Tempo (25 page)

I sit in silence waiting for the right words to come to me. Folding the picture in half, I continue to fold it over and over again; subconsciously hoping that the smaller I make it the less it will hurt. My eyes travel back to Michael as he sits in silence, waiting. Waiting for what; an apology, an explanation? He deserves both, but I cannot summon the courage to speak. I am not ready to go to that place with him. Not here on the roof. This place was special to both Michael and I. I refuse to let Evan take that away from us. When Michael comes up here in the future, I want him to remember the fabulous day we had under the umbrella sheltered from the world. “I can’t talk about this here. I owe you an explanation but not here.” The tears begin to run down my cheeks. “Can we go back to my hotel?”

Michael stands and walks silently toward the elevator. Nothing is said during the trip back to my room. Michael sits on the couch, still silent. The silence is deafening, it speaks louder that any words he can yell at me. I walk about the room before deciding to sit in front of him. He deserves to look into my eyes as I speak the truth.

“I would like to explain.” My voice trembles as I begin.

“Sitting in a coffee shop six years ago, a handsome young man approached a young naïve girl. He took a seat and started up a conversation. It was so nice to talk to someone. I was alone completely. I had no friends, no family, nothing. The conversation was innocent enough. He was a senior at the art school. He was studying photography. I was a freshman studying interior design. Everyday I would go to the same coffee shop and almost everyday he would show up. We carved out what I thought was a friendship. This went on for several weeks. We had coffee and conversation. One day as I was headed out to class, he came running up to me apologizing for being late. He asked me if he could walk me to my class. The fact that he wanted to walk me anywhere was straight out of a romance novel. His comment about being late made me feel almost giddy with excitement. It meant that he had been paying attention to my schedule. On our way to my class he reached over and held my hand. Such a simple little gesture but for a girl with no love in her life, the feeling was intoxicating. Several weeks later he kissed me. He continued to court me. We met up on weekends so that neither of us lost focus of our school commitments. He stopped coming to the coffee shop. He told me it was because he was so busy with his final project. His grade would be determined by a photography assignment. It was going to take a lot his time
, but Saturdays would belong to me. He had a studio attached to his apartment where he used to earn money on the side. He took family portraits and lots of baby photos. One day he asked me to pose for him. He took me into his studio and had me sit on the satin covered mattress in the middle of the room. There were reflective screens all around and various types of lights.  It was exactly what I would have thought a photographer’s studio would look like. The only exception was the bed. He took several pictures that day. They were harmless pictures of me lying on my side pretending to read a book; things like that. We continued to grow close and over the next month, Evan was pressing me for more. We would lie on the bed and he would kiss me. One day as things were getting heated he pulled my shirt over my head. Being small breasted, I wasn’t wearing a bra. My hands crossed in front me trying to cover what he had exposed. I remember him grabbing my hands and pushing them down so that my chest was out in the open. He jumped up and grabbed his camera. He was going to take a partially nude picture of me. Once again my arms came up to my breasts trying to shield them from the unwanted attention. I swear that I heard the click of the shutter, but he promised me that he didn’t take a picture. I had no reason not to trust him. Although he had never declared me as his girlfriend, I had assumed that we were a couple. Our next date was back at the studio, he had a bottle of wine and we sat on the mattress drinking and looking at his portfolio. He loved to talk about himself. After looking at several of the sexier shots that he had taken of various women, he told me that he had needs and I would need to start taking care of those or he would have to move on. I remember how shocked I was at the time, but I also knew that I didn’t ever want to be alone again. That night after several glasses of wine, I allowed him to strip me naked and fondle me. That seemed to satisfy his needs for a short time. I hated being in the studio every time we saw one another. The lights would go off without notice and things were always clicking and popping. I begged him to take me into his apartment, but he always had an excuse; too dirty, plumbing issues, etc. My inner voice had been screaming at me since the day I had met him. She waved enough red flags in my face to poke my eyes out, but I was blinded by what I perceived was love. Evan seemed to be respectful of my need to move slowly. I was a virgin with no sexual experience. The most I could claim would be a stolen kiss here or there. By now, we had been dating for roughly six months. He was sweet and charming and when I was with him he was extremely attentive. One night in the studio he laid me down, stripped me and performed oral sex on me. It was so out of my league, but the idea of it was thrilling. He used his experience to wind me up. I was a powder keg of pent up sexual frustration. As soon as his tongue hit me I was over the edge. His job was done, but mine was just beginning. That night he showed me how to please him with my hand. The next few weeks went by like the weeks prior. Evan talked about himself and I gave him my undivided attention. It was a perfect world for Evan and in all honesty, I didn’t really know any better. Who was there to give me advice? One thing that changed though was that Evan became less satisfied with a hand job and demanded something more. The next step was for me to pleasure him like he had pleasured me that one time. I wanted to please him. It’s in my nature to want to make people happy. I gave him what he wanted, but I didn’t like it at all. He was crude with his words and it made me feel dirty. I would never do that to him again. He continued to woo me with terms of endearment and words of love. He always called me love and with his accent it always made my heart race. You see; I confused attention with love. I hadn’t had either in so long that I probably would have done anything to get both. In the end I did do everything to get both. There was about three weeks of school left. We had not talked about a future together, but I knew that if I didn’t give up my innocence there wasn’t going to be one. He was bored of the hand jobs and I wouldn’t give him oral sex. On one of our Saturday evening dates, we met at the studio and drank Jell-O shots and had Chinese take out. It was an awful combination, but it got him what he wanted. Who would have thought that you could get so drunk off of a little bit of flavored gelatin? I remember lying naked on the satin sheet. We hadn’t even kissed, but he was totally aroused. He kneeled between my legs and just before he pierced me he said. “Lets get this over with so we can be done.” It was an awful experience; I hadn’t been prepared for the sudden intrusion. It was painful and I swore to never to do it again. It wasn’t the last time though; we did it once more because he was disappointed with the outcome. He said my tenseness made it seem ugly.”

