Surrender to Love (10 page)

    Noticing their presence for the first time, Tanner stepped back from his father, looking embarrassed at his display of affection. His smile faltered as he looked from Kari to Jordan, then back to Shane.
    "This is Miss Hoffman, and...Miss Hoffman, but I bet they wouldn't mind if you called them Kari and Jordan. It's a long story, but let's just suffice it to say they helped me get Rebecca out of the Indian camp, and until they get back on their feet, they'll be staying here?"
    "Miss Kari--Miss Jordan," Tanner said, taking his hat from his head. "Nice to meet you."
    Tanner Catalono was the spitting image of his father: dark skin, dark hair, light eyes framed by long, dark lashes any girl would kill to have.
    "Sit down," Shane said, pulling his son down next to him. He flung an arm around his neck, pulling him up against him and kissing the top of his head. Jordan's heart constricted, smiling as Tanner's cheeks flamed red.
    Tanner cleared his throat, pulling away. "I'm going to get some of those cookies Hank is baking." He was halfway to the kitchen when he turned. "I'm glad you're home, Dad," he said, before disappearing into the kitchen.
    Jordan watched Shane as he watched his son leave. "You must be very proud."
    He nodded. "I couldn't have asked for a better son."
    "His mother?" They were only two words, but the reaction was unforeseen. For an instant pain crossed his features before he quickly hid it beneath that tough exterior she'd become accustomed to this past week.
    "She died giving birth to Tanner. He's a lot like she was; caring, kind, loving." The last was said with a longing that surprised Jordan.
    He looked up. "Sorry, I can drag on at times. I'm sure you know what that's like," he said, glancing over at Kari.
    Jordan was feeling awful for having brought up his wife, but as she glanced at Kari, she was even more perplexed when her cousin sank down into the cushions, her face turning white.
    She nodded at Shane. "Yes, I suppose I do."
    Feeling like she was on the outside looking in, Jordan sat back and waited to be let-in on what appeared to be a private conversation.
    "How old was your husband when he was killed?"
    Jordan barely concealed her gasp of disbelief with an exaggerated cough. She turned to Kari, anxious to hear a response.
    Kari cleared her throat. "Uhmm...forty-one."
    He nodded, his face soft with understanding as he sat back and ran a hand down his face.
    Kari finally met her gaze, her expression pleading.
    "Were you traveling with your husband as well, or were you with Kari--"
    "I'm not married," Jordan said quickly, stepping on Kari's foot for the lie she was making her tell.
    "It must have been so difficult for the both of you to survive after he drowned."
    Jordan bit the inside of her lip and nodded. Unable to continue looking Shane in the eye while lying through her teeth, considering everything he'd done for them, she stood abruptly. "You know, I'm really tired, and I think it would be a good time for us to take a nap, don't you?" she asked, turning to Kari who quickly agreed.
    "Hope you ladies don't mind sharing a room."
    Jordan smiled. "Not at all. It's perfect and we're grateful to have a place to stay."
    "Don't think anything of it. You've gone through a lot, and you deserve a chance to get back on your feet. Don't worry about anything."
    Jordan's hand slid along the slick log banister as she walked up the steps to the second story where the bedrooms were. Once they were safely on the other side of their bedroom door, she cornered Kari. "Your dead husband? Where did that come from? What else haven't you told me, Miss
Hoffman?
How did you explain that we both have the same last name if you're married? Or am I your dead husband's sister, instead of your cousin?"
    Kari shifted on her feet, looking like a guilty child. "Well...he was asking me where we were going, and why we were alone when Gray Hawk took us, and I just thought it up. I didn't know that his wife died. If I had, I would have been more--"
    "Creative?"
    She shrugged. "Well, what would you have done?"
    Jordan sighed. "You could have at least prepared me. What if he would have questioned me when you weren't around?"
    "I completely forgot about it. I guess I was hoping that he would forget, too."
    Jordan sighed heavily. "Well, it appears he hasn't."
         GRAY HAWK rode beside his brother and Young Wolf. Iron Bear pointed to the sea of buffalo that grazed in the valley below. "Letting the women go was what the Great Spirit wanted. It has brought back our buffalo."
