Surviving Love (28 page)

I turned around and wrapped Zoe in my arms. She is special to me and through our pain we’ve become kindred spirits. I’m not sure where I’d be if I chose to stay away from her, if I chose a different path. And its then that I realized how right she was. I couldn’t have stopped Carter from killing Presley; there was no way I would have known his true intentions. He was there to take me out, and in a way, he did.
 

He killed the part of me. And until Zoe, I thought I could never have it back again. I remember holding Zoe tightly in my arms, and thinking I’m ready. I need to make my peace with that night.
 

Almost two years later, I’m ready to face her again.
 

“Will you come with me tomorrow?”
 

“Sure. Where are we going?” she answered before even knowing where I wanted to take her.
 

I pulled her back and looked into her eyes. They were warm and welcoming and I fell in. “I’m ready to…to see her. Will you go with me?”
 

She didn’t hesitate with her words a single second, “Yes.”
 

We spent the remaining hours of the night tangled with each other. I remember how powerful it felt to finally admit I was ready to move on.
 

I’m pleased Zoe recognized how influential the moment is going to be for our future.
 

As I pull into the cemetery, I drive the Chevelle along the curved roads until I spot the plot where Presley is now resting. The intensity of the moment makes my heart slam into my ribs, constricting my ability to breathe normally. I’m sitting frozen in my seat, scared to get out and face the terrifying conversation.
 

Zoe’s hand comes to my arm and reminds me of why I’m here. Without this, I can’t move forward with this woman, and every fiber of my being knows how much I want Zoe to be in my life. I have to do this.
 

She pulls the flowers from the back seat and encourages me with her eyes. She’s telling me it’s okay and she will be here for me when I’m done. The thought is reassuring, encouraging me to face my future.
 

I squeeze her hand and slowly exit the car. The air is unseasonably warm for early March,
but the moment my feet connect with the grass, the clouds cover the sun, taking all the warmth away.
 

Since this is the first time I’ve been here, I take a moment to look at my surroundings. The cemetery is small. However, the lawn is well manicured, headstones of all shapes and sizes cover the detailed lawn, and resting under a large tree is Presley’s plot.
 

I start to walk toward her. My feet are as heavy as concrete blocks, but I keep putting one boot in front of the other. Before I face this, I notice that Mrs. Fields’s grave is next to Presley’s. The thought makes me happy knowing that, even in death, Mrs. Fields is looking after her. I pull a white lily from my bouquet and lay it on top of her headstone. I nod my head to her, knowing she’s not only looking after Presley, but all of us. I can feel her presence around me. It’s comforting.
 

When I turn to the left, Presley’s headstone comes into view. The black granite is rounded on the edges and mounted on a small matching platform. I lay the bundle of colorful lilies on the top of the granite and study every feature it possesses. The headstone itself is not fancy. It’s very plain with flowers etched in the upper left corner and the name QUINN across the middle. Just below her name a quote is scrolled into the stone. It reads, “
In life, I survived. In death, I am free.”
 

The inscription sends me to my knees as all the looming sadness comes crashing into my heart. I can feel the hurt suffocating me, ripping me practically in half. No other phrase could have explained Presley better. Her life was nothing but survival. She was trying to survive the past one day at a time. As for me, I’ve been trying to survive my love for her from the moment we met.
 

The tears well up and release from my eyes as they travel down my cheeks and onto the wet grass. I miss her so much. Every day without her has been hard, an impossible battle I’ve had to face when I wake up in the morning. I miss her small smile. The way she’d giggle when I gently ran my fingers down her sides. The way her lips always tasted like cherry Chapstick and the way she would always be fastened by my side, looking to me to blanket her fears and give her protection from the impending thoughts.
 

I can feel myself fall apart a little more as I mourn for the woman I love and the mother of my child. I take a few moments to collect myself. I’m here to finally set my agony free and move forward with the rest of my life. This is what she wanted, this is what she was telling me last night when I dreamt the memory my psyche chose to temporarily forget. I’m ready to be free. I want to move forward and not be stuck in the past, wallowing in pain.
 

