Swept Away (12 page)

“Like someone who’d be interested in a dumb ass prick? Not at all. They just enjoy being assholes.”

“Exactly,” Natalie said with a grin. “You scared them pretty good. I doubt they ever come back.”

That was the sort of response Tucker expected.

Not Josie’s fury.

Tucker and Josie drove most of the way in silence. Josie stared out the side window, as if she feared looking forward would put Tucker in her peripheral vision.  As they got closer to Murray’s, Tucker said, “I’m sorry. I was only trying to help.”

Josie nodded, but maintained her study of the passing scenery.

Tucker sighed. Pulling up next to the cottage, he parked the car. He looked to Josie, but she didn’t seem to be any closer to talking. “Hell with it,” he said, slamming the car door as he got out.

He made his way to his cottage, fully intent on packing and leaving. A voice behind him made him turn.

“It’s not your fault.” Josie stood there. Trembling from head to toe. “They scared me. I…I’m glad you were there.” Taking a deep breath, she said, “I’m sorry I’m driving you crazy.”

Tucker shook his head. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.

Josie took a step toward him.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why, but it’s like I can’t control my emotions around you. If I’m irritated, I want to smash things; if I feel attracted, I want to strip your clothes off. I don’t understand. I’ve lived a quiet, peaceful life for years. Then you show up, and I’m on this insane roller coaster. You make me want things I can never have. I feel like I need to set boundaries to keep us under control, but then I feel so lost when you’re not with me. I am trying to find some solution, and I know…”  Her voice cracked, and she had to pause to blink back tears. “I know I’m hurting you. I feel your pain.”

Holy hell, what had he fallen in love with? Like Holly wasn’t crazy enough.

Tucker dropped himself on the kitchen chair. “So stop it. It’s not that complicated.”

Josie moved closer. Her eyes were glassy as she kneeled in front of him, her hands gentle on his knees. “My life is far more complicated than I can explain.”

“Then tell me. What’s going on?”

Pressing her lips together, she shook her head. “I can’t. That’s one of the problems. How can I be close to you when I cannot be honest with you?”

Sitting straighter, he leaned closer to her and brushed a wisp of hair from her cheek. “You can tell me anything. You can trust me.”

A tear rolled down her cheek. “I do trust you, but I still can’t. There are things I can barely think about, much less talk about it.”

Of course he wanted to know everything, but more than that—he wanted to protect her. Whatever haunted her couldn’t be her fault, and he wanted to assure her of that. But for now, her secrets were her business. “It doesn’t matter. Tell me when you feel comfortable. If that is never, then I don’t give a damn. I don’t need to know your secrets to know you.”

She cried. He lifted her off the floor and settled her onto his lap, tucking her head under his chin. Arms wrapped tight around his shoulders, she took a slow, shaky breath. “I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t want to be your friend, but I don’t know what else I can be…and if I keep pushing you away, one day there will be a Marcia, someone who will love you. Someone normal.”

“I only want you. You’re very special to me.” He kissed the top of her head. 

“But I want to be normal. I want to be rational. I want to love you and be loved by you, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Can or will?”

She took a suck of air and asked quietly, “What do you mean?”

“Stop pressuring yourself so much. Forget about the sex. I’m not some kind of animal who needs to get laid constantly. I just want to be with you.”

Her eyes were glassy, and her lips trembled.

Wrapping his hands around her waist, he asked, “Do you even want me to be in love with you?”

“More than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I just don’t know how it could ever work.”

His jaw twitched. It made no sense. Any rational guy would run from this situation. Pack his shit, get in his car, and go. But as long as she would have him, leaving wasn’t an option. His thumbs found the separation between her shirt and her jeans, and her flesh called to him. All he wanted to do was touch her. And as he looked into those clear, blue eyes, he wanted to make the world go away and forget all about what made sense. Yes, he did love her, he just didn’t know if that was enough to make her trust him.

Josie sighed. “Right now, I don’t know if I should kiss you or cry for you. You’re confused, and it’s my fault.”

