Taking What's His (Entangled Brazen) (12 page)

And then he kissed her again.

Chapter Fourteen

An hour later, Lydia curled up with Holt in bed and yawned. After what they’d just done, she’d be limping for a few days, to say the least. But she’d be limping with a huge smile on her face. And maybe a sore butt cheek…

But again. Totally worth it.

She stared at her phone, nibbling on her lower lip. She’d finally come to a decision…mostly. She wasn’t going to take the job in Delaware. Yes, it was a wonderful opportunity. One she was lucky to have. But she didn’t want to live in Delaware.

Didn’t want to leave her family.

Steven had been overseas fighting for the past five years, and she’d barely seen him during that time, had never known if he was alive or dead…or worse, captured. Now he was back, and he wasn’t going anywhere. So why would she want to move away and miss out on being with him? He was the only family she had left. She didn’t want to
leave
him, no matter how great the opportunity might be.

Plus, even though she and Holt were just starting out, she
did
like him. She wouldn’t stay
for
him, but staying here would let her get to know him better.

Holt was simply the icing on the cake.

“You all right?” Holt asked, kissing the top of her head. “You’re being quiet. That’s an anomaly all by itself, but you’re also sighing.”

“I’m fine. Just…thinking.”

He tugged on a piece of her hair. “About…?”

“Us. Life. Choices.” She rested her chin on his chest and studied him, her concentration turning to his scars. “All sorts of things, really.”

He followed her line of vision, a frown coming over his face. “Like my scars.”

“Well, yeah.” She blew her hair out of her face. “It’s something I think about. I’m not going to lie. Not the scars, per se, but the things that caused them…and the ones I can’t see.”

He stiffened. “They’re just marks from war. Nothing else.”

“I know.” She bit down on her lower lip. “But they
are
more. I can see the shadows that haunt you. I’m not blind, you know.”

“Yeah, and they’re going to stay where they belong—behind me. Buried and hidden and mine. Just mine.” He shifted away from her, both mentally and physically. “They come with the nightmares, and the headaches, and the episodes.”

She knelt beside him, refusing to back down. “I know. And it’s all a part of you.”

“Yeah, the bad parts,” he muttered. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to fix me.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “I can’t be fixed with a tender conversation and a kiss. This is me. This is what you get. The good and the bad.”

“I know that,” she said, pressing her mouth into a tight line. “I wasn’t implying I could fix you. As a matter of fact, I don’t even think you need to be fixed at all.”

He snorted. “Yeah, you do. That’s a lie.”

“I think you should tell people about your migraines, but that’s about it.”

He glowered at her. “So I can get fired for being unable to do my job properly? Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.”

“You might not get fired, though.” She curled her hands in her lap, forcing herself to remain still, because he kept pulling away from her when she pushed too hard. “Maybe, just
maybe
, your boss would understand, and give you time off when you needed it. If you rested when the episodes started up, instead of working through them, I bet they’d be more manageable. And you just might be more useful to him in the long run.”

“I’m sure they would be very manageable,” he said sarcastically. “Because I’d be out of a job half the month. Something tells me that Cooper, no matter how understanding he might be, wouldn’t be okay with that. Just…just leave it, Lyd.”

She held her hands up. “Fine. But you act like your condition is something to be ashamed of. Like your injuries are this awful thing you have to hide.”

“Because they are.” He stood up and grabbed his pants, stepping into them angrily. “You have no idea what I went through. What I did.”

“You’re right. I don’t, because you’ve told me in no uncertain terms that you’ll never talk to me about it. And that’s fine. I would never force you to talk about something if you didn’t want to.” She crossed her arms, watching him dress. “But you can’t throw it in my face how I don’t understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

He yanked his shirt over his head. “Obviously, you want to know all about it. Or we wouldn’t be fighting about it.”

Wait, what?
“We’re not fighting.” She grabbed his hand. “We’re not—”

He snorted. “I might not know much about relationships, but I know a fucking fight when I see one.”

