Sweet Starfire (13 page)

“I assumed you were sitting here brooding. We had talked about your brother earlier, and there was that light-painting you did. And you’ve been drinking so much before you go to bed lately.” She lifted one shoulder helplessly. “I thought perhaps sad memories were still bothering you.”

He closed his eyes in obvious disgust. “I should have known better than to try to take a fake Harmonic to bed.” His lashes lifted, revealing a hard, glittering gaze only slightly skewed due to the amount of Renaissance Rose ale in his system. “Let’s get one thing understood here, not that it’s going to do me any good to explain it. I have not been sitting here getting spaced every night since you’ve been on board because I’m suffering from deep depression. Jeude was killed a little more than two years ago. I learned to handle that some time back. In fact, I spent one reeting hell of a year as a bonus man on Renaissance, learning to deal with what happened to Jeude. I don’t need some damned therapist. Renaissance was my therapist. I do not spend every night drinking myself into a stupor because of Jeude.”

“I see.” She wondered what a bonus man was.

“No, you don’t, but I’m too drunk to explain it to you.” He rose to his feet with her in his arms.

Cidra’s sense of balance wavered unpleasantly again as Severance staggered a bit, trying to regain his own equilibrium. She clutched at him and tried to wriggle free. “Put me down, please.”

“I should.” He started toward the tiered bunks. “I should put you down right in the middle of my bed and make love to you until you can’t think. I’ve decided that thinking is part of your problem, Cidra. The Harmonics taught you to think too much. Gave you too much education. Oughta be a law against teaching fake Saints to think. Therapy. Saints in hell! The last thing I needed tonight was therapy.”

“Severance…?” She realized that he wasn’t going to stand her on her feet. Alarm shot through her as they neared the bunks.

“Sure as first-class postage, I’m going to regret this.” He halted and lifted her high in his arms.

“Severance!”

Before she could protest further, he dropped her onto the top bunk. Physically it was something of an accomplishment, Cidra had to admit as she tumbled out of his arms and onto the bed. The act of lifting her that high required extensive use of the muscle tone he had obviously been developing on his exercise machine. Considering the fact that he’d been drinking strong ale for hours, it was an even more amazing performance.

Fred awakened with a shudder as Cidra bounced on top of him. She gasped as she felt him move under her leg. For a split second she was afraid that the rockrug might react instinctively, taking a chunk out of her ankle. But he simply slithered to one side in what probably passed for a huff among his species.

Severance glowered at Cidra over the edge of the bunk. “For a while back there you weren’t thinking in therapeutic terms, lady. For a while you weren’t even thinking in Harmonic terms. For just a short time you were thinking and acting like a real female Wolf. Like a woman. Wonder what the noble Mercer would have thought if he’d seen you with your fancy gold nails digging into a Wolf’s neck.”

Cidra followed Fred’s example and slithered back a few inches. “There’s no need to bring Mercer into this.”

“You’re right. He wouldn’t have the vaguest idea what was going on, would he? He wouldn’t have known what you were feeling when you were clinging to me like a sexy little snapcat. But I do know, Cidra. I felt what you were feeling.”

She flushed under the words, remembering from somewhere that the snapcats found in the central plains of Lovelady’s main continent were well known for their almost constant state of being in heat.

“I understand why you’re trying to insult me, Severance. You’re upset and you’ve had too much ale. If you have any sense, you’ll fall into your bunk and pass out. As for me, I don’t have to discuss this sort of thing with you. If you want to talk about it in the morning when you’ve calmed down and are no longer spaced, I’ll be willing to sit down and talk. Until then I’m going to sleep.”

He shook his head in mock admiration, hands on his hips. “Understanding, intellectual, and formal to the last. A true inspiration to the rest of us lowly mortals.”

“Good night, Severance.” She turned her back to him, sliding down into the bedding and pulling it up to her throat. She was trembling, but she knew she had to remain quiet and firm. Giving him anything to react to would be inviting more trouble. Severance was obviously spoiling for a fight. All the pent-up, tension that he had been unable to release on her body was being funneled into a different sort of release. He was a Wolf looking for combat.

