Syrup

Table of Contents

 

Praise for Maxx Barry’s
Syrup

“Snappy ... satisfyingly revenge-driven, full of scary marketing tips and fizzy as Fukk.”

—
Los Angeles Times

“There’s something so nostalgic and right on the money about this novel ... a satire about youth, joyous youth, where everything is possible, where with enough ambition, organizational skills, imagination and fanatical work habits, it’s possible to get whatever you want.”

—Carolyn See,
The Washington Post

 

“A fast-paced tour through L.A., Hollywood, Madison Avenue and corporate America.”

—
Chicago Sun-Times

 

“Seductively hip ... wickedly funny”

 

“A hilarious satirical novel ... Barry has a deft ear for dialogue and a sharp-honed wit.”

—
Chicago New City

 

“Funny and fast ... A rollicking debut about a cola marketing campaign that takes on Hollywood, Madison Avenue, and corporate America in one perfectly executed triple play.”

—
Kirkus Reviews

 

“A deft, satirical indictment of an industry that makes its living pushing satire.”

—
Spin

 

“[A] terrific comic novel ... charming and hilarious.”

—
Booklist

“Scathingly funny”

—
Fort Worth Star-Telegram

 

“Offers clever commentary on America’s obsession with image and presentation ... a fun read.”

—
Across the Board

 

“Grab this book ... fun, strong, and satisfying”

—
BookPage

 

“Will have readers nodding in agreement and quoting it to their friends.”

—
Publishers Weekly

 

“Hurtles along at breakneck speed ... genuinely hip.”

—
The Age

 

“Barry is a brilliant new talent, and this is a wonderful first novel.”

—
Campaign

 

“You can’t put Syrup down”

—
Who Weekly

 

“Insanely fast-paced and unpredictable ... highly entertaining.”

—
Cream

 

“An impressive debut ... hip and clever ... a perfect send-up.”

—
FHM

 

“Sharp and funny ... clearly a writer to watch.”

—
Canberra Sunday Times

PENGUIN BOOKS

Maxx Barry is a survivor from the trenches of corporate marketing and has taught the subject at two major universities in Australia. He is also the author of
Jennifer Government.

The characters and situations in this book are entirely fictional. The story set within the Coca-Cola Company is purely of the author’s imaginings. The author has chosen the Coca-Cola Company as the cola company around which the story is built because it is the premier soft-drink company in the world. A sendup about marketing and the soft-drink industry is unthinkable without Coca-Cola. However, lest there be any doubt, the author and the publisher hasten to assure the reader that
Syrup
is not authorized in any way by the Coca-Cola Company, the trademarks Coke and Coca-Cola are owned by the Coca-Cola Company and we believe that the Coca-Cola Company and its employees would not under any circumstances behave as is portrayed in
Syrup
, including marketing a product like the one or with the name described within.

PENGUIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto,
Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell,
Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,
New Delhi-110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand
(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank,
Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

 

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

 

First published in the United States of America by Viking Penguin,
a member of Penguin Putnam Inc. 1999
Published in Penguin Books 2000

 

Copyright © Max Barry, 1999

All rights reserved

 

eISBN : 978-1-101-15369-7

I. Title.
PS3552.A7424S97 1999
813’.54—dc21 98-53485

 

 

 

The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

For my beloved Jen, always

I’d like to gratefully acknowledge those who made especially important contributions to this book: the members of the Internet Writing Workshop, particularly Charles Thiesen, for their unique and invaluable advice; Carolyn Carlson and the team at Viking, for their unending enthusiasm and skill in bringing Syrup to the shelves; and Todd Keithley, for his confidence, support and that truly spectacular demonstration of buzzmaking.

I want to be famous. Really famous.

I want to be so famous that movie stars hang out with me and talk about what a bummer their lives are. I want to beat up photographers who catch me in hotel lobbies with Winona Ryder. I want to be implicated in vicious rumors about Drew Barrymore’s sex parties. And, finally, I want to be pronounced DOA in a small, tired LA hospital after doing speedballs with Matt Damon.

I want it all. I want the American dream.

I realized a long time ago that the best way to get famous in this country is to become an actor. Unfortunately, I’m a terrible actor. I’m not even a mediocre actor, which rules out a second attractive path: marrying an actress (they inbreed, so you can’t marry one unless you are one). For a while I thought about becoming a rock star, but for that you either have to be immensely talented or have sex with a studio executive, and somehow I just couldn’t foresee either of those little scenarios in my immediate future.

So that really leaves just one option: to be very young, very cool and very, very rich. The great thing about this particular path to fame,
Oprah
and line jumping at nightclubs is that it’s open to everyone. They say anyone can make it in this country, and it’s true: you can make it all the way to the top and a vacuous, drink-slurred lunch with Madonna. All you have to do is find something you’re good enough at to make a million dollars, and find it before you’re twenty-five.

When I think about how simple it all is, I can’t understand why kids my age are so pessimistic.

I read somewhere that the average adult has three million-dollar ideas per year. Three ideas a year that could make you a millionaire. I guess some people have more of these ideas and some people less, but it’s reasonably safe to assume that even the most idiotic of us has to score at least one big idea during our lifetimes.

So everybody’s got ideas. Ideas are cheap. What’s unique is the conviction to follow through: to work at it until it pays off. That’s what separates the person who thinks
I wonder why they can’t just make shampoo and conditioner in one?
from the one who thinks
Now, should I get the Mercedes, or another BMW?

Three million-dollar ideas per year. For a long time, I couldn’t get this out of my head. And there was always the chance I could have an
above average
idea, because they’ve got to be out there, too. The ten-million-dollar ideas. The fifty-million-dollar ideas.

The billion-dollar ideas.

The interesting part of my life starts at ten past two in the morning of January 7th. At ten past two on January 7th, I am twenty-three years and six minutes old. I am just contemplating how similar this feeling is to being, say, twenty-two years and six minutes old, when it happens: I get an idea.

“Oh shit,” I say. “Oh,
shit.”
I get up and hunt around my room for paper and a pen, can’t find either, and eventually raid the bedroom of the guy I share my apartment with. I scribble on the paper and get a beer from the fridge, and by the time I’m twenty-three years and four hours old, I’ve worked out how I’m going to make a million dollars.