SWEET ANTICIPATION (15 page)

“You broke one of my windows?”

“Good Lord, woman, I thought you had been rushed to the hospital and left all the lights on. You have no idea what thoughts were racing through my mind. The only thing I could concentrate on was finding out where you had gone and when.”

“So you broke my window?” she repeated accusingly.

“Forget the window. I’ll fix it tomorrow. The fact is that I was worried sick about you. Then when I found you in here, I thought something awful had happened, and all the time you were crying over a sock!”

She looked at the bootee, then back at him. “Look at it. It
is
pretty awful. And I told you it was silly that I was so upset. I don’t know what came over me. I was just sitting here watching television and trying to make those needles follow the pattern, and suddenly I was boohooing like a baby. I’m sorry if I frightened you. I’ve been so moody lately that I sometimes frighten myself.”

“I’ll buy our baby a dozen bootees. Besides, it’s almost summertime and the kid can go barefoot.” Jordan smiled tenderly and moved up to sit on the couch next to her. Without waiting for her permission, he picked her up and scooted her over until she was sitting on his lap. Cuddling her in his arms as if she were, indeed, a child, he gently pushed her head down on his shoulder. “My sweet Lauren, having to handle this all alone. You’re going through what almost every mother-to-be does, but you don’t have anyone to tell you it’ll be all right.”

It felt so good to be next to a warm body that Lauren relaxed in his arms. She had been so lonely and depressed, suffering from one of the worst cases of the blues that she had ever had. She should have been furious that Jordan had broken into her house and pushed back into her life after disappearing so abruptly, but she couldn’t feel anything but happiness that, for whatever reason, he was here with her now.

Lauren snuggled her cheek against his sports jacket, savoring the feel of its rough texture against her skin. Again she was aware of his wonderfully masculine fragrance, which was an intoxicating mixture of after-shave and his own clean, musky smell. One of his hands soothingly stroked her hair while his other arm encircled her shoulders, holding her close to him.

“I missed you, Lauren,” he whispered, his lips pressing against the top of her head in a soft kiss.

Her head nodded on his shoulder in silent agreement.

“So what have you been doing these last two weeks?”

“The same thing I was doing the two weeks before that,” she answered dryly. “There were corsages to be made, plants to be potted, flowers to arrange, and oh, yes, we had a shipment of
schefferas
that had red spider mites, but we noticed it before we brought the plants into the shop or we would have infected our whole stock. We gave all our plants an insecticide shower just to be doubly sure.”

“You didn’t breathe any insecticides, did you?”

“No, Rita did it outside and made me stay away from it.”

“Good for Rita. We wouldn’t want anything to hurt our baby at this point, would we?”

There it was again—the old reminder of his concern for
his
child. Was that
all
he cared about? “No, we wouldn’t,” she replied. “Which reminds me, there’s something that’s been worrying me. You know that chemical you told me that you used to store your …uh…your specimen?”

“Yes, what about it?”

“I know you said that there had been no side effects, but how can you be certain that there isn’t something in it that will make my baby be born with some sort of defect?”

“I have performed dozens of experiments with it and not one animal was born deformed and the sperm, even after long periods of time, showed no signs of disintegration. Of course, there’s never a guarantee that a baby will be perfect, but I’ve talked to Dr. Reese. He showed me your ultrasound pictures and as far as we can see there’s absolutely nothing abnormal. You know how much I care about this child,” he went on, “and if I suspected anything out of the ordinary, I would have insisted that you have amniocentesis.”

“Yes, you have certainly made your concern for this baby perfectly clear,” she muttered stiffly. She pushed away from him and sat up, but his hands gripped her shoulders, holding her firmly on his lap.

“What’s wrong now? Are you still worried about me trying to take the baby away from you? Well, you shouldn’t be, because after getting to know you, I’ve realized that our baby couldn’t have a better mother in the whole world.” He let one of his hands move up to curve against her jawline in a gentle caress. A few minutes ago, he had felt her respond to him, soften beneath his touch. It had given him hope that she might be feeling some of the same things that he was, wanting him as badly as he wanted her, and loving him—at least a little bit. But for some unknown reason, she had suddenly cooled off and backed away from him not only physically, but emotionally. His mind scrambled for something to pull her back to him so they could keep going forward together.

“I’ve been doing a little thinking, too,” he said, adlibbing as he went along. “You don’t want this thing to go to court and I certainly don’t either. I think we have been trying so hard to find a solution that we’ve overlooked the obvious.” Even as he spoke, the idea crystallized in his mind and he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it before now.

“Lauren, you yourself said that it was better if a child could be raised by both of its natural parents.”

“But I was referring to a married couple, not two people living separately, sharing custody,” she replied.

“That’s just it. If you and I were to get married, then our baby would have both of his parents under the same roof.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” she retorted, completely shocked at his suggestion. “We barely know each other and to even think about sharing a house—”

They both knew she was referring more specifically to sharing a bed.

“After a rocky start, we’ve gotten along very well. I think we’ve become pretty good friends and it wouldn’t have to go any farther than that until we were both ready. We have a lot in common besides the baby, and I think we could be happy enough together!’

“Happy enough
isn’t good enough.” Lauren shook her head sadly. “I’ve had a good marriage and I know what it’s like. I don’t know if I could accept anything less.”

God, if he could ever get past that mental roadblock, he would have it made. Why, out of all the women in the world, had he fallen in love with one of the few who had had a perfect first marriage! Of course this wasn’t the ideal way to propose marriage but he was getting desperate. He didn’t want to lose Lauren.

“Look, I realize that you still care a great deal for Johnny.” If she only knew how much it hurt him to even say that man’s name, she would understand how difficult this was for him. “But it’s not fair to deprive our baby of a real father who could take him to Astros games or out fishing in Galveston Bay. That baby needs me and I need him.”

Lauren stood up so suddenly that she caught Jordan by surprise and he let her go. She hadn’t moved that quickly in months, but now she faced him angrily, her hands planted where the curve of her hips used to be. “The baby, the baby, the baby. That’s all you talk about—that’s all you care about. It doesn’t really matter to you whether or not I’m happy or lonely or afraid, as long as you have your baby.”

For several long seconds they exchanged shocked looks filled with their own personal pain.

As soon as she realized how harsh her words had been and exactly what she had implied by them, she covered her face with her hands and broke into a fresh flood of tears. “I didn’t mean that I don’t care about the baby,” she cried. “I love my baby. I want it more than anything else in the world. It’s just that I need to be loved, too.”

Jordan leaped to his feet and pulled her back into the protective circle of his arms. “Shhh, Lauren, calm down. I know you didn’t mean anything against the baby. You’re going through a time when all your hormones are running wild and your emotions are high. You’re overly sensitive about everything right now. Of course, I care about that baby, but you’re wrong about my not caring for you, too. I would never have asked you to marry me just because of the baby. I want you, Lauren Nelson, to be my wife.”

She was silent for several minutes, taking in what he had said and listening to the strong, steady beating of his heart against her ear. It was too bad she couldn’t believe him completely, because she really wanted to. She thought if only he could ever truly fall in love with her, she would take a chance on his crazy scheme. Every day she had found herself thinking more about Jordan and less about Johnny. The memories were becoming cloudier and less important all the time. Certainly, she would never forget Johnny entirely, but she had begun to accept the fact that her life must go on without him. And the thought of spending that life with Jordan was not all unpleasant.

The thought of Jordan holding her like this every night, eating all his meals at her table, waking up next to her every morning was very appealing. Even the more brazen idea of making love with him was not without a certain degree of allure. He made her feel attractive and desirable in spite of her full figure. Those short, chaste good-night kisses and the feel of his arms around her had reminded her what it was like to be touched by a man. Maybe it was as he had said: her hormones were just running wild, but never, not even with Johnny, had her skin tingled beneath a man’s fingers or that warm, anxious ache settled deep within her just as it was right this minute. If she were to marry Jordan, there would be hope that someday he would come to her and love her until that ache went away.

If she agreed to this marriage, she would want a real commitment from him. She couldn’t bear the thought of them living separate lives under the same roof. If she were to become his wife, she would want him to become her husband in every sense of the word. She needed some sort of assurance that he wouldn’t leave her if the mood struck him. Carefully phrasing her question, she tried to test his sincerity.

“So what if the baby turns out to be the donor’s?” she asked, her voice muffled against the fabric of his sports jacket. “You’d be stuck with a wife and a child who wasn’t even yours.”

Possessively he rested his hand on the swell of her stomach. “This baby is mine,” he replied confidently.

“But what if—”

He silenced her by reaching down and hooking his finger beneath her chin. As he lifted her face, he lowered his head until their lips met in the first real kiss they had shared. Slowly his mouth moved over hers, savoring her sweet softness. The tip of his tongue ventured out to follow the inner curve of her lips, which parted beneath his touch. Her arms wrapped around his neck and her fingers combed into the blunt-cut thickness of his dark hair, pressing his head closer. With a groan that expressed all the frustration and desire that had been building within him for the last two months, he opened his mouth hungrily, sensuously devouring hers.

Lauren felt a shiver of passion race through her veins, making her heart do strange leaps in her chest and her breath catch in her throat. She clung to him, certain that if she let go, her rubbery knees would never support her weight and she would slip to the floor. For several long, wonderful minutes they responded to each other with the abandon of two people whose emotions had been restrained far too long.

When their lips parted at last, Lauren could feel Jordan’s body trembling with the same excitement she was experiencing. For the first time she felt confident that once they made love, he would realize that he needed her every bit as much as he needed their child. Maybe then she could become the most important person in his life.

“Jordan,” she whispered, “maybe marriage isn’t such a bad idea after all.”

Chapter Ten

“My lovely Lauren, we’ll be happy. I promise you,” Jordan stated positively, hugging her as close as her stomach would allow. “This baby will be the most loved and wanted child in the whole world.”

Lauren dried her eyes and wiped her nose on the handkerchief Jordan had handed her. Yes, there was no doubt about that. She felt a little guilty for being jealous of an innocent unborn infant, but she wanted, just once, to hear Jordan say the same things about her. At least she could derive some degree of happiness from the prospect that they would be together and have time to discover all the hidden mysteries of each other’s personalities.

“So did you have some sort of special plans for this evening?” she asked, noticing for the first time that she had been dripping her tears on a very expensive navy blue linen sports jacket. “I’m sure you didn’t dress up so much only to come over here and watch me cry.”

“I was on my way to a party when I decided to drop by here, but the party was just something to fill the hours and I certainly don’t mind missing it. That is, if you don’t care if I hang around here for a while.” One dark eyebrow arched quizzically as his lips curved into his charmingly crooked smile.

“I’d be very upset if you left.” she responded honestly. “I’m afraid the most excitement I can offer you around here is an evening in front of the television. But I’ll put real butter on your popcorn, and let you pick out which shows you want to watch.”

As they worked together in the kitchen, with Jordan sweeping up the broken glass and Lauren fixing them each a soft drink while the popcorn popped, he couldn’t resist commenting, “We’re acting like an old married couple already. See how much help I can be with the housework.”

“I hope you are as good at replacing that window pane as you are at cleaning up the mess. There should be a piece of plywood in the shed out back. Before you leave, I’d appreciate it if you’d cover that hole so no one else will decide to break into my house tonight.”

“Not only will I fix the window, but I’m going to install a double-keyed dead bolt on it. A woman who lives alone in this city should take extra precautions to discourage intruders. I can’t believe how easy it was to get in here.”

“It would have been even easier if you’d knocked louder,” she replied dryly. Dumping the popped corn into a large bowl, she sprinkled it lightly with salt and then poured the melted butter over the fluffy white kernels. “Or you could have walked around to the front door. Since I was in the living room, surely I would have heard you.”

“I didn’t even realize you had a front door. I’ve always come in through the kitchen and your house is set so strangely on this lot that I didn’t know whether it was the front, back or side door.”

“That’s because when this house was originally built, which must have been in the late twenties or early thirties, it had a huge front yard that went all the way to the side street. But apparently, someone decided that they would rather have the money than the land and sold that front lot. When the new owners built their house, it cut this one off from the front street and made it seem to be sitting sideways. Houston was still pretty much of a cow town back then and zoning restrictions were unknown.”

“I suppose you’ll be moving into my house after we’re married,” Jordan commented as he picked up a bowl of popcorn and followed her back into the living room. “It’s plenty big enough for me, you and a half dozen babies. When I bought it a couple of years ago, I had a subconscious wish that someday I might be raising a family there, even though I was aware of my problem. But I had hope that medical science would come through for me. I just didn’t realize it would be so soon.” He gave her a pleased smile before continuing with his description of his house. “It has formal living and dining rooms, a nice sunny kitchen, a study, three and a half bathrooms and four huge bedrooms with a sitting room off the master bedroom that would make a perfect nursery.”

Lauren frowned. She had already fixed up the other bedroom in this house for a nursery. The thought of moving away from here and her shop hadn’t occurred to her when she had considered his proposal, but it was reasonable to assume that she would move into his large house rather than that he would move into this tiny one. Still, the prospect put a little damper on her excitement.

It also struck her as odd that a single man should live by himself in such an oversize house. Or maybe he hadn’t been alone. A new, even more painful jealousy twisted her heart as she thought of Jordan living with another woman. She couldn’t resist asking, “You mean you’ve lived in a house that large all alone for two years? You must have been rattling around in there.”

“Oh, I wasn’t alone,” he replied, tossing a handful of popcorn into his mouth and chewing it with aggravating slowness. “Buffy’s been living with me for the last five or six years. She might be a little jealous of you and baby at first, but she’ll just have to get used to both of you.”

Buffy! How could any intelligent man let himself get involved with a woman named Buffy? Lauren opened her mouth to ask just which bedroom Buffy slept in and why she would be staying there after Lauren and the baby moved in, but she knew that what had happened before tonight really wasn’t any of her business. After all, she had been living with a man for most of the last eleven years.

But Jordan knew he had pushed the joke as far as it would go, so he admitted, “I’m sure she won’t mind if I put a swing set out in her yard. She’ll probably even share her rubber ball and maybe even her doghouse with the baby, although I’m not sure that would be very sanitary.”

“Buffy is a dog!” Lauren exclaimed with obvious relief.

“Please don’t tell her that. She thinks she’s a person who has the misfortune to have to sleep outside. Occasionally, I let her come in the house to keep me company, but she’s a collie and you can imagine how much she sheds in this climate. Which reminds me, if you ever see a long silver or blond hair on my clothes that isn’t yours, then you can rest easy that it’s probably hers.”

“Oh sure,” Lauren snorted, but there was a telltale twinkle in her eyes as she went on, “We don’t even have a marriage license yet and already you’re working on your alibis. Does this mean that you plan on giving me reason to suspect you of running around with blondes who may or may not be dogs?”

“Absolutely not,” he protested. “I plan on being a perfect husband and father, always at your side when you need me.”

“That’s good to hear. Then you can take the two o’clock feedings.”

“Anything except the two o’clock feedings,” he responded with a groan, but his broad grin told her he was joking. “To be honest, I would feel left out if I didn’t get a chance to experience that particular part of parenting after I’ve heard so much about it. And another thing I would like to do is to start going with you to your natural childbirth classes. I don’t know who has been your partner so far, but do you think they would mind if I took over? I know I don’t have much time left before the baby is due, but I think I could catch up with the program.”

Lauren shook her head slowly and positively as she said, “I am not now, and have no intention of ever, attending natural childbirth classes.”

“Are you sure? I’ve always heard—”

“Jordan, I have been carrying this baby for almost nine months and I’ve had a lot more time to research my options and make all the arrangements concerning him than you have. I realize that you are taking this whole fatherhood role very seriously, but you’re coming to bat in the ninth inning. Since you haven’t played the entire game, you shouldn’t give advice to those who have,” she explained with all the patience and understanding she could manage. “Try to remember that I’m the one who has to have the baby. If you want to have an operation without anesthesia, that’s your decision. But that’s not my idea of creating a pleasant memory. The way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with trying to avoid as much pain as possible. I’ve never understood why people think it’s so noble to have to suffer through childbirth.”

