Taking Faith (10 page)

His pause was loaded.
"My mother hated me."

"Roger, that is not true-"

"Would you love the thing that was implanted in you against your will by the man who kidnapped and beat you?" he said harshly.

She caught her breath. Oh.

He went on. "She hated everything about me. She hated him and she hated me for being born and forcing her to be responsible for me."

"Oh, Roger…" He jerked his gaze to hers at her sympathetic tone. "You want to know the saddest part of all of this?"

"Yeah, lay it on me," he said sarcastically, but his eyes never left hers.

"The saddest part…is that you actually believe that to be true."

He looked away and closed his eyes. After long, silent minutes he finally said, "Why?" When she looked at him in question he repeated, "Why? Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" she breathed.

"Trying to get me to feel something for you," he answered steadily.

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" He nodded. "Then I take it back. This is the saddest part of it all." She stared him down with a serious gaze. "That you think that no one can show you any amount of humanity without an ulterior motive."

"I know what humanity is."

"Do you?" she
asked back, her voice harder. She had to make him see, to break through the barrier the community had planted in him.

"Yes!" he said, exasperated. "Of course! My father…may not have been the kind I wanted, but he had my best interests in mind."

"Roger, you can not be serious!" she yelled and worked to lower her voice. "He abused you! Not only have I seen the scars on your back and stomach, but I've seen him hit you with my own eyes and you're a grown man! I hate to think what he d
id to you when you were a child,
"
she said, her voice strangled.

Roger stared straight ahead and breathed slowly. He didn't rebut or defend and Amy was grateful. He had to see the hypocrisy of what he was saying, right?
Eventually he got out of the car, taking the keys with him, and walked around the car to lean on the hood.

She left him alone, but knew she needed to turn it up a notch when she got home.
Home
… She gulped and corrected herself; when she got back to
his
house. She waited for him to finish his think or freak-out or whatever it was that he was doing up on the hood. She'd never been abused or anything
, but tried to
imagine being told and thinking that was the proper way to be brought up only to realize way into your life that it wasn't? She couldn't imagine the kind of turmoil your mind would be in.

When he
finally got back in the car he didn’t say anything. He just drove them home. When he pulled into the garage, he reached over Amy to open the door for her. She sucked in a startled breath and held it as his face sat a half inch from
hers. He flicked the latch with his hand and then smiled a little as he sat back. "Sorry. Isn't that what a gentleman does? Opens the door for his wife."

She nodded. "Thanks." Then she tried not to roll her eyes at how breathless she sounded.
She got out and immediately went to the kitchen. The kitchen seemed like her neutral zone, a place where she could grab the reins and control the situation
,
so she
was eager to get back to that. For dinner she planned steak and baked potatoes.

She started to wash the potatoes, but realized she was missing her favorite ingredient for cooking; music.

She peeked back into the living room, finding it empty. She could hear the water running
in
the shower and she hoped he didn't mind her turning on some music.
The radio above the TV crackled to life and she smiled when John Mayer's
Heartbreak Warfare
came blasting through the speakers. She loved him
.

She turned it up before making her way back to the kitchen. He was in the shower so he couldn't hear her, right? She belted it out as she brushed the potato skins with a sponge.

If you want more love, why don't you say so.

If you want more love, why don’t you say so.

Just say so.

How come the only way to know how high you get me

i
s to see how far I fall
.

God only knows how much I'd love if you let me

but I can't break through it all.

It's a heart…heartbreak

She swayed her hips as she rubbed the seasoning on the steak. She felt so lighthearted tonight for some reason, and found herself
half smiling. When she heard the bathroom door shut, she stopped swaying pronto.

When he moseyed into the kitchen a little later, she had to stop her mouth from falling open. He was buttoning his shirt, his feet bare and his jeans weren't even buttoned up the whole way. His shaggy, black hair was a wet mess of curls. Amy turned away, but not before he saw her cheeks turn pink.

She heard him say, "Huh," from behind her, but when she turned back he was gone.
She finished dinner and served it to the table. She sat and called him.

"It's ready."

He came in from the living room and stared at the spread. The
n
he eyed her
with a critical glance.
She saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and then he sat.
He
ate in silence, glancing over at her every now and then. She knew he was suspicious or confused about something, but she wasn't really sure about what. She said nothing, however, and just ate her dinner as the radio continued to play in the background. It had moved on to Coldplay's
Fix You.

She had to bite her tongue so as not to mouth the words. When she looked up and once again caught Roger looking at her, she got up and cleared the plates to keep from smiling. He was so on edge! What did he think she was going to do?

She cleaned the kitchen and then brought him a drink as he sat in his chair. He took the glass from her and stared at it in his hands. Then he glared at her, his jaw hard. She was confused at his anger, and when he put the glass down and got up from the chair, she couldn't help but to step back and gasp as he close
d
in on her.

He pressed her to the wall near the front door
with his hands on her upper arms. She thought he'd slam her into it, but once he was close enough to the wall, he slowed their movement.
He looked down at her, his face inches away.

"I can
't let you just walk out of here
, Amy. I've told you that. So why the show? Why the charade? No matter what you do or say…I. Can't. Let. You. Go."