I debated on writing her a letter again so I could organize my thoughts, but I’ve decided whatever I need to say would be from my heart and she’d appreciate that. And so I begin, “Presley, I miss you.” As the tears free fall from my eyes again, I don’t wipe them away. I let their moisture remind me of why I’m here—to let go of the pain. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you, baby, but it’s been hard. Every day since you died has been so hard to function, hell, even to breathe because I’ve been doing it alone. I never thought I would come here. I never thought I could summon the nerve to face you again, but I can’t keep living my life in this cloak of sadness.” I run my hand down the cool granite, similar to how I had run it over her arms when
she needed the comfort.
 

“I love you so much that my heart breaks whenever I think about you, but I don’t want it to break anymore. I’m tired of thinking about that night. I’m tired of seeing your beautiful face covered in blood. I’m ready to remember you from before that night. The girl I fell in love with and the woman I created a child with. I want to remember your smile and the way you’d look at me with the most incredible eyes I’d ever seen. I don’t want to remember your pain. I want to remember your happiness, baby.” I take a deep breath in and out. My chest hurts and my gut aches, but I need to do this. I need to be free.
 

“Remember the letter I wrote you? How I was begging you to choose life, well…I guess that’s what I’m doing now. I’m choosing to live. I haven’t been living since you died, Presley. I’ve been walking in a constant loop, never going anywhere, only going through the motions of living. So…I’m here to gain your blessing, although I’m not sure how you’ll give that to me.”
 

Just as the words pass my lips, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and lights up her headstone. The chill in my skin instantly warms and I can feel her there. I close my eyes and picture her beautiful face. It’s like she’s telling me it’s okay and that she will always be around. Through the warmth of the sun, Presley is giving me her blessing and the weight of her death finally releases from my body. All that remains is the happiness we shared. The solemn feeling of her depression, her heroin overdose and her death leaves my body as the sun heats up my soul. The good is all that is left.
 

I stand to my feet and brush the dirt from my jeans. I bend forward and place a kiss to the top of her stone then rest my forehead against the granite. “You will always be with me, baby. I love you. And I promise…to never forget. I will never forget. I love you.”
 

Chapter 24
 

Zoe
 

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Mia. Happy birthday to you!” we all sing in unison as Mia stares happily at the three candles on her butterfly cake.
 

“Make a wish, princess,” Drake coos as he strokes the back of her head before placing a kiss to the side of her face.
 

Mia sucks in a big gasp of air and releases it, blowing out the fire. We all clap and cheer as we celebrate another year of Mia’s life.
 

I pull the candles out and begin cutting the butterfly shaped cake into small servable pieces.
 

“I want that one, Zoe.” She points to the tip of the wing with a small zigzag design on it. I swiftly cut the piece and serve it to the birthday girl. Then Delilah and I serve the rest of the cake to the guests.
 

It’s a small party, consisting only of family, but Mia is lavished upon like she is the queen of England. Jake and Delilah have decided Mia needed a trampoline to add to her collection of outdoor toys, and of course, Jake is the first one to test it out.
 

“Come on, Axl! Come jump with Uncle.” Mia abandons her cake and runs to the backyard of the Evans’s family home. The spring air is warm and only a long sleeved shirt is needed to keep the chill away. Jake lifts Mia onto the trampoline and they begin to jump. Mia is giggling with delight as Jake and she hold hands bopping up and down.
 

Drake was a little uneasy about the trampoline, knowing how easy it would be for her to get hurt, but as he watches her, his smile couldn’t possibly get any bigger. He is a good dad and would give Mia his beating heart if she needed it. Drake is the epitome of a great parent. I only wish more kids had parents as loving as Drake is with Mia.
 

We all stand around and watch the train wreck unfold as Jake starts to show off his non-existent jumping talent. Mia has abandoned him minutes ago to swing on her play set and she’s laughing loudly at her uncle showing off.
 

“You’re gonna break your neck, Jake!” Delilah shouts as she tries to coax him off the enclosed death trap. “Get down now!”
 

