Swan (13 page)

‘I’ve left him, Maddy’ she whispered. ‘It’s over.’

‘What, you mean with Phil? You’ve left Phil?’

She collapsed on the sofa. I sat down next to her,
put my arms around her.

‘What happened Beth?’

‘You were right, Maddy. Phil’s been having an affair
with that bitch receptionist.’

‘Oh my God. What a bastard.’

She wrung her hands, spoke in an anguished rush.
‘Last night, I checked his phone. There were so many messages. Awful, awful
messages, Maddy. Messages going back more than three months ... it makes me
sick to think of them together. The lies, the deceit. I just keep thinking of
all the times he said he was working late, all those bloody charity dinners. It
was all a cover for them to be together. I feel like such a fool.’

My head was reeling. ‘Have you confronted him yet?’

‘No. And that’s the worst part, Mads. It’s like I’ve
been struck dumb or something. Like I’m too scared of what he might say; like,
I know he’s having an affair, I have the proof, but I can’t face hearing him
say it. It’s like at some level I still want to cling to the fantasy that
everything’s okay with us. But I know it’s not. It’s like I’m cracking up, like
I’ve lost the plot.’

I shook my head incredulously.

‘And I keep blaming myself,’ she continued, ‘I keep
thinking that it’s my fault, that I’ve been pushing him away. I’m under no
illusions that I can be a cow to live with sometimes. I know I wind him up, but
there’s just been so much going on, so many things stressing me out, I couldn’t
help myself.’

‘What do you mean?’

She looked at me. ‘There’s a lot of stuff you don’t
know, Maddy. Stuff I couldn’t tell you.’

‘Talk to me, Beth. Is there anything I can do?
Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. Right?’

My sister took a deep breath. ‘Vicky’s autistic.’ I
stared at her. She continued: ‘She was diagnosed last year. It’s been very hard
on us. That’s why we were so desperate to get her into Broadwood. They’ve got
fantastic facilities for children like ... like Vicky.’

I was mute, felt terrible. All those times I’d been
so critical of Vicky, all those times I’d chided her for being so hyperactive ...
it wasn’t her fault.

I got up, went to the kitchen. I needed some space
between us to get my head together. So many things were starting to make sense
now. Phil’s kid glove treatment of Vicky, Beth’s gentle understanding of her
manic outbursts. The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle had finally come together. But
why hadn’t they told me? Why hadn’t my sister trusted me enough to confide in
me?

And yet, at the same time, my heart was suddenly
filled with love for Vicky. The poor kid. I now saw the error of my ways and
realised how terribly unfair I’d been in my damning judgement of her.

I switched on the kettle, took two mugs down from
the cupboard, spooned in some Nescafe. I needed to concentrate on something to
keep myself from getting too emotional.

After a minute or so, Beth wandered into the room
with a lost, faraway look in her eyes. She was more composed now, like a weight
had been lifted off her shoulders. Apparently, her confession had liberated her
to be fully candid with me.

‘You know Mads, it’s funny. All those years that
Phil and I longed for children. It was like the glue that held our marriage
together. We were like a team. We had a common goal, something to work towards.
In a way, childlessness united us and helped us not to focus on the cracks. Now
when I think about it, things haven’t been right with us for some time.’

I raised my eyebrows. This was another shock.

She came up beside me, took the kettle from me and
proceeded to pour the coffees. She didn’t look at me, almost like she was
scared of my reaction.

‘But you always made out that things were so perfect
between the two of you,’ I said reproachfully.

Beth shook her head. ‘It might have seemed that way,
but after you’ve been married for as long as we have, things start to grow
stale. You have to try twice as hard to make it work. Phil stopped being the
man I married a long time ago. We spent so many years yearning for Vicky and
then, when she finally came ...’ Her voice trailed off. ‘Motherhood isn’t quite
what I thought it would be. I mean, God, I love Vicky to bits, but it isn’t the
be all and end all, you know? Your problems don’t just miraculously disappear
because you’ve got children. If anything, they help to highlight the
shortcomings in your relationship.’