“Hell yes, I’m confused.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that. You haven’t done anything wrong.”  He looked at her, locking his fingers around her waist. None of this made sense, but she was right. Neither of them was acting rationally. Back in the store, she was in full shock, and he wanted to snap necks. That anger wasn’t normal. He could blame the war, but he knew it was more.

Her hands were cool as she cradled his face. “I’m sorry I’m doing this to you. I’m trying to make sense of it all…trying to separate my fears of the world from my desire to be with you. The truth is, I do love you. And when I’m with you, I feel safe, like nothing ugly can touch me. And I’m happy. Then when you’re not with me, I’m nearly petrified you’ll leave me or I’ll drive you away. And it hurts.”

“Oh, Josie,” he said, closing his eyes against the sting. “I’d never hurt you.”

She kissed him. Slow, soft hands circled his neck, caressing the taut muscle. Wrapping his hands in her hair, he pressed her closer to him, kissed her deeper. But still it wasn’t enough. Tucking his hands under her butt, he lifted her with him as he rose from the chair. Her legs locked around his waist, she clung to him.

Holding her tight, he kissed her as he carried her to his bed and laid her down. Snuggling close to her, burying his face in her neck, he nibbled on the tender skin. Her hands gripped his shoulders. Propping himself up on an arm, he looked down at her. “I love you, Josie. There’s nothing you could ever tell me that would change that. If it would help, tell me. If you can’t talk about it, I don’t need to know anything. But no matter what, don’t you dare leave me. When I got here, my head was all screwed up. You made me feel at ease. Take that from me, and I’m nothing but broken.”

Skimming her hands down his shoulders to the waist of his shirt, she slid her hands under the worn tee to the solid flesh under it.

“Stop Josie. Just let me hold you.”

“No, it’s okay. You were meant for me.”

He pushed her hands into more neutral territory. “We’re not doing this. Give it time. Wait until you trust me.”

She broke down in tears and buried her face in his chest. Her body trembled, and he held her close, sheltering her as she let it all out. In combat, they called it decompressing. Some guys drank, some fought, some had sex. Those were the stress outlets they talked about. But Tucker knew they also found quiet places to unwind as Josie was doing, and he did what he always did—said nothing and waited until it was all poured out.

“I’m sorry,” she said, hiccoughing.

Kissing her temple, he whispered, “It’s fine.”

He handed her a clean shirt from his drawer to blow her nose.

“I’ll wash it for you,” she promised.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling. Brushing damp hair away from tear-stained cheeks. “I’ll let you blow snot on everything I own.”

A chuckle escaped her. “I’m sorry. I’m such a baby.”

“It’s all right. You’re my baby.”

Smiling up at him, she touched his cheek. “I really am lucky you’re so patient.”

“I’d wait for you for a lifetime. You’re pretty special, you know that?”

Shaking her head, her eyes glassed over again. “That’s the thing. I’m not.”

“Shush,” he said, kissing her. “I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m talking about.”

“You are the most special man ever, and I do trust you. I’d trust you with my life.” She kissed him again, rolling toward him. Her hand snaked under his tee shirt. He didn’t stop her.

“Mmm,” he said, nuzzling her, placing feathery kisses along her collar bone to the hollow of her throat.

“I want you, Tucker,” she whispered, her cheeks burning, her words breathless and nervous. “I want to belong to you. I want to close my eyes when you’re not with me and feel you.”

Tucker brushed loose hairs back. Her eyes were closed tight, but a tear slid down her cheek. He closed his eyes against her pain and leaned his forehead against her temple. “What happened, Josie? Who hurt you?”

“Shhh,” she said. “Don’t talk.” She looked up at him and smiled. Her eyes were glassy, but the happiness seemed genuine. “It doesn’t matter. No one can hurt me anymore.”

Leaning in, she kissed him. Her hand ran up his naked back. Her soft hand on his warm flesh nearly took his breath away. Rolling her onto her back and pressing her under him, he kissed her until she was pink-cheeked and breathless. He wanted her so much his body ached.

“Josie, Josie,” he whispered against her lips.  “We aren’t going to rush this.”

“I want to rush it. I want to do this.”