“Come on, D! You know how talented I am!” Jake shouts back as he jumps high into the air. He lands and he doesn’t get back up. “OW! Mother fucker, son of a bitch, goddamn it, that fucking hurt!”
 

“Uncie Jake, four dollars for my piggy bank!” Mia shouts from the swing. She’s able to hold up her hand, showing Jake the amount of four dollars and has no remorse for Jake’s now swelling ankle.
 

Drake had to invoke a new rule a few days ago when he got a phone call from daycare stating Mia called a boy in her class a fucking d-bag when he stole her chicken nugget at lunch. Drake held a family meeting and said we all needed to watch our mouths around her or else we’d have to pay. Between Jake, Darcie, and sometimes Reggie, Mia has collected about fifty bucks, and if it keeps up at this rate, she will be able to pay for Harvard by the time she graduates high
school.
 

“You stupid fuck! Why do you do dumb shit like that?” Reggie shouts to Jake as Delilah helps him climb down from the trampoline then slaps his hand over his mouth, knowing he’s just cursed.
 

“Three dollars, Uncie Reggie!” Mia reminds him as she holds up three fingers.
 

“Three? I only said two curse words.”
 

“Stupid is a mean word and my teacher said mean words are like curse words. Three dollars, Uncie!”
 

Reggie opens his mouth to argue, but Darcie just shakes her head, knowing it’s a battle he will never win. Drake just laughs at his brothers’ antics as we all sit around the picnic table, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
 

It’s been two weeks since Drake’s visit to the cemetery and there’s been a recognizable change to his demeanor. It’s like a huge weight is gone and he’s finally living life again.
 

He never told me what he said to Presley, and to be honest, I don’t want to know. That was a private conversation between the two of them and I don’t need to be in the middle of his feelings for her. I know he deeply cares for me and God knows I love him. He will come around eventually. We’ve got time.
 

I look over to Drake and fall victim as he flashes me his sparkling brown eyes. When we met, his eyes were always black as coal, absorbed in sadness and pain. Since the cemetery, Drake’s eyes have lightened to a devastatingly rich chocolate-brown. Very, very sexy.
 

“Hey,” Drake whispers, getting my attention. “Come inside with me real quick.”
 

Drake
 

Zoe nods and I start to gather dishes in my hands. I instruct Darcie to keep an eye on Mia while Zoe and I go inside to clean up. I follow her up the back steps and we toss the paper plates in the trash then she starts rinsing off the dishes.
 

I take a minute to watch her as she works on cleaning up. Moments ago, I’ve finally come to realize we were meant to find one another. Through our pain, Zoe and I experienced tragedy and loss, and we did it so we could be led to each other. I understand it now. And with Zoe by my side, I’ve started to slowly heal and accept my life for what it is. She has helped me with that and I want her to know. In this very moment, I want Zoe to know just how precious she is to me.
 

I wrap my arms around her waist as she finishes rinsing the cake off the silverware. I brush my lips to the back of her neck and feel her slowly melt into me. With my lips, I slowly trail light pecks across the base of her neck until I land on the other side. She spins around and I connect my eyes to hers. They are a faint, light blue that sparkle whenever she looks at me.
 

I hold her cheeks in my hand and stop thinking, beginning to only feel. “Thank you, Zoe.” She looks at me confused so I elaborate. “Thank you for being in my life. I know it hasn’t been easy, so thank you for never giving up on me.”
 

“I would never,” she whispers back then places her lips to mine. For a moment, we get lost in each other’s touch. It’s something we always do; we simply get lost.
 

“When you came into my life, I felt like I was dying inside. If it wasn’t from the pain of
losing Presley, it was from the anger toward my brother.” Speaking about Jeremy is still very hard for me. I’m not sure when those feelings will ever dissolve, but I can at least function when I push it down and ignore it like he never existed. “But from the moment I met you, it’s been getting easier, little by little, day by day.” I’m fumbling with my words. I know what I want to say; it’s just trying to find the words to say it is difficult. “I guess what I’m trying to say is…I… love you.”