Take Four (9 page)

Over the next few hours they welcomed four more young actresses, all of whom read for the role of Ella. But each performance fell flat compared with Bailey’s. By the end of the afternoon, Eleanor pulled the resumes, paperwork, and headshots together into a file marked
Ella
. “If you ask me, after seeing Bailey we could tell tomorrow’s crop to stay home. Now we need
Brandon Paul out here to read with her. See if the two have the chemistry to pull it off.”

Keith was pretty sure that wouldn’t be a problem. Brandon might’ve been messing up in his off time, but he was a professional. Anyone who had watched him grow up in his NTM teen series could tell that one day the kid would be a very strong actor. Directors had only begun to draw out of him what he was capable of.

“Chemistry won’t be a problem for Brandon.” Keith was still worried about all the issues that would be a problem.

“You don’t think so?” Eleanor was more skeptical. “He’s very young.”

“Only one guy has more natural charm and charisma on screen than Brandon Paul.” Keith elbowed his co-producer. “But Dayne here’s a little too old to play a high school boy.” They all laughed and after a few minutes, Keith bid the others goodbye. He and Andi had planned to spend an hour together late this afternoon. She needed to turn in an essay to her English professor, and he’d offered to go with her. Even with all that was happening with the movies, Keith thought about his daughter constantly. He’d seen the pictures from her ultrasound; and he knew how badly she was struggling, how she was no longer sure about giving the baby up.

Keith wasn’t sure either—regardless of his revelation moments ago. Adoption wasn’t for everyone, right? Even if Luke and his wife were celebrating the decision of a different birthmother somewhere in the state of Indiana. The baby looked so much like Andi and her younger brothers—the ones who had never had the chance to live. She could keep her baby, right? They could help her and everything would be okay for all of them. But then, maybe that was only his selfish heart thinking that way. Because he could hardly imagine holding the baby in the pictures, cradling him close to his chest, and realizing he was a grandfather.

Only to let the baby go.

A
NDI WAS WAITING FOR KEITH
when he got home. She’d taken to wearing sweats and baggy sweaters lately—her way of covering up her expanding middle. Even so, as she hurried down the sidewalk to his car, she looked thin and young and so much like the high school girl with the bold ideals and strong convictions, the girl everyone thought would never stumble.

She climbed into the car and buckled her belt. “Hi.” Her hair was still short and dark, the way she’d dyed it at the beginning of summer. But it had grown out some and her blonde roots were starting to show.

“Hi, honey.” He leaned over and hugged her. “You’ve got your essay?”

“Right here.” She pulled a folder from her oversized bag and held it on her lap. There was a heaviness in her voice. “How was Bailey’s audition?”

Again Keith’s heart sank. If things had been different, if Andi had remained the innocent girl she’d been during her senior year of high school, the scene today might’ve involved her and not Bailey. It was one more consequence to her choices, and it weighed on him heavily in light of her question. He gripped the steering wheel, taking them out of the neighborhood and closer to the university. “Bailey was amazing.” He smiled at his daughter, hoping she could see in his eyes how much he loved her, how much he still believed in her. “I think she might get the part of Ella.”

“Really?” Andi sat back, breathless. “That’s amazing. Does she know?”

“Not yet. We have to wait a while. Lots to work through first.”

“Wow.” Andi’s tone was proof that she was stunned. “I won’t tell her, but I can’t believe it.” She glanced at him again. “I mean I can, because Bailey’s a good actress. But this is huge for her. What made them audition her for such a big part?”

“The casting director wanted someone new. A fresh face.”

“That’s how Katy Matthews got discovered.” Andi’s shoulders seemed to slump a little, as if maybe she was realizing again all she’d loss by compromising her purity with Taz.

“Yes. Since then directors are more likely to look at an unknown.” He kept his eyes on the road. “We looked at more than a hundred girls. Dayne’s wife actually suggested we take a look at Bailey. She’s been coaching her privately for awhile now.”

“Right.” Andi looked out the window and she was quiet. When she turned back to him, her eyes were damp. “I wish…” she sniffed and the words didn’t seem to come easily. “I wish I could’ve read for the part.”

Keith felt a wave of sorrow hit his heart. “Yes, sweetheart.” He reached for her hand. “I wish that, too.”

They were quiet for a long time. Then Andi said it again. “So Bailey Flanigan as Ella. Working with Brandon Paul. Crazy stuff.” Andi’s tone was softer than before. “She must be so happy.”

Keith felt the weight of Andi’s disappointment. But he was proud of her attitude. “Like I said, honey, we still have a lot ahead before we can hire her. We’re more concerned with Brandon Paul.” Keith squinted against the sun streaming through the windshield. “He’s been getting in trouble almost every day. The tabs are loving it.”

“Hmmm.” Andi looked concerned. “I didn’t know.”

“We talked to him and his agent today.” Keith kept his eyes on the traffic ahead. “We can’t be afraid to walk away from him.”