    Avoiding his brother's gaze, Gray Hawk looked over the land he'd spent his entire life defending against other tribes. With every day more whites came, a force he feared would not be overtaken.
    "The herd heads North. Let's move our village this night."
    Gray Hawk heard his brother's words, but didn't comment. He for one had no desire to move their village, but for a selfish reason. He wanted to believe that Jordan, having realized she loved him, would make her way back to him one day. If they moved, she would never be able to find him.
    Why was he thinking this way? She was where she wanted to be, living in the white world again. She was probably trying to forget her stay in his village--and forget him. The best thing he could do was move on and try to forget her. "We will speak with father when we return."
    Without another word Gray Hawk took off for the village alone, letting his mind drift and as always, they turned to Jordan. She made him yearn for the white ways, even though it seemed an eternity since he'd lived among them and that experience had not been very pleasant. Yet if he thought about it, there had been good times-- times when he'd envied the white men.
    That evening as Gray Hawk sat to eat with the others, talk was rampant about the bounty of buffalo. All around him voices were raised in joy, and he tried earnestly to share their enthusiasm, but the truth was, he couldn't.
    It was still early when he retired to his teepee. Ever since Jordan left, he had been incredibly lonely. He'd had plenty of opportunities to be with not just Running Deer, but other maidens. Yet no matter how much he yearned for a warm body, he could only be happy with one. His hand moved over the furs where Jordan once slept. Closing his eyes he saw her sweet face, her silky hair, her beautiful body.
    He ran a fist into the furs. If what he feared about his peoples future did happen, then they would need him more than ever. He was wasting his time dreaming of a white woman that would never belong to him. He must forget about her.
    "Gray Hawk?"
    Gray Hawk glanced up to meet his father's obsidian stare, as he sat down on a fur. He was surprised by his father's visit, though it was not completely unexpected. He'd been aware of his father's watchful stare these last few days.
    "You miss the white woman?"
    "You know I do," Gray Hawk replied in frustration. The last few weeks had been hell. Every day it became harder to forget Jordan, when it should have been easier. The only time he had any peace at all was when he hunted, and if he kept at it, he'd supply the whole villages meat by himself in no time.
    "My son, I know the secret war that is going on inside you, for I have fought those same emotions myself. Many say that you are not the same. That the white woman tainted you. They say that you have become cold, and you care nothing for your people...and I believe some of what they say."
    Gray Hawk was shocked at his father's words. He had never turned his back on his people, nor would he. They were his family, but now, listening to his father, the only thing he'd managed to do was isolate himself and become unapproachable.
    He was even more miserable than the day she left.
    "I care little for what others think, father."
    His father wrapped the blanket tighter around his frail body. "Tawanka said that she had a vision that you were going to leave us. That you would seek your own way...the white way."
    Gray Hawk couldn't help but feel betrayed by the old woman, even though he had no right to. Tawanka loved him like a son, and had become like a mother to him when his own had left. She also knew him better than most. "I cannot read the future, nor do I believe anyone else can."
    He'd angered his father, he could tell in the way that his back straightened, and the way his eyes turned dark.
    "I realize that you are in pain, so I will disregard your words. Our people need you. I feel bad that you will have to carry the responsibility on your shoulders of what is to come. No one envies you that, but your people deserve to have your leadership. The battle you fight now is within yourself." His father studied him for a long moment, then said, "I've spoken with the council and they believe you need time to sort through your problems."
    "Father--"
    "Find your destiny, Gray Hawk. Discover what is truly in your heart. When that time comes, whether it is with The People or the white man, we will accept your decision. But in the meantime, I must insist you leave. It is the only way for you to be certain."
    His father's words cut like a knife. He never dreamed that he would be sent away from the people he'd spent his entire life defending.
    "What if I don't know what I'm looking for?" he asked in open defiance.
    His father smiled slowly. "You will find it, my son."
    The words were final. There would be no more discussion on the matter. Gray Hawk knew he would be leaving at dawn.

Chapter 14
    JORDAN SAT back in the tub, sighing as the warm water eased her weary muscles. Having scrubbed pants, shirts and the socks of the Triple T ranch hands all day, she was ready for some rest and relaxation.
