Survivor: Steel Jockeys MC (13 page)

Regan was laughing so hard she was practically spilling wine out of her nose.

"After a few dry martinis, she was trying to kiss me and telling me she hadn't had so much fun in years," said Joe, who was also laughing, though he was clearly a little embarrassed for Ruby to know that he had ever set foot in a strip club. "We only did it as a joke because Colt once said something about wanting to have his ninetieth birthday there."

"What can I say?" said Colt. "I want to go out with a bang."

"When we realized we'd never heard of a biker who actually lived that long, we figured we might as well give it to him now." He glanced at Ruby, and then stared down momentarily at his glass. "I'd never been there before in my life."

"Yeah, right," teased Regan.

Joe laughed. "What? It’s true!" He grinned.

Faces faded; voices blurred like a tuning-up orchestra. She'd thought, for a second, that this could be it--that after so many years of fighting it, on the road, behind a Harley, believe it or not, was the place she belonged. That for a second, it had seemed right. But no--she didn't belong anywhere. The only place she'd ever belonged was with Kyle, and he'd been stolen from her.

Nobody at this table, least of all the young man who'd claimed to, understood that. She pushed her chair back a little; almost considered leaving the table, going outside to take some night air into her lungs. Suddenly, a voice like a dust devil suddenly rose up, swirling, sucking her back to earth. It was Morgan.

"Hey Joe, was Lydia there that night?" asked Morgan, suddenly having looked up from her phone. She spoke innocently, childlike, but it was clear to Ruby that she had been listening all along, waiting to make her move. "I seem to remember you two together, afterward. You know, she's coming back from Mexico this week. You promised her you would meet her at the airport, if I remember correctly." Her eyes drifted coldly over in Ruby's direction, and the smirk on her lips made Ruby feel as if she'd just eaten a forkful of poison.

Joe's face had paled, like he didn't quite know where to look. The recognition in his expression was unmistakable.

Ruby set her water glass down on the table so hard the liquid spilled out and onto the tile floor.

"I'll tell you what I think of Joseph Ryan's promises," she spat out. "He promised he'd never let me down, but he did. I think he's liar, a cheat, and a thief, and I wish he'd never come into my life--or Kyle's, either. Because if he hadn’t, maybe Kyle would be still be here now."

She reached into her pocket and threw the ruby down in the center of the table, chain and all.

"That was with my brother the night he died. And I found it in
his
jacket." She pointed at Joe.

Joe had stood up from the table, silent, resigned, a terribly serious look in his eyes, as if he hadn’t decided yet what he could say.

Ruby spoke calmly, knowing if she looked in those eyes, she would crumble. She would die because the look of concern he was giving her was exactly the same one had given her when she'd jumped off his bike and taken off across that muddy field. He had tricked her with that look. He had caught up with her and approached her like a skittish animal, talking her down, pretending to lay himself bare and make himself vulnerable so she would no longer be afraid to let go of herself. To strip away her every carefully-constructed defense and lie armor-less in his arms. Something she could never, ever, do again.

"I'm going to go upstairs now. If you follow me, I'll scream. Sorry for ruining dinner. Goodnight."

Her face burned hot and wet on the way up the stairs, passing the blurry family photos that marched up the wall, arranged from oldest to newest. She hated them. This entire world was a lie. She knew now what she should have known all along: that she had been wrong to trust him--all wrong. She was right when she'd told Fox she was cursed.

Nothing had ever gone right, she realized as she threw herself down on the guest bed, tears flowing freely now and wetting the comforter. But at least she was no longer under any illusions that anything ever would.

"You've got to be kidding," she growled in response to the knock at the door.

"Ruby, I--" Joe hesitated for just a second. "I'd offer to explain, but I know there's no explaining this."

"Good. We're in agreement."

A second ago, up in the spare room, Ruby had been packing up her meager belongings and throwing them into her handbag, her vision blurred and unfocused, her movements automatic. But now she set it down on the bed. The truth was, she had no idea where she would go when and if she walked out the door of the Curtis house. Ever since she'd been forced to flee her apartment in Oakland, this had been the closest she'd come so far to a safe haven.

Yes, Holly and Regan and Colt been kind and welcoming to her, but they were also delusional--and they would take Joe's side. Yes, she was Kyle’s sister, but they'd known Joe for longer; they'd had time to accept the idea that he was upright and honest. But Ruby knew now she could no longer trust the judgment of others over her own.

If she didn't look out for herself, who would? In her life, she had trusted only Kyle, and if fate and the Jockeys had torn him away from her, then she was left with only herself. It could be no other way. Although the wind and cold already seemed to seep through the window and eat at her through her thin sweater, she would walk out, and she would find a way to go on.