“I don’t know.” Andi found her sunglasses in her purse and
slipped them on. “I mean, Dad, what if he needs this movie? To teach him about God?”

“I’ve thought about that.” Keith understood the struggle Andi was feeling. They were all missionaries at heart—it would be that way forever after their time in Indonesia. His daughter’s comment reminded him that she was truly back—her focus was in place again. “The problem is, I can’t sacrifice the reputation of Jeremiah Productions or the integrity and message of the film in the hopes of reaching Brandon.”

They rode in silence for a while, and when they reached the university, Keith walked with Andi to the English building and up a flight of stairs to the professor’s office. He waited while she dropped off the essay. As he waited, three other students—two guys and a girl—entered the office, and a few minutes later Andi returned and as they left the room Keith heard the girl whisper to her friends, “Look…she’s pregnant!”

They were halfway down the stairs when Andi stopped and looked at her dad. “It’s okay. It’s happened before.”

Keith didn’t know what to say. He opened his mouth and then changed his mind. How could this be his daughter people were talking about? He met her eyes and hoped she could see how badly he hurt for her. “Honey…” he hugged her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The idea of Andi being the brunt of people’s gossip or pity made him feel defeated and sad. She was his little girl, and he should’ve been able to save her from this situation. He would’ve done anything to help her if he could, but now…now it was too late. She pulled away first, her face set, resolve in place. This was her lot, and she looked ready to face it. Even so her smile was tinged with sadness and regret. “Ready?”

“Yes.” He kept his pace slow this time, because he wanted to talk to her. There were things he hadn’t said since they’d found out about her pregnancy, things that didn’t come up easily around
the dinner table or before turning in each night. Thoughts swimming close to the surface of his heart. If he didn’t say them now, there might not be another chance. He waited until they were outside on a wide pathway that cut through the campus. Hardly anyone was around at this hour, so they had the moment to themselves.

“You’re quiet,” she smiled at him. “What’re you thinking about?”

It had always been this way with them, this uncanny way they had of reading each other. That was another reason why he needed to tell her how he felt. Otherwise this pregnancy could come between them, render them the sort of father-daughter team that only shared information on a surface level. He slowed a little, catching her eye. “You always know me.”

“I try.” She pushed a section of her hair behind her ear and studied him. “So tell me.”

“I guess I feel like I owe you an apology. It’s my fault this happened.”

“What?” Surprise filled her eyes, but she seemed to know what he was talking about. “None of this was your fault. You raised me to know better.”

“I raised you right, but…” This was the place in his heart he hadn’t allowed himself to visit since he got word his daughter was pregnant. He swallowed hard, fighting to keep his voice steady. “We never should’ve let you come here by yourself. You were…you were too young.” He felt his chin quiver, and he breathed in hard through his nose. “I let you down, baby. I want you to know I’m sorry for that.”

Andi stopped walking and faced him. “That’s not true.” She hugged him and held on the way she used to when she was a little girl. When she let go, she searched his face, his eyes. “It was my fault. I wanted to see what life was like. Without restrictions.
Outside my faith.” There was a bench nearby and she motioned to her dad to sit beside her.

Anger welled up in Keith. Anger at Taz for taking advantage of his daughter. Even anger at Andi—because here she was admitting that she’d intentionally gone against God and everything she knew to be true, everything they’d taught her. He stood and paced a few feet away, his back to her. “Why would you ever…ever want to live outside your faith?” The intensity in his tone caught him off guard. He turned and faced her. “Is this what you wanted? To have people talk about you behind your back? To miss out on the chance to read for a lead role in one of my movies?” His anger took hold and he couldn’t stop himself. “To embarrass yourself and us? Is that what you wanted?”

A couple football players walked by on a path not far from them, and both of them turned to see the commotion. Anger flashed in Andi’s eyes, too. She stood and pressed her hand to her stomach. “Of course I didn’t want this!” Her eyes welled up. “I thought I was missing out on something.” She crossed her arms, her voice louder than before. “And I kept thinking about Rachel Baugher. Lot of good it did her, living for God!” She backed up a few steps. “And if I’m an embarrassment to you, fine. I can do this without you!”

“Andi…” He was seized with sudden remorse. What was he doing, yelling at her? Blaming her for his own fear and pride. Keith felt the fight leave him. “Andi, come here.”

Tears slid down her cheeks, and the hurt in her eyes was more than he could take. “Daddy…” her voice broke. “I never meant to hurt you and mom.” She spread her fingers over her heart. “I’m sorry.” She hung her head, trembling despite the afternoon sun. “You’ll never know how sorry I am.”

Keith felt like the world’s worst father. He sighed and felt it rattle all the way down to his ankles. “Honey…I didn’t mean it that way.” He went to her, and when she fell into his arms he
silently thanked God. She didn’t hate him. Even after the unkind things he’d just said, she was still here. “Of course you’re sorry.”

