Tear Stained Beaches (11 page)

I could see people staring at me, whispering, wondering what this crazy woman was doing, but I didn’t care. I just kept running, sobbing. It was all I could do. The closer I got to my house, the fewer people were around. Finally, when nobody was in sight, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I collapsed to my knees, violently shaking until I finally fell into the fetal position. I lay there with my knees curled to my chest, immersing my tears in the sand.

There I stayed, for a very long time. My body was physically in pain, my heart the same. The lowest moment in my life had finally come. There I was, 28 years old, crying alone on the beach. I had nobody. There was nothing that was going to make this better. Not only had my husband cheated on me, but I had spent the last two weeks watching the woman he’d cheated with texting him, yearning for him and smiling about him. And for God’s sake, less than 24 hours ago she had jokingly told me how she knew she wouldn’t be getting much sleep that night. That image beat the last of my strength from me as I lay there. I tried to get it out, but I couldn’t. He had made love to her, held her close to him all night long while I was just two miles down the beach. While I was preparing for a typical morning run, he was waking up beside her. Was it possible for someone to be so cruel and cold hearted? I just could not understand how anyone could ever do this to someone they loved.

I wouldn’t wish this sort of agony on my worst enemy. It was pure and complete torture. To know that, for the man who made up my entire world, I was not enough for him. There was no feeling I had ever felt that was worse than that. If ever such a feeling did exist, I prayed to God that my life’s journey would never bring me to it.

Chapter 20

After an hour of crying, I finally gained the strength to pick myself up off the now tear-stained beach long enough to make it back home. I closed the sliding glass door behind me and made sure to lock it. I didn’t know if either of them would, but if they did come over here, I sure as hell did not want them in my house.

I stripped off my sweaty, sand-stained clothes and turned on the shower. As I waited for the water to warm up, I glimpsed the full length mirror. I turned towards it and stared at myself. There I was, as vulnerable and as naked as I was the first time Chase and I had made love. I pressed my hands against my stomach and wondered if maybe this wasn’t attractive to him anymore. Maybe I wasn’t as pretty as I was back then. Maybe I wasn’t as skinny. There had to be something. Something about me that made him do this. I grabbed the towel that rested on the sink and hurled it at the mirror. I was disgusted with myself. I stepped into the shower and let the water drown my tears.

With my eyes closed it was all so vivid. There I was, on my daddy’s arm, walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The day we signed our closing papers with the bank and took home the keys to our very first home. Chase pulling in the driveway with the Audi he bought me for my 26
birthday—a total surprise I never saw coming. I saw his bright smile greeting me in bed in the morning, and felt his soft lips kiss me goodnight. How happy we used to be.

Those images were all washed away by that same smile I saw as he hung up the phone in his car parked in the driveway after work. In my head, I saw him get out and walk up to the porch to our perfect little home and open the front door. He closed it behind him and put his arms out for a hug. There she was, waiting for him in my house, wrapping her arms around my husband. Her long black hair pressed by his hand against her back. She had taken over my dreams: in my head and in reality.

I jumped out of the water and opened my eyes. That sweet, tall, almost overly-tan waitress would forever taint my thoughts. She had been my most trusted companion, introducing me to mouth watering popsicles, boutique shopping, and lazy days on the beach. There was no way I’d ever be able to look at her again. I’d never be able to speak to her, walk past her, listen to her advice. She was dead to me.

I could only see her now as the woman who took my place—the woman who had lain in bed next to my husband the night before. The woman who made him feel like there was something better out there than me.

She was the girl I’d been trying to picture in my head for months—the tall blond bimbo or the short, brown-haired me look-a-like. Except now I no longer had to guess. She was there; she had been there, right in front of me for weeks. Nothing at all like I thought she would be, but possibly it was better that way.

She was a teacher, a woman with a good head on her shoulders with a bright outlook on life. At least she had something to be desired. I don’t quite understand it myself, but in a way it made me feel a little better. I’ve spent many months agonizing over this
situation, constantly comparing myself to whoever she might be. Her looks, her job, her life and if it didn’t even compare, didn’t come close to what I had to give, well that would have made me feel worse. Like, at least if she was better looking than me, I could understand. And I did. I saw what Chase saw in her. She was more than just a pretty face. But what I couldn’t see was the answer I’d wanted all along. Why? Why was she better than me? What did she have that Chase couldn’t get from me? I thought I was the one. I was the one he had chosen, the finger he put that ring on. If I was enough then; why wasn’t I enough now? I wanted the answers to those questions: I just didn’t know if I was ready to actually hear them.

Chapter 21

There were several missed calls on my phone by the time I got out of the shower—both from Meghan and Chase. I wondered if they were still together. What had he said to her and what was her reaction? Did he tell her that his marriage had been over for a long time? Did he explain his way out of the lies he’d told her? I wondered if she’d forgive him; if she’d understand and take him back, or if she’d stick by her no-second-chances rule.

I sat on the bed, wrapped in my towel, staring at my phone. I wanted to call them back. Mostly I wanted to call Meghan. I needed to hear about her relationship with Chase. I needed to hear the things he would say to her, how he acted around her, and if he ever mentioned having a wife. Although I’d known from the stories she told me he didn’t seem to be honest with her either, but I thought maybe something she’d say would give me some insight into why he did this.

Against my better judgment I hit the call back key. I heard it click and knew she answered, but it took awhile for her to speak.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice shook. She swore up and down that she had no idea he was even married, let alone to me. I believed her, I really did, but that didn’t make the situation any easier. It didn’t make me hate her any less.

I didn’t make any small talk. I didn’t even acknowledge the words that were coming out of her mouth. I interrupted her explanation by asking if he was still there.

