Tears of the Broken (51 page)

“
Night, honey,” Dad muttered, way too casually. He knows
there’s something up—but he isn’t going to ask. Dads are smart
sometimes, but even smarter to stay out of it.

There’s no comfort for me in the dark, tonight. I can’t dream
that I’ll wake up and meet David across the road tomorrow; I can’t
fantasise about the day we’d get married or how we’d sit on the
porch, rocking back and forth on a swing while we watch our
grandchildren play in the yard, because those dreams
are
the darkness, now—a
haunting kind of darkness. They were what kept me going when I
didn’t want to breathe, they were what made me think that perhaps
I’m not cursed for killing my family, but now, it is ever clearer
that I
am
cursed.
I will be punished—haunted by those dreams forever—because David
and I can’t possibly be together.

A
dancing flame flickered against the wick of the vanilla candle by
my bed; I sat in its gentle glow and blew out the match, breathing
the cindering smell of wood as the flame withdrew.

It’s
no use. I can’t sleep, tonight—not with the thought that at any
minute a vampire might come crawling through my window—or worse,
that he never will again.

How
could he do this to me? I’m so mad at him for being a vampire, and
for making me fall so madly in love with him. It’s not fair. What
am I supposed to do now? I can’t just fall out of love. But I can’t
be with a murderer, either. I mean, how does one get past the fact
that their boyfriend permanently erases people from existence. If
I’d known that when I first met him, I really doubt I would’ve
fallen for him—unless he smiled at me or caught me when I fell or
told me he loved me after forcing me to pour my heart out to
him.

I
sighed heavily as I looked at the flickering reflection of light in
my dresser mirror. The gentle glow took some of the darkness from
my room, but the nightmares that used to hide in the shadows when I
was a little girl peeked out from the past. All the things my
parents said weren’t real—all the monsters and demons and
nightmares—actually are. I mean, there could be a Bogey Man under
my bed, for all I know. I slid my ankle under the covers and moved
my hand away from the edge of the mattress.

David is a monster; he is the epitome of nightmares. But a
small part of me
wants
to accept him. A small part of me—a very small, irrational
and rose-coloured glasses part—doesn’t care. I just love that damn
vampire so much.

But
at the same time, I can’t separate myself from the idea of a life
lost, from the fact that when David meets a man in a dark alley, it
doesn’t matter if that man has children who call him Daddy, a wife
who has cancer or a mother who’ll be waiting for him to return with
her milk—David will erase him—and never think twice about
it.

But
I will.

I
couldn’t live with myself if I had to kiss the lips of the very
thing that draws life from this Earth, every day, for the rest of
my life.

Then
again, I don’t think I can live with myself if I don’t.

For
such a short time, I thought I was going to be okay. David rescued
me from a dark future—showed me what real love felt like, gave me
my first kiss. No one has ever kissed me like that before, and no
one has ever told me they love me—and meant it like
that.

There’s still so much I want to ask him, but until I get my
own thoughts straight, it’s probably better if I don’t see him. All
I’ll do is hurt him further with repulsion.

Disregarding my resurfaced fear of the Bogey Man, I flipped
my legs over the side of the bed and padded to my desk to write all
my mind-boggling deliberations down.

Dear
Diary,

It’s
funny how love goes; you think you have morals and strong beliefs,
but when you strip it all down, the truth is that I want to love
him. I want to forget about what he is and just love him. But, by
accepting him, I’d be condoning murder.

On
the other hand, I can go on forever not loving him, when there’s
nothing I can do to save those people, anyway. Will I punish myself
for what David is?

I
looked up from the pages of my diary to the phone by my elbow. I
wish it would ring, and in my moment of weakness I could tell my
best friend everything. He’d know what to do.

What
would he say?

I
already know the answer to that. He’d tell me to run. In fact, he’d
be on the first plane over here, stick me in a duffel bag and carry
me off to a faraway land, where he’d pack me into a crate and stand
guard for the rest of my life.

Okay, perhaps the phone ringing is a bad idea.

Argh, what am I going to do? I dropped my head into my hands.
This isn’t hard—or at least, it shouldn’t be. I know what I should
do; I know what I want to do. But they conflict.

I
sighed and looked out at the dotted glimmers of silver, sparkling
in the night sky. The stars, which once were twinkles of hope for
me, stared back down into my insignificant little life, offering no
solace or resolution at all.

Of
course this hard. Matters of the heart; they’re never solved
sensibly.

Love
is irrational. Love is unfair.

There will be no going back. No lazy afternoons by the lake,
warm and safe in David’s arms. We’ll never get married or have
babies, never grow old together and get arthritis, and if I become
a vampire—never die.

Before I lost my family, death was not something I wanted. It
was always something that, for me, would be years away—hundreds of
years. But in the face of immortality, all I can think of is how
restless it must be to know you’ll never find peace, never reunite
with those who’ve passed, never find out what’s on the other side.
And sure, you get to live forever, but I bet the novelty would wear
off pretty soon—and then what? Then it’s too late.

Eternity is a very long time, I mean, what if I did become
like him, and after a few thousand years he got bored with
me?

“
That
,” a voice
broke through the silence, “could never happen.”

“
David?” I shot up out of my seat and pinned my back to the
wall beside my dresser. “How long have you been there?”

Sitting with his legs tucked up, leaning comfortably against
my window frame, he watched me move. “Long enough.”

“
Long enough for what?”

He
jumped off the ledge, landing silently in my room. How could I not
have noticed that before? “You’re not afraid of me, are you,
Ara?”

