Sweet as Honey (19 page)

“He gives me orders?”

“He insisted you give those books back. He made you put on your glasses last night.”

Her heart shrank to the size of a cold, hard pebble as doubt and embarrassment pressed her into the floor. “That's . . . that's what you do in a relationship. You try to please each other. Paul likes it when I wear glasses. I care for him, so I try to make him happy.”

“Does Paul ever try to make you happy?” Dan said, the tension evident beneath his quiet words.

“Of course he does. Paul was kind to me when no one else was.”

Dan's agitation grew with every word that came out of Lily's mouth. He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. “Lily, he was nice to you in eighth grade. I don't see it anymore.”

How could someone like Dan Kanagy hope to understand what Paul's kindness meant to her? “Well, I guess you won't see what you don't want to see.”

“What I don't want to see?” He spread his arms wide. “All I've ever wanted is to see you happy.”

What a lie. All Dan Kanagy had wanted to do was put her down, to remind her how small and insignificant she was compared to him. “I've learned to appreciate Paul for who he is, and he likes me the way I am. He doesn't care that I'm not pretty or smart. Other boys aren't so tolerant.”

She might as well have insulted his entire family. She could see the muscles of his jaw twitch as he balled his hands into fists. “You act as if you don't think you deserve any better, Amtrak.”

Lily recoiled as if he had struck her. That one word spoke volumes. She couldn't breathe properly anymore.
That
was what Dan truly thought of her. To him, she would always be the homely, pathetic fourteen-year-old. The easy target of his cruel wit. The butt of every joke.

She'd let her guard down, and he'd slapped her in the face with that one word.

Oh
sis yuscht
, it stung.

Paul had tried to warn her. He'd cared enough about her feelings to be wary of Dan. She wished she had heeded him. It was amazing how fast the faucet could turn on. Before she could bite back impending tears with sheer determination, they were running down her face.

The lines in Dan's forehead deepened into furrows as he reached out for her, as if he actually wanted to touch the lonely, unappealing eighth grader. “Oh, Lily. I'm sorry.”

She folded her arms and turned her face toward the wall. He would not break down her defenses again. “
Nae,
you're not.”

Her gaze snapped to the door as Poppy and Rose came tripping into the house like two little girls home from a picnic. Her sisters couldn't see her like this. Rose would make herself sick with worrying, and Poppy would probably challenge Dan to a fistfight.

In an attempt to act as if nothing had upset her, she swiped the tears from her cheeks and snatched the first thing she could reach off the counter: Aunt B's meat cleaver. Holding it in her hand as if she knew exactly what she wanted to do with it, she nodded resolutely at Rose and Poppy and spoke past the lump in her throat. “Start dinner without me. I have to go check on something outside.”

She hoped they wouldn't ask her what she needed to check on with a meat cleaver. She had no answer for that. All she knew was that she had to get out of this house, away from Dan Kanagy, and to a safe spot where she could cry her eyes out without being seen. Dan had humiliated her enough for one day.

* * *

Dan watched numbly as Lily, head held high, marched out the door with the meat cleaver in her fist.

The profound ache in Lily's eyes had cut him deeper than any meat cleaver could have. What had he done? He would have rather lost his horse than hurt Lily's feelings, but he had managed to reduce her to tears with a few careless words. He clenched his teeth. How he hated himself right now.

How hard would it have been to keep his stupid mouth shut? He'd let Paul's behavior push him past the point of patient silence, but how could he stand idly by and watch that boy beat Lily down again and again?

With a wide gaze, Rose hooked her elbow with Poppy's, and they eyed Dan as if he'd stolen all their books—the ones with money in them.

“Dan Kanagy,” Poppy growled, “if you mess this up, I'll never forgive you.”

He had no idea what to say to that. “I'm . . . I'm not trying to.”

Rose looked to be on the verge of tears, but she didn't say a word, as if speaking would push her over some imaginary edge. She simply stared at him with those big, sad eyes. Her look stung worse than Poppy's fist.

Yep. He'd really done it up good this time.

Much as he deserved Poppy's glares, he couldn't spare another minute here, not even for Rose. He brushed past the sisters to the front door.

