then.

With my plans for the evening made, I set about finishing my chores and waiting for Kate to come home from work. She gets home around five to find me sitting on the couch cross-legged, drinking hot chocolate and reading a new romance novel on my kindle.

“Hey, babe, grab a glass of wine and come chill out with me,” I say as she dumps her purse on the kitchen counter.

“You are a life saver, Mac. Today has been hell. It’s prom season. You know what that means. Every high school girl wants their hair up. It feels like my heels have melted to my feet!”

“Well, it sounds like you deserve that wine then.”

She plops down beside me and cradles her wine glass likes it’s a newborn baby. “Hmm, you know that I’ll always need you,” she coos at the glass as she takes a big gulp and smiles, murmuring words of appreciation under her breath. “You’re an angel, Mac, you know that?”

“I know. It’s hard being this good,” I say in jest, earning a giggle.

“So, enough about me. How’s your day been?” She spins herself on the couch so that she’s facing me with her legs crossed.

“I did the chores as you can see.” I throw my hand out like a game show host, displaying the sparkling clean living room as the grand prize which makes her giggle. “And then I asked Sean to come over-”

“Mac, you didn’t!”

“No, I didn’t, thank you very much! I told you I was going to sort myself out, and I meant it. He came over so that I could end the benefits side of our arrangement in person. I just felt better doing it face to face, that’s all.”

She leans forward, putting her glass on the coffee table and shuffles over towards me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and giving me the world’s tightest cuddle. “Can’t. Breathe. Hon.”

Sorry. I’m just so proud of you, babe. You’re learning.” She praises me like I’ve just got first prize or something.

“I’m definitely trying, but it’s hard. I can’t stop thinking about Daniel. I grabbed my phone twice today, and had to stop myself from calling him, texting him, sending out a freaking SOS sign and asking for my superhero to come save me.”

“Mac, we’ve talked about this. You need to sort yourself out first so that you can show him that he is everything you need and want and that you won’t run again. With Daniel, I think it is definitely a case of ‘three strikes and you’re out’.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “Zander’s up next. I’m meeting him tonight at the club.”

Kate stops mid mouthful and looks at me warily before quickly swallowing and putting her glass down, grabbing the remote in the process.

“Anything good on the box?” she asks, changing the subject. That is strange!

“Kate, why do you act weird whenever I mention Zan?”

“What do you mean?” she asks with an uncomfortable chuckle.

“Exactly that! Did he try something that night I left you at the bar with him? Cause honest to God, he’s a good guy hon, but if he made you feel uncomfortable or anything I’ll fucking cut his-”

“No! Nothing like that, Mac. He was a perfect gentleman. I was drunk, he brought me home and made sure I was okay, then left. “

“So why have you been acting weird whenever I mention his name?”

“I don’t know.” She looks away again, looking uncertain about the conversation. Vowing to talk to Zander about it later, I let it go. It’s obvious she’s not going to tell me, so I’ll get it out of the man of the hour tonight.

A few hours later, I leave Kate at home to meet up with Zander at the Pink Monkey. It’s his hangout of choice these days, and I can see why. After meeting him outside, we’re ushered in, and he grabs us a couple of drinks before leading me to one of the VIP cabanas lining the far wall. The white curtains are sheer, but still give the feeling of privacy. Unlike the last time I was alone with Zander, I’m not nervous. Funnily enough, I feel at peace.

He’s been the perfect gentleman so far. Apart from giving me a peck on the cheek when I arrived, and guiding me towards the bar by placing his hand on the small of my back, there has been none of his predictable and usually welcomed flirty behavior and dirty talk. I’m sure he knows what I want to talk to him about. Zander may be many things, but he is wise beyond his years.

Taking a seat opposite me on the white leather bench seat, he leans back and rests his arm on the top of the seat, lifting his leg to rest his ankle on his knee. I shake my head, earning a grin.

“What?” he asks with a smirk.

“You know what.”

“Yeah, I do. I can’t help it. It’s what I do, Mac.”

“And you do it so damn well. No wonder you get paid to flirt.”

I notice his smile fade and his body tense up. Shit! What did I say wrong?

“There’s more to me than just a pretty face and a fit body. You of all people should know that,” he says curtly.

“Of course, Zan. Hey, where’s this coming from?” I ask, shocked by his overreaction.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“No, don’t dismiss me. What’s going on?” I’m not letting this one slide. Zander is one of the most down to earth guys you could ever meet. He has never felt the need to defend his profession to anyone, especially me.

He takes a long swig of his bottle of Corona, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m thinking about a change of scenery, work wise.” He looks over the table at me intently, gauging my reaction.

“Wow, Zan, that is awesome. I know you’ve wanted to branch out for a while now. So what do you wanna do then?”

“I’ve just been accepted into the Chicago Police Department’s basic recruit training,” he says cautiously, watching me closely for a reaction.

“Zander, that is fucking fantastic news. Holy crap, you’re gonna be a cop!” I shriek ecstatically as I jump up and move around the table to hug the life out of him.

He wraps his free arm around me, returning my hug with equal enthusiasm while sighing with relief.

“Hey,” I say, standing up and moving back a step to look at him. “Why the hell were you holding your breath? I’m not that scary.”

“No, but honestly, you’re the first person I’ve told. I only found out today,” he says sheepishly.

I whack his arm with the back of my hand before moving back to my seat. “Dude, you’re gonna be a cop. That is awesome! Now that deserves a toast!” I clink my glass against his beer bottle and go to take a sip, but the smell of the lemon drop makes me cringe before it’s even hit my lips.

Zander sees me put my glass down on the table without drinking from it and looks over at me with a puzzled expression. “What’s wrong?”

“I dunno. Just don’t feel like it for some reason.”

“You okay, Mac? You said you wanted to talk to me?”

“Ah, yeah,” I say, shifting in my seat, my earlier bravado dissipating.

“Everything okay?” he asks, concern covering his face.

“Yeah, I mean no, but… oh!” I brush back my hair from my face, trying to summon up the courage to say the words I mean to say. “I can’t have sex with you anymore,” I spit out, covering my eyes with my hands, bracing myself.

“I know.”

My eyes snap open, and I look over at him. “You know?”

He chuckles. “Yeah, Mac. I got that impression when you froze up a few weeks ago when I kissed you, and how you couldn’t get home quick enough. When I dropped Kate home later that night and you weren’t home, I figured something was up.”

“Oh.” I should have known he’d pick up on my awkwardness.

“So, I’m guessing you’ve met someone, or you’re not feeling it with me anymore. Either way, I’m okay with it, babe. We’re friends first, the mind blowing sex was just an added bonus,” he adds with a wink.