“No, he’s gone.”

“I think we need to talk. There are things I need to know.”

She agreed. Since I was in no condition to be seen in public, I told her to come over. The conversation was cold. There was no emotion inside me. No more hatred, no more sadness and certainly no love. Once we’d confirmed she was on her way, I hung up.

Meghan knocked and with a half smile on her face, she waved through the glass. I couldn’t bring myself to wave back or let her in. She sat down in one of the chairs on the deck. I unlocked the door and went out. I stood on the opposite side of the deck and placed my hands on the railing; leaning on it for support.

We both stared straight ahead for quite some time. I could see her out of the corner of my eye. Her right leg crossed over her left, bouncing up and down with anticipation of what may be to come. She was still wearing what she had on this morning. A pair of gray sweat shorts and a pink cotton t-shirt. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and I could see the mascara stained along her cheek.

“Where did he go?” I asked.

She looked up at me, but didn’t say anything. She just shrugged her shoulders as tears glistened in her eyes. She told me how she sat there, in that chair on the deck of her beach house after I had left. Neither of them could look at each other, nor even speak for that matter. Her hand never left her mouth. He stood on the beach where I had left him and watched me run from sight.

Finally, she spoke. “I started screaming at him after awhile. I don’t even really remember what I said. He had nothing to say back. He just stared after you with his back to me.”

Meghan had remembered walking down the deck, grabbing his arm and turning him towards her and asking him why. Why her: why me? At first, all he could mutter was the dreadful words of
I don’t know,
but she told him that wasn’t good enough. That she wanted an explanation, and he wasn’t leaving until he gave her one. He told her that life as a lawyer had become more stressful than ever, and it got to be too much putting on the charade that he could handle it all. He needed an escape. He didn’t know what kind of escape until he met her. That she made his life less complicated. She didn’t expect as much from him as the firm and myself. She saw tears in his eyes, but told him he had no right to cry.

I listened as Meghan continued. My mind drifted to the two of them at her beach house
,
and it was almost as if I were right there.

“You’re a married man! Why put a ring on someone’s finger if you aren’t going to stand by your promise?” She said he didn’t answer. “That’s it? You’ve got nothing to say? You ruined people’s lives and you’ve got nothing to say?”

“That’s what I came here to talk to you about. My life, it’s been complicated the last few months. I was confused, lost and completely overwhelmed.” Chase said to her.

“That’s your excuse? You tear people’s hearts into pieces because you’re confused? She screamed.

“I made a mistake Meghan. I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot of time to think about things the last couple of weeks. About my life and my marriage. I came here this weekend to tell you everything. And to tell you I can’t do this anymore.”

“Is that what I was? A mistake?” A tear rolled down the side of her face.

“No, you were not a mistake. Everything I ever said to you I meant. I really do care about you Meghan, but…”

“But what?” Her lip trembled.

“I love my wife.”

“Well now I understand why you didn’t make love to me last night. It wasn’t because you were tired. It’s because for the first time you actually felt guilty about what you were doing. You make me sick.”

“Meghan, I really am sorry.” He tried to go on, but she cut him off.

“I want you to get your stuff, and get the hell out of my house.”

There was no argument from Chase. He went back into the house, and as quickly as he had come, was gone.

              With that, I brought myself back into reality.

              “I don’t know where he is now, and I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t care.” Meghan looked at me with a sense of intent. “And I know you hate me right now, but I swear to you I had no idea he was married.”

              “I believe you.”

              As she explained it all, it started to make sense. “Him and his friend, they came into the Pier Shack a few months ago. There was just something about him, I felt immediately drawn to him. There was no ring on his hand that night. If there were, I never would’ve started any type of conversation with him. You need to know that. I’m not that type of girl.”

              “I do know that.” I moved closer towards her, sliding my hands along the deck railing.

“He never really told me where he was from or what he did. He joked around a lot with me that if I stuck around long enough maybe I’d find out. I think that was maybe why I liked him so much from the start; he was intriguing. My family had started to become suspicious of his long absences and the fact that he would want to meet just the two of us any place other than here at Kettlewood Island. I had to think of something, so I made up this stupid story about him owning a bunch of stores around the east coast and that he’d fly me to where he was from time to time so I could see what it was he did. I always felt awful lying to them, but I knew they’d just give me a hard time. I knew none of it made sense, and I can’t really explain it: I enjoyed the thrill. However, this weekend, this time, I’d hoped it would lead to more. I’d been building it up in my mind for weeks, since our last meeting, hoping the talk he wanted to have was that he was ready for more.”

“And he wasn’t?” I knew from what she told me about their argument it wasn’t, but I needed to hear it again.

“The last time we were together…” She stopped for a second, squirming in her chair.

“It’s ok, I need to hear it.” I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath as my grip tightened on the railing.

“The last time we were together everything was going so well. We spent the whole night just talking and laughing. I really thought this was going somewhere.” Her voice cut out.

“Your last meeting…where was it?” I’d asked for one reason and one reason only.

“I drove there just for the day, got a hotel and left really early the next morning, I had no idea that…”

“Where was it Meghan?” I demanded.

“We met for drinks one night just a few weekends ago.”

“Answer the question.” An ominous snarl ripped through my now clenched teeth.

“In Charlotte.”

And there it was. The potent smell of a woman’s perfume, the very reason Chase stumbled into our bed in the middle of the night, it wasn’t because he and Alex had got carried away at a bar that night, it was because while his wife was in bed, alone, sleeping, he was out nestled up close to the woman society likes to call his mistress. Intimate getaway weekends were one thing, but bringing this woman into my territory, flaunting her around my town: Chase had some serious balls to be doing that.