Sweet Stuff (30 page)

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Authors: Donna Kauffman

BOOK: Sweet Stuff
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It wasn’t until the images and memories finally began to coalesce into an accurate picture of what their lives had really been that she understood the real, painful truth: he’d never loved her. Of course, it might have been the only way he knew how to be a partner, how to love. What did that say? What she saw so clearly was that he hadn’t loved her the way she’d assumed he had, or in the way she’d counted on him to. Much less the way she’d loved him.
What she’d thought of as their inseparableness had been Jeremy’s neediness. He’d relied on her for everything. It had made her feel wanted. Strong. Equal. Loved. But when had he ever been there for her? Those times when he appeared to anticipate her needs, brought home dinner—or got her a spa day—she saw that he was really serving his own needs.
That led her to a more personal, painful truth. She’d spent most of the time after their breakup wondering what had been lacking in her, where had she gone wrong, what hadn’t she done right, or what did she need to improve about herself. The only person she’d been letting down and disappointing, whose love she hadn’t been living up to ... was her own.
What she’d needed to do to improve herself was, essentially, grow a pair. Value herself. Acknowledge she had needs that were at least as important as his. Stand up for herself.
Be
herself.
Somehow, somewhere along the way since coming to Sugarberry, she’d become that woman. The woman she should have been, and should have lived up to, all along.
That woman wouldn’t have put up with Jeremy’s “particu-larness,” at least not without asserting some “particularities” of her own. That woman would have seen through the affection and recognized it as clinginess. In fact, had she been then the woman she was right now, she’d never have fallen in love with Jeremy Wainwright in the first place.
Riley’s eyes blinked wide open.
Wow
. When, exactly, had she stopped loving Jeremy? And how?
Had it come from finally making choices purely for her self? Had it come from making new friends, real friends? From gaining confidence in who she was, merely by getting up every day and being that person without having to make adjustments for any other person? On the heels of that realization was another revelation. While Jeremy definitely made it known what he expected from her, she realized she’d made a lot of personal adjustments in anticipation of what he’d want. That was entirely on her. Oftentimes, he’d never even asked. She’d made sure he didn’t have to—which meant keeping expectations that, in essence, she’d created herself.
Not that Jeremy wasn’t a complete and utter bastarde! for what he’d done to her, but if she’d been remotely the person she was now, she’d have seen through his bullshit so early on, he’d never have had a chance to pull that selfish stunt on her. She’d have dumped his self-centered ass long before.
She laughed silently at herself, wondering why on earth if felt so good to realize what a ridiculous, blind, needy, clinging dork she’d truly, truly been. Finally ... she got it. She really got it. She knew exactly who she was. And therefore ... who she’d never, ever be again.
That brought her to Quinn.
She shifted, propped her chin on his chest, and watched him sleep. Had he been part of the transformation? She knew the answer to that. And it was a relief. No. She’d already become who she needed to be, a better woman, a better friend. She’d done that for herself, no one else.
She thought about Quinn’s words that day on the beach, about her valuing herself, trusting herself, and finally she understood what he’d been trying to tell her. She’d been that better woman. She just hadn’t tried her new confidence out yet. He’d given her the chance to see herself for who she was now ... and to put that newfound knowledge to work.
Just as her friendships with Lani and Char had helped her to see her value as a friend, Quinn had allowed her to realize her true value as a partner. He had been that final piece falling into place, showing her what a real partner was in return. It was what she’d seen with Lani and Baxter, Char and Carlo. Quinn was someone who would be there for her, see her for who she really was ... and support that person. Maybe even love that person. He’d encouraged her, pushed her to believe in what he knew to be true, to believe she was the woman he was falling for. And trust that woman could handle falling right back.
And she had. Oh yes. Yes, indeed she had.
Chapter 21
Q
uinn had been awake for some time before he let Riley know about it. He lay there, almost hearing the singing of the wheels as they spun around, furiously, inside her head.
He wished like hell he knew where those spinning wheels were taking her. He couldn’t see her face, so he had no easy gauge.
He hadn’t forgotten a single, heart-searing moment of what they’d done together in that bed this morning, and he knew she hadn’t either. It had been wild and raw, driving him so far past anything he’d experienced in the way of pure, unadulterated pleasure. They’d given themselves over to it with utter abandon and intensity, and had been amply and exhaustively rewarded.
He knew there was trust in that, to let go and to reach like they had. It wasn’t just about heart-slamming, body-pounding sex. What they’d done was possible only because they’d given themselves to each other, trusting the other to match them shout for shout, thrust for thrust.
And then there was that second time ... He squeezed his eyes more tightly shut against the sudden hot sting he felt as tears welled.