She opened the door, knowing she would have to push past Joe without looking at him. He didn't try to physically stop her, just stood beside the door. She lowered her head.

"Listen. Don't leave. It's not safe."

"Safe? That's rich. I think war-torn Syria would be safer than here." She slung her handbag over her shoulder.

"Okay,” he said, taking a deep breath, looking down at the floor as if to gather his thoughts. “Here’s the deal. I'm going to try to explain, but if whatever lame speech I’m about to choke out isn't enough, Holly and I agreed that I should be the one to leave. Not you."

"What about Morgan?"

Joe's rolled his eyes. "That kid is missing the next party, that's for sure."

"What, her mom's punishing her for telling the truth?"

"The truth as she believes it,” he replied. “Look, yes, there is a Lydia. It's my fault for not telling you about her earlier. She's Aaron Beeson's cousin. I ended it with her a month ago. She went to stay with Aaron in Mexico, and I haven't seen her since."

Ruby stayed silent, hoping he'd get the point that she'd need more of an explanation than that.

"Morgan believes in the philosophy of keeping your enemies close.” He explained. “She's been texting her, screwing around with her and trying to stir up trouble. I guess she figured if she couldn't get to Lydia, she'd try to get to you, using Lydia."

"This girl--" Ruby began. "Does Morgan love you, or does she want to get you killed?"

"All I know is that she's absolutely terrifying. She's only thirteen, but I swear, if I drop dead tomorrow, she'll be running the Jockeys the very next day. But," he added, "I know this isn't about her. Or Lydia."

He was suddenly silent, and when Ruby looked up to see why, she saw that he held the ruby necklace out like an offering. It looked strange, frightening almost. It was like blood running out of his ivory-hued palm, like stigmata. His full lips were parted a little, and his fiery amber eyes shifted, as if he weren't sure whether to look at the necklace, or at her. It was the tangible symbol of the onus, of the guilt that he carried over Kyle's death.

As she stared down at his hand, she realized she couldn't walk out on that. She knew he hadn’t had to come upstairs to try to talk to her. He didn’t need to bring her back the necklace at all. She bent down and in a second, snatched it out of his palm, hoping not to touch any part of his hand and thus give the illusion of intimacy. The gold chain was warm against her own skin as she slipped it over her neck. She dropped her handbag to the floor and reentered the room. She crossed her arms and slid onto the edge of the bed, hoping not to give the impression that she was too comfortable. That she could walk out the door with the drop of a hat.

"You were there that night," she murmured, hugging herself. "The night Kyle died. It was you I saw. In the darkness, far off down the street. Sean knew it too. That's what he was hinting at the other night."

"You're right," he said after a beat. "I was."

"Then why didn't you
do
anything?!" she demanded, the frustration and grief reflected in the volume of her voice.

"It was too late, Ruby!" exclaimed Joe, back against the wall, hand raking through his hair in agony. "By the time I figured out what was going on, the cops were already a block away. I had just enough time to grab the necklace and get out. I knew if I stayed, it would only mean getting myself killed or arrested. Or worse, traumatizing you in a way that it would make it impossible for me to ever get close to you again. You already hated the Jockeys. Kyle made it clear he never wanted us to come near you. I respected that."

"But if you knew I didn't trust you, why didn't you give me the necklace?"

"I think tonight's dinner demonstrated that pretty well," he replied, unable to disguise the bitterness in his voice, though she knew it wasn't directed at her.

Ruby had to admit he was right. "Still," she said. "You know how much it would have meant to me. I only have the vaguest notion of what happened that night. I would give anything to find out. If you had nothing to hide and if you're so obsessed with earning my trust, why did you lie about the one thing that mattered most?"

"Because, think about it, Ruby. When I met you, I had five minutes to get you out of your apartment safely. Would you have gone with me if I'd showed you that necklace? Or would you have kicked me in the nuts and run out screaming? I couldn't take that chance. Yes, I said I’d be honest with you. But there's also something you don't know." Joe took a deep breath. “The night before he died, he told me that he needed to know that if anything happened to him, that I would protect you. And I promised him I would."

"You did?"

"Although I can see now that I pretty much fucked it up in every way imaginable."

"Well," Ruby said with a little turn-up of her lips, "I'm still alive, aren't I?"

"I know you don't believe me now, but that promise was more important than anything else. I already hate the fact that Kyle died instead of me. If I'd lost you too...” He faltered; the grief, even theoretically, overwhelming. “I would have broken my promise to Kyle. You were all I had left of him. I had to take the chance at a little dishonesty to get you to trust me in the long run.