I look at up at Michael and he is still staring at me. I can’t read his emotions because mine are getting in the way. I look down at my hands and notice that they are red from my kneading them for the last ten minutes.

“I didn’t see Evan the following Saturday. He explained that he would be working on his final project the whole weekend. He asked me to come to the exhibition hall to see his work on display. The show would be Monday. Monday morning I got a text from him asking me to come at ten o’clock, he needed me to be there. I was excited to see what he was going to present. I had asked him several times, but he said it was a surprise, and he didn’t want to ruin it. As I was travelling down the sidewalk to the exhibit hall, I noticed people looking at me strangely.  People were whispering behind their hands. One girl just openly laughed. I had no idea what they were whispering or snickering about. On the outside of the gallery above the door a banner was emblazoned with the words, “The Loss of Innocence.”  As I entered the gallery, there were many displays. The theme of the exhibit was interpreted in various ways by various artists, from babies growing up, to children starving in third world countries. As I turned the corner, I was taken aback to see a photo of myself. I was sitting alone at the coffee shop. It was not produced on canvas, but displayed on a large flat screen TV. Next to it were eight more monitors. The second was of Evan and I holding hands. The third was of our first kiss. The fourth was the topless photo with me trying to cover myself. The exact photo he said he didn’t take. The fifth was taken of me fully nude lying on a satin sheet. The sixth was of my mouth wrapped around him. The seventh was of his mouth on me. The eighth was the hardest to look at. It was the photograph that you handed me today, except that my face was visible and on it was the look of sheer pain. The photo was taken at the exact moment he ripped through me. The ninth display was blank. By that time, I was crying uncontrollably. How could someone who was supposed to love me humiliate me in public like that?”

Looking up at Michael I see him flinch. I know it’s hard for him to hear. He will never be able to look at me the same again, but I have to finish the story. He needs to know everything, and so I continue.