He’s right. We’re totally fighting.
“Holt—”

“And I also know that fights always end with the man giving in, so fine. You…you want to hear all the gory details? Want to hear how I watched every single guy around me die? Want to hear how the one guy I was friends with, who I was closest with, begged me to finish him off as he bled out on the field?” Shoving his arms into his sleeves, he glared at her through his glasses. As he’d spoken, his voice got louder and louder until he was practically shouting at her. “The animals were howling in the woods, so he knew it was only a matter of time till they came looking for food. And he didn’t want to be alive for it.”

Her stomach turned at the thought of what he’d gone through. What he’d seen…and yes,
done
. It wasn’t too hard to guess whether or not he’d done what his friend had asked. “Holt…”

“I did it, you know. I put him out of his misery. I killed him.” He locked gazes with her and sat down. “I did it because he asked me to, and I’d expect someone to do the same thing for me if I asked. But I have nightmares. Every. Fucking. Night. I relive it,
every night
. So why the hell would I want to tell you about it, so you can relive it, too? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Especially not you.”

She crawled across the bed and onto his lap. Straddling him, she hugged him. Just…hugged him. Because he seemed like he really needed a hug, and she wished she hadn’t started this conversation in the first place. “I’m so sorry. So sorry you had to do that, and even sorrier that I kind of, sort of, forced you to tell me.”

For a second, his arms hovered at his sides, as if he didn’t know how to hug someone back. But then closed his arms around her and squeezed, letting out a broken breath. He buried his face in her neck and shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I…I didn’t mean to.”

“Shh.” She rubbed his back, not daring to move. Not just then. He’d opened up to her, and then he’d stayed. That was huge, and she knew it. “It’s okay.”

He set his hands on her shoulders and tugged her back. “It’s not…not really. You have a right to know, if we’re going to make this thing between us real. You should know how much of a mess you’re getting into.”

Swallowing hard, she nodded. “Okay. Yeah. But I don’t think you’re a mess. And I never will. I think you’ve been through a lot, seen a lot, but that doesn’t make you a mess. Or a bad guy. It makes you a hero.”

He flexed his jaw. “Hell no. I’m not one of those.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” She forced a smile. “Because you’ll never get me to change my mind.”

“Now that you know what I did—
who
I am—do you…?” He cleared his throat and swallowed. “Do you still want to try this? Because I’m not kidding when I say I have nightmares. I do.”

Her heart twisted, but she forced her smile to remain firmly in place. “I drool. A lot.”

“Uh?” he blinked. “That’s not even close to the same thing.”

Shaking her head, she somehow managed to look dead serious. “Sure it is. Wait till you roll over into a puddle of it in the middle of the night. Then say that it’s not a deal breaker for you.”

For a second, he stared at her. Then he laughed, and all of the worry and tension faded away. “Shit. What the hell am I getting myself into?”

“I don’t know. You might want to run while you can.”

“Uh uh.” He tugged her until she laid flat on her back, and trailed his fingers down her bare skin. In all the emotions of the past few minutes, she’d forgotten that she was naked…while he no longer was. “I don’t scare off that easily.”

Her muscles clenched at his touch. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He splayed his hand across her stomach. “It might be crazy to think that something like this could actually work, but you’re stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Why would it be crazy?” she asked softly. He watched her, but wasn’t really there. He seemed lost in thought. “What’s so crazy about us being together?”

“You’re shiny and clean. Wholesome and new.” Gently, he trailed his thumb over her lower lip. “And I’m…not. Not even close. The two pieces don’t fit together.”

She shook her head. “That’s where I think you’re wrong.”

“That doesn’t make you right.”

“One of us is,” she argued, flicking her tongue out at his thumb. “It might as well be me.”

His thumb pressed against her mouth. “Might as well be.” Leaning down, he kissed her. By the time he pulled back, she was even more certain she was right. He lay down beside her again, staring up at the unmoving ceiling fan. “Lydia?”

