Sybil at Sixteen (16 page)

Meg looked at her daughters. “This has been a terrible day,” she said. “And it isn't over yet. If you'll excuse me for a few minutes, I need to change, and to collect myself.”

“Do you want some company?” Thea asked.

“Company is exactly what I don't want,” Meg replied. “Just give me a little time by myself, all right?”

Thea nodded. Meg managed another smile, and then she left, too. “I could kill Evvie,” Thea said.

“It isn't her fault,” Claire said.

“Will you stop being so noble,” Thea said. “It doesn't become you.”

“Everything becomes me,” Claire replied. “Grief, nobility, silent rage. They all look good on me.”

“I have to talk to Evvie,” Sybil said. She was starting to feel more alert, more in control. The pain was still distant, but at least her brain cells were reactivating.

“No, you don't,” Claire said. “Leave things alone, Sybil.”

“But I'm the one who told Nicky,” Sybil said. The words were out. She wondered if her sisters would hate her for them.

“I knew that,” Thea said.

“You did?” Claire asked. “I assumed you'd guessed me.”

Thea laughed. “You always underestimate me,” she said. “I knew Nicky got help from somebody. It wasn't his style to do things by himself.”

“I thought Nicky could do no wrong in your eyes,” Claire said.

“I love Nicky,” Thea said. “But I'm not a fool. And I know how desperate he's been lately. Naturally I thought of you first, Claire. But I decided Nicky wouldn't have trusted you. Besides, you'd demand too big a cut. So that left Sybil.”

“He asked me to do it,” Sybil said. “But I didn't have to agree.”

“It's very hard to turn Nicky down,” Thea said. “We all know that.”

“I still don't see why Evvie has to know,” Claire said.

“Because I want you at her wedding,” Thea replied. “You can keep me company and make fun of me and put everything in its proper perspective. Besides, believe it or not, I love you, and I don't think it's right for you to be blamed when, for once, you're innocent.”

“Evvie can hate me,” Sybil said. “I don't mind.”

“She won't hate you,” Thea said. “She doesn't hate any of us, not even Nicky. She just thinks she does, because she's hurting so badly. I know how that is, that kind of pain. It goes away with time.”

Sybil looked at her sisters. “I'm falling asleep,” she said.

Claire laughed. “Do that,” she replied. “We'll wake you when Evvie gets here, so you can make your big confession.”

Sybil wondered for a moment why nobody was taking her seriously, but she was too sleepy to care. It was the painkiller, she knew. For a moment she loved the drug that made everything seem so unimportant. Not even Nick's death mattered as she drifted into unconsciousness.

She woke up on her own, to the sound of voices downstairs. Evvie was saying something, and while Sybil couldn't make out the words, she could hear the anger in her voice.

She decided to test her legs, and she got out of the bed gingerly. Standing was difficult, but not impossible. The next trick was walking. Her cane was in a corner of the room, alongside the crutches. She knew the crutches would be easier, but she hated walking downstairs with them. She used the furniture to pull herself across the room, and reached the cane, but by the time she got there, she was exhausted. So she hobbled to the nearest chair, the one by her desk.

She looked down at the desk, saw her textbooks, and unfinished homework. She'd missed one day of school already, for Nick's funeral, and she knew she'd miss the next day as well. Maybe by Wednesday her legs and her psyche would be healed enough for her to return to classes.

Sybil took a deep breath and pictured walking down the stairs. It shouldn't be too hard, she told herself. Her fall had caused no permanent damage. She'd landed lucky, the doctor said. Even Sybil suspected she was in more pain from the events of the past few days than from her legs.

But she wasn't ready to try the trip yet, so she continued to stare at her desk. Years back, Meg had found an old desk at a garage sale, and she and Sybil had spent the summer stripping it and refinishing it. That must have been the summer Evvie spent in Eastgate. Nick loved that desk, and it was one of the few things that traveled with them wherever they went. Sybil realized she wanted it for herself. She'd ask Meg for it, to replace the one in her room.

There was a piece of paper stuck under the desk light. Sybil lifted the light up, and saw the paper was neatly folded. She couldn't remember putting anything there, but maybe it was a note she'd written awhile back, something about a homework assignment in the days when those things seemed important to her.

She unfolded the paper and saw there was only a single sentence written on it. It was in Nick's handwriting. Sybil began to cry, and it was hard to read what the note said through her tears.

You are nothing like me.

Sybil stared at the paper. There was nothing else on it, no name or date or explanation. Just the single sentence. But it was from Nick, and he meant for her to find it, so she knew it was important.

“Sybil? Are you awake?”

Sybil wiped her tears away, and thrust the note back under the light. “Come in,” she said. “I'm up.”

So they all entered her room. She was relieved to see Clark wasn't with them. This was family business, and Clark, in spite of how he felt, wasn't family.

“What are you doing up?” Meg asked. “You should be in bed.”

“I thought I'd go downstairs,” Sybil said. “My brain was willing, but my legs weren't too enthusiastic.”

“Can you make it back to the bed?” Claire asked. “Do you want some help?”

“I'm fine,” Sybil said. “I'd rather stay here. Stop treating me like a cripple.”

“Fine,” Claire said. “In that case, I'll sit on the bed myself.” Thea sat down next to her. Evvie continued to stand.

“I don't see why I was dragged back here,” Evvie said. “Or why it's so important for Sybil to be involved in all this. Sam might be calling me.”

“He'll call you here if there's no answer in Cambridge,” Meg said. “Now, sit down, Evvie, and start behaving yourself.”

“There are no seats left,” Evvie said.

“I'll get one,” Thea said, and she hopped off the bed, ran to the next room, and brought a chair back. She left the chair by Evvie's side, and gently pushed her down onto it. Nobody laughed.

“There are some things that have to be said,” Meg declared. “Things none of us may want to hear, but we have to. We are a family—yes, we are, Evvie—and we're going to behave like one. And that includes straightening out some misconceptions.”

“She's talking about me,” Sybil said. “Evvie, you were wrong. Claire didn't find out where Linda Steinmetz was. I did.”

“You did what?” Evvie said.

Sybil knew what the full brunt of Evvie's rage looked like, and she dreaded the next few moments. “I went to your apartment,” she said. “And I looked around for clues, and I found some flight numbers. I called the airline, and they said the flight was to San Diego, so I figured that must have been where Sam went. I called Nicky from your apartment and told him. Then I went to the library and found Thea, and we came back here.”

“That's why you behaved so strangely that day,” Thea said. “I knew something was wrong, but we were all so crazy, it was hard to figure out what.”

“Nicky didn't make me do it,” Sybil said. “He didn't bribe me with lollipops. I knew every step of the way what I was doing. I didn't like me for doing it. But we needed the money, Evvie. Nicky was talking about our leaving Boston, moving back to Pennsylvania, and I hated the thought of leaving here. This is the first home I've ever really had. And I was angry at Sam for acting like we weren't his family, and I was angry at you, too, for keeping secrets, and I know what I did was wrong, but I did it. So don't hate Claire. She had nothing to do with it.”

“I don't believe this,” Evvie said. “I thought Nicky was scum, but I underestimated him. At least with Claire, she'd already been corrupted. Now I find out he was willing to corrupt Sybil.”

“Give me a break,” Claire said. “You're not Little Miss Innocent, Evvie. Corrupted, my foot.”

“Claire's right,” Thea said. “Ever since you met Sam, you've been different, Evvie. Something that summer changed the way you felt about Nicky. I remember talking to you about it way back. You pulled away from all of us. Maybe it was because you fell in love with Sam, and because of his situation you had to change. But you lied to us when you didn't explain what was going on. And you weren't really here for us after Sybil's accident. You had your own little world and that was all you asked for. You never seemed to care what was happening to the rest of us.”

“That's not true,” Evvie said. “I cared. I made sacrifices.”

“Not like the rest of us,” Thea said. “I watched you today, Evvie. Sybil fell down those stairs, and you had to have been aware something happened. We were all there, and our voices must have carried. But you just kept on walking away. I know you're hurting badly, Evvie. I know you're worried sick about Sam, and you hate the fact you can't be there with him. But, dammit, you should have at least turned around to see what was happening. For four years now, you've been refusing to look, and I'm sick of it. Our father died last week. His funeral was today. You owe it to us to mourn.”

“I can't,” Evvie said. “I'm so angry at him. I keep waiting for him to walk into a room, just so I can scream at him for what he did. I know I'm being hateful, but I'm so full of hate right now. I feel like I have to take it out on everybody.”

“Take it out on me, then,” Meg said.

“Why you?” Evvie asked. “You're the only one who's innocent around here.”

“I'm the one who's most guilty,” Meg replied. “I'm the one who turned in Linda Steinmetz.”

“No you didn't,” Sybil said. “Nicky did. I told him, not you. You weren't even home.”

“I got home a few minutes later,” Meg said. “Nicky was sitting by the phone, very quiet, very disturbed. I asked him what was the matter, and at first he didn't tell me, but then, of course, he did. Nicky always told me everything. We never had any secrets.”

“You must have,” Claire said. “This family is nothing but secrets.”

Meg shook her head. “Nicky and I told each other everything,” she said. “That was how we survived.”

“Nicky told me that,” Sybil said. “The day he died.”

“So I knew where Linda was,” Meg said. “Or at least where Sam had gone. I asked Nicky if he had made the call, and he said no, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He even laughed. He said he'd been running so long, he was starting to identify with the outlaws.”

“But why did you call?” Evvie asked. “If Nicky wasn't going to, why did you? It couldn't have been for the money.”

“Why not?” Meg asked. “You think I don't have needs, too? I wanted to stay here, and I knew it was just a matter of time before Nicky insisted on a move. We couldn't afford this place. It really was Aunt Grace's last act of cruelty to leave it to me in trust. Twenty-five thousand could pay a lot of bills. It could give Nicky just a little cushion to get started again.”

“No,” Evvie said. “I don't believe that.”

“Then believe this,” Meg said. “My oldest daughter had been lying to me for six years. Because of some woman I'd hardly even heard of, her life was in jeopardy. Yes, it was, Evvie. As long as Sam had any kind of involvement with Linda Steinmetz, your life was at risk. And I wouldn't stand for that. What's Linda Steinmetz to me? I love Sam, but he's not my son. I knew it would bring him pain if his mother was arrested, but I didn't care as long as it kept you safe.”

“But I confronted Nicky,” Evvie said. “And he never denied making the phone call.”

“We've gotten into some bad habits the past few years,” Meg said. “We've taken to protecting each other. Claire was protecting Sybil just now, and I've seen you protecting Thea. Nicky was protecting me. We talked about it. He felt you were going to be suspicious as soon as Linda was caught, but as long as you blamed him, you'd still talk to me. We'd continue to have that connection. He was terrified of losing you, Evvie. He'd been scared of that since the day he talked you into going to Eastgate. He loved all his daughters, but you were his firstborn. You were his first real family.”

“So he took the blame so I'd hate him?” Evvie asked.

“You were going to hate him no matter what,” Meg said. “He couldn't stand the idea that you would hate me as well. And I was a coward. I couldn't stand that idea, either. So I let him convince me to lie to you.”

“Did you know I was responsible?” Sybil asked.

“Yes,” Meg replied. “Nicky told me everything.”

“What a mess,” Claire said.

Evvie slumped into her chair. “I love Sam,” she said. “I love him so much.”

“His pain is your pain,” Meg said. “Nicky knew that.”

“I don't even have any tears left,” Evvie said. “Claire, I'm sorry.”

“It's all right,” Claire said.

“And, Sybil,” Evvie said, “I don't even know what I feel about you.”

“I don't know what I feel about myself,” Sybil replied. “Everything keeps shifting on me.”

“It's been so easy to hate Nicky,” Evvie said. “I've watched him make so many mistakes. I don't know if I can hate you, Megs, and somehow I feel like I ought to. It isn't fair for me to hate Nicky for something you did, and then not hate you for doing it.”

Meg nodded. “When Nicky met me, I was nothing,” she said. “I was dead. I said all the right things, and I guess I had enough friends that nobody thought I was peculiar, but inside me was nothing. Nicky saw that. He understood me from that very first night. That's why he felt he had to protect me. He felt we should have lots of children, because I'd been so alone the first time we met. He worked at home so he could be near me, to touch me, to hold me, in case I needed him. Because of his love, I grew stronger, but he never stopped wanting to protect me.”