Sweet Savage Heart (62 page)

She pried the letter free and dropped the mangled guardian to the floor. Then she went to the bed and sat down weakly. Before unrolling the paper, she inhaled and exhaled several times to calm her racing heart and to steady her quavering hands. She had to prepare herself to confront this painful, enlightening message from the grave.

When she found the courage to read the letter, it was puzzling: “If you find this note, something is terribly wrong. Look for a final message from me in our hiding place. Remember, the little hole in the dark room, the place where we hid our treasures from the bad man.”

Rana closed her eyes and tried to recall her mother’s meaning. She envisioned them sitting on the floor in a small, dark area; then she saw a candle that cast glowing shadows over her mother’s face. Marissa was smiling at her and her blue eyes were sparkling as she touched her finger to her lips to indicate secrecy. Marissa took a knife and pried loose a short board near the corner of a wall. She could see her mother placing things inside the black hole, then sealing it. Grasping her small hand, Marissa led her out of the darkness…

Rana’s eyes widened, then she whirled to look at the closet in the corner of Marissa’s old room. She leapt to
her feet, seized her knife once more, and ducked inside the closet with a candle. Crawling to the far end, she placed the candle on the floor and searched for the special board. As she worked to pry it free, she wondered if her mother’s letter and “treasures” would still be hiding there after all these years. It was possible she had removed them during that last trip. It was possible someone else had found the hiding place and taken them.

The board squeaked and yielded, then fell noisily to the floor. Apprehensively she reached inside the black hole, grasped several objects and withdrew them: a bunch of dead flowers secured with a yellow ribbon, a lock of light brown hair with reddish gold highlights bound with another yellow ribbon, an oval locket that had a broken catch and held a picture of Marissa and Todd as teenagers, a leather pouch with money inside, and a time-yellowed envelope.

Rana replaced the lock of hair, the flowers, the pouch, and the locket. Taking the candle, she left the closet, deposited the candle on the hearth for safety, then went to sit on the bed. Carefully she ripped open the envelope and slowly unfolded the fragile paper, which crackled with age. Her heart began to pound heavily and her mouth went dry. Despite the heat of the day, her hands felt cold and shaky. She dreaded to begin this new torment.

My dearest daughter Rana,

Since you are reading this letter, my little one, then I have been taken from your side, for only you know how and where to find it. If things had worked out for us as I had planned, I would have recovered and destroyed this letter before you could find it and read it.

Even as I begin, I am not sure I am doing the right thing or if I know how to tell you what I must. I
wish I were there to explain these matters, little one, but it cannot be. I beg you to read this letter with love and I pray you are old enough to understand what I must tell you and why, or how, it happened.

I must reveal the truth to you as I do not want you to go on believing Raymond Michaels is your father. He is a vicious and evil man, and I curse the day he entered our lives. I was so foolish and impulsive when I was young. I wanted to taste every treat life had to offer. I was spoiled and greedy. I was stubborn and willful. Many mistakes were of my own doing, Rana, and others happened because I was so naive and trusting, though I thought I knew everything. What cruel lessons life must teach us when we care more for ourselves than others. I only wish I had been allowed to bury the dark past forever. I can be thankful that only Raymond knows my secrets and I pray he has not and will never reveal them.

Before I was seventeen, I was called the most beautiful girl in Texas, and sadly I believed it and used my beauty and charms as weapons or for foolish tricks. Many boys desired me, but I was vain and blind in heart. I trampled upon their feelings and I was forced to pay for my meanness.

We had—and may still have—a neighbor named Harrison Caldwell, a rich, handsome man whose wife died many years ago. As a young girl, I tingled and blushed each time I saw him. None of the boys my age caused me to have such feelings, so I believed I was in love with him. One day I went to deliver a message to him from Papa, and my world became confused and upturned. He had flirted with me many times, and in my vanity I thought he was in love with me. At his house that day, he offered
me a strong drink and I boldly and recklessly took it. It sent my head spinning as fast as my heart was pounding. He began to kiss me and touch me and strange feelings attacked me, and I wanted to kiss and touch him back. I let him take me to his room and make love to me. For many weeks I sneaked to his home to lie with him in his bed. I told myself it was because he ordered it and I feared he would tell Papa or others what I had done. He was a skilled lover and I was charmed by him and our actions. Soon, I had to admit I liked what we were doing and I enjoyed the power I held over him, for he loved me and craved me wildly. Perhaps I was in love with love or with the feelings of mystery and wickedness. It was so exciting to explore being a woman and to have such a powerful secret and to have a real man in my control. I felt as if I were living in an adventurous dreamworld.

Over a year passed. I had learned so much about men and life and my feelings, but I had learned it in a bad way. My lovely dream had slowly faded and I realized I did not love or want this man. He had ways that were vicious and wrong. He refused to release me from our secret affair. He wanted to marry me, to keep me as his property. We argued for weeks and I refused him in every way. And I did a terrible thing during this time to test my feelings for him, which I shall explain later. I told him I did not love him or want him anymore and I said many cruel and false things to him to force him to leave me alone. Then I began to see another man. He became very angry and jealous and vowed to have me or else no other man would. I threatened to tell Papa he had raped me and forced me to do his bidding to keep him from killing Papa. He left for many months, but said he would force me to marry
him on his return.

Now, I must tell you about the other man. One day my horse bolted and I was rescued by a boy my age named Todd Raines—he still works for Papa as I write this letter. When I gazed into his eyes as he held my trembling body, a feeling that I now know was true love washed over me. I wanted nothing more than to gaze into his eyes and stay in his arms forever. There was a quietness and gentleness about my feelings for him, yet he made my body flame with desire. We shared so many things, like a simple walk to gather wildflowers. We laughed as I cut his hair for a dance in town and he teased me about keeping a lock. He gave me a locket and placed our pictures inside. He was so kind and loving for one so young. How I wished I had been more like him. I kept those treasures hidden with this letter, for I could not bear to part with them. I loved him in that very first moment our eyes met and our bodies touched, and I knew he was the man I wanted as my own forever. Papa adored him and was happy for us. I hurt them both so deeply when I was forced to reject Todd. If you have found true love, little one, then you will understand what I am trying to explain.

Life had a cruel urge to punish me for my past wrongs. I discovered I was carrying a child, and I was terrified that someone, especially my beloved father or my cherished Todd, would discover the truth about me and my baby. I could not bear to tell them of my sins and past deeds, for they would hate me and think me evil. I had to break Todd’s heart and reject him, and I shall never forget the pain I caused him or the love we shared. He has married another, but I know he suffers each time I return home and he sees me. But I suffer too, for I see what
my sin has taken from me. How I wish I could tell him the truth, but it is too vile and destructive. How I wish you were his child—how lucky we would be today!

At times, I even wished Harrison Caldwell had been your father, so this burden would not have destroyed all I was and loved. How do I explain the truth, my little one, and not cause you to hate and scorn me as I despised myself until I almost let Raymond destroy me? How foolish I was to believe I deserved to be punished! How can I explain why I ruined our lives? I was a fool, a selfish, blind fool who made terrible mistakes. How do I explain them to myself or to you or to Todd? Your name is as close as I can ever be to him. Even now, I love him and I would give my soul for a second chance with him, but I cannot ruin his life again. I must let him go on hating me.

This is the hardest part of my confession. First, I must say I am sorry for letting you suffer at Raymond’s hand. We tricked each other with our marriage. He wanted to get his hands on Papa’s money through me, and I needed him to take me far away. When he learned I was carrying a child and I refused to beg Papa for money, he was very angry and mean. After you were born and he learned my secret, he became cruel and vindictive. To protect our lives and my secret, I am forced to lie with other men for money. I hate it and I hate him. When I tell you all, my little one, you will understand why I fear him and obey him. Today, we leave Papa’s for the last time, for I shall kill him and return home to be free and happy, or he will slay me for trying. If he is still alive and near you, I beg you, Rana, run from him. Never let him near you. Never do anything for him. Never let him trick you or use you. He is bad
and mean. Flee him, even if you must slay him. Otherwise he will destroy you as he destroyed me.

The secret he knew that held me under his control was about your real father. This was my biggest mistake and sin, my little one, not my reckless affair with Harrison or even surrendering to Raymond’s brutality and blackmail. The only person who knew the truth besides me told Raymond, told him because she loved him and wanted him. How I hated her, for she was responsible for my wicked deed and for revealing it.

You see, my little one, when I was growing up I had a close friend whose father was a ranch hand for our neighbor, Harvey Jenkins, on the Lazy
J
Ranch. We did everything together until her parents were killed during the period of my secret affair with Harrison. She had no home or money, and she began to work at a private house outside town where men were entertained for a price. I sneaked over to see her one day and she was sobbing and shaking with fear. She owed the madam money for clothes and board and doctor bills, and the woman was demanding payment or she was going to throw my best friend in jail. Jail is a terrible place for a woman. We were young and gullible and did not know the woman was lying to frighten and gain control over my friend. I asked her what I could do to help, for I did not have enough money to pay her large debt.

We put all of our money together, but it was not enough. I knew Papa would not give me money to pay a whore’s debt. My friend told me she had a man coming over that night who would pay her enough to finish off her debt; then she would be safe and she would leave to begin a new life elsewhere. But she was in her woman’s way and could not lie with
him. She begged me to take her place, for the owner was mean and had beaten her many times and the law does nothing to help or protect whores. She knew about Harrison and me and knew I was no longer a virgin. She pleaded and reasoned, telling me it was the only way I could learn if I truly loved and wanted Harrison, for I had lain only with him. I was enticed and convinced because she explained that the man always insisted on lying with her in the dark and without talking. He did not want to know her name or see her face, for he always pretended she was his lost love. She vowed that the man would never know I had lain with him in her place. It sounded so mysterious and romantic and exciting. We never saw each other or spoke that night. He was a gentle man with a very nice body, but he seemed so nervous and unsure of himself, and I could do nothing but lie there and wish the deed over. I regretted my actions that very same night and refused to see my friend again for lying to me about leaving that wicked life.

I had stopped going to Harrison’s bed two months before that fateful night, and I met Todd a few weeks afterward, but we did not sleep together for a long time, for he loved me and held me precious. Two months passed, and I knew I was with child, from the night with a stranger in my friend’s place. There was no way I could claim the baby was Todd’s or Harrison’s. Todd had taken me for the first time two weeks earlier and the experience had been glorious for we had been in love. He had been afraid to rush me, and I had been equally shy with him. He asked me to marry him the night of the day I learned my tormenting secret. I had to discover the identity of my baby’s father and then decide what to do. I went to her and she tried to keep the truth from me,
but I forced her to speak it, to my horror. How can I tell you without tormenting you as I was tormented when I learned the truth? Sobbing, she confessed that the stranger had been Nathan Crandall, who had made his last visit to her that night. She had been so frightened and selfish that she had tricked me into sleeping with my own father! How I wish she had lied to me about him. He is not your grandfather. He is your father.

When I learned this evil truth, my heart truly broke. I knew I had to leave quickly and go far away, where no one could discover my foul deed. I had met Raymond Michaels at several barn dances and he had been trying to win me and run away with me. I saw him as the answer to my prayers. I eloped with him before anyone guessed why I was leaving home. He told me one night—before he learned of my pregnancy and my deceit—that he had married me for my money and if I ever wanted to visit home again I would have to pay him a lot of money so that he could gamble with it. He was furious when he learned I had also tricked him.

By now, you realize why I could not ask Papa for money. I refused to return home to visit for a long time. I was ashamed to face Papa and Todd. But I was so lonely and afraid and I wanted to come home. Raymond met my friend and she told him my wicked secret, for she loved him and wanted to take him from me. He killed her, Rana, for he did not want anyone else to learn the truth. He used that truth to force me to lie with other men to earn his living. I was so scared and confused and believed I deserved this punishing fate. I did what he said for a long time. When I began refusing, he threatened to kill you and Papa after telling Papa the truth about you. I couldn’t let him hurt Papa or you or Todd. I
was the one to blame, the evil one, the one who should suffer. But I can no longer go on this way. Surely I have paid and suffered enough. My sins were committed far away, so no one here knows about them. I must never let Papa or Todd learn how I’ve been living for years.

I will try to kill Raymond as soon as we get away from the ranch. Harrison hates me and is being very cruel and vengeful. Todd is married and I cannot ruin his life again. And I cannot ask for Papa’s help without telling him the truth. I have no one to turn to, my little one, no one to help us and free us. Each day I grow more afraid of Raymond. He has begun to tease me about no longer needing me. He says you are the rightful heir to Papa’s ranch and that he can take it through you. I do not like the way he is beginning to watch you. I see such fear and suffering in your eyes. You’re happy here with your father, my father. I must try to set us free of Raymond, or die trying. I tell you these things, because, if I am gone, you will have no one to protect you from him. You must not remain with him, and you must not be drawn to Harrison. Both are evil men and they will use you for their selfish needs.

Forgive me, Rana, and please try not to hate me or judge me too harshly. I know how wrong I was about so many things, but I love you dearly and I cannot allow you and Papa to suffer anymore. Only you can decide what to do with these tormenting truths, and I pray you have found a strong, special love who will help you do what is right and best and who will give you comfort against this pain I have brought into your life and heart. If you have met Todd, then you know why I love him and wanted him. Forgive me for pressing this burden on you. I
love you, little one. Do not ever doubt it or forget it.