“I c-c-can’t,” quiet sobs shook her small body. “I can’t change things now. I’m s-s-sorry I embarrassed you.”

Keith wanted to crawl in a hole. How could he make her believe that he hadn’t meant it that way. “It’s my fault, baby. My own pride. Please…” he leaned back and lifted her chin so their eyes met. “I’m not embarrassed of you. I’m embarrassed at myself—because I wasn’t here to help you.” He gritted his teeth, fighting an overwhelming sadness. “I wasn’t here to keep that…that jerk away from you.”

She nodded, but fresh tears slid down her cheeks.

“Forgive me, Andi. I’m sorry. Your mom and I, we’re here for you.” He kissed her forehead, again begging God that they could move past this. “You’re brave and kind and you want your baby to live. Your mom and I,” his voice caught, and he waited a moment until he could talk. “Your mom and I are very, very proud of you, sweetheart.” He hugged her again and stroked her back. “We’ll get through this. We will.”

He felt her nod against his chest.

“Do you forgive me?” He looked into her eyes again, his only daughter.

“Yes.” She managed a weak smile, but her eyes told him what he desperately needed to know. This was a moment both of them regretted. But they would survive it. They would move on from here. She pulled away and walked back to her purse. She pulled a tissue from inside and used it to blow her nose. Then she sat on the bench again and patted the spot beside her. “I still want to explain. Okay?”

Keith wasn’t sure he was ready for this. After his outburst, he still felt terrible. It was enough that she was sorry, that she’d found her love for God again, right? She didn’t need to explain what had led her to make her decisions. It was like listening to someone
else talk, and it only reinforced his guilt—that if he’d been here she wouldn’t have allowed herself to forget who she was.

“It was me, Daddy.” Andi looked off at the sky above a row of trees that lined the path. “I wasn’t trying to get pregnant.” She sniffed and pressed the tissue beneath her eyes again. I wanted to know how other people lived.” She breathed in slowly and looked at him again. “I looked at Rachel and saw how her good life hadn’t gotten her anywhere, and I wanted to find out for myself. I wanted to experience life without any restrictions.” Shame darkened her features. “So that’s what I did.”

He shook his head and narrowed his eyes, struggling with his emotions, unable to look at her, at the little-girl eyes that reminded him of her growing-up years. “We should’ve been here…or you should’ve been there. In San Jose. You could’ve gone to college there, baby. If you would’ve brought this…this Taz character home I would’ve seen right through him. You never would’ve dated him.”

“Daddy, don’t…”

“It’s true.” He hung his head, and the tears came against his will. He’d fought these feelings all summer, but now he had to be honest with her. His pent-up anger wasn’t at her, it was at himself. “I’m your father.” His voice broke. “I’m supposed to protect you, keep you safe.” He felt his face twist in sorrow, and he brought his hand to his eyes. When he had a little more composure, he looked at her and put his hand on her shoulder. “When you were a baby, I stood by your crib listening to you breathe, making sure nothing ever harmed you, and when…when you learned to walk I held your hand so you wouldn’t fall.”

“Daddy…” Andi put her hand over his.

“I ran beside you when you learned to ride your bike, because I couldn’t stand the thought of you hitting the ground.”

Andi had tears in her eyes too, but she laughed at the picture he painted. “I remember that.”

He blinked so he could see her better. “When we had the chance to move to Indonesia, the only thing that made me hesitate was you, Andi. Not knowing whether I could keep you safe. But I did. I let everyone in that village know that nothing—nothing could ever happen to you.” He could feel his heart breaking inside him. “I would’ve laid down my life for you anytime along the way.”

“I felt safe the whole time we were there.”

“You were.” He found her eyes again and wished with everything inside him they could go back, that her freshman year had only just begun and that he and Lisa had moved here a year ago. “You were safe because that was my job. Protecting you, my baby girl. My princess.”

She dabbed the tissue at a few errant tears on her cheeks and listened.

“But this year, when you needed me, I wasn’t around. I was out,” he gestured toward an unseen public, “out making movies so I could save the world, when…” he took hold of her hand, “when my daughter needed me more than any of them.”

“You did what you thought was right, Daddy. I told you, it was my fault.”

Keith brushed the back of his hand across his face and sniffed hard. “We can’t go back, I know that. But if I could…” He put his hand alongside Andi’s cheek. “If I could, I’d be here a year ago, and you would bring your questions to me and your mother. We would help you keep your faith and your foundation, and you wouldn’t…you wouldn’t be in this situation.” He hugged her once more. “I just want you to know I’m sorry.”

For a long time Andi only looked at him, and he watched a number of emotions slide across her face. Shame and regret and sorrow…and finally forgiveness. “I have a question.” She waited until she saw he was listening intently. “Can I still be your princess, Daddy? Even now that I messed up?”