“Why do you think I kept the necklace at all? If I had no intention of giving it to you, I would have pawned the damn thing. Thrown it in the river, even. I just...” Slowly, he edged toward the bed, but did not sit. Instead, he slid cautiously onto the floor, as if not to crowd her. She shifted, but did not inch away. “I wish I knew more, Ruby. Then I could tell you what really happened. I could do what I said I'd do and put an end to all of this insanity with Fox and the Reapers. I could let Kyle rest in peace."

"Joe," she said slowly, the beat of her heat seeming to punctuate every word. "Tell me. Did Fox kill Kyle?"

There was nothing she could do now to make up for the fact that, if true, she had lain in the open jaws of a monster. But she just
had
to know. She had to believe that she was woman enough not to fall apart; that instead she could take it and act. Kyle, at least, would have believed that she could.

Joe took a deep breath and turned to her, resting one hand on the bed, the one above whose wrist were the beginnings of the tattoo Ruby had not yet had the time to examine properly. She fixed her eyes on it now, realizing how incredibly grateful that Joe, of all people, would be the one to tell her the truth. Coming from him, it wouldn't be so hard.

"I wish I could tell you." She deflated. "But all I know is that Fox was up to something. Kyle thought he was legit, but he wasn't."

"He wasn't?"

"No. And Joe found out too late, after he was already in too deep to get out. And so did I--too late to help get him out."

Ruby thought back to when Fox had been the face of her salvation, the one chance for her and Kyle to get out of the outlaw life. Fox, with his designer clothes, money, and his plastic angel's halo.

She should have known that was all too good to be true, but she was desperate to believe in him, in the benevolent white prince who could carry her off to his castle.

For all her supposed independence, she'd been as silly and naive as the next girl. And she hated for Joe to know that about her. Joe, who stared at the floor and swallowed, who was gorgeous, even righteous, but nobody's prince.

A knight, she'd give him, maybe. A black knight. A knight-errant.

"But Ruby, whether or not he was responsible, I do know that Fox is not a good guy." She must have looked skeptical. "And I’m not just saying that because I don't like him. Or because I’m jealous. Even though I am,” he added, and she hid a smile.

“He was willing to betray us, his brothers. His own family. And not only that, he hurt people. And not just to get what he wanted. He hurt people for no reason. For fun. He
liked
hurting people.

“Obviously when you're in a club full of outlaws, you have to expect that kind of thing. But even with us, there's a limit to what's considered okay. But with Fox, there was no limit. For me, knowing that you were with him, that you worked with him, that you spent time alone with him...

“Well, let's just say I haven't gotten a lot of sleep over the past year. Not like I ever have." He sounded really tortured, and to Ruby's surprise, she was suddenly ashamed of herself. Due to her prejudice toward the club that had been her brother’s whole life, due to her inability to listen to reason, she could have saved Joe from that agony. Instead of blaming the Jockeys, she could have gone to them for help.

"Plus," he was staring across the room, toward the door, and she followed his gaze--but he wasn't looking anywhere, really. He cocked his head toward her. "Something happened.”

"What?”

"I
liked
you. I didn't expect that."

Ruby crossed her arms. "Gee, thanks."

"No, I...Jesus, Ruby, what do you have against accepting compliments?"

"Better men than you have tried." She gave a grin and looked down at the floor. She was suddenly conscious of how the tone in their conversation had changed. Was it a bad thing to let him apologize, to let him explain everything away? He had lied to her, and he had admitted he had lied to her, and here she was, joking around with him all over again, as if she could forgive him. As if he deserved to be forgiven.

Of course, it wasn't lost on her that the young man who was now in the room was the same one who had so bewitched the teenager downstairs that she'd practically thrown a digital temper tantrum when she learned she couldn't have him. And the way Regan had described her reaction when Joe had first come to live with them was beyond a schoolgirl crush.

It was starting to seem like every woman Joseph Ryan had ever met had had the same reaction to him eventually--and even men weren't immune to it. She remembered how Sean Donovan had described the slow burn of Joe's looks, how they crept up on you before you realized how truly devastating they were.

"So yeah, in that way, I was thinking of myself,” he continued with a sigh. “It was part of the reason I waited longer than I should have to show you the necklace.”

"Wait. Back up. Did you just say you liked me?"

"Should I not have?" There was a bit of a laugh in his voice. "I thought you knew."

"Maybe you even...
wanted
me?" He was looking up at her on the bed. Coincidentally, there was something almost chivalric about it. A knight saluting his lady. Joe never ceased to surprise her in that way. For all the leather, tattoos, and tough posturing, there was something inherently gentlemanly about him. He had never known his father, so where had he learned it? Maybe it was innate. "The other night, I figured it was just, you know, an act. To fool Sean."