    Though she and Kari had every intention of finding work in town, Shane had seen to it to keep them busy at the ranch. But she was grateful for her chores, because it kept her mind busy.
    Every other night, she and Kari took turns trading off the kitchen duties so the other could relax. Thank goodness tonight it was her turn to take it easy.
    She could hear Kari and Shane in the kitchen that was right next to the washroom, talking about their day. Jordan knew for certain that coming to Brogan was the best thing she and Kari could have done. Already they had made a good sum of money, but they also worked their fingers to the bone, and had the blisters to prove it.
    As the water became cool, she stepped out, dried off, and put on her clean white cotton gown, embroidered with tiny rosebuds. It was soft and comfortable against her skin. Shane had been kind enough to take them to town and buy them dresses, but only with the condition that they repay him. However she noticed when she paid him for the clothing, her pay took a jump.
    She glanced at her reflection in the mirror for a moment as she brushed out her long hair. In the month since leaving Gray Hawk, she had lost some weight, and it showed in her face. Her cheekbones were more pronounced, as were the hollows beneath her eyes--which were also attributed to lack of sleep. Something she hoped would remedy itself soon. One of the ranch hands offered her a solution, which she was told consisted of whiskey and a couple of ground up medicinal weeds. Maybe tonight, she thought, knowing she didn't want to lie awake again thinking of Gray Hawk again. Yet every night she lay in bed, her exhausted body begging to sleep, but instead of sleep, her mind would race with images of the handsome half-breed.
    Hearing the scrape of boots on the floor, she quickly put on her stockings. When she heard more than one male voice, her brows furrowed into a frown. All the men ate outside, except for Shane, who would sit with them and the family at the table. Thinking that perhaps Hank had decided to join them, she tidied up the little room, opened the door, her gaze instantly coming to an abrupt halt on the broad shoulders of a guest.
    Her heart thumped madly in her chest. Her eyes narrowed, knowing the width of those shoulders wasn't common. The man's black hair was shoulder length, and Jordan quickly let out the breath she'd unconsciously been holding. It was someone that looked remarkably like....
    The man turned and she let out the breath she'd been holding. "Gray Hawk," she said in disbelief.
    He stood, looking taller...and different than she remembered. Dressed in black pants and shirt, he looked like any other cowboy, but not like any other cowboy. His hair was no longer than Shane's, and he was even wearing boots.
    "Hello, Jordan," he said, his voice sending a shiver down her spine.
    Her hands trembled, and she quickly laced her fingers together in front of her. "Hello," she replied, nodding, willing her legs to move. She slowly strode toward the table, not once taking her eyes off him.
    She sat across from Gray Hawk, who was once again seated. The children were eating in the other room, and she could hear Rebecca giggle.
    Gray Hawk smiled. "She has done well."
    Jordan nodded.
    "How have you been, Gray Hawk?" Kari asked, pinching Jordan's leg under the table, while smiling pleasantly at their guest.
     Jordan flinched from the pain, but sat up straighter and cleared her throat. She wanted to ask him why he had left his people, cut his hair, and was dressed like he was, but she said nothing, and instead stared, amazed at the change in him. He looked so different. There was so little of the warrior left in him, yet he still was so...dangerous.
    "I've been fine. I've decided to leave the village for a while."
    "Will you be staying long?" Kari asked, stepping on Jordan's foot.
    "Shane has offered me work, and I would like to stay, but I think it's only fair to ask how you and Jordan feel about me staying."
    "I think it's wonderful," Kari said with a wide smile. "Don't you think so, Jordan?"
    Jordan swallowed past the lump in her throat. Everything was happening so fast. Weeks ago she had left him, never expecting to see him again, and now here he was sitting across from her, those gray eyes she had tried so hard to forget, boring into hers, obviously waiting for an answer.
    "Yes, wonderful" she said, her voice coming out a squeak.
    His grin was devastating, and instantly memories of what those lips felt like came to her. Her gaze moved to his hands. One was holding a knife, the other a fork, proving to her he wasn't as primitive as she would have liked to believe. As he cut the steak into bite-size pieces, she stared at his long, dark fingers, remembering how they had stroked her body.