Cidra had had her share of classes in Wolf psychology.

“Cidra!”

She flinched as she felt his hand on her arm. “Please, Severance. Go to sleep. I don’t think you’re going to want to remember this in the morning.”

“You’re probably right.” His hand fell away. “With any luck I won’t.”

A small jolt went through both bunks as Severance’s full weight hit the bottom one. An unnatural quiet filled the cabin. Cidra’s eyes were wide as she gazed at the bulkhead wall. Severance had warned her more than once that the cabin of a mail ship could be a very small place for two people.

“I hope,” Severance muttered from the lower bunk, “that you have a lot of trouble falling asleep tonight.”

Cidra was quiet for a moment, remembering the feel of his hands on her. She ought to keep her mouth shut, but the question was out before she could stop it. “Severance? How did you get those scars on your hands?”

“Don’t you ever stop asking questions?” He paused for a moment, then let out a deep sigh. “I had a run-in with a killweaver once. Their webs leave marks. We can’t all have soft, smooth hands like yours, Cidra.”

Cidra wanted to ask more questions on the subject, but common sense finally won over to stop her. But she was awake for a very long time trying to analyze the events of the last hour. There was a great deal to assess, but a single, stark fact emerged from all the rest and would not dissolve: She had reacted to Severance’s lovemaking with a dismaying intensity. Somehow she needed to deaf with that because the discovery of her own desire was a threat to the future she envisioned.

Step by step she reran the scene in her mind. She had gone to Severance initially out of compassion. Very well, that was an understandable, even laudable, motivation. When he had initiated the embrace, she had sensed a raw need in him that she assumed was based on his effort to break the brooding mood caused by thoughts of his brother. Her response to his kiss had again been understandable, if not exactly within normal bounds. She had instinctively wanted to comfort him. It was an extension of the compassion she had felt.

But compassion and the desire to comfort had all too quickly metamorphosed into something else—something dangerous. Ever since she was a child she had learned to keep a tight rein on the emotional reactions that betrayed her Wolf heritage. There was no other way she could hope to fit into Harmonic society.

Severance had a way of shaking loose the grip she worked so hard to maintain, and tonight he’d succeeded in unleashing a very primitive, very Wolf side of her nature.

Bravely Cidra faced the implications. She was a Wolf. But if her quest was successful, she would be able to transcend her status. In the meantime there would be times when her actions would not be those of a true Harmonic. She had known that all her life. Nothing had changed tonight. She could deal with the problem. And in one sense her actions tonight were perfectly comprehensible. After all, she was bound to be curious about certain aspects of her nature. Every thinking human being, Harmonic or Wolf, needed to explore and understand his or her own personality. It was a sign of maturity.

Cidra began to relax as she found the handle she needed to accept her responses in Severance’s arms. Like it or not, part of her was still Wolf. That part had a right to be investigated, analyzed, and understood. Someday, when she found the object of her quest, she would be leaving behind the Wolf components of her nature. It only made sense to learn something about those components while she could. No knowledge was to be disdained. And knowledge, she told herself firmly, was all she had been seeking in Severance’s arms.

Her response to Severance had been in the nature of an experiment.

Severance awoke with a headache that must have rivaled the one the Screamer had given Cidra. He opened his eyes with great caution. The smell of hot coffade was wafting through the cabin. Unmoving, he stared up at the bottom of Cidra’s bunk.

In a just universe any man who’d had as much Renaissance Rose ale as he’d had the night before would have suffered a convenient lapse of memory. But Severance had learned long ago that the universe was short on justice, at least in the tiny corner occupied by the worlds of Stanza Nine.

‘Gesics. He needed a fistful of the fizzers. Slowly Severance sat up on the edge of the bunk, realizing that he hadn’t bothered to undress before passing out. A swirl of red materialized at his elbow. Coffade was thrust into his hand. Severance decided he wasn’t too proud to take it. First things first, and the noble apologies could come later.

“Thanks,” he muttered. “You know where I keep the ‘gesics?” “I’ll get you one.” The too-cheerful red morning surplice robe moved toward the small locker where the ship’s medical stores were kept.