She blinked sleepily. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.” His fingers tightened on her. “Thank you…for making me talk. And for listening, without judging.”

“I’d never judge you for something you’ve done. Or anything you do.”

He flexed his jaw. “You have no idea what you’re saying right now.”

“Actually, I do. And I mean every word.”

Sighing, he rolled to his feet and stood. “I have to go. You should get some rest.”

“Can’t you stay?” she asked, leaning up on an elbow. “You don’t have to leave…”

“I-I have work to do,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But we’ll talk tomorrow after…you know. Okay?”

She bit her lip and nodded. For some reason, it felt as if he was leaving her for good…instead of for tonight. “Okay.”

“Don’t look so sad.” Leaning down, he pressed a fleeting kiss to her lips. “After tomorrow, the hard part will be over. Steven will know, and I’ll be free to…well, shit. I don’t know. Walk with you in the streets. Whatever people do when they announce they’re a couple.”

Her lips twitched. “The same thing you’ve done with other girlfriends.”

“Nothing else scared you away, but this might. You see…I’ve never really had one before,” he admitted, rubbing his jaw. “But I’ll figure out what that all means after I tell Steven.”

She blinked at him. “Wait. You’ve never had a girlfriend before? Like…
ever
?”

“Ever. I told you that you had no idea what you were getting yourself into,” he muttered, avoiding looking at her. “Still want me to tell Steven?”

Swallowing hard, she nodded. “Of course. But can I ask one more question?”

“Yeah…”

“Why haven’t you had a girlfriend?”

“As a kid, I was kind of nerdy.” He rolled his eyes. “As if you didn’t guess as much from my love for all things geeky.”

She smiled. “Okay. And as an adult?”

“Well, I never met someone who made me want to settle down.” He gazed at her. “Not until you.”

Her heart skipped a few beats. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” He fisted his hands at his hips, staring her down, his whole body tense. He looked like he might snap if he tensed even a little bit more. “I like you, Lyd.”

Smiling, she forced herself to remain calm and cool, when she wanted to jump on the bed like a kid and shout, “
He likes me
!” at the top of her lungs. “I like you, too, you know.”

His muscles relaxed, and he laughed. “You don’t say?”

“I totally do.”

He grabbed his keys off the nightstand and shoved his phone into his pocket. “Then wish me luck with your brother. I’m going to need it tomorrow.”

“Stop it.” She fidgeted with the blanket. “He’s not that bad…”

“Yeah.” Holt snorted. “It’s not as if he was a SEAL or anything.”

She winced. “Okay. You
might
have a point.”

“I know I do. But even if he kicks my ass…” He skimmed his fingers over her bare shoulders as he passed. “It’ll be worth every bruise, sprain, or broken bone. See you tomorrow.”

Lydia watched him go, her stomach a ball of nerves and excitement. Starting tomorrow, her life would really begin. While she might have fallen for him quickly, like she had in the past, this time there was no doubt in her mind that this was right. That they were meant to be. Sometimes, people fell quickly because they just
knew
. And she was one of them. She’d never been happier, really, so it made her decision a no brainer. She wasn’t staying in Maine
because
of Holt…

But she wasn’t going anywhere.

Chapter Fifteen

The next afternoon, Holt stepped into Steven’s office and made himself smile. He’d promised to tell Steven about his feelings for Lydia at lunch, but he’d been too busy catching up on overdue work to eat. And if he was going to keep his promise to Lydia, then he needed to tell him.
Now
.

“It’s about damn—” Steven glanced up, his eyes narrow. “Oh, it’s you.”

Holt raised a brow. “Who did you think I was?”

“My sister.” He tossed a pen down. “She’s late.”