He loved her. Hard. Complete. Epic. It was his grandparents’ love story. It was the reason Joe and Hannah’s love story was thumping out of him. And it was going to be his own love story ... . if he hadn’t just scared the living bejesus out of her while he’d let everything bottled up inside him come pouring out in one steady flowing, never-ending stream of gushing emotion.
For the very first time, he understood the depths of the soul-chilling fear that had kept Riley from reaching for love again. It would hurt more than a little if she left him now, if she decided, nope, this wasn’t going to be it for her.
She was it for him. If she walked away, she’d be ripping out everything that was good inside him, and taking it right along with her.
How did anyone go on after something like that? How did anyone even think such a risk was anything other than the most insane act they could ever willingly embark upon? Who in their having-ever-loved mind would put themselves in that place, knowing firsthand the risks they were taking?
Riley had
, his little voice snuck in and whispered.
She had at that. She’d taken the initial leap. She might not land where he wanted her to, but the respect he had for how innately strong she truly was had grown to stratospheric heights as he’d lain in bed. He doubted he would ever be able to do the same.
It also gave him a new understanding of his father’s choices. Riley might not understand what she’d done in moving forward, but Quinn understood it. His father had chosen the opposite of Riley. He’d chosen to completely close himself off from feeling anything for anyone. He’d turned inward, focusing on things meaningful to him, like his work, that he could walk away from at the end of the day.
Riley hadn’t done that. She thought she’d closed herself off from risking her heart. But look what she’d done. She’d taken her dog and run away to hide, yes. But she’d made a home for herself here. Made friends, good friends. Made a place for herself in the community, cared for people, as they’d come to care about her. Started, in essence, the family that her fiancé’s choices had robbed her of having. To take it one step further, she’d taken on a job that allowed her to turn house after house into home after home, to pour all of what she wanted into everything she did. He wondered if she realized that instead of closing any part of herself off, she’d put herself out there.
He hoped he’d have done the same. He thought about his life. He kept people at arm’s length. Friends were casual, or more associates and peers than real buddies. He’d tried to reach out to his father; it wasn’t that he didn’t want family. The bottom line was, the people who presently had the deepest entrée to his personal life were on his payroll, for God’s sake. Not that they hadn’t developed an honest respect and affection for one another ... but was that the best he could do when it came to building a family?
And there was Riley.
Maybe he’d just needed someone to show him the way. How to bridge the gap between himself and his father ... to his grandparents.
Thank God for her all over again. He’d been correct, believing that when it was the right thing, it became more all on its own. Important and special, there was no other way for it to be. It was the most mysterious thing, and the simplest thing in the world to see—when he’d finally seen it.
What in the hell could he do so she’d love him back?
He felt her subtly shift her weight, and felt her gaze, even with his eyes still closed, steadily on his face. He debated on how to handle this morning. What he wanted to do was open his eyes and tell her he loved her, straight out. He realized that he was dying to tell her, to share it with her ... as he did every other thing that happened as his days bumped along. She’d so swiftly become his friend and his lover, his companion and his cohort. How could he keep something so important from her?
He cracked one eye open, and her brown eyes were shining right into his. A smile immediately curved those beautiful, lush lips. Everything inside him relaxed.
Calm down, Brannigan.
He had time. Thank God. No need to rush things and blow it. She was happy and smiling. That was enough. For now. He’d tell her when she was ready. He could wait for that. He’d waited his whole life, after all.
He opened his other eye and let himself enjoy the simple and exquisite pleasure of drinking his fill of her, understanding he was already half-buzzed on love.
“Morning, Cap’n,” she said, all double dimples, and looking like the cat with the proverbial canary.
His grin was slower, but curved just as deeply. He lazily wrapped one of her blond curls around his finger and tugged her gently closer. “So”—the word came out as a gravelly drawl—“I can’t wait to play doctor and naughty nurse.”
She snorted a little giggle, which made him chuckle. “Can we take turns with the roles?”
He lifted his eyebrows, but pretended to give it some thought. “Okay. But candy stripes really aren’t my color.”
There was a scratching sound at the stateroom door.
Riley lifted a warning finger. “No stethoscope for Brutus. He’ll just eat it.”
Quinn laughed huskily. “So noted.” He glanced at the clock. “Uh-oh. Somebody is really late for work.” He lightly slapped her butt. “Naughty pirate wench.”
“I didn’t get the chance to tell you earlier, as you were too busy ravaging my lusty and voluptuous pirate booty. I don’t have to be there until eleven.”
“That might be the second best news I’ve had so far today. What say we go avail ourselves of that hearty repast?”
“That sounds heavenly. I’ll take your pirate matey out there in the hall for his walk if you’ll do the reheating.”
