Tales from the Land of Ooo (4 page)

And what he saw blew his frozen mind! He saw a whole torrent of crazy kung fu Finn the adventurer practice action! He even saw Finn karate chop
—KA-POW—
one villain completely in half!

“Oh my. This is so horrible and gruesome!” Ice King said. “Finn just murdered a guy! That little human seems to have changed his approach to fighting evil.”

The Ice King ducked back behind the target of himself. “Oh no. If Finn’s murdering villains, that means I’m next!”

BACK TO THE ACTION!!!

“Your daughter,” Finn cried out as he rained down kicks on the Hunson Abadeer target, “is so remarkably rad that I
almost
feel bad sneaker stomping you like this!

“I’m legendary for putting Liches…,” Finn said, swinging his sword and chopping off the Lich’s wooden head, “
in stiches
!”

Finn landed and rolled. When he stood, he saw a wasteland of defeated wooden villains. And now only one target remained.

The Ice King.

“I think,” Finn yelled, raising his sword, “it’s time to put you
on ice
!”

And with that, Finn spun, ducked, and came up swinging at the wooden target of the Ice King. But Finn—who was used to the ice bolt–blasting, Fridjitzu master, real-life version of the Ice King—was thrown off by how
easy
it was. So when Finn swung, he totally whiffed and went sprawling into the grass!

“Hey, dude, you just whiffed like a big lame-o,” Jake said. “But don’t worry, I’ll handle this one.”

Jake’s foot began a windup motion, building up power and power and more power, and then—
BAM!
—he unleashed a long, rubbery,
turbo-power kick
at the wooden Ice King.

“KA-KRUNCH!!”
Jake’s foot said—’cause Jake’s foot is AWESOME, and if it could talk, it would say things like
KA-KRUNCH!!
—and his foot flew right
through
the Ice King target and into the
real
Ice King, who was still cowering on the other side.

“
KA-POW!!!
” Jake’s foot said as it nailed the Ice King right in his big blue belly. Jake’s foot was clearly feeling pretty talkative.

“What the what?” Finn exclaimed. “It’s the REAL Ice King!”

“Get away, get away!” the Ice King shouted. “You’re not heroes! You’re horrible and vicious killers!”

And then he ran like crazy back to the Ice Kingdom, moving in the stupid, goofy way an injured, gut-kicked little Ice King does. Finn and Jake had big stupid grins on their faces as they watched him go.

“You know what I think?” Jake said.

“What?” Finn asked.

“I think we are back on our game, dude!”

FIST BUMP!!!

Oh yeah, and then Jake also said, “And, dude, I think your action fatality puns need a little work…‘Liches in stiches’? C’mon now.”

THE END!

The Ice King held
it
up to the light.
It
was small and pink, and it had taken the Ice King
forever
to get.
It
was…

A single piece of magical potionlicious bubblegum!

“Oh yes,” the Ice King said, laughing wickedly. “This magical potionlicious bubblegum will allow me to blow the biggest bubblegum bubble in history! I won’t need to kidnap Princess
Bubblegum…she’ll keel over right on the spot. Keel over
with desire
!

“Right, Gunter?” the Ice King said to the penguin closest to him.

“Wak.”

“Exactly!” the Ice King said, giggling wildly. “Just need to throw on a few dabs of Randy Glacier cologne, so I’m prepared when the princess lovin’ begins.”

The Ice King very carefully and very delicately set the magical potionlicious bubblegum piece down on the arm of his ice throne and disappeared into the bathroom.

Moments later, he came back, covered in the confident stink of love anticipation.

“And now it’s time for—hey…HEY.
HEY!
Where’d my magical potionlicious bubblegum go?” the Ice King said, confused.

It was gone!

Panic-stricken, the Ice King spun about, looking everywhere. Then his eyes locked on
them.
All his many penguins—each of them lovingly named Gunter. And they all stared back at him with their big dumb penguin eyes.

“Gunters…did you do something with Daddy’s magical potionlicious bubblegum?”

The Gunters stayed silent.

“Did you swallow my magical potionlicious bubblegum?” the Ice King shouted, pointing a long bony finger at the closest penguin.

“Wak,” Gunter replied.

“Was it you, Gunter?” the Ice King said, kneeling down in front of one Gunter. “Are you mad because I use you like a TV stand when I play video games?”

“Wak.”

“Or maybe it was you, Gunter?” the Ice King said, picking up a different penguin. “Are you still sore over that little comment about your weight? That I called you Daddy’s Little Fatty? Eh?”

“Wak.”

“Argh! You—you—
you
—
Gunters
!!!!”

“Wak,” some other Gunters replied.

The Ice King collapsed into his icy throne and put his head in his hands. “Do you know what I went through to get that magical potionlicious bubblegum? Do you have any idea of the horrible, awful things I had to do? Well, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say—I mean—
bad
things…I still feel unclean.”

All of the many penguins continued to stare at the Ice King with their deceivingly cute penguin eyes.

For a long while, the Ice King sat on his throne, thinking. How could he determine which penguin had stolen his gum?
I’m smart
, the Ice King thought.
I should be able to figure this out. I know! I’ll send them all on a trip! A
guilt
trip…

The Ice King kneeled down, talked very softly and sweetly, and pretended to be very sad—which was not that tough because the Ice King is a generally glum and gloomy guy. “Gunter.
Gunters
. My many, many Gunters,” the Ice King began. “I’ve given you a home…you many Gunters have become my army. My army…of friends. My army of best friends…”

The Ice King then quickly followed that up with, “Not counting Finn and Jake.”
¹

“Well, my best friends,” the Ice King continued, “I really, truly hope you can find it in your cold
penguin hearts to return my piece of magical potionlicious bubblegum. I’m going to turn around now and count to three. I don’t even care who took it as long as it’s returned.”

The Ice King turned his back and began counting.

“One…

“Two…

“Three…”

And when he turned back, there was still no magical potionlicious bubblegum.

“Argh!” the Ice King bellowed.

He grabbed the nearest Gunter, held it upside down, and shook it furiously. “Come out, come out, come out!” the Ice King said as he shook Gunter after Gunter after Gunter.

But no magic gum was revealed.

The Ice King huffed off into the corner. “Use
your brain, guy. You’re a king. What would Finn and Jake do? They’d probably say something hip and ironic like
trigonomical
or
scientific
! They’re so
cool
and
hip
with their math—”

And the Ice King stopped cold.

“Wait—
math
!”

Suddenly, with furious speed, the Ice King got to work. His hands moved in flashes, manipulating the H
₂
0 particles in the air—he was forming,
building, and constructing like an ice
boss.