Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (42 page)

Long fingers curled around my hand and I blinked, startled. “You all right?”

I stared into Kaiden’s blue eyes and felt a little like crying at the sight of them. They were so much like Austin’s eyes. So beautiful. So deep. I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

He nodded. “Come with me to get a coffee?”

I blinked again. “Okay.”

He leaned into me. “Mom needs one. She won’t admit it, but she needs something to do. Holding a cup of coffee will make all the difference.”

Glancing at Gracie who was pacing, her hands twisting this way and that, I knew Kaiden was right.

“Sure,” I stood. “Lead the way.”

Kaiden did lead the way. We walked all the way to the cafeteria where we ordered four coffees. When we came back to the waiting room, Gracie and Keith were both surrounded by an air of devastation. I felt my heart beat once. It was heavy and filled with agony.
He couldn’t be . . .

“Mom?” Kaiden asked, his voice croaking. I knew he was afraid of the same thing as me.

Gracie pulled in a deep breath on the tail end of a sharp sob. “They’re keeping him,” her shoulders slumped. “Here.”

The relief I felt was huge. Astronomical. It was so big. I hadn’t said goodbye. None of us had said goodbye. They were keeping him here, but he was still alive.

“He’s still here, Mom,” Kaiden said the words I was thinking. “He’s still with us.”

“But,” her eyes were so red. “He won’t be coming home again.”

“Not yet,” Kaiden argued. “But he’s come home every other time.”

Keith shook his head. “Take a seat, son.”

Kaiden shook his head, gasping. “No,” he fell into the seat anyway. “He’s going to be okay.”

I felt my tears falling down my face, but I hadn’t made a single sound. Gracie moved across the small space between us, where she pulled me into her arms as she sat down on the chair, holding me close in her lap. “I know this isn’t fair, baby girl,” she whispered. “But I want you to know I’m so thankful to you for all that you’ve given to him.”

“What did the Doctors say, Dad?” Kaiden demanded breathlessly.

“He can’t breathe on his own anymore,” his voice was tortured. “He can’t leave.”

“No,” I cried low and Gracie hugged me tighter. I think she held me because she was close to breaking and she needed someone to hold onto. Kaiden was vibrating, and holding him wasn’t possible. He grieved differently.

“We need to stay strong for him,” Keith continued. “When we’re here to see him, we leave out grief outside.”

I nodded, but I was devastated beyond devastation. My mind was numb and yet I was hurting so deeply. Finally, I asked the one question I vowed I would never ask. “How long?”

Gracie hiccupped a sob and clutched me tighter, but I looked right into Keith’s blue eyes. “Less than a month.”

I didn’t have a lot of time left. I knew this in my soul. When I’d first been given the speech of how long I had left, four years ago, I’d been told I had less than two years. I hadn’t believed then. Now, when they said I had a few weeks, I knew they were speaking the truth. I had a few weeks left to live, and again, this is irony. Because the last time I was told I had a clock was in October, exactly four years ago.

I turned twenty-one last month. When I was young, I’d always wanted to spend my birthday in Vegas with my brother. But the takeout Chinese food and red velvet cake Mom and Madison had made were even better. It had been an amazing birthday, because when I went to bed that night, I had her. She was better than all the lights in Vegas. She was brighter.

The hospital door opened and I put on my game face. I wasn’t exactly comfortable, but my family was going through enough pain. They didn’t need to feel mine as well. Mom was here all the time, and Madison was here as much as she could be. She was family too. I was so happy my family treated her as such. I think she’s the reason I held on so long.

I believed, with every fiber of my soul, that she was my divine plan.

My eyes caught sight of Madison and I smiled brightly as she stepped into the room. She was carrying the green journal she brought with her wherever she went. She was beautiful in a pair of leggings and a simple oversized light green sweater and beige scarf.

“Hey, beautiful girl.”

“Hi, handsome,” she smiled, but like it usually did, there was an air of sadness to it. “How are you feeling today?”

“Better now that you’re here.”

She blushed, moving to sit on the edge of my bed. “I brought you something.”