My
head moved from side to side—my eyes wide, and my hands flat to the
wall behind my hips.

He
stopped approaching. “I won’t hurt you.”

“
I
know.” I tried to take a breath, but couldn’t.

He
looked up from his feet, smiling, with a hint of mischief behind
his eyes. “Do you?”

Deep
down—I think I do. I took a very deep breath, and
exhaled.

“
Mmm.” David closed his eyes, breathing deep through his nose.
“You smell so sweet.” The beat of my heart hid under a gasp as
David appeared in front of me. His hips pinned mine to the wall
while his cold fingertips brushed my hair away from my neck, and he
ran his nose along the curve of my shoulder.

“
David?” I whispered. If I can hear my heart trying to break
out of its cage, then surely this vampire can, too.

“
Yes, my love,” he said, breathing soft, cool kisses along my
jawline.

“
You’re scaring me.” I stayed still.

He
looked up then, and shook his head. “If I had done this to you
yesterday?”

“
I
would’ve thrown you on the bed and—” I cleared my
throat.

“
Then, what is so very different, today?”

“
Because, today—you’re a killer.”

“
I
was a killer yesterday.” He laughed incredulously.

I
looked down; he’s right. But the difference is that I know about
it, now. I’m essentially an accessory to murder.

David took a half a step back. “If I could perform a memory
charm on you, would you want me to?”

“
You
could do that?”

“
Just answer the question, please.”

“
I—”
I don’t know; happiness was a part of my life when I was in love
with David, the boy. All of this reality is just too unusual. I
feel insecure, like I’m walking on a glass cliff top—sure I might
fall through at any minute. But, would I want to love him if I
didn’t know he was a killer? “Yes,” I said very quietly, looking
down.

“
Then why can’t you accept me, now?”

“
It’s complicated.”

“
Ara, look at me,” he said. “Love is complicated, but you
can’t deny that you’re in love with me?” His eyes, green and
intense, searched mine. “You refuse my affections, you will watch
me walk away—give up our love, for what? To make a stand against a
natural predator? That’s all I am, sweetheart—” he leaned closer,
laughing softly as his eyes flicked over my face, “would you give
up your first born to protest against lions killing a
zebra?”

I
pushed away from him and darted across to my desk. “That’s the
problem, David. I
will
be giving up my first-born. I’ll be giving up
everything
.” God, he
doesn’t get it! “I can never have a family, a life, not even a
death if I choose you. I’ve been over it—there’s no right way to do
this.”

“
That may be so, but you still have a choice to make.” His
voice shook on the word choice.

“
Why
do you have to a vampire?” My lip quivered and fresh tears stung
the edges of my dry eyes. “Why did you have to make me fall in love
with you?”

David stood stiff. “I didn’t
make
you.”

“
I know.” I folded my arms and rolled my
chin to my chest. “But I do love you, and now I have to choose
between love or life, and I want
that
life, David. I want a
family—like Mum had; I want a little Harry. I want to be a soccer
mum and do car-pooling and argue with my daughter about the boys I
think aren’t good enough for her—and then, one day, when I’ve had a
good life, with the man I love, I want to know what it’s like to be
old—and die.” I looked up, and my eyes narrowed. “Can you
understand any of this?”

“
More than you could know.” Misery swallowed his voice, and
then—he evaporated. A breathless second passed before he appeared
on the edge of my bed, with his face in his hands.

What
is wrong with me? My mouth should be sewn shut; I always manage to
say something to destroy him.

Look
at him—he’s no monster—he’s just a boy, he’s just David. “Damn you
for being so cute.” As I slumped beside him on the bed, I let out a
loud sigh. “What’s it like? Eternity? Is it very
painful?”

David looked at me with round, tear-filled eyes. “It’s very,
very long,” his voice broke. “We have souls, you know? Vampires? We
have souls, like you,” he swallowed, “and soul mates. I’ve searched
for nearly a
hundred
years, Ara, and I have
finally
found you.” He took my
hands; I let him. “You don’t understand what that
means.”

“
Explain it to me.”

“
It is an unyielding bind—unending. Wherever
I go in this eternity, there will
never
be another girl for me. I will
never be as happy and complete as when I’m with you.” He sniffed
once and reached up to my face, stroking his thumb over my
cheekbone. “Please don’t make me live without you? Not now that you
know; not now that
I
know what you are to me.” He paused and his sparkling emerald
eyes drew my soul to the surface.

“
What exactly am I to you, David? You say soul-mate, but you
were just going to leave me behind.”

“
I never wanted to do that. I never wanted
any of this, I—” He turned to face me completely and shook his
head. “Please understand—you’re not just my soul mate, Ara. You’re
my
one
true love.
I need you to come with me. Please say you will.”

The
anguish in his eyes forced me to close mine. I can’t answer him,
because I can’t give him the answer he wants.

“
Ara, please. For the sake of a few drops of blood?” His voice
became desperate. “You would throw away everything? You would turn
your back on love?”

“
No, David,” my voice edged beyond discreet.
“I won’t turn my back on love. But I won’t be a part of murder, of
death, of fear. It’s more than a few drops of blood. They’re
people
. Does that mean
nothing to you?”

“
It
does have meaning to me—but not in the way it does to you.” He
lowered his head, maybe ashamed of himself—he should be.

“
David, I will always love you—to the very depths of my soul,
but I won’t live out eternity as an immoral killer,” I said. “I’m
sorry.”