"I'm not trying to get you to," she breathed. "Let go, Roger."

Chapter 9

He let his grip tighten a bit, not enough to hurt her, but enough to let her know he was on the edge. "Why, Amy? Tell me why you're doing this?"

"I already told you!" she said loudly
and sighed
. "I'm not trying to trick you.
I'm just trying to be the wife that you asked me to be.
"

"Please stop."

"Stop what?" she asked in exasperation.

"Just…stop being so..."

"Roger-"

"Stop trying to make me fall in love with you!" he roared. His fast breaths blew on her cheek from his open mouth. "I can't afford to. You can't either. Stop it," he growled, but his resolve was just gone. He leaned forward and pressed their cheeks together and repeated his plea in a whisper, "Stop i
t
."

They stayed like that for several minutes strained with a mix of confusion and comfort. Amy knew he was breaking through some of his barriers and Roger knew that Amy was just trying to
be
what he wanted her to be, but didn't know how to accept that. Eventually, Amy had enough. "Roger," she whispered, her lips touching his cheek with the closeness. "Roger, it's all right. I
'm just trying to
..
. I'm not trying to pull
the
wool over your eyes or run some scheme-"

"I know. I know," he sighed and moved one of his hands to her cheek. "Amy." He rubbed their cheeks together and she thought he was going to kiss her. "Oh, God, help me. I can't do this," he said and pushed away from her so quickly, she almost lost her footing. He went into his room and slammed the door.

She leaned on the wall to catch her breath and covered her mouth with her fingers in confusion. What ha
d she done that was so terrible?
She moved to the couch and balled herself up on one corner. She echoed Roger's sentiments. She didn't know if she could do this either.

Later, s
he woke with a warmth around her she hadn't felt in a long time. She gripped the hard, warm arm with both hands and was lifted. She found herself pressing closer and rubbing her cheek on soft cotton. She heard a surprised chuckle, but couldn't make herself wake to investigate. A scruffy chin rubbed a small kiss over her forehead before she was placed in softness and comfort. When the blanket was pulled over her she sighed and pulled her knees up.

She felt him rub his finger over her cheek and he began to murmur things to h
er, almost like a confession.

* * *

Roger couldn’t believe how soft her skin was. It was like…flower petals. That was the only thing he could think of to describe it. He knew she was asleep and it was wrong, but he couldn’t stop touching her face. He let his thumb rub over her cheek bone, back and forth. He was such a bastard.
She'd only been trying to be good to him and he'
d practically spit in her face and ran out there like a total idiot.

She didn't deserve this, any of it. But he was scared. He didn't know ho
w
to protect her here.
He didn't know how long they could semi-pretend to be doing what they were supposed to be doing. They were even supposed to be hosting another dinner for a guy and his wife on Friday. Four days.

He had no doubt that Amy could fake her way through another dinner, but it was him he was concerned about. He focused on her little nose and ran his finger
down the length. She was delicate, fragile, beautiful, loyal, strong, and most of all, caring to the point of ridiculousness. She cared for
him
and he had been a mean S.O.B. when she arrived. He just needed to work out the kinks in his
thinking. He needed to figure
out how
to pretend and go with the flow as good as Amy was doing.

He leaned forward even more, his lips right at her temple. "I'm going to try with everything in me to be what you need right now. I've got to keep you safe, I just have to. We'll do this our way. Screw them and their rules. You and me, Amy, we're doing our own thing. I just want you to
be happy and
I'm sorry that the chance for real h
appiness was taken from you.
I’m
even more
sorry that I was a part of that, but if I do nothing else before I leave this world, I want to make you smile every day. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you can depend on me to be there in any way that you need me.
I wish I could just set you free, but I'm…trapped. I can't and you
know
what? God help me, Amy, but I don't want you to go anymore. I know that's wrong, I know it's…crazy, but you are…"

He was going to say 'Making me fall in love with you', but he just couldn't seem to fit those words in his mouth. He swallowed them down to stay buried forever. No matter what happened, he could not tell her he'd fallen for her. She'd hate him even more than she already did.

So, while she slept, he took his petty penance and kissed her forehead once more. "I'll see you in the morning, sweet girl."

He ended his sad repertoire and left her there buried in the blanket. She'd slept on top of his comforter every night and he knew why. It was one of the
little things she did to deny; t
o be in rebellion of what was going on without actually being in rebellion. Because once you gave up all of those little things it all became too real. He understood that better than anyone, he thought.

But for tonight, he wanted her to have all the comforts available to her and just hoped she wouldn't feel
overwhelmed in the morning.

* * *

Amy woke up
and looked around the room. It was morning, but early. She was in the bed, which wasn't where she'd fallen asleep. She remembered…being moved. Being warm and the deep murmuring... Roger must have come out and gotten her last night from the couch. But then where was…
A
hh
h
.

He was asleep on the floor next to the bed.

She wondered if she should wake him for work, but then jumped, even shrieking a little, when the alarm next to her went off suddenly. He reached up with his eyes still closed and slapped the button. He sighed and did this grumble thing as he rubbed his eyes. Then he looked up and stopped. He gazed around disoriented for a minute before setting his
gaze on her once more. "Morning,
"
he said, but it sounded an awful lot like a question.