Table for five (14 page)

The funeral director had them all escorted to their seats in the front pews. The principal of Charlie’s school was right behind them on the end, ready to whisk Ashley away if she got too loud. The honey-oak caskets, draped in flowers, gleamed in the sunlight filtering through a window with a Holy Spirit design. And Sean was floating again in a high arc overhead, unable to keep himself anchored to the earth.

T
he funeral was a brutal spectacle that was part media circus, part solemn ceremony. Lily felt battered and sore on the inside, exhausted to the point of numbness. The service went by in a blur of tears and music and heartfelt eulogies. Everyone present tried to express the inexpressible—grief for a shocking loss and, perhaps worse, the sadness and quiet terror of three children who would grow up without their parents.

Lily was surprised and moved when her family showed up. They hadn’t known Crystal well, but they knew how important she was to Lily. When it was her turn to speak up, she sent a panicked glance toward her mother, receiving a calm nod of encouragement:
You can do this.

Lily stood and made her way to the podium. Somehow, for the sake of the children, she managed to speak in a clear, steady voice, telling the packed church that Crystal had been the best friend, mother and person anyone could imagine.

“Best friend and loving mother” had seemed like the proper words when she’d written them late last night. Yet uttered over
the PA system to a packed church, they sounded hollow and impersonal. Lily set aside her note cards, shut her eyes briefly and made a picture of Crystal in her mind.

“I was eight years old when I met my best friend,” she said, then opened her eyes again. “She was thirteen and had no intention of being my best friend or anything but my babysitter. That came later—the friendship. And it’s lasted a lifetime—” Lily paused, taking a breath and trying to keep her voice from wavering. “When I was small, I thought she knew everything. Twenty-two years later, I know it’s finally true. Thanks to her beautiful children, she knows the joys and triumph of living a life filled with love. And that’s all anyone ever needs to know, isn’t it?” Lily was surprised by the words coming out of her. This wasn’t in her notes. Her notes contained a résumé of Crystal’s accomplishments, a loving salute to her character. It was too late to backtrack now, and because of all the other tributes, she’d promised to keep hers short. She paused again and focused on the children. Edna had taken Ashley away when she started fussing. Charlie sat unmoving, staring straight ahead. Next to her, Sean wore a curiously similar expression. Cameron seemed angry, almost defiant as he shifted restlessly in his seat.

Lily had been gratified to see students and teachers from the high school, but they looked ill at ease, shifting and whispering in the back rows, clearly wishing they could be somewhere else. She hadn’t spotted Greg Duncan and found that disappointing. As Cameron’s golf coach, he should have been there, but that was Greg for you.

“I can’t find any meaning in the way my friend died,” she said. “Maybe I’m supposed to, perhaps one day I will. For me the meaning is in her life, not in her death. I loved Crystal Baird Holloway. For the rest of my life, I will live to celebrate that friendship.” She cleared her throat, the knot of pain nearly stop
ping her breath. “Goodbye, Crystal. You live in the hearts of those who loved you.”

Dr. Sachs, the grief counselor, had told Lily that medication was available if she felt she needed it. As she stepped down from the podium, she found herself wishing she had taken advantage of the offer.

As she left the podium, Charlie’s requested song was played. Kermit the Frog singing “Rainbow Connection” might have seemed ludicrous under the circumstances, but for some reason, the song’s subtlety, wistfulness and simple message struck the perfect note.

Lily put on a brave smile for Charlie and Cameron, although inside, she was a broken wreck. Sean Maguire offered his hand to help her into the pew. Hers was ice cold and damp with sweat. How pleasant for him, she thought fleetingly.

His girlfriend, Maura, seemed distressed by the whole situation. In her smooth black dress and wrap, she also looked beautiful, like a Victoria’s Secret model. Next to her, Lily felt dismally ordinary.

Under the circumstances, she should not feel anything of the sort, but there it was. Her best friend was dead and Lily was having petty thoughts. She was a terrible person.

For Derek, there was a graceless but moving tribute from his caddie, who sobbed through the whole thing. Travis Jacobs had been with Derek for fifteen years and knew him in ways no one else would or could. Given what Lily knew about him, the eulogy was generous, sometimes funny and utterly sincere. When Travis concluded his reading, the sound of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World” drifted from the speakers, and Lily’s heart was seized by melancholy.

She kept an eye on Jane Coombs, who sat beside her lawyer across the aisle. Judging by her devastated expression, she was in shock and grieving deeply. Jane hadn’t had much to
say over the past few days. She behaved as though she didn’t know the children at all and was as lost as they were.