“I know, but I don’t.”

“You don’t want me anymore?”

“Oh hell, of course I do. I just don’t want to go back to where we were.”

“We won’t. I need this. I need you. I swear.”

“This is a cruel game.”

“No, it’s different now. I know it’s not bodies out of control. It’s you loving me, right? You love me?”

“Of course, I love you.”

“Then trust me.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

Kissing him, she pulled his shirt over his head. Her fingers traced the outline of his tattoo lightly before she kissed the area above his breast. “You’re not here by accident. It was fate.”

“I have no idea. For all I know, you could be some crazy witch stealing my heart and making it do flip flops.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, pulling away.

Drawing her back, grabbing one of her legs and pulling it over his waist, he kissed her. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry. I don’t care if you’re a damned succubus; I surrender.”

As his fingers loosened her buttons, his lips followed the trail of exposed flesh. Her hands gripped his shoulders. He lifted her hips off the bed as he undid her jeans and slid them off. Taking a moment, he gazed down at her. Part of him was amazed she was here, bared and waiting on him. But there was another part of him that hated himself for not walking away.

Rolling onto his back, he pulled her with him. She nestled against his chest and sighed. Smoothing her hair over silky shoulders, he finally felt peace. He did love her—more than anything or anyone in his life. Her fingertips traced the muscles in his chest as her breathing slowed. “You going to sleep?” he asked.

He could feel her smile against his skin. “I could,” she said.

“You all right?”

She smiled up at him. “Perfect. Just keep telling me you love me. Tell me I’m not crazy. We’re soul mates. We’re meant to be together.”

“We were meant to be together. You’ve made me happy. Happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Mmm, it feels so good. Loving you.”

“I’m not letting you go home tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Because last time I left you this happy, you hated me the next day.”

“I didn’t hate you. I was worried you thought…“ her words drifted to silence as her lips folded in and pressed together.

“We’re past that. I followed a ghost here, and I found you. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is.”

She rested her cheek against his bicep. “A ghost?”

“Long story. And I’m starved. You want some food?”

“I do. You should make me something. I earned dinner in bed.”

“That you did.”

Josie rolled onto her stomach and nestled herself into his bed while he threw on boxers and headed to the kitchen. He threw a plate of pizza pockets into the microwave and yelled over his shoulder, “Don’t you go to sleep on me. Not after I’ve slaved over this microwave.”

Josie’s giggles were muffled by the pillow.

Tucker carried in two plates of food. Josie sat up, tucking her legs under her. “What are these gourmet treats?”

“Pizza pockets. All the goodness of Italy rolled into a tiny crust.”

Josie popped one in her mouth. “Oh my, an international treat? You are full of surprises.”

“I am.”

Wiping her lips with her napkin, she asked, “You mind if I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer.”

He set his empty plate on the nightstand next to his bed and stretched out beside her. “Ask anything you want.”

“Would you tell me about Holly? Did you love her?”

Heat ran up his neck to his cheeks. These sorts of talks were never good. And his story was worse than most. He rubbed his chin.

“Never mind,” she said. “I shouldn’t have asked that. We barely made it through the last two days, and I’m digging up more trouble. It’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s your business. It’s just tough to talk about. I’m the bad guy in the story.”

She handed him her plate and took his hand. “I find that hard to believe.”

He gave her hand a squeeze. Maybe if he was honest with her, she’d be comfortable telling him what she was hiding. Or maybe she’d think he was a prick and hate him. “What do you want to know?” Tucker asked.

“How did you meet?”

“We went to high school together. For the most part, we were just friends. We dated occasionally, went to a few dances and prom together, but we were never very serious.” Unless they were drunk and horny, but he didn’t add that. “Sounds normal,” Josie said with a shrug.

“Well, when I decided to go to the Marines, my mom was furious. Totally out of her mind. She wouldn’t talk to me, hell she barely looked at me. She wouldn’t even give me a ride to the processing station; I had to take a bus.”

“Was she mad, or was she afraid?”

