Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. (5 page)

I will say that as sucky as it is to open all
those toys, it's super entertaining to watch my husband try to put the stuff
together.  Just seeing him trying to read the instruction manual is like
watching a Jim Carrey comedy. “Hold on a second honey – I'm going to make some
popcorn.”

Decide immediately whether you will be telling
people what you plan on naming your baby and stick to it!  Let them know right
away if you do not want to divulge that information before baby arrives.  If
you don't put people in their place they will be up your ass every day for that
sacred tidbit.  You could always tease them and just give them the letter his
or her name starts with, but that may be worse.......  Madison? Madeline?
Maryanne? Mabel? At every family function.  Every day at work.  Who knows, maybe
your one of those people who enjoys feeling like pulling their hair out.   If
that’s the case, then just go for it.

As soon as you have your baby the whole world is
going to start asking you when you are having another one.  You will literally
be cringing from your brand new vaginal stitches and your great grandmother
will be putting on the pressure.  They don't think about what you just went
through, what you're about to go through, or about your hospital deductible. 
Now that you've made your extended family larger by one you will officially be
considered the new baby factory.  It's been a year and a half for me and I
currently have zero desire to put my body through all of that again.  They say
you forget the pain, but I'm not quite convinced of that yet.  I've allowed
them to ask me again when my son turns five.  Maybe by then I'll be willing to
have my vagina torn to shreds again.

When you have a child, especially a brand new
baby, driving becomes beyond stressful.  You will begin to realize that every
single other person on the road with you is a complete and utter moron with a
death wish.  Everyone will annoy the crap out of you and you'll be giving
mental middle fingers to them all.  The fact that it took until you had
precious cargo in your car to realize this is amazing, since these days between
drivers texting and cars equipped with DVD players and touch screen navigation
systems the whole world extremely distracted behind the wheel.

Please do not become that mom with the never
ending thread of social network status updates every time there is poop, vomit
or spit up. Also avoid posting every single detail of your day. It’s annoying
and honestly nobody cares that your kid was crying for a snack at 3am. Pictures
and updates about milestones are great. Bombarding all of your single and
childless friends with tedious details of life with your baby is kind of sucky
of you.

Going Broke

I'm sure you are aware of the financial burden
that having a child puts on your bank account.  You now have to constantly buy
diapers, formula, baby food and snacks.  You need to clothe and bathe your
little one.  You need a highchair, a booster seat, a pack and play and an
endless supply of baby wipes.  You will be loading your packages in to your car
in complete shock with your jaw dropped to the ground at the dent your little shopping
adventure just left on your wallet. All of the extra spending is inevitable. 
Maternity leave for eight to twelve weeks is nice, but not so nice if you work
for a small company and you don't get paid for it. Returning to work is great
for your finances but the day care expenses you will be gaining are not.  Maybe
you returned to work only part time to avoid day care, but then you're making
less money.  You will prepare as best as you can, but I guarantee it will still
be quite a shock to your system. 

It's a good thing my husband and I got that
Target credit card. It's nice knowing we're saving that extra 5% since we find
the need to go there EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Go ahead, laugh.  Target will suck you
in also. You think you just  needed to pick up paper towels until you walk out
$200 poorer with a cart full of crap that you probably don't need. I really
shouldn't say that.  I need everything that Target has to offer.   In fact, I
think I will head over there now......

Those save $1.00 on a box of diapers coupons are
crap.  Wow, a $46.00 box for $45.00!  What a steal!! I think I'll save my
energy clipping that coupon. Hey diaper company, throw a mommy a $10.00 off or
free wipes with purchase coupon every once in a while.  Don't they know that
the average baby goes through 4,000 diapers in a year? With the millions of
mommies out there, you'd think they could afford us just a little bit of
salvation every once in a while. Jerks.

As soon as baby comes you begin to stress about
every dollar you spend. Suddenly while you’re out doing your weekly grocery
shopping you have this voice in your head saying “You don't need that loaf of
bread. Put down that cheese.  You know your baby will outgrow her pajamas
overnight and you will need to buy her new ones tomorrow.” Shame on you if you
don't have the extra cash to get those pajamas in the next size.  Then all
extra spending stops.  No more movies. (Like you had time for that now anyway.) 
No more manicures.  No more massages.  One of each of those luxuries will pay
for about 12 minutes of college in 18 years. So save those bucks now because
you just know your kid is going to be a doctor someday and you are the one that
is going to be paying for that million dollar Ivy League education.

