Tangled Thoughts (9 page)

“She's not as bad as you think.”

“She's the devil in a dress, Carter!”

“Then maybe I'm not as good as you think.”

“Carter…” I went to turn away, but she caught my arm and held it. “Hey, c'mon. I'm sorry. She and I…well, you know.”

“She helped keep you from being expelled last year.”

“I know,” Amy said. “And I appreciate that. But she didn't do it for me.”

And there she was again, Lainey. Right there in between everything, even Amy and Lex. I blew out a breath. All around us were friends and familiar faces, laughing, joking. Happy. “Speaking of, I should go find her.”

“Hey.” Amy's voice softened and the corners of her pretty lips turned down. She was still holding my arm and her eyes searched mine. “How are
you
? Are you happy?”

A genuine question deserved a genuine answer. The fact was this: “I don't know.”

“Oh, Penrose.”

Her eyes got this wet shimmer, like she might cry for me. She hugged me again, and I hugged her back, but this was my time to exit. Once again our conversation had devolved into pity. It was worse than on the phone—I could
see
it. Hell, I bet others could too. Some of the other kids were sure to be watching us. Funny how I'd never been concerned about that before. Everything about me had grown pathetic.

Alexis emerged from the woods then, saving me from searching for her. Her cheeks were pink and eyes glassy. Her arm was slung around her cousin, Mandi, who was probably the only freshman brave enough to come to the alumni bonfire.

“I really do have to go,” I said to Amy, who released me and followed my gaze. Her expression turned dour.

“Me too. The other way. I…” We hung in a moment of awkward, something we'd never had before. There was a line; I'd crossed it. Alexis was waiting for me on the other side. Finally, Amy just said, “Bye, Penrose. It was good to see you.”

I kissed her head. “Stay out of trouble.”

She laughed. “Too late for you, huh? See you.” She waved and was gone, melting back into the crowd.

They were giggling when I got to them. “Hi Carter!” Mandi trilled. She clung to Lex, arms around her waist, big smile on her perfect little face. Her eyes were huge and glassy. I nodded at her and kept my distance. Mandi was dangerous, too young and too pretty and too unstable. I hadn't forgotten what she did to Amy and Caleb last year, and I didn't excuse it. “We were in the wooooddsss!” She dissolved into more giggles.

“I can see that.”

“Hey, baby.” That was Lex, big eyes and big smile a mirror of her little cousin's. She dragged Mandi with her until we were a threesome.
She threw an arm around me, put her face close to mine. “Having fun?”

“Not as much as you.” It was colder away from the fire, but I didn't think they felt it.

“You should have come with!” Mandi said. “Lex says you could use it.” My eyes snapped hard in her direction, but then she was squealing, “Patch!!” and tearing away from Alexis to take up the same position at the side of a junior douchebag.

“Really?” I said to Alexis.

“What?” She grinned and snuggled closer.

“You took your freshman cousin with impulse control problems ‘into the woods.'”
Into the woods
was code for a lot of things at North-brook. There were a lot of things you could do out there, away from supervision.

Lex nuzzled into my neck. “You
should
have come with us, then you wouldn't care.”

I pushed my hand through my hair, took a deep breath and let it out, trying not to let her goading work. I thought again how different a year could be. I never thought I'd be here, with Alexis, like this. But I wanted to. It felt both wrong and good, and somehow that combination felt even better. “Did you miss me?” Lex kissed my chin and batted her eyelashes as we inserted ourselves back into the mix around the fire.

“I talked to Amy.” She was just at the edge of where we could see her, talking and laughing with people that, a year ago, I'd have been talking and laughing with too.

“How's that skank doing?”

“Don't.”

“Sorry. Old habit. I don't even think she's a skank, not really.”

“She's not.”

“She's more like a bitch.”

I sighed. “She thinks the same of you.”

Lex smiled. “So how's that bitch doing?”

“Pretty great.”

“Yeah?” She blew out a breath. “Then how's the other
skank
doing?”

My arm locked around her. “Lex.”

“What? It's obvious you talked about her.”

