Tanya Tania (24 page)

She made me sit at my desk and then she sat on the bed but then she jumped up and began to pace up and down, up and down my room. At one point she picked up my old doll and then she walked up and down with the doll. It would have been funny if I hadn't been so scared.

Then she sat down again and…get this…she started crying! My mom! Crying! I had seen my mom cry once and that was when Sammy had broken his leg as a kid. That's it. I've never seen my mom cry. I've seen my dad cry millions of times but I've never seen my mom cry.

She put her face in her hands and just cried and cried and cried. ‘I'm so sorry,' she kept saying. ‘I'm so sorry, T.' It's been years since she called me that.

So here's the story: remember when I called Arjun over and did the bargain with him? About the six times? In the balcony? Well, I had forgotten that my parents room also opens out to the balcony because they never leave that door open. But that day she had. And she overheard. She heard everything. She heard the things I was willing to do, she heard him ask for them, she heard me say all the things I wanted him to take back, she heard him bargain.

And then she went to school and told the Principal. She forced the Principal to call Arjun to the office. I mean she didn't say that but I know my Principal and I know my mother and I'm telling you that's what happened. And when Arjun went to the office, my mom interrogated him in front of the Principal. Arjun is dumb as shit. He tried to lie but of course he didn't stand a chance with my mom.

She told the Principal that either she expels Arjun or my mom will file a case against Arjun and the school. But she said that the Principal might have expelled him anyway because there have been lots of other complaints.

She finished. Her head was in her hands and she was like sobbing. I was so stunned I didn't know what to say. I guess I was still thinking about the fact that my mom knew I had had sex. My mom knew the things everyone at school was saying about me. My mom knew the things I had promised to do for Arjun for those six times.

‘Why didn't you tell me?' she asked.

I wanted to tell her that the thought of telling her hadn't even occurred to me. That I had thought of telling my father but that I didn't think he would have been able to handle it. I wanted to tell her that if I had thought of telling her, I would have thought that she would have hit me.

I started crying. My mom pulled me into her arms and she cried some more. I smelled her around me, the starch in her sari, her perfume, her shampoo, the slight whiff of sweat from her armpits. I loved all of it.

My mom and I sat there and cried together for a long time. My mom looks beautiful when she cries. My mom is beautiful and I want to be beautiful like her. I told her that and she said that she is not beautiful all the time. I agreed with her in my head but I didn't say it.

My mom asked me if it had hurt with Arjun and I told her no. She asked me if I used protection and I was so glad I had. And Tanya, you know what, if it hadn't been for you and Nusrat, I wouldn't have. So thank you man. She started crying again and I told her it hadn't been bad at all. I told her he had been really sweet. I don't think she believed me.

It all seems so far away now, that night. I can't believe it happened. I know it had been good…it had right? But was it worth it? It would have been if he hadn't been such an asshole about it. I mean even if he had just broken up with me, I think I would have still not regretted it. But nothing was worth the last month. Nothing.

My mom asked me why being popular in school was so important to me. I asked her why working so hard at her job was so important to her. She pulled my nose and said that that is what paid for everything in our house. She was going to add that my father didn't make any money but I gave her a look and she didn't.

I told her that I felt like that was what I was good at. And then you know what she said? She said I was like light.

I'm like embarrassed to write it. My mom thinks I am like light. She said I am her light.

I mean I don't totally believe her now but I believed her then when she was saying it. I also totally got why my dad is still so in love with her. So fida over her. When my mom sets out to convince you about something, you want to get convinced. She's just like that.

We sat like that for a long time together. I heard the front door open and close and I knew that Nusrat had left. I wished she could have seen us like that. I wished she had a phone in her house so I could call her and tell her what had happened.

I wanted to ask my mom many things. I wanted to ask her why she and my dad were fighting so much. I wanted to ask her if she really thought I couldn't have a good life if I went to college in Bombay. I wanted to ask her if she loved Sammy more than me. I wanted to ask her if she and my dad would ever get a divorce.

In the end I didn't ask her anything. We just stayed like that until it got dark and then my mom got up to switch on the lights. If she hadn't done that, I would still be sitting there on my bed with her, in her lap, surrounded by her smell, surrounded by her sari, breathing in her hair and rubbing my cheek against her, feeling her heartbeat against mine, so steady, so sure.

I take back every mean thing I've ever said about my mother Tanya. Just take a black marker and erase all of them for me from my letters please? I never meant them. You knew that right?