There is nothing more depressing to think about
than Life Insurance. But now that you have that little bundle of joy, it’s all
you care about. Immediate paranoia sets In that you are going to get hit by a
bus the next day and your poor child will be left motherless and poor.  So you
make that appointment.  You have the physical as part of the process.  You get
your Life Insurance and your baby is protected.  Then, for some reason you
still think about every single horrible scenario that could occur. Every day. 
All the time.  Congratulations!  You and your husband have Life Insurance and
as a bonus gift you get to obsess about how you are going to die for the rest
of your life.  

First baby?  Find out if your insurance provider
will pay for any home care nurse visits.  If they do include them in your
policy take it! It is a fantastic service if it is afforded to you – especially
if you're first time parents.  Some homely lady will come over and take your
babies measurements, teach you all about feeding, breastfeeding, bathing your
little one, and caring for the umbilical cord stump until it falls off.  Also,
if you have a boy she will educate you about caring for his circumcision, (if
he had one) which is quite scary when you first see the wound.  It actually is
kind of nice to have someone visit and teach you something that you need to
know rather than just ogle over your little bundle of joy and bring you
casseroles. 

If you are a formula mom find a place to store
all of the empty plastic powder containers because you are going to find
yourself keeping all of them.  You are certain you will use them to organize
something someday..... Right?  I absolutely do have a stash of them, along with
a stash of empty snack tubes.  I honestly don't know what I am going to do with
them, but right now I just cannot bring myself to get rid of them.  Please
don't contact that Hoarders television show on me.  I promise that my
collection of formula containers is nothing compared to my husband’s collection
of video games.

For The Boys

 If your husband or partner has not seen one of
those gory, real life delivery videos I suggest  he watch one.  A little bit of
preparation for the shear amount of blood involved in childbirth is better than
none at all and the last thing you need is the only person you actually want
there with you during the whole ordeal passed out on the floor or vomiting
courtesy of their queasy stomach.  While my husband did not pass out, he came
really close and the first thing he says to anyone when we re-live our labor
story is “I had no idea how bloody it would be!  It was gross and nauseating.”

There's no doubt about it.  Your husband is
going to have a sympathy baby.  Probably a fifteen pounder.  The fact that he
has developed a little bubble gut is no doubt going to upset him, but you'll
get a teeny giggle out of it and in all honestly it will help you feel a little
less like a big fat troll. See, the husbands can be helpful.

Swaddling is adorable.  Wrapping up those little
bundles of joy up like little baby burritos is the cutest thing on earth, but
most guys cannot swaddle for crap!  They make an attempt and those babies look
what’s the word..... sloppy.  Learn to swaddle before baby comes and teach your
husband to do it properly. Make him practice practice practice.  If it's not
happening, get those sleep sacks.  They may very well be the greatest baby
invention of our time.

Guys – Let’s talk push presents.  It's a great
concept.  Husband buys his wife a gift for carrying and having his child.  It
is usually presented in the hospital while wife is feeling at her absolute
worst, all decked out in the finest of hospital gowns, vagina throbbing.  It is
usually something sparkly like a ring or a necklace. Jewelry is great.  Women
love jewelry. Women love to sparkle.  But the single greatest push present you
can get for your wife is a housekeeper.  A solid month (at least) of not having
to clean up after  you and your giant messes along with baby poop, extra
laundry, 2am feedings, and extreme exhaustion will make your lady happy. And we
all know the saying, “happy wife, happy life.” If you are feeling extra
generous go for the housekeeping and a big sparkly diamond. What’s up husband
of the year!!

You're Welcome

And there you have it ladies.  Just about one
hundred little tidbits that you may find helpful, useful or funny.  I hope that
you laughed a little bit because I did.  I laughed during my experience….Except
for the actual pushing part, because that kind of sucked. And I laughed again
re-living it here for you.  You might think that you already knew everything
there was to know thanks to those extremely famous books.  Like I said, those
books are fantastic.  I just wish they gave me a better sense of reality. 

Whether you are in the early stages of
pregnancy, or about to pop that little one out – heck even if you have been a
mother for 10 years already - I hope you were able to relate to my tales.  I
know that there are many more to come, and I look forward to sharing them with
you.

Enjoy your babies – every minute of every day.