Was it? “She's not—”

“A skank. Sure. Of course she's not. She's a saint.”

“What the fuck, Lex? Are you
trying
to pick a fight?” I tugged on my hair again. I was more conscious of doing it, now that it was so short, but I couldn't stop myself either.

She leaned in, mischief in her eyes as she planted a kiss on the edge of my jaw. “Maybe. You're sexy as hell when you're angry, you know. I might just want to take you to the Cove.”

I exhaled a long breath. “I'm ready to leave.”

“Wait,” she said softly, into my collar. “Sorry, babe. Really.” She kissed at my chin again. “I'm sorry.”

“Okay.”

“I just wanted one night where she didn't intrude.”

Here? As if that was possible. Besides which: “
You
brought her up.”

Her mouth opened like she was ready to snap at me, before realization settled in. She giggled, nuzzling into me and looking up with glassy eyes. “I did, didn't I? My bad.” We stood there for a moment, before Lex laughed again. “C'mon, let's mingle! I haven't even said hi to some of these assholes!”

I laughed and instead of what I always said—no—I agreed. “Lead the way, m'lady.”

I
S
LEPT
L
ATE
the next morning, from some combination of exhaustion and content. I'd run forever the day before, stayed up late, and didn't
have
to get up. So I didn't. The lure of my own bed, in my own room, in my own house was undeniable. Even after I woke up, I laid there a while, watching the familiar pattern of shadows change with the growing daylight. I watched Alexis for a while too. All the calculation she carried while awake, her style and precision, disappeared while she was asleep. She looked younger, more innocent. I liked it. It reminded me…

I stood up, fast. The bed shook and the floor creaked where my feet slapped it. Next to where I'd just been, Alexis stirred but didn't wake. With more care for quiet, I slipped on a shirt and out into the hall. Aunt Mel was at the kitchen table.

“Hey.”

“Did you have fun last night?” she asked, taking a sip of coffee and pretending she hadn't been waiting for me.

“Actually…yeah. I didn't hate it.” I poured my own coffee and helped myself to a muffin before I sat across from her. God I had missed these muffins. It was apple cinnamon and still warm. She must have gotten up early to make a fresh batch. I ate it in three bites.

Aunt Mel smiled. “So are you sorry you never went to one before?”

Was I? “No. But I'm not sorry I went to one now.” I helped myself to another muffin. “How were sales?”

“Not as good as last year, but strong.”

It was strange even asking that question, worrying about the store but not being actively involved day-to-day. I couldn't decide if it made me sad or proud that it was still standing, without my holding it up every day. My whole life had been Penrose Books, even before I was old enough to read. What did it mean when your whole life kept running without you? That you'd helped prepare it well, or that you hadn't been that important to begin with? I didn't want to think about that.

“It's not the same without you, you know.” It was like Aunt Mel could read my thoughts.

“How could it be?” I said and grinned before I ate the last half of my muffin. She punched me in the shoulder, but she was smiling too. Dad's smile. I thought I wouldn't think of him as much, now that I didn't spend my days surrounded by things that reminded me of him, like his sister. But I did. Whenever I looked in the mirror.

I'd always known we looked enough alike for it to be obvious, but I never used to see him in my reflection. Not until my heart was broken. Dad had worn heartache like a shroud my whole life. I'd hated it because it was my fault; I took my mother from him just by being born. And now that I understood, I hated it more.

“I mean it though,” Aunt Mel continued. For a second, I'd forgotten she was there. “No one will ever find books as fast as you. Or read so many. Did you see the galleys I left in your room?” I nodded. Of course I did. I'd already packed the ones I wanted to take and rearranged the rest in the boxes under my bed. A funny thing about selling books: you drowned in ones you got for free. “Nonfiction is down without you,” she added.

“I thought you were trying to cheer me up.”

“I thought a trip to Dad's would do that,” she countered. It would, but I shook my head. Aunt Mel darted a look over my shoulder, down the hall toward my room, and came around the table to hug my shoulders. “Not ready for that step yet, huh?”