“I turned around looking for Evan, the tears were pouring out of my eyes. I caught a glimpse of him standing by the blank monitor. A wicked smile began to emerge as the screen flickered to life. Looking up I saw my tear stained face fill the screen. It was the last photo taken in the series and it showed the utter destruction of me. I could hear Evan laugh as I left. He took more than my virginity that year. He crushed my self-esteem and he destroyed my ability to trust. I went back to being alone because it felt safer and less painful. Thank goodness I had the summer for people to forget the photos or else I would have had to leave school. He all but destroyed me.  He killed a part of me that I thought I had lost forever. I found it again when I fell in love with you.”

Michael sits there staring at me. I wish he would say something; anything would be better than the silence. I stand up and walk to the mini bar to get some cold water.

“Come here Karlie,” he says. His voice is devoid of any emotion. I walk toward him so that I am standing in front of him. He reaches out and pulls me onto his lap. His lips are on mine. His gentle kiss feels like a salve on my wounded heart. I expected him to leave or to yell, but I did not expect him to comfort me.

“It all makes sense now. The fear of cameras, the fury you felt when you knew you were being watched and the pictures that were taken without your knowledge. The press conference must have killed you Karlie. I publicly humiliated you. Will you ever forgive me?”

I sit on his lap in complete silence.

“Forgive you? It’s me that has naked pictures surfacing. It’s a person from my past that’s trying to extort money from you. I don’t understand Michael. Why are you sitting here holding me? You should be running as fast as you can in the opposite direction.”

“I’m not running any more Karlie. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Stepping outside my room I hear him make a phone call. Walking back he takes the folded photograph from my desk and recites the phone number written on the back.

“What are you doing?”

“I am taking care of this Karlie. We don’t have room in our lives for this kind of stuff.”

“I don’t want you to
take care of it Michael,” I cry.

“Do you have the resources to take care of this Karlie? I don’t think so, just let me handle it okay?” Michaels says, a tinge of anger in his voice.

I can’t argue with him right now.  I walk over to my bed and climb under the covers. My stomach feels sick and my head aches. I curl up and fall asleep.

“Hey baby, wake up, it’s Christmas Eve.”

The smell of fresh coffee infuses my room. My eyes feel heavy and I am finding it difficult to open them. His hand gently moves my hair to the side. His fingers trace my face from my temple to my chin. I feel his soft lips touch mine.

“I see that the hotel has stepped up
their service,” I tease.

“Not everybody gets this service, just hot designers from Colorado. I have to leave to take care of something
, but I will be back later.”

It dawns on me right then that he is meeting Evan to pay him off.

“Don’t do it Michael,” I plead.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I can’t just leave this alone Karlie. It’s not going to go away on its own. We have everything to lose and I have worked too hard to lose it all now.”

Lying in bed alone I think about what he said. He does have everything to lose and it won’t just go away. As long as he is with me, Evan will be trying to finance his future through who knows how many photos he has to sell. The fact that Michael is paying him off will always put Evan in a position of power. The only thing left for me to do is to leave.

“Thanks Eve, I hate to leave this up to the hotel staff, but I have an emergency back home. Here is the address, if you can just have the boxes sent here I would be grateful.”

“It’s no problem Ms. McKenna. I hope that things turn out all right at home.”

I am so happy that Tony was not around when I left. It made getting the taxi to the airport so much easier. At the ticketing counter I purchase the only ticket available. It’s first class but thankfully seat 6D. I can’t believe that the one-way ticket cost nearly as much as my Versace dress. I feel anxious as I wait for the plane to depart. I keep looking around me, half expecting Michael to pop up and make me stay. It’s hopeful thinking on my part. He is an amazing man. Yesterday, I thought he was going to leave me. His face said it all, or so I thought. The whole time I was spilling my guts he was plotting to fix the problem. It wasn’t me he was done with; it was the situation. He is always there to protect me. I am heading back to Colorado to protect him. It’s my final gift to him. I can’t have Evan blackmailing him at every turn.