Lily tried not to think ill of the woman who had stolen her best friend’s husband, but it wasn’t easy. She distinctly remembered Crystal’s shell-shocked expression when she had come over to Lily’s house one night and said, “Derek has someone else. And I’m pregnant.” All in the same breath. Either one would have rocked her world. Together, they changed her life.

Lily tried not to think about that time. She tried not to think about all the hurt and humiliation Crystal had suffered. As she said in her tribute, Crystal had experienced soaring joys and profound blessings. That was what Lily told herself to dwell on. Not the other things, the failed marriage and the money troubles, or the fact that, right before she died, Crystal’s best friend had told her Charlie was failing third grade.

Crystal’s pain and confusion that day followed Lily to bed each night and haunted her dreams when she slept. She had no idea how to get rid of it. She glanced around the church and tried to take comfort from those gathered here—friends and associates, people from work and school.

Somehow they made it through the rest of the service, which included prayers she felt all the way down to her soul and songs that bore a hole in her heart. There was only one reason she managed to stay standing, and that was the fact that Crystal’s children were depending on her.

This was an issue, she expected, that would be addressed at the reading of the wills.

Charlie tugged on her hand. “When are we going to the seminary?” she whispered.

“Cemetery,” Lily whispered back. “In a little while. After ‘Over the Rainbow,’” she added, remembering that she had requested the version sung by the late Hawaiian artist, Iz. She
thought it might remind Cameron of the time he and Crystal had taken ukelele lessons together. He hadn’t wanted any input into the service and in general was disconcertingly quiet about the loss of his parents.

She leaned closer and said into Charlie’s ear, “Why do you ask?”

“I need to know when to really say goodbye,” Charlie said.

Lily slipped her arm around the little girl’s shoulders. “Oh, honey,” she said in an aching whisper, “you don’t ever have to say goodbye.”

L
ily had no idea what to wear to the meeting. What in the world did a person wear to the reading of a will?

Her choices were limited. Although she had been at Crystal’s place for nearly a week, she hadn’t brought much with her. It occurred to her that her school wardrobe didn’t seem quite right. A sweater embroidered with teddy bears might look fine in the classroom, but not at a serious meeting.

Her one and only business suit would suffice, she supposed. There would be lawyers present, finance would be discussed. She owed it to Crystal to appear professional.

She felt a keen sense of mission as she put on a white blouse and tied it in a crisp bow at the throat. Then she pulled on a dark A-line skirt and blazer with brass buttons. Great, she thought, stepping into low-heeled pumps. I look like Sergeant Pepper.

She pulled her hair in place with a pair of barrettes, then frowned at her image in the mirror. How did women pull this off? she wondered. Was there some trick to looking professional she didn’t know about?

The superficial questions made her feel guilty, so she quickly applied a single layer of tinted lip gloss and declared herself ready.

All three kids were in the kitchen at breakfast when she came down. Charlie was glued to the Cartoon Network, as usual, and Ashley was eating applesauce from a plastic bowl. Cameron was bent over a physics textbook, holding his head in his hand while glowering at the page. Sean had gone to see Red Corliss before the meeting.

“Hi!” Ashley banged her spoon, then held it out to Lily. “Taste.”

Lily pretended to have a bite. “Mmm, delicious.” She reached over and turned down the volume of the blaring cartoons. Once things settled down, she was going to have to curb all the TV watching. Living in a house full of children was like visiting a third world country, a place filled with color, noise and strange smells. She had been doing her best to bring order to chaos, but things kept getting away from her.

“I’m off to my meeting,” she announced. “I’ll be gone for a couple of hours, I imagine. Cameron, you’re in charge.”

“Got it,” he said in a bored voice.

“Got it,” Ashley echoed. “Out.” She squirmed in her seat.

“Cameron will take care of you,” Lily said, placing a kiss on the child’s head on her way toward the door.

As Lily drove to the downtown law offices, she had the strange feeling that this was not her life anymore. She was living someone else’s life, with children and a host of responsibilities so numerous she couldn’t even begin to address each one adequately.

An offhand promise to a friend—I’ll look after your kids, no problem—had turned into a commitment she was completely unequipped to make. She had taken the entire week off school, but come Monday, she had to go back to her own
house, to her job. Life had to go forward for all of them, and that would be one of the topics of today’s meeting.

The law offices of Logan, Schwab and Fuller were plush and quiet. She was ushered into a conference room where everyone was assembled—Sean Maguire and Red Corliss, Sean’s father, Patrick, and Derek’s girlfriend, Jane Coombs, and her own lawyer. Frances Jamison, Crystal’s divorce attorney, was present as well, Lily saw with a small eddy of relief. Everyone else was here for Derek.