I shook my head again. I couldn't. Not Dad's Diner, not with Lex. Not to the place I'd only ever taken Lainey. “Not yet,” I said. Maybe never. Aunt Mel let me go so she could grab the coffee pot to warm my mug and hers. She sat back down with the sugar bowl and stirred.

“Do you think she'll be here at all this weekend?” Obviously she wasn't talking about Lex.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Do you want her to be?”

Did I? No. Yes.
No
. I caught myself just before touching the skin below my eye. I let my hand continue up to run through my hair instead, even though I was trying to break that habit. It felt good.

I didn't want to lie to Aunt Mel, or to myself, so I said, “Maybe?” My voice sounded too hopeful and I hated it. I wanted not to want to see her, but I did. Want to. “I hope—”

My door opened and shut, releasing a bleary-eyed Alexis into the kitchen a few seconds later. I wondered if she'd been listening, for how long and how much she heard. She didn't look like it though. She looked groggy and hung over, if that was the right word for it. I wasn't worried Aunt Mel would disapprove. She wasn't like that. She'd already forgiven Alexis for plenty of her less than stellar behavior in the past. Also, I was pretty sure she'd visited the woods with her friends many times.

“Good morning.” Alexis yawned. “What's the matter, babe?” I dropped my hand from my head to around her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

“Nothing. I was waiting for you before I went downstairs.”

She nodded absently, and Aunt Mel smiled. “Can I get you something, sweetie? Looks like you had more fun than Carter last night.”

“Always.” She flashed her perfect, white smile. “Coffee sounds really good, thanks. Ooh, are those muffins?”

I hesitated to leave Lex alone with my aunt, but there was nothing either could say that they didn't already know about me. It felt good to spend the day in the store. I'd meant to stay out of the way and poke around in the background, but by noontime I was immersed in my old routines. Busy at work, for the first time all weekend, I relaxed.

Nothing had changed. Penrose Books was still mine. I still fit here. I still
wanted
to be here. For the first time in months, the dogging
worry that I would leave and everything would change, was quiet. I felt good. I felt
home
.

The bell over the door jingled and in spilled Lex with an entourage of girls nearly but not quite as beautiful as her and cups from Anderson's. I smiled. No, things hadn't changed, but then again, they had. When Lex saw me, she scampered over, kissing me roundly and without an ounce of apology. She looked glossy and fresh, all traces of her exploits of the night before gone.

“Hey, babe. It's sooo nice out today, like a real fall weekend, finally. I brought you this, figured you'd need one by now.” She stuck a coffee into my hand and kissed me again before flitting away in a whirl of dark hair and confidence. Lex settled in the lounge with Brooke Barros and some of her other friends who hadn't graduated. The next time I passed by, they called to me.

“Hey, Carter!”

“We missed you!”

“Why don't you come stoke my fire?”

I obliged.

I had missed this. Really missed this. Yet, as I settled more wood in the fireplace and bantered with the girls, I felt suddenly shitty, realizing that. I'd missed the store, and my family, and my
life
, but I'd missed, too, the feeling I wouldn't have named before: of being a big fish. This was my pond. I'd jumped into a much bigger one, an ocean, and found I barely knew how to swim.

No one liked drowning. No one liked realizing they craved the attention of a captive audience either. I thought of it for the first time, how I was getting older but the students weren't. Collectively, they'd always be no more than eighteen. I was almost twenty-one. I felt at once too-old and foolishly young. When I left the girls in the lounge, I kept my smile in place, but it lacked the ease it used to have.

And for the first time, I felt ready to leave, to go back to DC.

Lainey

T
he next week, I glided into my seat in discussion next to Serena right on time, not a second early, and spent most of the hour with my eyes trained on my notebook. It was possibly the longest hour of the entire semester. I'd thought about skipping outright, but I couldn't do it forever, and besides, I didn't like skipping. It made me feel guiltier than…whatever I felt about Jack.

When it was finally over and time to pass around our previous assignments, I barely looked at the stack before pulling mine off the top and passing it on. I was ready to dash out of the room until I was distracted by the bright pink sticky note covering the grade on my assignment. For the first time, it read: