Sworn Secret (27 page)

Kate considered putting the telephone down.

‘Hello, Marlena,’ she said instead. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m, well . . . I’m obviously a little concerned . . .’

‘Oh?’ Kate tried to sound interested.

‘Haven’t you heard?’

‘Heard what?’

‘Oh my goodness. I can’t believe you haven’t heard!’

Kate didn’t reply.

‘Dr Howe’s house has been vandalized.’

Kate’s stomach hit the floor and she reached to steady herself on a kitchen chair.

‘Graffiti. All over it.’

Kate’s head swam as she struggled to breathe. ‘When?’

‘Last night.’

She looked at the ceiling and quietly swore.

‘Kate?’ asked Marlena.

She held the phone away from her and took two deep breaths. ‘I’m sorry, Marlena, I’m not feeling too good today. Do they know who did it? Kids, I suppose.’

Kate imagined policemen sitting in a darkened surveillance room at that very moment, poring over flickery images of her and Dan daubing the house.

‘You know, I don’t think it is youths.’ She paused. ‘Or even
hoodies
.’

Kate held on to the kitchen worktop for dear life as she tried to keep her thumping head straight. This was it, she was the most depraved criminal there was; she’d attacked a child, she’d taken drugs, she’d vandalized a house.

‘It’s the things written that are most disturbing. Awful things about Dr Howe,’ said Marlena. She lowered her voice to a stage whisper. ‘That he’s a
paedophile
.’

Kate wanted to die.

‘It’s scrawled all over the house, roof to foundations, and this wasn’t thugs, no, this was someone who
knows
something. Thugs use spray paint. This was gloss and matt emulsion.’

‘I’m sure it’s kids,’ said Kate, weakly.

‘No, this was a warning. The brother or father of some desperate child begging us to find out the truth. I’ve never liked that man, and I’m a jolly good judge of character. These men, these
kiddyfiddlers,
need to go to prison and have their wotsits cut off by hairy burglars.’

Kate’s aching head was cloudy, mussed up, as if someone had shaken it. Vague memories of her scrawling the word
paedophile
on to Stephen’s home flashed up. Christ, what had she done? ‘It’s just words on a house,’ she said quietly.

‘That may be, but we all know that where smoke billows fire rages—’

Kate put the phone down on Marlena and pinched the bridge of her nose. She took a deep breath, counted to five, then let it slowly out. Her head was so sore. She was losing it. She was going to end up in prison. She thought back to the night before, about how she’d walked out of the house without even a thought to Jon and Lizzie. What kind of mother was she to leave her daughter and vandalize a house?

She was hit with a sudden, overpowering urge to see Lizzie, to hold her, hug her tightly and tell her just how very much she loved her. She looked at the clock. It was nearly three. If she left immediately she’d meet her at school and they could walk home together, or maybe even go for a coffee and a slice of cake like they used to.

Kate hung across the road from the school gates and scoured the children as they poured out of school like a burst dam. She chewed the corner of her nail, worried that she wouldn’t be able to see her in the crowd. But then there she was, piling out in a group of girls. Kate lifted her hand to wave and was about to call to her, when something stopped her. Perhaps it was the group of girls she was with; she didn’t recognize any of them. One might be Sammy, and Kate wondered if she’d been unfair to disbelieve Lizzie and assume she was making up mythical friends with mythical birthdays so she could spend time with Haydn Howe.

Kate watched the girls as they walked and chatted, holding their books to their chests, laughing and pushing each other playfully. Lizzie threw her head back and squealed, flicked her hair, then readjusted her bag on her shoulder, secure, confident, outgoing. It wasn’t a Lizzie Kate knew. When she thought about Lizzie at school, she pictured a fragile girl devastated by her sister’s death. She saw her sitting on her own at lunch, head hung, tears falling into uneaten food, bereft, forlorn. But there she was, normal and seemingly happy, carrying on with her life. Kate was surprised by the rush of pride and joy that came with seeing her like this.

Kate watched as Lizzie waved a cheery goodbye to her friends then disappeared around the corner at the end of the road. She stared after her for a moment or two feeling terribly alone suddenly, as if she were the last survivor clinging to a shipwrecked boat, the one not brave enough to swim for it, preferring to sink with the wreckage rather than risk the unknown. This wasn’t her. It wasn’t who she was. Something lifted off her then. It was as if a blindfold had been removed and she was blinking into the sunshine of a brand new day. Could it be this easy? She wanted to run after Lizzie and grab her and kiss her all over, and tell her they were going to be OK.

She glanced back at the school gates. The flood of children had faded to dribs and drabs, and amongst them was a face she recognized. It was Rebecca. She was on her own, dragging her feet, drawn into herself like she wished she were invisible. If Kate believed in God she would have sworn blind that He had put Rebecca across the road from her right then, on purpose; her first test.

‘Rebecca!’ she shouted, waving wildly. ‘Rebecca!’

Rebecca glanced in Kate’s direction, caught sight of her and then began to walk quickly away.

Kate crossed the road to follow her. ‘It’s OK,’ said Kate, as she caught up with her. ‘I just wanted to say hello, that’s all.’

Rebecca sped up her walk.

‘Look,’ said Kate, having to jog to keep up with her, something that didn’t suit her hangover well. ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you when you came to see me. It’s just . . . it was, well, a shock, what you told me. And the memorial—’

‘Leave me alone,’ Rebecca whispered. ‘I’m not allowed to talk to you.’

Kate couldn’t believe how ill Rebecca looked, thinner than she’d ever been, with dull grey skin and dirty lank hair. ‘I really am sorry,’ Kate continued. ‘My behaviour . . . it was unforgivable.’ Rebecca stopped walking, her eyes bolted to the pavement in front of her. Kate laid a hand on Rebecca’s arm, but Rebecca flinched and pulled away.

‘I wasn’t in my right mind. You know that, don’t you? It wasn’t anything you did. It was—’

‘It’s not you, OK? Just leave me alone. I’ll get in trouble.’ Rebecca looked up at Kate with teary eyes.

‘With who?’ Kate tried to keep her voice calm.

‘I shouldn’t have shown you that film.’

‘Did he say that to you? Dr Howe?’

Rebecca didn’t reply. Her lip trembled as she looked over Kate’s shoulder.

‘Rebecca? I want to help you.’

‘You can’t.’

Kate stared at Rebecca, realizing then how scared she was. She wondered if maybe the web was thicker and darker than she imagined.

‘The video, Rebecca. Did he make you film them?’

Rebecca didn’t answer her.

‘Did he?’ Kate asked again.

Rebecca shook her head. ‘No,’ she whispered.

‘If it was, you have to say something. It’s illegal. Do you understand? He should be in prison for making you do it.’

‘It wasn’t him.’

‘So what, you just decided to film them?’

Rebecca shrugged and her eyes filled with tears. She dragged her sleeve across her eyes. ‘I have to go.’

‘Rebecca—’

Rebecca began to walk away, but Kate reached for her arm and gently pulled her back. She turned her to face her.

‘Did he do something to you too?’

Rebecca looked shocked, but then she shook her head.

‘To anyone else? Another child?’

‘How the hell would I know?’ she snapped.

‘I don’t know. I just—’

‘Look, please, just leave me alone,’ Rebecca pleaded. ‘I have to get to my piano lesson. I’m late.’

Kate let go of her arm and Rebecca sprang away.

‘I want to help you,’ Kate said. ‘I promise. That’s all I want to do.’

Rebecca turned away from her and hurried off, huddled and timid.

Kate wondered if Rachel knew what her daughter was going through, how scared she was, how strained she seemed. Had she confided in her mum? Rachel needed to know. If Kate had known more truth about Anna and what she was experiencing, perhaps she could have intervened, stopped the relationship with Stephen, reined Anna in. Maybe that would have been enough to save her life. Kate stared after Rebecca long after she’d disappeared from view. Even though she was tingling with nerves at the thought of facing Rachel, she had to see her; if something happened to Rebecca, if she got into serious trouble, or tried to hurt herself, and Kate hadn’t told her mother, she could never live with herself. It had been such a long time since they’d spoken. And lots had happened in that time. Kate shuddered as she recalled the memorial.

You have to
, she said to herself.
You have to make sure Rachel knows what’s going on. You owe it to Rebecca.

As Kate stood outside Rachel’s front door her pulse began to race, and when she lifted her hand to ring the doorbell she was shocked to see how much she was shaking. There was no answer for a bit, and she was about to turn away but then Rachel opened the door. She wore a clean white T-shirt and khaki shorts with a pair of gardening gloves tucked into the waistband. Her hair was brushed into a neat ponytail and her face was touched red by the day’s sun. Rachel was clearly taken aback to see her, which didn’t surprise Kate at all; this was the first time they’d been alone in each other’s company since Anna died.

Rachel gestured awkwardly over her shoulder. ‘I was in the garden.’

‘I need to talk to you.’

Rachel didn’t step aside to allow her in, but crossed her arms and looked over Kate’s head to the street beyond. ‘I really don’t think we have anything to say to each other. In fact, I think—’ But she stopped herself finishing the sentence. ‘You know, it doesn’t matter what I think. I’ve nothing to say to you.’

She stepped back from the door to close it, not allowing her eyes to catch Kate’s.

‘It’s about Rebecca.’

Rachel stopped and shook her head bitterly. ‘I can’t believe you’ve got the balls to show your face here, Kate. What you did was indefensible; don’t you dare try and excuse it.’

‘I’m not going to. I’ll regret what I did for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t insult you by trying to excuse it.’ She paused as Rachel’s façade weakened a shade. ‘But I’ve just seen her outside school and that’s the reason I’m here. I think you need to talk to her.’ She hesitated. ‘You need to ask her about Dr Howe.’

‘Dr Howe? Why?’

Kate breathed heavily out. ‘God, look, this is such a mess.’ She looked at the floor for a few seconds to ready herself. ‘After the memorial she told me something about Anna and Stephen Howe. It’s bad. Really bad, and it seems to me that there’s more she knows, more she’s keeping quiet about.’

‘Kate, this is crazy. Just leave it. She’s been through so much already. What happened at the memorial really got to her. She’s so upset still.’

Kate nodded. ‘She was upset before, as well. During the service she was crying and shouting, before I . . . did what I did. She made such a scene. There was something wrong with her then. I—’

Rachel held up her hand to stop Kate speaking. ‘I know. I heard the whole story. Not from her, from others. She’s not been right since Anna died. Not in any way.’ Rachel sighed heavily and shook her head.

‘Rebecca knows things.’ Kate hesitated and looked over her shoulder. ‘I don’t want to talk on the doorstep. Can I come in? Just for a few minutes.’

Rachel checked her watch. ‘Rebecca’s at her piano lesson. She’ll be home in an hour or so. You need to be gone by then.’

Rachel stood to the side to allow Kate to come into the hall, then closed the door.

Stepping into Rachel’s living room was like stepping back in time to the glory days, halcyon times of happy simplicity. Perhaps her viewpoint was tinted rose, but Kate could only recall good memories in that room. She looked at the leather sofa that sat along the back wall and remembered the day Rachel and Rob had it delivered. It was from Laura Ashley, in the sale, massively reduced because of a tear that nobody could see.

‘Go on,’ Rachel urged with a giggle. ‘Find the tear. Bet you can’t!’

And Jon and Kate had set on it, crawling around searching the leather. Eventually, Rachel couldn’t bear it any longer. She pulled one of the back cushions out and there was the mark, a livid slash with yellow foam padding poking mischievously through.

‘But it’s totally hidden!’ exclaimed Kate.

‘I know!’ cried Rachel. ‘Seventy per cent off!’

And then Kate laughed and congratulated her on the spectacular bargain as she collapsed on to the sofa, hands behind her head, feet up.

‘It’s comfy, too!’

‘I know!’

Then Jon had climbed on beside her, moving her over with a hefty shove. Kate smacked his shoulder playfully.

‘At least it
was
comfy before some big oaf got on and ruined it. I suggest we make a sign for it, Rach:
girls only
. What do you think?’

And then she pretended to try and push him off before giving up and rolling in for a hug.

Kate followed Rachel through the kitchen and into the garden. It had changed beyond recognition, with a decking area where the old concrete paving had been, and lots of pots of green and purple grasses, a Japanese-style water feature and various mirrored balls on a new patch of lawn that reflected the rainbow of flowers in the borders.

‘This looks great,’ Kate said. ‘What a difference.’

Rachel put her hands on her hips. ‘Well, I’ve a bit more time on my hands now I’m not picking up after a lazy husband and don’t have a best friend to waste time with.’

There was an embarrassed silence.

Rachel cleared her throat. ‘You said Bec told you something.’

Kate’s stomach turned over.

The only way is to say it straight
, she thought.

‘Yes,’ she said after a hesitation. ‘She told me Stephen Howe was having sex with Anna.’