“Whatever it is,” Poppy said, “you'd better make it right, or you'll not be allowed back in the house.”

He'd make it right or pull out his hair trying. He'd never wanted anything so badly in his entire life. He'd never wanted
anyone
so desperately, nor felt so desperately sorry for something he'd said. He deserved everything she threw at him, including the meat cleaver.

He hurt plenty already.

Chapter Seventeen

Lily abandoned all her pride and ran like the wind to the weeping willow tree near the pond on the south end of their farm. This was her favorite spot on the farm. She often concealed herself beneath the tree's protective branches to read books or spend a few minutes by herself when afternoon chores were done. In full summer, the tree's branches floated mere inches above the thick grass, creating a canopy that gave her shade as well as privacy. The willow hovered over the pond, sometimes dipping its fingers into the water when the breeze blew just right. It was her own little cottage in the deep woods where she could find solitude and peace without leaving the farm. Dan wouldn't think to look for her here. Maybe he'd give up for good and never come back.

Her breath shook. She'd like that very much.

She sat down with her back against the tree, laid the meat cleaver on the ground near her feet, and indulged the tears. She'd been so foolish to believe that Dan actually liked her. He'd made it perfectly clear that he didn't. It felt as if she were back in school all over again.

To Lily's surprise, Farrah Fawcett came padding into her tree sanctuary as if she visited there often. She must have followed Lily out the front door. Without asking permission—Farrah Fawcett never condescended to ask permission for anything—the cat crawled onto Lily's lap and made herself comfortable. Lily wrapped her arms around Farrah Fawcett and nuzzled the cat's furry face against her cheek. “You were always a
gute
friend, Farrah Fawcett.”

Farrah Fawcett gave Lily that snooty, I-really-couldn't-care-less look, but she gave herself away when she purred softly and let Lily run her hand along her snowy white fur. Even though Farrah Fawcett was a snob, she didn't mind Lily being homely or dumb or wearing glasses as thick as Coke bottles. She didn't even seem to mind the beekeeping outfit that both Dan and Paul had found so outrageous. Best of all, Farrah Fawcett turned up her nose at both boys whenever they came over. She had better judgment than Lily ever would.

“Lily?”

Ach du lieva
. It had taken Dan mere minutes to find her clever hiding place. She should have expected it. She wasn't nearly as clever as she wanted to be.

“Go away, Dan.”

With a purely miserable look on his face, he parted the stringy branches of the willow like a curtain and stepped into her space. She retaliated by scooting partway around the tree so her back was to him, taking the cat and her cleaver with her.

“Please, Lily. Please can I apologize?”

She refused to look at him, even when she heard his footfalls come closer. “Why are you even here?”

He squatted in front of her and tilted his head sideways so he could meet her eye. She blinked away her tears and studied a blade of grass near her big toe. Why was he so persistent with someone he despised so much?

“You should always let a person apologize,” he said.

She buried her fingers in Farrah Fawcett's fur. If she didn't look at him, she could pretend she hadn't been bawling her eyes out. “Why do you care about apologizing?”

Dan picked up the meat cleaver sitting in front of Lily and carefully moved it to the side. “Let's move this out of reach, shall we?” He sat cross-legged directly in front of her, but that didn't mean she had to turn her eyes to him. Besides, she'd be doing him a favor if she didn't force him to look directly at her offensive face.

She'd let him apologize, but she would never trust him again, never let down her guard, never invite him to dinner, no matter how much she enjoyed his company. It was all a show he put on, but for what purpose, she couldn't begin to guess.

“How did you find me?” He should have taken the hint and left her alone.

“I asked Farrah Fawcett to sniff you out.”

“You did not.”

“
Jah,
I did. That cat might not be a good mouser, but she's a skilled bloodhound. She led me right to you.” When Lily didn't return his grin, he cleared his throat and gave her a doubtful look. “I'm really sorry what I said about Paul. I'll do anything to see that smile again.”

She twirled a piece of grass between her fingers. “If you left me alone, I'd smile again.”

