Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love) (11 page)

Chapter 20

Roxie

11:05 p.m.

I snuggle close to Cruz, my head on his bare chest in the bed and we’re  watching TV or at least
playing
at watching TV. His hands are stroking lightly all down my naked back to my butt. He’s told me he loves my butt. The apple bottom shape, making he him crazy he said, when he sees it or touches it. I always laugh at that but I’m secretly pleased that he likes my full figure.

The movie had been as terrifying as I thought and yeah, I wouldn’t be going to sleep for a while. That’s okay though, the longer I stay awake the more I could hold him close. We’ve had sex already once, but Cruz wasn’t a man who only lasted one time. I’m expecting that any time soon, he’ll want to get the pleasure party started again.

“Mmm…” I couldn’t stop the small moan from escaping. Cruz is seriously turning me on with his touch.

“I thought you said you were tired?”

“How the heck do you expect me to sleep when you’re touching me like that? Besides, that movie scared the bejeezus out of me.”

“So, what you’re telling me is that scary movies make you horny.”

I can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. “Now, you know I’m not even saying that at all.”

Cruz pinches my ass.

I screech and slap his hand away from the tender spot.

“Anything I can do to make you relaxed fall asleep?”

I snicker. “As if you didn’t have something in mind to get me relaxed as you call it.”

“Well, I think a little massage may get you all tired out enough to sleep.” He tangles his fingers in my hair.

I snuggle even closer to him. This
is
the life. “I think you want to do more than just massage me.”

Cruz kisses the top of my head.

In response, I kiss his chest. I hear the sharp intake of his breath.

He loves it when I kiss his chest.

I bring myself up to look directly into his eyes and cover his body with mine. He’s hard and all muscle.
Damn, I love how in shape he is
. Our lips are so close to each other’s and a kiss is imminent until the shrill sound of the hotel phone breaks through with ear piercing clarity. I roll off him with a huff.

He sits up and gets it.

My hand is flung over my eyes as I wait. Who the heck is calling him at this late hour?

“It’s for you.”

I sit up quickly. “For me? What—who?”

“It’s Candy.” He hands me the phone and gets up, heading to the bathroom.

Setting the phone to my ear, I speak, “Candy? Why are you calling me so late? Something happen at the motel?”

“No girl, your mother’s nurse has been blowing up my phone nonstop.” Candy sounds flustered and a bit miffed.

“Why, what’s happened?”

“The nurse said that your mother fell out of bed and has been taken to the hospital. Girl, you have me lying to your mother. When are you going to just come clean? This is getting to be a bit too much for me and I don’t know how much more of it I can stand.”

Candy’s words sink in and I close my eyes, shutting out the light.
Oh, God.
I shake my head to collect my thoughts.
How come I didn’t get a call?
My eyes snap open and I reach for my purse which is next to the phone on the nightstand. I grab my cell phone and I realize I never took it off  silent. There were several missed calls from Kathy and I do mean
several
. They really had blown up my cell with calls. I return to the call. “I’m so sorry Candy. I appreciate what you’ve done for me and I know it’s a strain. Did she say anything else?”

“No, that was it, other than you need to get there as soon as possible. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to fuss, but shit if they don’t know how to drive someone crazy! You and I need to talk.”

I so understood where she was coming from. My mind is scrambling trying to come up with a solution. “Okay, thanks for everything Candy. We’ll talk, I promise.” I hang up the phone, then sit there on the bed and exhale.

I hear Cruz return from the bathroom. The bed dips as he sits next to me. I can see the questions in his eyes.

“You have to go.” It wasn’t a question.

I nod, getting up and going to the closet to find something to wear. I don’t feel any urgency and that makes me think I’m a bad person. I should be rushing, running around and screaming. I can’t muster that at all. What keeps running through my head is what if this
is
a ploy by my mother? Then just as quickly, I worry that maybe it isn’t a ploy and she really is hurt?

Cruz comes up behind me and places his hands on my waist, turning me in his arms.

I place my arms around his neck and I steel myself against the tears. She doesn’t deserve them, she never has but I always find myself doing it.
What the hell?
Why is she so wrapped around my psyche?

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Mom fell and is in the hospital.”

“Let me drive you over there.”

I want to tell him yes, but I’m not ready for that. I mean we just had that conversation earlier. What would the difference be now? I turn in his arms, put my hands on his chest and look up into his eyes. “You promised me some time and I’d like to take that time.”

“I don’t have to go in. I want to be your support system.”

I’m struggling within myself. I want him to come—in fact, I need him to come with me. The other side of that coin is my mother and Kathy. My mother has had such a hold on my life—since forever. I need to be free, yet here I am holding onto them like a security blanket. I only have a few seconds to make a decision. I can see it in his eyes. “Take me there.” I say even as my stomach clenches with worry. It would be just my luck if Kathy follows me out when I need him to come and pick me up.

Then, he kisses my neck. “Thanks babe.”

I forget all about the queasiness. “Mm-hmm, now let me get dressed please. A little clothing won’t harm you either.” I say this with a small smirk on my lips.

He kisses my bare shoulder, then moves away to the small dresser that held his clothing.

As soon as he moves away, I start to feel sick to my stomach again. I need to calm myself. I grab my clothes and rush into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Tossing the clothes on the counter, I run water and then kneel in front of the toilet to empty my stomach. I don’t want him to hear me throwing up. Then, the questions would start again and that’s something I can’t handle right now. How can I tell the man I love—yeah I love him—that I’m so scared about a confrontation, I’ve made myself sick to my stomach?

Hugging the toilet like a frat boy isn’t my highest point. I need to get control of myself. It could always be worse. They don’t know about him...They don’t. Now, on to convincing myself that everything is going to be okay and I can have it all.