“Really?” I raised a brow. I took a breath before I continued. “A kiss?”

She giggled and I savored the sound. “I think I can sneak one or two in for you.”

My heart pounded hard just at the thought of feeling her lips. “I think you should.”

She leaned in and kissed me gently. I savored that too . . .

When she pulled away, her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “I actually brought you this.” She placed her journal on my lap and I felt my eyes grow wide. “I thought you might like to read it.”

“You’re going to let me read this?”

She smiled. “Yes,” she sighed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I want you to know all that you’ve given to me. It’s all in this.” She tapped the journal. “My thoughts.”

I caught her hand. “I love you, Madison.”

“God,” she shook her head, closing her eyes to keep her tears from falling. “I love you so much, Austin.”

“You can cry,” I assured quietly. No one had cried in front of me. Although they all had tears in their eyes when they came. I wished they would just let themselves feel what they needed to feel.

She shook her head. “No.”

I sighed, “I’m going to stay up so late to read this.”

Her nose was red as she frowned. “You need to sleep.”

“All I need is the people I love, sweetheart,” I squeezed her hand. “I can’t leave here. So I need to get my living in all the ways I can.”

“Austin . . .” She whispered my name. This time, when I saw her tears welling in her eyes, I tugged her to me. She set her head on my shoulder and snuggled close on the tiny bed.

“Cry, Madison,” I said. “I want you to feel. Please, don’t hide your feelings from me.
Don’t hide from me.
”

And then she broke.

Later, when Madison left and Kaiden came, I’d gotten a nap with her in my arms. I was well rested to banter with Kaiden, which seemed to be his way of deflecting his pain this past week.

But today, as soon as he sat down in the chair beside the bed, I knew we wouldn’t be engaging in the pointless bantering. Today, we’d be talking heart to heart—brother-to-brother.

“You son of a bitch,” he said thickly. “Letting this shit beat you.”

I smiled through the pain I felt in my heart. “I made it past my expiration, Kai,”

“Not long enough.”

“I know.”

“We were supposed to do so much.” He rubbed his fingers into the scruff on his jaw. “We were going to spend a year traveling Europe before you started University. We were going to spend your birthday in Vegas and I was going to get you so drunk.” A tear fell from his eye. “I’m supposed to be your best man at your wedding. And fuck, you were supposed to be mine. Who is going to stand beside me now? Who do I have when you go?”

My voice was so deep when I spoke. “Kaiden, I need you to do something for me.”

“What?” He leaned forward. “I’ll do anything.”

I took a breath. “Go to Europe. See everything for me. I’ll be there with you when you do. Heal yourself from my death before you make any big decisions, and don’t let yourself lose Raina. Promise me, if you love her like I think you do, that you’ll find a way to make her be the woman you marry. And I’ll be there with you then too, when you watch her walk toward you, I’ll be there beside you.” I gasped. “And take care of Mom and Dad for me. Give Mom a son who gives her a beautiful daughter in law who will give her even more beautiful grandbabies. Because I can’t give that to her anymore.” He was crying hard now, his shoulders were shaking violently as he nodded, taking my every word to heart. “And be there for Madison. She’s family now. Watch over her. Be there when she needs a brother. Support her and make sure she keeps living. For me. Because in her heart is where I know I’m going to live.”

I read her entire journal and I fell in love with her all over again.

When I was finished reading through all her words, I’d gone through so many emotions, I was exhausted. But as I closed the cover of the green journal and held it in my lap, I felt something that I had never felt before. Never like this. Never to this intensity. There were five letters in Madison’s journal. They were addressed as followed: Mom, Dad, Kai, Raina, Madison—the love of my life.

Feeling the weight of these letters and the last visits I had from each of these people who truly owned my heart, I felt relief.

It was peace.

I was completely at peace with my life, my death, and myself.

I felt it—I was ready.

When I closed my eyes I knew I’d lived my every purpose. I was finished. My mission on this earth was complete.

My soul lifted from my body—and I felt pure.

Peace.