She heard the subtle tease in his voice. “But if I was gone, I wouldn't get to actually see your smile.”

“No great loss for you, I'm sure.”

A long pause. “You're wrong about that. I think I'd die if I couldn't see your smile again.”

Probably because he wouldn't have anyone to insult anymore.

He reached out and smoothed Farrah Fawcett's ears. Farrah Fawcett looked sufficiently put out. Lily could have kissed that snooty cat. Farrah Fawcett knew how to deal with Dan Kanagy. “Your relationship with Paul is none of my business,” Dan said. “I crossed over a line I shouldn't have even gone near.”

Lily plucked another piece of grass from the lawn. “You might as well come out and say it. You think I'm stupid and
deerich
, foolish, for going out with Paul.”

She didn't miss the astonishment in his eyes. “Stupid? Lily, you are the smartest girl I know. You can read a book faster than I can write a letter. You know all sorts of things about farming and bees, and Poppy says you never lose at Scrabble. I don't think you're stupid.” He frowned. “If that's what made you cry, then I am doubly sorry. It's not what I meant. I don't want to see Paul hurt you, that's all.” She shot darts at him with her eyes, and he cleared his throat yet again. “I'm sorry. You and Paul. None of my business.”

She couldn't have this conversation face-to-face with Dan. He looked too handsome by half, and she was in very great danger of getting pulled in by his good looks. She nudged Farrah Fawcett off her lap and stood. Annoyed at losing her comfortable lap, Farrah Fawcett mewed curtly and strutted out from under the tree, probably to return to her comfortable window seat away from all the inconveniences of the great outdoors.

Dan rose to his feet too, as Lily ran her hand along the bark and stepped to the other side of the trunk where she could keep Dan at a distance. “Why do you keep coming to our farm, Dan?” she murmured, not really wanting to know the answer to that question.

He leaned his head around the trunk so she could see his face. Raising his eyebrows doubtfully, he said, “Why do you think, Lily?”

“If you find me so repulsive, why don't you just stay away?” It shouldn't cut her so deeply, but in that moment, she felt ashamed of her looks and ashamed of the vanity that made her care. Why, oh why, couldn't she staunch this flow of tears? It humiliated her enough to admit her ugliness without the tears making her that much more vulnerable.

His face clouded with confusion, and he took two steps around the trunk of the tree as if he couldn't restrain himself. “What gave you the idea that I find you repulsive?”

Her throat constricted, and she could barely force out the humiliating admission. “Amtrak. Coke Bottle. Daddy Long Legs.” She hated even saying the insults out loud. “I know how ugly I am. You don't have to keep reminding me. Why can't you leave me alone?”

Dan could have been made of stone. He stood frozen to the ground and stared at her, his dark eyes swirling tempests of shadow. “Oh,
sis yuscht,
” he whispered. “Oh,
sis yuscht,
Lily.”

“Paul befriended me when all the other boys made fun of me. When
you
made fun of me. He was the only one who stuck by me. The only one who didn't make cruel jokes about my glasses or braces or pimples or everything else wrong with me. I know you don't care for him, but I thank
Gotte
every day that Paul came into my life.”

Turning pale and breathing heavily, Dan scrubbed both hands through his hair. “All these years, and I thought . . .”

“You don't have to tell me. I know I am wicked for holding on to this, for not forgiving you as Jesus said, but every time you call me Amtrak or Coke Bottle, it's a knife slicing right through my heart.”

He took two steps closer, and the pain in his eyes took Lily's breath away. “Lily, how could you ever think . . . ? I never wanted to . . .”

“I know it's childish, Dan, but your words still sting—just as they're meant to. Why do you want to hurt me over and over again like that?” The tears flowed in rivers now. “It's like I'm back at school again, crying into my pillow every night because Dan Kanagy won't leave me alone. I don't want to be hurt anymore, Dan. Can't you stay away?”

Inconceivably, he reached out as if to pull her into his arms. She stepped away from him. How could he think his touch would be welcome? He studied her face and dropped his hands to his side, aging fifty years before her eyes. He frowned so deeply that the lines around his eyes and mouth looked to be etched there like carvings on a gravestone. His chest heaved in and out as if every breath were his last. He didn't take his eyes off her face, and a storm still raged in his eyes.