    Feeling her cheeks turn warm with the memory, she took a drink of water, and her eyes met Gray Hawk's over the rim of her glass. Those gray eyes were dark and sensual, as though telling her he hadn't forgotten either. Dropping her gaze, she set the glass down and picked up her fork with trembling fingers. She could feel him watch her every move. Forcing herself to concentrate, she managed to get a few bites down, though she had no appetite.
    "You've lost weight," he said, and she glanced up.
    She shrugged. "A little."
    "That, and she never sleeps," Kari added. "She spends all day working her fingers to the bone, but at night she can't fall asleep...for some reason."
         GRAY HAWK'S heart was pounding hard against his chest as he watched Jordan. Had he actually thought he could forget her? As he stared into her green eyes, he wondered why he had ever let her go. With the weight she had lost, she looked so fragile. Her hair was in a simple ribbon. How he longed to bury his face in the silkiness, to tell her how much he hated letting her go, and how much he still desired her.
    "You cut your hair..."
    Gray Hawk sensed regret in Jordan's voice, yet he could see the approval in her eyes as she stared at him. Not wanting to go into detail about his vision quest, he nodded.
    "It's really nice to see you," she added, her voice soft.
    "I've been thinking about you a lot," he said, feeling better than he had in weeks. For so long he'd waited to see her, and now it was as though it were just the two of them alone together.
    It was the first time he'd seen her in white womens clothes. She was the picture of femininity. "You look good," he said, wanting to say so much more, but it was too soon and there were too many people in the room.
    He concentrated on his food, though he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and make love to her.
    Finishing with dinner, Jordan joined Rebecca and Tanner in the living room, trying earnestly to keep her attention on the game of cards, rather than the tall Indian who stepped into the room with Shane.
    His gaze was like a hot caress that she could feel all the way to her soul. She yearned to spend time alone with him, but at the same time, she wondered if she could trust herself in the same room with him.
    Trying to dredge up all the hurt feelings was impossible. She was just too happy to have him here at the ranch, especially when she didn't think she would ever see him again.
    "Good night, Jordan," Gray Hawk said, reaching for the door.
    "Good night," she replied, trying to keep the disappointment that he was leaving out of her voice.
    "Good night, Gray Hawk," Rebecca said, running to him and hugging him. "I'll see you tomorrow."
    Despite her efforts at remaining aloof, Jordan melted at the sight of Gray Hawk giving Rebecca a tight squeeze. "Sleep well, Little One."
    He looked at Jordan with a soft smile before shutting the door behind him.
    Everyone slowly went off to bed leaving her there to stare at the fire. She knew she should try and at least lay down, but now with Gray Hawk's arrival, there would be no way she could sleep. And she had no desire to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
    She wished she would have had some time alone with Gray Hawk to ask him why he was here. Why had he cut his hair, and why was he taking a job at the Triple T? Subconsciously she had to think his decision had something to do with her, but maybe he had come because he needed help, and the only white man he knew was Shane Catalono. Plus, Shane had made it well known that he owed Gray Hawk a favor for saving Rebecca from the Crow.
    A little while later the door opened and Shane stepped in. A pang of disappointment ran through her when he shut it behind him. Had Gray Hawk changed his mind and left? She wanted to ask, but couldn't get the question past her lips.
    Shane looked exhausted, but he stopped when he saw her. "Not tired?"
    "Not really," she replied too quickly. "Could I get you something?"
    "No thanks. I've got to get some sleep," he said, heading for the stairs. "You should try and do the same. Maybe you should heat some milk. That always used to work for me when I couldn't sleep." He grinned boyishly. "Oh, just so you know, we'll have another hand around for a while, so you may want to make a little more for breakfast."
         HANGING THE laundry on the line, Jordan kept looking over at the corral where the shirtless ranch hands were hard at work branding the cattle. It was a grueling process, each man with a specific task, sweat running down their bodies as the smoke swirled around them. The smell of burnt hair and flesh was enough to gag a person, but they went about it mechanically, intent on seeing it done down to the very last cow.
    Gray Hawk had the arduous task of holding down the animal's hind legs, Hank held the front legs, while Shane did the actual branding. Nearby was another group of ranch hands busy at the same task.