It was the first time my sister had truly opened up
with me, and I found, surprisingly, that we had more in common than I thought.
We each had our own private torments, our own private turmoil. And strangely, I
found it deeply satisfying. Her so-called perfect life was a sham.

She stirred the coffees and inquired whether I
wanted milk or cream. I said neither, so we both settled for black. Mug in
hand, Beth leaned against the sink despondently. ‘Did I tell you that Phil and
I don’t sleep together any more?’ I shook my head. She continued: ‘We haven’t
done since Vicky was born. At first I thought it would just take a bit of time
for us to get back into the swing of things. But, well, I’ve gone off him,
Mads. Physically, I mean. I don’t find him attractive anymore. When he reaches
out for me, it’s like I’m gonna be sick. He totally repulses me.’ She took a
sip of coffee, winced. ‘It’s like we’re brother and sister now. There’s no
sexual spark there anymore.’ She broke off, looked at me for reassurance. ‘You
probably think I’m being a bitch, don’t you?’

‘No, I just think you’re being honest. If that’s how
you feel, then there’s no point denying it.’

Beth smiled faintly. ‘I don’t know, Mads, I really
don’t. Sex used to be such a big part of our relationship. We used be at it
like rabbits. I don’t know where it all went wrong.’

‘Do you think perhaps it’s something psychological?
I read that after giving birth, a lot of women lose their libido. Perhaps you
should have seen a therapist or something.’

‘Phil did suggest that. He was even going to pay for
this really expensive one in Harley Street. He said I needed to sort out my
issues, or he was going to look elsewhere. I didn’t think he was being serious.
Didn’t think he had the guts. And now look what’s happened. Oh Maddy, I’ve
really fucked up haven’t I?’

‘No you haven’t! It still doesn’t give him license
to cheat on you, Beth. You deserve better than this.’

She stared at me for a second. ‘Sometimes I envy you
so much, Mads.’

‘Me? Why would you envy me for Christ’s sake?’

‘I envy your freedom, the fact that you have no
ties. You can travel the world. Do anything, be anything. I can’t. I’m
trapped.’

‘Yeah but what’s the point of freedom if you’ve no
one to share it with? Do you know how much of my life I’ve spent alone? Trust
me, you wouldn’t want to swop places with me.’

‘I always hated the fact that you were Mum’s favourite.’

‘No I wasn’t,’ I replied indignantly. ‘She loved us
both equally.’

‘No she didn’t. It was always you, you, you. The
baby. I could never do anything right. I was always the bad one.’

‘Maybe that was so when we were kids, but look at
your life now.
[E8]
 
You’ve
achieved so much. You’ve brought a beautiful child into the world. You’ve got a
husband. I’d give anything for that.’

‘Would you really?’ she snapped. ‘And what about
when the honeymoon period is over? What then? Everything’s falling apart. I
don’t recognise what my life has become. I’m so scared. For the first time in
my life, I don’t know what to do. My head’s so screwed up.’

I felt a deep connection with my sibling that I
hadn’t experienced before. We were united in our misery, and in so doing, had forged
an impenetrable bond.

‘Do you still love Phil?’ I asked quietly.

‘Yes.’

‘Do you think he still loves you?’

‘How would I know? If his behaviour is anything to
go by, I’d say not.’

‘Beth, you need to confront him. You need to talk to
him, sort this out. Find out if there’s a way forward.’

‘But I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again,
Mads. Even if he promises never see that bitch again, it still feels like such
a betrayal. He’s destroyed everything we built together. Everything I believed
in.’

‘I know, I know. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ll
be there for you every step of the way. Look, why don’t you stay here tonight,
clear your head and see how you feel in the morning? Don’t make any rash
decisions. You need to think about what’s best for Vicky in all of this.’

Beth smiled angelically through her tears. She
looked twelve years old again. I knew then that I really did love my sister.