Fuck. Did she think he told Steven already? If so, he’d best get his ass in gear and open his mouth. “Oh. Right. I didn’t know she was coming here.” He cleared his throat and tugged on his collar. “There’s something I have to tell you. I—”

Steven slammed his pen down on the desk. “This is just so unbelievable, and so fucking typical of her. Always flitting from relationship to relationship, falling in love as fast as she can say hello to a guy. Well, this is the last straw. She’s in deep shit with me.”

Wait. She fell in love all the time?

If that was true, and she “flitted from relationship to relationship,” as Steven said, how could she truly fall in love with him, instead of just being
infatuated
? And if she did eventually fall for him, then how long would it be before she realized she didn’t really want to be with a guy like him?

“She falls in love all the time?” he asked Steven, gripping his chair tightly.

“She’s twenty-four and has found ‘the one’ six times already. What do you think?” Steven snapped, leaning back in his chair. “But this time she took it too far. I won’t stand for it.”

He curled his hands into fists, trying to ignore the sinking sensation of doom in the pit of his gut. “Uh, why? What happened?”

“I got her an impossible to find position at a
highly
regarded hospital.”

Holt blinked. “But that’s great. Why are you so pissed—?”

“I wasn’t finished yet, dumbass,” Steven snapped. “This position I got her is a rare opportunity. It’s one she isn’t fully qualified for, and won’t be for a long time. On top of that, it’s something that generally only opens up to people who are working at the hospital already, so it’s a huge fucking deal. A once in a lifetime opportunity, thanks to my buddy Ian down in Delaware.”

“But again that’s—” Wait. Ian. That name again. That’s what she’d been about to tell him the other night. This Ian guy had a job for her, and it was hours away from him. Holt stepped back, his heart dropping to that empty pit in his stomach. “Delaware?”

“Yes.
Delaware
.” Steven pinched the bridge of his nose. “But what does she do with this awesome opportunity that I traded a million favors to get for her? She wants to turn it down because of a guy she’s just started seeing. A fucking
guy
. I’m going to rip her a new one, and then I’m going to find this guy and kill him for good measure. He’s fucking up her life, and I won’t allow it. Not when they’ll be broken up in a month anyway, like always. Fuck that shit.”

Like always
. Holt’s heart twisted with dread. He’d thought they had something special, but she was the type to love them and leave them. But how…?

It didn’t matter how. He knew it was the truth. Her brother wouldn’t fucking lie. And
he
was the guy fucking up her life. Here he’d been thinking about trying to make them into something real, and she was giving up this huge thing for him—a temporary relationship in a long line of her passing love affairs.

He couldn’t ask that of her, not when he didn’t even know if this thing they had going on between them was even going to last, when stacked against all the odds.

Truth be told, they’d pretty much been doomed from the start.

He had no way of knowing anything at all besides the fact that he
liked
her, and she was ready to walk away from a job opportunity like this without a backwards glance?

Hell no.

Not if he had anything to do with it. It had been fun for a little while to dream of happily ever after and maybe finding love…but he couldn’t continue to do so.

Not at the cost of her career.

He curled his hands into fists. “Did she already turn down the job?”

“No, I don’t think so.” He sank back into the chair. “She has until five o’clock tonight to answer him. She told me this morning that she was turning it down, and I begged her to wait until I had a chance to say my piece.”

There was still time, then. He could fix this, even though his gut balled up into a fist at the thought…because he knew exactly what he had to do. And he didn’t want to. “Don’t worry. She’ll listen to you.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Steven muttered. “She never has before.”

Holt looked over his shoulder. No sign of Lydia yet, so he had time to stop her from making a huge mistake. Had time to make it right. She hadn’t told him about this offer, more than likely because she knew he’d tell her to take the job. And she hadn’t wanted to hear it.

So…he had to strike first, and hard enough to hurt her more than he’d ever hurt anyone before. Hard enough to make her forget all about him, even though he’d never forget about her in a million years. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Good luck.”