    But not one of those hands looked like Gray Hawk. Even from the distance, Jordan could see his muscles bulge beneath his dark skin. She was becoming accustomed to seeing him in ranch clothes instead of the once familiar leather breeches and vest. He was a man like any other...perhaps not like every other, she thought with a whimsical smile as her gaze slid to his firm backside that was clearly defined in snug black pants.
    "Jordan Lee McGuire, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're staring somewhere you shouldn't be."
    Jordan whirled at the sound of Kari's voice. A blush raced up her neck as she turned from her, making busy with the laundry that was taking her longer to hang than normal. "I was just watching the men work."
    "You were distracted, and staring at his..." Kari cleared her throat, "his derriere."
    Rather than deny it, Jordan shrugged, while clasping a clothespin over a sheet. "Ever since he's been here, I find it so hard to work. I'm all right when he's out in the pasture or out of sight, but when he's around, I can't seem to concentrate."
    Jordan knew Kari heard little of what she said since she was busy staring at the men, or Shane in particular, who was holding the branding iron over the hot coals. Sweat streamed down his lean torso, disappearing into the band of his pants. Jordan could see the appreciation flare in her cousin's eyes. "Now who's staring?"
    "Shush," Kari said, slipping behind the sheet, her gaze riveted on Shane.
    Jordan laughed, loving the fact her cousin was going through the same emotions she was. How far they'd come from the young girls who had great aspirations; Kari of marrying a wealthy man and settling down to an easy life, and Jordan, who just wanted a man who loved to ranch as much as she did.
    The cow let out a startled grunt as the brand found its mark.
    "Oh no!"
    Jordan glanced at Kari, who stared wide-eyed at Shane, who was coming toward them in long strides. "Well, what do you know. It looks like Shane needs something."
    "Don't you think I know that?" Kari hissed.
    Jordan smiled as Kari fumbled with a sheet, pretending to be busy hanging it.
    "Ladies," Shane said, tipping his hat. "Dinner needs to be later tonight than usual. We've got a lot of cattle to brand," he said, motioning to the sea of cows corralled a short distance away.
    Jordan noticed that for all Kari was pretending not to be affected by the cowboy, her bright pink cheeks were a dead give away, not to mention she was trying too hard to keep her gaze averted. A shame, since Shane was grinning boyishly, no doubt for Kari's benefit.
    "Miss Kari, it looks as though you're allowing your cousin to do all the work," he said, with an arched brow that brought Kari's attention back to him.
    Jordan had to bite the inside of her cheek as Kari's mouth opened. For a moment she looked ready to reprimand him, but a second later, she lifted her chin and asked, "What do you mean by that?"
    He shrugged. "It just seems that every time I turn around, Jordan's doing the majority of the work, while you're daydreaming. If the chores are too difficult for you, then maybe we could find something else for you to do. There is no time to rest on our laurels around here. So let me know."
    He turned on his heel so fast, Kari didn't see the satisfied smile on his face, but Jordan did.
    "Well, that good for nothing--"
    "Kari, he was just kidding."
    Kari shook her head. "No, he wasn't. He was serious. His tone may have been playful, but his expression wasn't. Well, I'll show him!"
    Jordan watched Kari stomp off toward the house. What was it between her and Shane anyway? The two loved goading each other. In fact, they seemed to go out of their way in order to irritate one another.
    A smile came easily to her lips, because she knew exactly what was going on between them.
    Hanging the rest of the laundry, Jordan decided the men probably could use a little refreshment. Going to the kitchen, she grabbed a few glasses and a pitcher of lemonade. Heading out to the corral, Jordan told herself she was only doing this for the men, and not just to be near Gray Hawk again.
    Never mind she was taking special care on her appearance lately. Or the fact she suddenly looked forward to every meal, lingering longer at the dining hall when serving the hands and spending more time outdoors. Anything to see the tall, dark man who had come storming back into her life.
    So many times she'd been tempted to sneak out and see him. But when he shared a bunkhouse with thirty other men, it was hard to be inconspicuous. She'd considered sending him a note, but thought of how embarrassing it would be if it landed in the wrong hands. No, the only way to get his attention was to become obvious.