Of course you did. You're super clever. And you don't get swayed by things stupid people say. You're super mature. You always knew I didn't mean any of that stuff. You always knew I love my mom. Did you know she loves me too? I wouldn't be surprised if you did. You're smarter than anyone I know except Nusrat. And you know what, Tanya Talati, I kind of love you.

Love,

Tania

November 30, 1992

Karachi

Dear Tania,

Wow, it sounds like everything has been sorted out in your life. How lovely for you.

I'm not surprised at your mother. I always thought you underestimated her. But please don't presume, based on your saccharine life, to understand mine. You don't know me, you don't know my mother, you don't know anything.

I thought I would let you know that my mother has finally decided to move back to America. I think that means she is going to divorce my father but I'm not sure as she hasn't said anything on that count.

They are selling the house. My mother said if he sells the house and gives her half the money she won't ask for any financial support ever again. So they're selling the house. The house I've lived in ever since we came back from America.

My father is going to buy a smaller house. Bibi will go with him. The last I heard, Chhoti Bibi has got a job in another house. I haven't seen her in a few days. She hasn't come to my room. I think she is done with her experiment of me.

My mother is going to go live in my grandparents' house in Boston. She is only taking clothes and photographs from here. Nothing else. Nothing else at all.

I called Navi to tell him all of this. He already knew. My father had called him and told him. I live in the same house as him and I had to hear his plans from my brother who is not in the same city. Navi plans to live with him and attend Aga Khan. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I was going to go to college in America. He asked me what I will do if I don't get in. I don't know. Neither my father nor my mother have asked me that.

In case you are wondering, my mother has disappeared again. I don't go into her room anymore. I don't like to look at her anymore. I hate her tears. I hate the shape of her body under the covers.

I've sent off all my applications. Logically, I'd be surprised if I didn't get into at least one college. And the way things are now, no one will object even if I go to a safety school. All my father cares about is not having to pay.

I think it's time for us to stop this silly letter-writing. It seems we have come to a natural parting of ways. Let's not draw things out until they become awkward and painful.

I wish you the best of luck in your life, Tania. I hope your life continues to be happy and fortunate. And Nusrat. Please tell Nusrat that I wish her the best. That I have nothing but admiration for her.

Khuda Hafiz,

Tanya

December 6, 1992

Bombay

Dear Tanya,

Are you on crack? What's wrong with you? Why aren't you picking up the phone?

Look, I know you're depressed but you're being stupid. I know things are like really bad for you at home but why are you trying to break up with me?

Where's Ali? Did you fight with him? Did you break up with him too? What happened? I like Ali. I mean he's gay but I like him.

My parents are back to ignoring me mostly because they are fighting about this Hindutva stuff all the time. There are these things called Kar Sevaks and my mom says they're bad and my dad says what's wrong with having a little practice of Hinduism and then they begin to fight about that mosque and temple business. My mom hasn't said a word about college applications though so I think I'm staying in Bombay! Yay!

School is getting better. Did I tell you my big strategy? My big strategy is to act like nothing happened and like I don't care. It's not easy man. Stupid Soumya is acting like she's the new queen. As if a short little, fat little gremlin could ever replace me. But let her have her fun. Sooner or later, she's going to say something really stupid or do something really stupid or most likely, wear something really stupid and then that will be the end of her. I don't even have to do anything. I just have to wait for a repeat of her zebra crossing shirt with the tiger print tights.

Neenee has been pretty cool. For a while she didn't know what to do. Whether to ignore me along with everyone else or to like take advantage of the big hole in my social life and try to get more time with me. But now she hangs out with me and brings me gossip and tells me what everyone is saying. I think this whole fiasco has raised her social profile.

I'm focusing a lot on training the younger kids in sports. All sports. Soccer, basketball, gymnastics. Running. High jump. Long jump. It's actually been a lot of fun. I don't know whether they've heard the rumours about me or not but they don't seem to care. I mean they're kids, they'll run after any senior who gives them attention. And I am the girl Sports Captain of the school you know. There's this one kid Leila, she's great. She's so gutsy and she's really, really fast. And she picks things up really quickly. I wish she was in my house.

You know what's funny is that the Sports coach—the girls' Sports coach I mean—used to hate me. I mean like she would always find a reason to yell at me. So anyway, she's been seeing me spending time coaching the juniors and today she actually talked to me. Like not yelled at me. Talked to me. You know, about the girls. She also thinks Leila has a lot of potential.

I'm going to end this here because I want to post this quickly. I'll try you calling you again tonight.

Love,

Tania