As he walked out, he focused on the elevators. He had to do this, no matter how much it might hurt. He jabbed the down button, pulled out his phone, and swiped his finger across the screen. Lydia’s latest message popped up.
Good luck
.

Swallowing hard, he started typing.
Didn’t tell him. Changed my mind. I think we should be done now. Quit while the going’s good. It’s over. The feeling is gone.

The elevator doors opened, and he lifted his head.

Standing there, looking fresher than the pure fallen snow on the winter ground, was Lydia. She wore a green dress that hugged her curves, and a pair of boots that hit right below the knee. Her strawberry blonde hair was down, falling in soft waves around her face. She looked absolutely gorgeous.

And he was going to break her heart.

When she saw him, a big smile broke out across her face. “Hey! How did it go?”

“It…” He tightened his hand on his phone, words failing him. For once, it wasn’t because of his fucked up brain. It was because he had no idea how to tell her he didn’t want to be with her, when he really fucking did. “It…it didn’t go.”

“What?” She blinked, the smile fading away slowly. “What do you mean?”

He swallowed hard. “I changed my mind. We’re—”

“It’s about damn time.” Steven came up behind him, grabbed Lydia’s wrist, and hauled her out of the elevator. “You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago.”

Lydia didn’t answer him. Instead, she stared at Holt, who couldn’t look at her. But he could
feel
her eyes on him. Her phone dinged, and he flinched.

It would be the message he’d sent seconds before the doors opened.

She fought Steven’s hold, stopping right next to Holt. “What’s—?”

“Well, I’ll leave you two to it,” Holt said at the same time.

“Thanks, man,” Steven said.

Lydia blinked. “What’s going on here? Holt?”

“Why do you keep asking him? He has nothing to do with you giving up your life for some fucking idiot.” Steven tried to tug her toward his office, but she didn’t budge. Instead, she glanced down at her phone…and made a broken sound. “Lyd, stop delaying and come on.”

“Oh…” she whispered. “It’s gone?”

“Yeah.” Holt finally looked at her. He locked gazes with her, his chest hollowing out at the confusion, and yes,
pain
, in her eyes. “It’s gone.”

“What’s gone?” Steven frowned. “What’s going on here?”

“Nothing,” Holt said quickly, turning away from Lydia. He couldn’t stand seeing her in pain—and knowing he’d been the one to cause it. “Absolutely nothing.”

Lydia flinched. “Obviously.”

“What the hell is going on?” Steven looked even more confused. “Is there something I need to know? Do you know who the guy is, Holt?”

It’s me. I’m the fucking guy. Open your eyes.

“No. Why would he know? It’s not like we’re friends or anything,” Lydia said flatly, stepping back from Holt and tilting her chin up. That one tiny step hurt more than it should have, but it was his damn fault. He never should have fallen so hard, so fast. It had been idiotic. “Let’s go. I’m ready for our talk now.”

She grabbed Steven’s hand and tugged him toward the office. Steven, for his part, looked as if he might finally be figuring something out…but then he shook his head and followed his sister. “Did you two get in a fight when he took you home?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “You’d have to be friends with someone to fight with them, or care. He’s nothing to me, and I’m nothing to him.”

That’s not true. None of this is true.

Holt took a step forward. But if he wanted to set her free, then this was the only way to do it. He knew how stubborn she was. If she thought there was even a slight chance that he might be lying…she wouldn’t go.

And she needed to fucking go.

…

Less than two hours later, a knock sounded on his door. He knew, without looking, who it was going to be. It would be Lydia. He almost didn’t answer it, knowing that. But in some masochistic way, he wanted to go through this. Wanted her to yell at him, and tell her how much she hated him. He needed it.

Deserved it.

And then she’d leave him, and he’d never see her again. Or maybe he’d catch glimpses of her here and there, and she’d have a husband at her side. And a cute horde of strawberry-blonde-haired babies. And she’d be so fucking happy, while he…

Well, he wouldn’t be.

He knew that already.

