Teaching Kids to Think (27 page)

Red Flags That Your Child May Not Be Ready

Notice that there is a sense of resistance with students who aren't ready. Parents tend to feel panicked and try to force the matter, but these students are often just not ready. We repeatedly hear from parents that they need to help their children through their senior year, because they think that once the young person is at college the goal is achieved. In fact, most often if the student is not ready, he or she does not make it through the first year. The student then leaves college, feeling like a failure, and must figure out what to do next. When the red flags are there, other options need to be considered, as well.

How to Prepare Young Adults for What Is Expected after Graduation

Whether you have a child who is ready to take on the world or one who has been hampered by the challenges of the Instant Gratification Generation, it is very important for teens to know what is expected of them as young adults. They are going to be making many choices about the direction they take in life, and it is important that they know there are consequences based on those choices, both positive and negative.

Establish a Monthly Allowance

If your child is heading to a four-year residential college and living in the dorms, the first thing you need to decide is whether she will be getting a monthly allowance, and if so, how much it will be. Under no circumstances should any young adult have an open-ended credit card that is paid for by their parents. Living in the dorms is a great transitional move in this regard because all the expenses of room and board are wrapped together into the school's tuition, room, and board bill. Therefore, you know your child will have a place to live and access to food, even if he or she runs out of spending money.

One of the most common complaints from parents about the transition away from home is about money. This complaint is even more frequent when their children are not required to budget. Let's consider monthly allowance. The amount you decide on should be limited and force your child to budget. The key is to “require” your child to budget. Virtually, all the parents we work with tell their children they need to be careful about their spending and talk with them about the necessity of keeping a budget, but that doesn't stop the spending. Parents need to set a limit and stick to it. When their children begin to complain that it is not enough or that they miss out on things because they don't have the money, tell them to “figure it out.” They will need to decide how to adjust their spending. For example, will they shop less so they can go out more or eat in the cafeteria at the dorms for free (even pack a lunch for later on campus) so they don't spend money on food?

Set Grade Expectations

Students need to know before they begin college what the expectations are around grades. Parents need to be very specific. For example, do they need to maintain a C (maybe B, you know your child) or better in every class? Students need to be reminded that going to college is a privilege. Not everyone attends college, and those who are there need to continue to earn it.

Many students approach college as a way to postpone getting a job. They need to understand before starting college that succeeding there
is
their job and with it comes expectations. Just as with any job, there are going to be challenges and students are going to need help and guidance to deal with those challenges. For example, college coursework is often really difficult. If there is a class that is particularly challenging and there is a risk of the student not meeting the expectation you've set for them, they need to have a conversation with you. And it needs to happen early in the semester, not at the end when they realize they didn't pass the class. Just as employees will go to their boss when they are asked to complete a task they don't know how to do, college students need to talk with their parents about their challenges and propose solutions to make it better. Here is an example.

“Hey, Dad, I just took my first math test and got a D. Math has always been hard for me and I am really worried about this class. I went to the student center to find out about tutoring. They offer some great services but they aren't free. Would you be able to pay for a tutor so I can pass this class?”

Set an expectation that when problems arise, your children must deal with them responsibly and communicate with you accordingly. Then if he or she does not meet your academic expectations, it is not a surprise and you were informed of the ways he or she was taking responsibility. The expectation is not for your children to be perfect students. It is for them to be responsible students. You will find that if you make this clear and have a sample conversation before your child even leaves for college, he or she will be much more open about grades during the semester.

What to Do If Your Child Is Just Not Ready

One afternoon, I received a frantic message from the mother of an eleventh-grade student. It was flagged “urgent.” When I called back, she shared that her son was going to earn a C in his literature class because he still had not turned in a paper that was a major portion of the grade. She had called the teacher to explain that he was working on it the night before and would complete it that day. The teacher responded that her son had several weeks to complete the paper and that the class had already been given a three-day extension. He would not accept the late paper from her son. That was when she called me to ask that I write a letter stating that he should be granted another extension. She told me that he would never get into a “good school,” meaning college, because he was going to have a C on his transcript.

—Dr. Darlene

Experiencing the consequences of making a mistake is essential in helping children and teens learn how to solve problems. Failing to turn the paper in on time could be the result of many things; maybe he did not have the skills to organize himself or he simply did not care about the grade. Either way, it may have been one of many indications that he was not ready to attend an academically challenging college. In fact, despite the tragic C in literature, three years later he was attending a four-year university and I received another call from his mother stating that he was failing his classes and was overdrawing the savings account his parents set up for him. She did not know why he was acting so irresponsibly and wanted my help.

That same week I met with parents of a twelfth-grade student. They said their daughter was earning a D in a history class because she hadn't completed some assignments. The teacher met with this girl and offered her an extension, but she still wasn't doing the work. Her parents were very concerned about what the grade would do to her GPA and her college prospects. They wanted me to call and talk with the teacher. My response was, “She should get a D because that is what she earned. If, as a senior, she needs this much support to complete some work that is easy for her, then she might be showing you she is not ready to do it on her own.”

—Dr. Darlene

If you have a child who is not ready to follow the path to a four-year university right out of high school, there are many options for students to receive higher education. Many parents get stuck on the idea that a traditional four-year college education is the only option after high school graduation. They fear that if their children don't go directly to a four-year institution, the motivation for college will disappear altogether. In fact, there are a lot of resourceful ways to maintain the motivation for higher education.

The first, and most important, thing to do when talking to young adults about higher education is to talk about the options with enthusiasm. Do not present the options with a sense of resignation or disappointment in your voice, such as “Well, if you don't go to a four-year college, you will have to go to a community college.” This makes it sound like it is a weak choice, and that will really dampen any student's motivation and excitement about their prospects.

The second requirement is to identify what they are emotionally, developmentally, and educationally ready for when they graduate from high school. Every college campus is different and each environment offers a different set of supports. It is important to find one that meets the student's needs. Consider the following factors when assessing what type of environment is best for your child.

Educational Readiness

Maturational Readiness

Social Readiness

Once the student's wishes and needs are identified, if a student isn't ready for a rigorous four-year university consider the different educational options. Here are just a few:

Remember, the goal for this generation of emerging adults is to help them plan ahead, make considerate choices, and, ultimately,
to think
. We want to discourage a reaction of resignation when they don't think of a solution right away or if they find their path is different than what they expected. The high school senior in the previous vignette decided to attend a community college with a culinary arts certificate. She also found a school with a dormitory so that she can move away from home and experience independent college life. Before leaving for college, she shared that she was excited about her program and said, “Who knows? I think I might want to get a bachelor's degree after all.” Either way, she is receiving higher education with a goal.