Chapter 21

Cruz

12:00 a.m.

She’s holding back on me. It has everything to do with her mother and Kathy the nurse. It is puzzling to me, because I’m still not sure of the connection between Kathy and Roxie’s mother. I’m going to make a note to myself to check that line of thought out. Determination fills me with the need to break through to Roxie.

To have her realize how what we have is more important than holding onto the past. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the last few months while dealing with the odd look or two…Is that the past is the past and it has to stay that way. Sure, I need to learn from it, but dwelling on the past, digs us in deeper and makes it harder for change.

I’m changing day by day. My psychiatrist is actually pleased with my progress. I want to move forward with Roxie. We’re meant to be and I believe that more with each passing day. The thing is, she needs to believe or we won’t work. I can tell she cares about me a great deal. At times, when I’m brave enough, I can see the love that shines in her eyes when she thinks I’m not looking.

I pull up to the hospital on the emergency room side; it’s the only way she can go in there at this time of night. She leans over and kisses me but before she runs off, I say something, “You’re going to call me when you’re done right?”

She’s about to get out and her shoulders sag. “Yeah, I’ll call you Cruz. Although, I will probably see if Candy can just get me.”

“Seriously?” I can’t help but inject the anger I’m feeling.

Roxie lowers her eyes and gives me that telltale sign of apprehension by biting at her bottom lip.

It’s a crossroad and I don’t think we’re ever going to get past it. I decide to let her off the hook. “Go see your mom. Just text me at least and let me know what’s up please? And if you need a ride, let me know that too. Can you do those two things for me?”

She leans back in and gives me a quick kiss. “Yes, I’ll let you know how she is through a text and I will even let you know if I need a ride.”

I nod. “Thanks, that’s all I want.”

“You mean it’s all you want for right
this second
.” She has a big grin on her face.

I can see she’s teasing me. “You got it. Now go and see your mom. I’m going to head back to the room and get some writing done. I can’t sleep, so I’ll be up I’m sure.”

“Cruz?”

“Yeah Rox?”

“I think I’m falling in love with you.” She pushes away from the car and heads in through the sliding doors.

She just went and left me in shock.
How in the hell can you say that to someone and leave?
Our life is in such turmoil and she’s going to tell me she loves me? When she can’t even choose between me and her mother?
Fuck me!
I can’t think. I need to exercise. I have to, ‘cause she’s backed me into a corner and I don’t know how to get out of it.

God, a drink sounds so good right now. I need to be numb. This is a time of celebration, yet it doesn’t come close to feeling like one. She’s falling for me and that’s a good thing, but we aren’t truly in a good place. I leave the parking lot and head for a dive called Jimbo’s. I know it’s the worst place to be, but I need to find my center again.

It takes less then fifteen minutes to get there. I park and head up the walkway to the small dive. The little brick building is still alive with patrons. You can hear them as you walk up, all of them trying to outtalk the music.

My inner demons are clamoring to get out. This craziness really needs to end. I shouldn’t go in there but I do. Murphy the bartender waves and I wave back as I settle in the back of the room. The bar is filled with the stench of cigarettes, booze and fast women.
Roxie what have you done to us? You love me—yet you can’t choose.
A choice has to be made. Life is always full of choices.

“Heya handsome, long time no see. What can I get you to drink?” Brittany, platinum blonde hair, pale makeup and red lips. She’s been a waitress here forever and I mean
forever
.

Back when I was sneaking into the bar with a fake ID. She’d known then, but she always let me come in and sit. Old habits die hard. I shouldn’t be here. I should go but I keep my butt planted in the seat. “I’d like a shot of Bourbon please, Brit.”

“Coming right up, Cruz.” She gives me a look and heads to the bar. Brittany knew my history.

Drinking wasn’t what I should be doing. I’m sure I’d get an earful when she got back. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. I drift to sleep for a brief hot second and awaken when Brittany brings my drink.

She sets it down so hard it almost sounds like a gun shot.

I narrow my eyes on her. “Thanks Brit.”

Here it comes.

“You should go home Cruz.”

“I should do a lot of things Brittany, but going home isn’t one of them.”

She is right on point and I realize it, I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I cup the Bourbon shot in my hands and stare at the amber colored liquid.

“That’ll be eleven dollars, handsome.”

I reach into my wallet and pull out the appropriate amount with a tip for her. I then stare back down at the drink. My mouth is watering and I’m mesmerized by it.
God, I need to leave
. I swallow hard. I can taste it even though it’s been a long time since I’ve drank. Bourbon was my addiction of choice. I lick the sweat that appears above my top lip.

Brittany is still hovering and she tries one more time, “You sure I can’t interest you in some water or something Cruz?”

I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. I’m okay I can handle this.” I need to struggle through this by myself. “Maybe one sip will be okay.”

“You know your dad used to say that.” Then…Brittany saunters away.

Brittany’s words pierce through me and all I can do is watch her leave. I stood up, almost knocking over my table with how fast I did it. I pick up the glass and walk toward a table, where an old timer is drinking.

I drop it in front of him and head out.
I can’t do this.
I’ve come so far and I wasn’t going to slip back. I need to be strong. Even if Roxie chose her mother over me, I had to be strong enough to break this fucking cycle. One way to break it, would be to never step foot in this bar again, starting tonight.

Brittany grins and waves at me.

I wave back and give her a nod. This would be the last time I would ever see her, unless it was somewhere on the street.

When I pass by her, I give her words that ring true for me, “Consider this handled.”

“That’s right handsome, that’s right.” Brittany chuckles.

I leave Jimbo’s and get in my car. It seems like a cool night which I did want. The cold seeps through to my bones—a testimony to being alive. I battled one demon tonight and won. Now, time to kick the other demons in my world’s asses.