“Several,” Severance directed in a soft voice. “I’ll need several tablets.”

She returned with two. He didn’t argue. He wasn’t up to arguing. Popping them under his tongue, he waited for the analgesic to hit his system. When the tablets were dissolved, he took a long swallow of the hot coffade. A swollen Renaissance swamp-bubble occupying the place normally filled by his brain slowly began to shrink. It had been close; another few minutes and it would have burst. Severance lifted his head and saw that Cidra had slipped back to the front of the cabin. “Smart female,” he growled. “Give the beast his coffade and ‘gesics, and then get out of his way. Where did an almost-Harmonic learn such a practical program of human relations?”

“I keep telling you, Severance, I’m a fast learner.” But she smiled at him from the computer console where she had apparently already begun the day’s work.

“Learn a lot last night?” Stupid crack. Severance regretted the words as soon as they hit the air.

“A great deal. Feel like eating?”

“No.” Her smile annoyed him. “I mean, no thanks. Not yet.”

“Let me know when you are. I’ll put a prespac in the heater.” She turned back to the console.

Severance thought about the situation. “There’s something wrong here,” he finally announced.

“You’re just not feeling well, that’s all.”

He gritted his teeth. “I mean, there’s something wrong in addition to that small problem.” He shot her a suspicious glance. “You are not, by any chance, operating under the assumption that I don’t remember what happened last night, are you?”

She didn’t look at him, her attention on the screen in front of her. “I assume your memory is as good as mine.”

“Unfortunately.” Severance climbed slowly to his feet. Better to get this part over and done. He held on to the edge of the upper bunk and glared balefully toward his companion. “Cidra?”

“Yes, Severance?” She turned her head with polite inquiry.

“I regret what happened last night,” he began in an incredibly stilted tone. “You are a passenger on board this ship. You are entitled to my protection. As the pilot in command, I have an obligation to remain, above all, in command of myself. I assure you that what happened last night will not happen again.” He felt both martyred and heroic.

Cidra regarded him for a long moment, her gaze searching and, he could have sworn, gentle. Then she inclined her head in formal acceptance of his apology.

“Thank you, Severance, but there is no need for you to accept the blame for what happened last night. I do not view the incident as anything serious.”

He stared at her. “You don’t?”

“Of course not.” She waved the passionate scene aside with a graceful movement of her hand.

Severance began to feel something besides martyrdom and heroism. He began to feel irritated. “Then you obviously don’t know what the consequences could have been.”

“I realize what might have happened if matters had gone to the extreme conclusion. I have studied the principles of human reproduction.”

Severance’s hand tightened on the edge of the bunk. “I keep forgetting your extensive education.”

She smiled quite brilliantly. “Precisely. And that is exactly how I view last night’s events. They were quite educational. Because, while I have studied the physical interaction of male and female, I have not yet had an opportunity to examine it on a personal level. There are risks involved in such a study, of which I am well aware. But I admit I have enough Wolf in me at this point to be curious about such matters. And I realize that once I have found the object of my quest, I may never again be interested in pursuing this particular line of investigation. Harmonics in general don’t seem very interested in sex, as we both know. Once I am one, I will also probably lose interest. In the meantime there is something to be learned, and last night I had a sudden, unexpected interest in learning. You mustn’t blame yourself or take responsibility for the risks involved. I was a willing participant. I am, however, also cognizant of the risks, and I give you my word that I will exercise better judgment in the future.”

Severance listened to the little speech with a growing desire to break something. “Let me get this straight,” he finally said faintly. “You’re taking responsibility for last night’s little fiasco?”

She inclined her head in that formal, gracious way that was beginning to infuriate him.

“And you view the ‘incident’ as, simply a learning experience?”

“An experiment,” she amplified, smiling even more graciously.

“An experiment,” he echoed. Slowly he pushed himself away from the bunk. “A scientific experiment.” He paced toward her. His headache was breaking through the barrier raised by the ‘gesic tablets. He realized that something of what he was feeling must have been showing on his face, because the brilliance in Cidra’s smile was fading. A distinct wariness was beginning to take its place. She stood up as he glided to a halt in front of her, but she didn’t back away from him.