But even so, he’d do it. He’d send her away. After a deep breath that felt as if he’d swallowed a box of nails, he opened the door and got his breath punched out of his chest. She wore nothing but a trench coat, which she clearly showed him by holding it wide fucking
open
.

He stumbled back, his body responding in ways it shouldn’t have. “Lydia, what the fuck are you—?”

“Oh, you know what I’m doing.” She barged inside, kicking the door shut behind her. “This is how I was going to greet you tonight, you know. There was going to be champagne and a dinner, too, but you get the idea.”

He gave her his back. If he looked at her for one more second, he’d break. All his resolve to save her from himself would die a quick death. “Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we won’t be dining or drinking…or fucking.”

“Actually, I don’t think you are sorry at all.” She came up behind him, stopping close enough for him to feel her heat, but not close enough that they were touching. “So, the feeling’s gone, huh?”

“Y-Yes.” He swallowed hard, refusing to look at her again. If he did, she’d end up against the door with him between her legs in two-point-two seconds flat. “Gone.”

“So if I do this?” He heard her coat hit the floor. She was going to kill him. “You’ll feel nothing. Want nothing. Nothing at all.”

Jesus.
He dragged his hand through his hair, fighting the base urge to turn around and get one last glimpse of her body before he sent her running. “I told you it’s over, so, yes. I feel nothing.”
Not true. I feel everything.

“You’re so full of it.” She stepped even closer. “You aren’t even
looking
at me. Look at me, and tell me you don’t care. Tell me that everything you said last night was a lie. Tell me to my face that you don’t want me anymore.”

To be honest, he wasn’t sure he could do that at all. But if it meant she got to escape his clutches, he’d have to find a way to make it work. To be strong enough.

He gritted his teeth and turned. She stood there, gloriously naked, wearing nothing but a pair of black heels and a furious scowl. He almost took it all back. Almost knelt at her feet and begged forgiveness.

But then he remembered why he’d done this, and he reinforced his resolve.

“Fine.” Looking her straight in the eye, he gave her body a once over, forcing his expression to remain impassive and unimpressed. To add insult to injury, he shrugged. Actually shrugged, as if what he saw was nothing worth looking at. And he hated himself more than ever, which was saying a hell of a lot. “I. Feel. Nothing. It’s gone.”

She blanched and stumbled back a step. “Oh.”

The pain in her eyes was almost too much to bear. It looked as if he’d literally grabbed her heart out of her chest and stomped on it—and he might as well have. He took an uneven step toward her, hand outstretched. “Lydia, I—”

“D-Don’t.” She held a hand up. Bending at the knees, she picked up her coat and put it back on. She pulled it shut and gripped it closed with white knuckles. “Don’t say another word. I was stupid to come here after you told me you were done, and even stupider to think this was about something else.”

It felt as if he had a knife jabbed in his throat. “What did you think this was about?”

“I got a job offer, and I thought you were trying to push me away, so I’d go—” She pressed her mouth tightly together. “You know what? It doesn’t matter what I thought. I was obviously wrong, so I’m going to go.”

You’re right. Don’t go.

He shoved his hands in his pockets. If he didn’t, he’d grab her and kiss her and show her just how right she was. That this was all for show so she’d take the job, instead of taking a chance on a guy like him. One who wouldn’t even know what love was if it punched him in the gut or kicked him in the nuts. “All right.”

She backed up, a hand over her mouth. He wanted to look away. Wanted to show her he didn’t care about her, or what she chose to do with her life.

But he did. He really fucking did.

She almost made it to the door before she stopped. Her hand on the knob, she turned around and stared at him. “Why did you say those things last night?”

“I don’t know.” He dug his fingers into his palms. “I really don’t fucking know. I guess I got caught up in the moment. Mistook lust for something that was…more.”

“So all of those things…you didn’t mean a single word? Not one?” Shaking her head, she paled. “I don’t believe it. I can’t.”