“Deal.”
She started to shift so she could sit up, but stopped and leaned down, kissing him, not on the mouth ... but on his chest. Right over his heart. She looked up, and there was a spectacular shine in her eyes. “What was the first best news you’ve had today?”
All of his carefully laid plans went right up in smoke.
“That I love you.”
She froze.
He closed his eyes.
Seriously, Brannigan
? The single most important thing, the
only
thing he had to get right, and—
“Good,” she whispered.
He froze.
“Quinn.”
He opened his eyes.
She was smiling, dimples winking, brown eyes dancing, freckled cheeks blooming pink. Her hair was a wild halo around her head. She had a Bullwinkle bandage on her elbow, and her massive dog was heavily snort-breathing under the bedroom door. “I didn’t want you to have your eyes closed the first time I told you I loved you.”
Suddenly it was the Fourth of July inside his head, his heart, and he was pretty sure all over the universe as he knew it. He rolled her to her back, framed her face with his hands.
“You do.” Making it more statement than question, he needed to make sure he hadn’t gone to some parallel dimension in his head after blurting out his own admission. “You’re sure?”
She placed her hand over his heart. “I, Riley Brown, love you, Quinn Brannigan, with my whole messed-up, beat-up, but resilient-as-all-hell heart.”
“How?”
She spluttered a laugh. “
How
? What do you mean, how? Hopefully really, really well.”
He tried to get his galloping heart and his even more unruly thundering thoughts under control. “It wasn’t that long ago that you couldn’t even—”
She touched his lips with her finger. “You helped me figure it out, to see who I’d already become. You pushed me, you believed in me, you badgered me ... and this morning you loved me. At least that’s what it felt like to me.”
“It was. I am so head over heels in love with you.”
Sudden tears sparkled on her lashes, but the light in her eyes was a joyous one. “That’s what I knew I wanted to get to. I watched you sleep this morning, and I thought over everything, and I have clarity now. I see what it was with Jeremy. What I was. And what I wasn’t. I know who I’ve become, Quinn. A woman who wants to love and be loved, and who finally understands how. Then I looked at you ... and realized I’m already there.”
“Would you have told me? Had I not—”
“I don’t know.” He appreciated that truth. Because it helped him to believe the rest.
She smiled again. “Were you planning on telling me?”
“I wanted to. I wanted to shout it. But I wanted you to have time and space. I wanted you to be more sure. Of me. Of you.”
“What happened?”
“You kissed my heart, and then you smiled at me with your heart in your eyes. When you asked me what the best news was, there was nothing to say but the God’s honest truth. I couldn’t
not
say it.”
Her eyes grew extra shiny and the self-deprecating laughter that followed was sweet music. “I’m pretty sure that’s what I would have done, too. But I’m glad you said it first.”
“Sure, sure,” he teased, “piggyback on.” Just like that, everything slid back into place, that rhythm, that space they’d carved out just for the two of them, that only they understood, where only they existed.
“Look at it this way,” she said. “You got to hear it like I did, all curled up in our bed, happy and satiated after an amazing morning of hot sex and wonderful lovemaking. Left up to me, you know I’d have probably blurted it out at the most inappropriate time, in God only knows what place, or in front of who knows who.” She lifted her head, and kissed his mouth. Gentle, sweet, pure. “I’m glad we got to have it right here on our little pirate ship, just between the two of us.”
A bellowing, door-rattling
woof
reverberated around the stateroom.
“Three of us,” she amended, and they laughed.
“Can I tell you the third best news?”
“You don’t have to be the one to take him for a walk?” Riley guessed.
Quinn rolled to his back and slid her on top of him. “You said our bed.”
“Well, it is our bed. Wait, you don’t think we’re going to share it with—” She nodded to the door.
He barked out a laugh. “Uh, no. He can sleep on the floor if he wants though.” He nestled her more snugly on top of him. “I just liked that instead of yours and mine ... there’s an ours now.”
“Yeah,” she said, and leaned down. “Yours,” she breathed, as she kissed him long and slow, bringing all those banked embers back to life. “Mine,” she panted, sliding his hand down until it covered her breast, where he rubbed, rolled, tweaked.
He lifted her hips even as she started to do so herself, sliding her body down over his, until they were fully, completely joined.
“And ours,” they said together.
 
Outside the door, Brutus rested his mighty head on his paws as he made himself more comfortable. He’d wait. It was okay. After all, he had a family to look after now.
With that in mind, he rolled slowly over to his side, letting out a long, sleepy sigh as he relaxed his back against the door. Yep. It was a job he planned to take very, very seriously. As laughter pealed on the other side of the door, and someone burst into song, he closed his eyes ... and let his tongue loll happily to the side.

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