Tucker sighed and looked across at Josie. He hadn’t considered his mom had been afraid. He assumed she was being her usual controlling self. “Yeah, she probably was afraid. No matter the reason, it still sucked to be going through boot camp and get the cold shoulder from your mom.”

“Your mom wouldn’t write or call?” Josie’s head tipped sympathetically.

“I never sent her the address or phone number.” Tucker suddenly realized he may have been as stubborn and childish as his mother. “Anyhow,” he continued, “I did have Holly. She’d write and call. And when I graduated boot camp, she surprised me by showing up. After graduation, she sort of stuck around.”

Josie shifted, tucking a pillow behind her back. Tucker paused his story, watching her get situated. Josie patted him on the cheek and said, “And then?”

He rested his head on her thigh. “We got an apartment together.”

“You lived with her?”

“I uh…”

“It’s okay. I was surprised is all. So what? You lived with her? You don’t now, right?”

Tucker wiped sweat off his brow. “No, definitely not.”

“Did you love her?”

“I thought I did. I realize now that I didn’t. We had fun together. And since her parents weren’t too excited about her living with me, we got engaged.”

Josie’s brow rose for the briefest of moments. Tucker sat up so he could see her face, be ready to grab her if she tried to run away. 

“Go on. I swear, Tucker, you’re not in trouble. You’re sweating.”

He wiped the sweat away. “Well, the engagement didn’t last long. I got my orders to deploy to Iraq. Holly went home to her parents and within a month, she was bored. I suggested she take some classes…even sent her the money to pay for them.”

“That was sweet. See? Not a bad guy.” Josie rubbed his hand with her thumb.

“Yeah, well, you remember that at the end.”

“I will,” she said with a light laugh.

“She started school, and evidently being a college student with a boyfriend overseas was more stressful than being in a warzone, so she broke up with me.”

“Dang, Tucker. She’s a bitch. Seriously? I get these strong feelings of guilt from you over her, and I don’t at all understand why.”

“I didn’t feel guilty about that. To be completely honest, I was happy to be free of the relationship. I was having more damned fun dodging bullets in Iraq than dealing with her at home.” He grinned.

“When do you become the bad guy?”

“When I came home after my first tour, I was out with friends—of course we had the same friends—so we bumped into each other first night out. One thing led to another, and before I realized, I was back at her place.”

A nod was all Josie offered.

Tucker licked dry lips and explained, “It seems really stupid now, but when you’re half drunk and home on leave, bullshit is easier to swallow. She swore she never cheated. That even after she broke it off, there was no one for her but me.”

“So, then what happened?”

“The next morning, I was eating a bowl of cereal when her roommate joins me and starts telling me what a lying tramp Holly is. How she cheated on me repeatedly, and I bought her lies hook, line, and sinker.”

“Wow, what a crappy roommate. Were you upset?"

“No, it was perfect. I was free. As soon as I woke up that morning, I wondered how the hell I was going to get out of the situation. I mean out of all the women I could’ve hooked up with, it had to be her? I knew I didn’t love her, but I owed her something more than a booty call.”

“By having proof she cheated and lied, you didn’t owe her anything?”

“Nope. Nothing. With that proof, I was done. When she got back from her morning jog, it was easy to break it off.” Tucker didn’t mention all the curses and shit Holly threw at him. For the record, he knew to never dump a woman in a kitchen ever again. Cabinets were filled with weapons and projectiles.

“Personally, I think you did the right thing to break up.”

“I know I did.”

“Then why feel guilty? Why are you the bad guy?”

Tucker rubbed his chin. “Holly was always a bit insecure. She was beautiful, but she needed attention constantly. And she had so many self-destructive tendencies. Total drama, twenty-four seven.”

“That’s hardly your fault.”

“But I knew her, Josie. I knew my walking away would send her into a spiral, but I didn’t care.”

“Did she? Spiral, I mean?”

“Oh yeah, she went nuts. Drank too much, way too often. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if drugs weren’t involved. Then she got mixed up in a sex tape. I heard it was pretty nasty. I could never bring myself to watch it, although at least ten people sent it to me. It was everywhere. I knew she had to be humiliated. I thought I should call her then…“

“And what? What were you going to call her and say? That you saw her tape? Me, personally? I’d rather the people I care about not know the things that humiliate me. And what were you going to say,
Hey, saw your sex tape…looking good
?”