He had the grace to look properly chastised. It was obvious he had, however unintentionally, stepped across some invisible boundary line and touched a very sensitive subject that was apparently not open for discussion. He kept forgetting that Lauren had had to make all her decisions alone and would naturally be a little defensive of anyone criticizing her after she had given them so much thought.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to speak out of turn. It’s just that I’ve never been a father and I want to do everything right the first time. This is all so new for me and I might not have another chance to experience it,” he explained with genuine contrition, “which makes it extra special.”

“But you’re right,” he continued, reaching out and tenderly cupping her face in his hands. “You’re the one who’s going to be doing all the work. I just want you to know that I’ll be there with you if you need me. And I promise that I’ll calm down by then.”

“I sure hope so,” she sighed and let him pull her back into his arms. She had already experienced all these feelings of panic, uncertainty and fear of the new responsibility. There were so many options that had faced her that she had had to pick those that suited her best. And now Jordan had all this information dropped on him with such short notice that he must feel a little overwhelmed by the immensity of it all. Because Lauren could sympathize with him, she couldn’t be angry at him for butting in with his opinions. She knew he meant well and that he was trying hard to be useful. And it would indeed be nice to have someone to help her get through these last few weeks, as well as the big day.

By mutual agreement they changed the subject to something less volatile and the rest of the evening passed pleasantly. They were more aware than ever that there were many things yet to be worked out between them, but they were both willing to give it a try.

T
HEY FELL BACK
into their old pattern of spending their lunchtime together as well as their evenings and weekends. But as the weeks passed and Jordan made no further mention of finalizing their engagement, Lauren began to wonder if perhaps she had misunderstood him.

Actually, after he had left on the evening that they had discussed marriage and she had gone to bed, she had been overwhelmed with guilt for even considering letting another man take Johnny’s place in her life. At the moment the minuses had seemed to outweigh the pluses and she had considered calling off the engagement the next day as soon as he came over for lunch. That night Lauren had looked around her comfortable little bedroom and thought of all the work she had done on the house after the renters had left, and she hated the idea of leaving it. She wasn’t sure if she was afraid she would actually miss the house or if she was concerned about moving into Jordan’s territory and out of her own domain.

She had never shared this house with anyone-not even her parents or Johnny. It was the first place that was completely hers. It was her private retreat and she was hesitant about giving it up. She had never before lived alone or been wholly responsible for herself until she moved into this house. Having made the house a home was physical proof that she could make it on her own, and she was proud of it and her accomplishments. Would moving in with Jordan take away some of her self-esteem or dilute her sense of achievement?

Jordan had tried to assure her that he didn’t want to control her life, but just share it. Still, she had no guarantees that once they were married, he wouldn’t change. They had talked about her florist shop and agreed that she should keep the business as long as she wanted to. Her plans had always been to work as much as possible to build it up until she could afford to hire more help to run it for her. Then she would be able to operate the shop in a supervisory capacity while spending most of her time at home with her child, so there was no conflict about her career with Jordan.

She had fewer reservations about the move the following Sunday after having accepted Jordan’s invitation to his home for dinner and a grand tour. It was a beautiful house with large, airy rooms and an oversize fenced-in backyard that would be perfect for raising a child. And since Jordan had done virtually no decorating, Lauren would be able to use her own good taste to turn it into a cozy, comfortable home by providing feminine touches, thereby making it at least partly hers.

She and Jordan continued to get along well as they tried to patiently bide their time until her due date. They would sit for hours, sometimes talking, but often just sharing a companionable silence and many long, wonderful kisses. Lauren was amazed at the way that man’s touch affected her. When she was in his arms all her doubts were forgotten, and she wished she were thin and pretty again so she could be more attractive to him. Her body would actually ache with desire, a feeling she couldn’t remember ever experiencing before, even with Johnny. But the thought of making love for the first time with Jordan while she was still hugely pregnant worked better on her libido than a cold shower. She decided she could wait until after they were married, and apparently so could he, because he was always the one to stop first. The fact that he appeared to have less difficulty controlling his passion than she did was beginning to be very disturbing.