She brushed the tears from her face. It was done. He could go now and never come back. They need never plague each other again. That thought made her inexplicably sad, but why would she ever regret Dan Kanagy? “They're waiting dinner for me.”

“Lily,” he said, his voice deep and silky and completely irresistible. “Will you sit? I want to tell you a story.”

“I need to get back.”

“Please, Lily? Ten minutes isn't going to ruin your dinner.” She'd never seen such a forlorn smile.

She huffed out a small breath and nodded. Why she even gave Dan Kanagy the time of day was a mystery—probably had something to do with that chocolaty satin voice of his.

She sat with her back to the tree but kept her posture ramrod straight so Dan would get the message that she refused to let down her guard again.

He sat next to her, also with his back against the tree but far enough away that there was no risk of any part of his sleeve or arm brushing against hers. He stared at the canopy of branches straight ahead of him. “I remember the first time I saw you. It was the first day of fourth grade, and you and your sisters had just moved into town.”

Lily pressed her lips into a tight line. She had been ugly enough to make an impression on him even then.

“You were so cute with that upturned nose and the freckles that dotted your cheeks. Of course, I was ten, so you were still just a girl to me, but I admired what a
gute
reader you were. School never came easy for me.”

He seemed nearer to her, although she hadn't noticed any movement on his part. A breeze could have nudged his sleeve against her. “And then seventh grade came. I got more awkward and dumb, and you got cuter and cuter.”

Lily felt the warmth travel up her face. Flattery had no power to soften her, for sure and certain.

Dan glanced at her before resuming his study of willow branches. “I used to sit at my desk and stare at the back of your head, wondering what I could do to make you notice me. Recess proved futile. You spent it huddled with your sisters and a gaggle of teenage girls. I couldn't get within ten feet. In eighth grade about harvest time, you showed up at school with those adorable braces and headgear.”

Lily snorted. “Adorable?”

“Those braces finally gave me a way to make you notice me. I thought you would think that my nicknames were clever. I wanted you to know I was alive.” He nudged her shoulder with his. “Lily, I was a stupid teenage boy grasping at straws to try to get you to notice me.”

Lily drew her brows together. “You expect me to believe that you thought I was cute?”

He nodded earnestly.

“Dan, I had thick glasses, pimples, and a mouth full of braces. You couldn't have possibly.”

“I didn't care about all that stuff. The braces gave you an extra shiny smile. The glasses made you look even more intelligent. And who doesn't have pimples at fourteen? You wouldn't think a boy as stupid as I was would notice, but you were nice to everybody. You helped the little kids with their schoolwork. You shepherded Rose around like one of your little chicks. Who wouldn't think that was cute?”

Lily nibbled on her bottom lip and found the courage to meet his eye. “How can this be true? You were so mean.”

“Not in my mind. I wanted you to notice me. The nicknames got me noticed. It got a few bruises from Poppy too. I thought I was making progress. You have no idea how jealous I got when Paul befriended you. I never dared even talk to you, and there was Paul, whispering with you during class, monopolizing all your time at recess, getting the smiles I wanted. Being a
dumkoff
, I redoubled my efforts, coming up with stupider and stupider nicknames and being loud and obnoxious. It's a wonder Poppy didn't level me every day.”

Lily stared at Dan in disbelief. Could this really be true? She couldn't make heads or tails of it. “You don't think I'm ugly?”

He closed his eyes and winced as if he were in pain. “
Ach,
Lily. You have always been the most beautiful girl I've ever known, and it makes me sick that I made you believe otherwise.”

“You're not a stupid teenager anymore, Dan Kanagy. Why do you still call me those cruel names?”

Another wince. “I thought you'd remember those names with the same fondness I did. I didn't realize you never thought of them that way or that they might have hurt you deeply.”

She lowered her eyes. “
Jah.”

He growled with all the force of his torrid emotions and pressed his palm against his forehead. “All these years, I've missed out on being with you because of my own stupidity.”