Tucker chuckled. Ash had said the same thing. “I don’t know. I could have assured her it would blow over. People would forget.”

With a shrug, Josie said, “That might have helped, but I doubt it. She seems like the type who does what she wants without regret—until she gets caught.”

“Maybe. But this was publicly humiliating for her.”

Josie pulled her hand back. Twisting her hair into a knot at the back of her head, then letting it fall over her shoulders, she exhaled hard “Look, I don’t mean to sound heartless, but I…” Her cheeks couldn’t have blazed redder if she’d been burned. “I had a friend who was raped. Held by force and…well, you understand, right?”

Tucker nodded.

“Well, when she told people, trying to get someone—anyone—to help her, they called her a liar. So, I’m sympathetic to the effects of trauma paired with public humiliation.  I feel bad for Holly, truly I do. People have no right to tape things and send them all over, but still—she made the choice. My friend had no choice. She had no one to rescue her. I’m sorry, but none of that is your fault. It isn’t your mess to clean up.”

“I’m sorry…about your friend. Men like that...they don’t deserve to live. Did the guy—”

“Yes, he finally went to jail, and in time, she got over it.” Josie waved off the conversation, asking quickly, “Did Holly ever get over it?”

“No. She, uh…she drove her car off a bridge.”

Josie’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. “She didn’t do it on purpose, did she?”

With a heavy shrug, he said, “I don’t know. I want to think it was an accident, but in the last message she sent me, earlier that night, she said I didn’t have to worry about being embarrassed or bothered by her ever again.”

A silence settled over them.

“That’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t hate her. I certainly didn’t want her to die. She sent me message after message begging me for help, and I ignored her.”

Wordlessly, she pulled him to her resting his cheek against her breast.

“I could have changed that, Josie.”

She kissed his temple. “No. It’s still not your fault. She was an adult, and those choices, as horrible as they were, were hers. What were you supposed to do? Let your whole life be a train wreck to save hers? You’re a good man, Tucker. Don’t you ever, ever doubt that.” Leaning over, she kissed him. 

They lay there quietly, holding each other until the shadows lengthened to darkness. Her words broke the silence. “The only way you’d have made her happy was to take her back. Then your whole life would have been one drama after another, and you deserve better than that.”

He nodded. Logically, he knew she was right, but his heart didn’t agree.

***

A storm blew in—a real powerhouse that bent the trees so low to the ground they looked like they were rubber. Metal business signs flapped like flags, banging against buildings. One sign kept clanging and clanging until it flew off, and Tucker barely ducked in time to miss it. The sign lay at his feet,
Forget Me Not Gifts
. It was then he heard her scream. “Josie,” he called. He moved through the stinging rain, calling for her. Then she was beside him. When he turned to grab her, she screamed, her mouth opening wide like it was unhinged and twisted. Her eyes flashed black, and she hissed, “You promised to help me.”

Then he woke. His body was soaked in sweat, even though the window unit was constantly pumping out cold air. He tossed the blankets off and rubbed his eyes.  Trying to slow his breathing, he looked around the room. Josie was gone. He jumped out of bed, dressed, and headed out into the night. The clouds were thick, blocking the moon and every single star in the sky. Using his phone as a light, he made his way to the little graveyard.

“Josie,” he whispered.

Twigs snapped, and he heard her moving. It wasn’t until she was a few feet away that he could see her.

“Did I wake you?” she asked.

“No, I…I just woke up. Why are you out here? What the hell is it with you and the graveyard?”

“I already told you. It’s peaceful. I come here to pray.”

He took her hand and started leading her back to the cottage. “You know they make churches for that. Murray said he told you to stop.”

She shrugged. “What Murray doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“Well, it’s creepy. I wish you’d stop, too.”

Josie laughed. “It’s only because you don’t understand.”

He stopped, pulling on her hand to bring her back to face him. “So, explain to me.”