Not quite, she observed as Susie Shea entered the room. The social worker was there as the children’s advocate.

Peter Logan, looking like an elder statesman in his couture suit, opened the meeting by welcoming everyone and consulting a voluminous folder of papers.

“Thank you for being here, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “I’d like to express my heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Derek and Crystal Holloway. I know their loss is deeply felt.”

Lily sneaked a glance at Sean. It had been the strangest of weeks, living with this man. He obviously cared about the children, but when it came to parenting them, he was as lost as Lily. He looked haggard but paid close attention as Logan read down a list of declarations. Next to Sean, his father, Patrick, appeared well rested and full of vitality. He was an immensely handsome man, tall and lean, with abundant salt-and-pepper hair. As Derek’s stepfather, he was the only grandparent the children had, utterly charming, with smooth manners and a winning smile. It was funny, though. When Lily looked into his eyes, she didn’t see much.

People perked up as Logan reached the meat of the reading—the disposition of Derek’s estate. There were bequests to Red Corliss, Travis Jacobs, Patrick Maguire and several other associates of Derek. He left his brother all of his clubs. Sean
looked neither pleased nor disappointed. Lily couldn’t read his expression.

“The remainder of my estate, such state consisting of—” Logan passed copies of a list around “—shall be equally divided among my beloved children, Cameron Craig Holloway, Charlene Louise Holloway and Ashley Baird Holloway. If they are of minor age at the time of my death, the inheritance is to be held in trust by Crystal Baird Holloway, or in the event that she is not available, my brother, Sean Michael Maguire, until such time as they gain their majority.”

The final disposition fell into a silence so profound that Lily could hear the man next to her—Jane’s lawyer—breathing. So Jane had been stiffed, thought Lily. Well, well, well.

The reading went on, answering the question of who the children’s designated guardian would be. First named was his ex-wife, Crystal Baird Holloway, of course. Next in line was Sean Michael Maguire. A judge of the probate court would issue an order after the noticed hearing had taken place.

More silence hung over the conference room while people digested this. Derek had not designated Jane, who claimed she had every intention of marrying him. He hadn’t chosen Patrick, either; Patrick didn’t even bother hiding his relief. No, Derek had picked Sean Maguire, his half brother, a man who had barely been a presence in the children’s lives.

The social worker quickly jotted down the information as Mr. Logan prepared to turn the reading over to Frances Jamison, Crystal’s lawyer.

Jane pushed back from the table. “I’ve heard enough,” she said quietly, then left with her lawyer.

“Not a happy camper,” Frances murmured under her breath.

Lily tried to focus on the pages Frances held before her. The document was dated five years ago, when Crystal and
Derek had drawn them up together. There were bequests to Dorothy and to Lily, who had expected nothing: “To my best friend, Lily Elaine Robinson, I leave the sum of $10,000 along with my wardrobe. Lily, you were never much for fashion, but maybe you’ve changed.”

Lily was struck by her friend’s sentiment and by the echo of Crystal’s own authentic voice. She groped for a Kleenex in her purse, but found she’d used them all up. Without a word, Sean turned to the credenza behind him and grabbed a box, pushing it across the table to her.

Crystal’s disposition to her children was identical to Derek’s except that, in the event that the children were minors, the estate was to be administered by Crystal’s mother, Dorothy Mansfield Baird. Dorothy was also named guardian of the children.

Frances tapped the stack of papers on the hard leather surface of the table. “Ladies and gentlemen, this part is problematic, which is why I’ve asked Miss Robinson to attend today. Dorothy Baird has succumbed to a massive stroke. At present, she is bedridden and shows no recognition of friends and family. Her prognosis is poor, so she won’t be able to undertake any of the responsibilities noted herein. As a matter of fact, I had a meeting scheduled with Crystal to address just this issue. She wanted to change her will, designating Miss Robinson the children’s guardian in the event that her ex-husband could not undertake that duty.”

“That contradicts Mr. Holloway’s document, which, unlike his ex-wife’s, is dated, signed and properly filed,” said Mr. Logan. “The designated guardian is supposed to be agreed upon by both parents, and since that didn’t happen, we expect the court to rule for the father’s wishes.”

Lily knew the devastation was still stark in her eyes as she lifted them to look around the table. No one even seemed to
notice that she was there except Sean Maguire. He was watching her with an intensity that made her shiver.

She ignored him and tried to focus during the rest of the proceedings. Ms. Fuller delivered a preliminary financial disclosure that seemed to take everyone but Red by surprise. Sorting through the rhetoric and studying the columns of numbers, Lily realized Derek was up to his eyeballs in debt. Crystal was in nearly as deep. With the extravagant lifestyle they’d enjoyed both before and after the divorce, they had managed to spend even more than Derek’s considerable earnings. No one said it aloud, but everyone knew that in layman’s terms, this meant they were close to broke.