Chapter
Ten

Phil’s charity was located in a plush office block
on the Holloway Road. I had never been there before yet somehow, seeing it for
the first time filled me with an uncanny sense of déjà vu. It was just as I
imagined it: flashy and pretentious.

We arrived at half three. Beth found a parking space
directly opposite and for a couple of minutes, we kept to the safety of her
Prius, talking in earnest like members of M16. We had the semblance of a plan,
but still had to agree on the fine details.

‘Okay, are we ready then?’ I asked.

Beth killed the engine. Nodded.

We got out and crossed the road. I shivered
slightly. The air had cool, stale feel to it. Passing through a set of
automatic doors, we entered the comfortable reception area. The walls were
painted white, and to one side, there was a faux leather sofa for visitors and
an array of plastic plants and flowers. Behind the desk stood a chinless wonder
of thirty-five. She wore funky, purple-framed D&G specs and an ill-fitting
skirt suit. Her face was long, lean and hollow like Peter Cushing’s and she
wore her blonde (roots badly needed doing), straw-like hair in a bun like a
Geisha girl. Not very attractive at all. But then, are the other women in
marriages ever as glamorous as one expects? Men don’t necessarily cheat because
they have found a younger, prettier model. No. They do it because
they can
. Because the opportunity was
there and they just couldn’t say no.

Peter Cushing simpered at us from behind the desk.
‘Hello, can I help you?’

‘I’m here to see Philip Watson,’ Beth replied
tersely.

‘Do you have an appointment?’

‘I don’t need an appointment. I’m his wife.’

Peter froze. Swallowed hard. ‘Um, okay. I’ll just
phone up and announce you.’

Beth sprang into action. Lunging forward, she
slammed her fist over the receiver to prevent her from dialling. ‘Now listen to
me, you little bitch, I’m not here to play games. I know about you and Phil. I
know all about your little rendezvous so spare me the pleasantries, okay?’

Peter nodded. Her hands were shaking like a leaf.

‘Right,’ Beth continued, relaxing her grip, ‘we’re
going to play a little game. You are going to do exactly what I say, or my
sister here is going to make things very uncomfortable for you.
Very uncomfortable.
Do you understand?’

‘Yes,’ Peter chirped.

‘Good!’

I stifled a smirk. The whole scene was playing out
just as I had envisaged.

Beth rummaged through her Louis Vuitton bag, took
out a scrunched up piece of paper and shoved it in Peter’s face.

‘Now darling, read through that please. Familiarise
yourself with it. And when you’ve composed yourself, I want you to call Phil,
put on your slinkiest, sexiest voice and read it to him.’

‘I-I don’t want to. You can’t make me. You’re
crazy!’

Beth raised her hand above her head like she was
going to slap her, and then thought better of it. ‘Look darling, I am fighting
a terrible urge to beat the living crap out of you, so don’t rile me. If you
think this is crazy, you haven’t seen anything yet. You’ll do what you’re told
or suffer the consequences.’

Peter gulped, looked towards me. I pulled my
Rottweiler face, and she cast her eyes downward in quiet defeat. We had her in
a corner and she knew it. After reading silently through Beth’s script, she
cleared her throat and tentatively dialled Phil’s number.

‘Hi babe, it’s me. What are you doing now? Uh-huh ...
yeah, well I’m just down here all alone thinking of you. I really want you
baby. I want to take you for a ride in my pussy wagon. I-I want to run my hands
over your hot body. I want you to butter my muffins and spank my koala.’ Peter
spoke the words like she was chewing on a rock. ‘I want you to put your icing
on my cake. Ooh yeah baby, are you getting turned on yet? Okay, can you do
something for me please? Take your clothes off and wait for me. I have a sexy
surprise for you ...’ She put down the phone, couldn’t meet our eyes. ‘He’s
waiting for you.’

‘Have you ever thought of going into acting?’ Beth
quipped. ‘That was a brilliant performance. Honestly darling, your talents are
wasted here.’