Red looked around the table. “Professional golf is a heartless game. You can make a million dollars one year and the next year get zilch.”

There was a long explanation of the provisions of Derek’s insurance policy and how the bequests would work in the absence of actual cash, but Lily didn’t listen. She had other things on her mind, and when the meeting ended, she went straight to Susie Shea. “I should be taking care of the children, not Maguire,” she stated without preamble. Just like that. The decision had come to her swiftly, not really a decision so much as a compulsion. She had made a conscious choice to be alone all her life. Now she was choosing to end that isolation.

“Maybe Maguire has an opinion about that,” he stated, his tone hostile. “Maybe Maguire’s opinion is that you should butt out.”

“For the time being,” said Ms. Shea, “Mr. Maguire is the designated guardian. However, Mr. Maguire, I hope you understand that Miss Robinson means a great deal to the Holloway children.”

“I’m not going to run her off, if that’s what you’re asking, but someone needs to be in charge, and that’s me.”

Ms. Shea nodded and stepped aside to consult with the lawyers.

Lily bristled as she faced Sean. She wanted to understand what drove this man, but the two of them were worlds apart, united only by their compassion for the children. “I don’t think you’re considering the long term. This is a huge commitment.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“They’re in a post-trauma situation and just getting them through that is going to take an enormous effort,” she said. “While they’re dealing with that, life doesn’t simply stop and wait for them. There are school issues, potty training and tantrums, illness, puberty, and you never get time off for good behavior. This is a life sentence.”

“Gee, you make it sound like a real picnic.”

“This is not about having fun.”

He chuckled, but his eyes were flinty with anger. “Oh, that’s classic. ‘This is not about having fun.’” He did a wicked imitation of Lily.

She stifled a gasp of outrage. “I’m just trying to make clear to you—”

“That fun is out of the question?”

“That our priority is the children.”

“Let’s see. Which of us is better for them? You, because you’ll make sure they go to bed on time every night, or me, because I’m not afraid to let them learn that life can be fun again? Let’s ask Dr. Sachs.” He took out his cell phone.

She didn’t know what possessed her to touch him. She put her hand on his arm. “They need us both.”

He looked at her hand, then at her. Self-conscious, she moved away.

“Tell me why you’re so fired up to step in and raise these kids,” he said.

“Because it’s what Crystal wanted. Because I’d do a good
job.” She spoke with unthinking swiftness and vehemence. “I made a promise.”

He folded his arms across his chest. “I’m not hearing you say you
want
this,” he pointed out.

“I want what’s best for these children.” Suddenly the life she thought she had, the future she’d planned for herself, looked completely different. Her palms were sweating, though she resisted the urge to wipe them on her skirt. “I’m sure you want that, too, Sean. I know you care about them, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything—”

“It wouldn’t be a sacrifice. It would be…living. Doing what people do all over the world, raising a family and getting through the day. It’s common sense that the kids need stability and consistency, and since Derek’s will is clear on the point of guardianship, that means they’re staying with me.”

“I should raise them.” Even as she said the words, her blood froze in trepidation. Say yes, she thought, and then, please say no. Lily drew herself up. She’d been knocked out of the way by Derek’s will, which left his unsuitable brother as guardian. It wasn’t right. “I’m serious,” she said. “And you know I’m right.”

“My brother had another opinion.”

“Just because he chose you doesn’t mean you’re the most suited.”

“Just because you’ve known them longer and have a frigging degree in education doesn’t mean you are,” he shot back. “Besides, I’ve got something else, Lily.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m not afraid. And you are.”

Even as a denial leaped to her lips, she felt something cold and dark reverberate inside her like iron struck with a mallet. How had he known? Could he smell fear like a predator?

Lily turned away and went over to the water cooler, trying
to compose herself as she filled a cone-shaped paper cup and took a sip. He’d nailed the truth; she
was
afraid. She had built her life up around her like a wall, barricading her heart against hurt. She had never, ever planned to have a family. It was a conscious choice. She wanted her life to be her own, wanted to be free to go where she pleased and do what she wished, answering to no one. Taking on three children would change that irrevocably.

Ah, but look what it could give you, whispered Crystal’s voice in her ear. Some things are more important than being afraid.

“We’re wasting time arguing about this,” Sean said. “I need to get home. The kids deserve to know what’s going on. They love you, Lily, and if you show them that you have any doubts about this situation, they’ll know. Is that what you want?”

They love you, Lily.
The words shuddered through her. “I want them to feel safe and secure.”