Super Schnoz and the Invasion of the Snore Snatchers (9 page)

They assembled what looked like a row of army barracks and a large storage building for supplies. Space-age-looking land rovers rolled out of Robo-Nose, carrying two massive hunks of metal shaped like rectangles. The Apneans placed the blocks on top of each other. But they didn't touch.They just hovered in midair like two magnets repelling each other.

I knew from science class that magnets also draw things together. Robo-Nose fired up its snore engines and hovered between the two floating magnets. Instantly, the space nose's nostrils started flaring.The ground below quaked with tremors. I was just about to turn and fly away when a fleet of booger-shaped blobs flew out of Robo-Nose.

The booger blobs were vehicles the size of large jellyfish. Two weapons that looked like torpedo launchers were at their sides. The blobs positioned themselves in battle formation and test fired at the surrounding pine trees. Lethal, laser-like nose hair rockets shot from their guns, blasting the towering trees into toothpicks.

A rocket ricocheted off a large rock and then beelined in my direction. I managed to duck out of the way, but the rocket's tailwind made me bank sharply to the left.The gust of sudden wind caused my butt to rise in the air, and, like the rudder on an airplane, made me pitch downward into a descent. I inhaled with all my might, desperately trying to gain altitude, but it was no use.

I was crashing nosefirst into Robo-Nose's staging ground.

CHAPTER 21

BATTLE OF THE BOOGER BLOBS

I
hit the ground so hard my nose was impaled by a mound of dirt. As I struggled to free myself, a sharp pain ripped through my backside. An Apnean had shot me in the butt at close range with a lighting wand!

“Owww!” I screeched and yanked my nose from the ground.

Mucky soil had packed into my nostrils like cement. My face scrunched up, my eyes closed tightly, and I sneezed. The sludge lodged inside my nose discharged directly into a platoon of Apneans. They must not have been wearing their invisible shields, because the expulsion sent the invaders tumbling into the forest.

The Booger Blobs were on me fast. A round of nose hair rockets blasted in my direction. Before they could send me to nose-picker heaven, I inhaled a large gust of wind and soared into the sky. I attempted to outmaneuver them, but they were too fast. Remembering the Forest Moon of Endor chase scene from my all-time favorite movie,
Star Wars Episode VI
, I dived straight for the heart of the dark forest.

I dodged and ducked my way through the trees, careful of low hanging branches and fallen limbs. The booger blobs were hot on my nose. Hair rockets exploded all around me. I snorted a snoot full of cayenne pepper and shot a spicy blast right at them. Just like when I was on the Apnean ship, my snot bomb ricocheted off of their invisible shields and bounced harmlessly away.

The lead booger blob—which was a dark green color like the infected snot from a cold—soared to my rear.The thing was so close I could hear the slurping sound of its phlegm-powered engines.

Click…click…

The sound of the booger blob locking and loading its nose-hair guns was unmistakable. In an act of desperation, I scraped the forest floor with my hand and grabbed a handful of sticky pinecones. I hurled the seed cases over my shoulder directly at the booger blob.

The pinecones miraculously penetrated the deflection shield and stuck to the flying mucus like a Band-Aid. I watched as the booger blob sputtered. Snot fuel sprinkled from its tank, and it crashed to the ground in a brilliant explosion of loogies and gray-green discharge. Another booger blob raced beside me. Before the snotty thing could raise its rockets and fire, I swung my head and nudged the alien with my nose. My efforts knocked the booger blob off balance just enough for me to bombard it into submission with more pinecones.

I didn't have time to ponder why pinecones breached their invisible shields and not the Cayenne Cannon. Maybe when I speared one with a pinecone, it affected their balance and sent the slimy things into a deadly tailspin.

A nose-hair rocket blasted past my head and nearly ripped off my nose. I turned and saw two-dozen more booger blobs racing after me. Six of them were gaining on me fast. I knew I could never fight that many at once in nose-tonose combat. So instead of throwing pinecones with my hands, I shoved them up my nostrils and fired them like missiles from a jet fighter. One by one, the booger blobs dripped away like a runny nose on a winter day.

I flew as fast as I could, inhaling deep snorts to keep up my speed and velocity. When I was sure no more Booger Blobs were coming after me, I inflated my nostrils and rose over the forest canopy.

That's when I saw Robo-Nose expel a blast of hot air from its nostrils.The rancid nasal expulsion withered vegetation and scorched the earth. The giant nose's snoring became so loud it made my ears ring. The olfactory energy made the floating magnets grow hotter. Flashes of brilliant emerald green and pink lights illuminated the sky. The light show was spectacular, like having a front row seat at the aurora borealis. I was spellbound until I looked back down at the ground.

The earth below Robo-Nose was shaking violently. A small fissure had split open the ground and was growing larger. Forty-foot high trees toppled and two-ton boulders rolled into the crack like toy marbles. I watched helplessly as the crevice slowly expanded outward in all directions.

More booger blobs appeared on the horizon. Apnean ground troops formed a column and marched along the fault line. They were heading straight toward Dr. Wackjöb's compound and then on to Denmark for the destruction of our town.

CHAPTER 22

POLYDIMETHYLSILOXANE AND CARBON NANOTUBES

T
he Cosmoscope was shaking like a dog in a thunderstorm when I landed back at the compound. I rushed inside the observatory and saw Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers desperately trying to stabilize the giant telescope.

“Help us, Schnoz!” Vivian shouted when she saw me.

“Grab this strap and secure it to the wall,” Dr. Wackjöb ordered.

I tugged the long leather strap and hooked it to an iron peg screwed into the wall. Jimmy did the same on the other side. After a few tightening adjustments, the Cosmoscope stabilized into position.

“Robo-Nose started an earthquake,” I said, out of breath.

“I figured it was either that or a massive elephant herd was stampeding our way,” Jimmy said.

“What do we do now?” Mumps asked, a look of fear in his eyes. “Are we all going to die?”

“No one is dying,” I consoled him. “Not as long as Super Schnoz is still alive and sniffing!”

“What did you see out there?” TJ asked me.

I filled them in on everything, from landing nosefirst into the dirt, getting my butt zapped with a lightning wand, to my epic battle with the booger blobs. Dr. Wackjöb turned as white as vanilla ice cream when I told him about the giant magnets and the magnificent light display.

“What's happening?” Vivian asked, seeing the seismologist's concerned expression.

“The Apneans' mission to destroy Earth has begun,” Dr.Wackjöb said grimly. “They will cause massive earthquakes, tsunamis, climate change, and ultimately our species' extinction.”

Vivian, Mumps, and I looked out the observatory window. In the distance, I heard the awful phlegm-sucking sounds of the booger blobs' engines. The trees were shaking; the Apneans were getting closer.

“Now that we know what they're trying to do, let's come up with a plan to stop it.” Vivian said.

“We already thought of a plan back at the Nostril,” I told her. “Robo-Nose must be destroyed. It's like killing the queen of a beehive. Once the queen bee is gone, the hive is doomed.”

“Perfect analogy, Gríöarstór Nef,” Dr. Wackjöb said to me. “But even my superior mind cannot think of how we can destroy it.”

“We don't need a superior
mind
to stop that extraterrestrial snot maker, we just need a superior nose!” Vivian pulled Mr. Sticky from her coat pocket. “That and my little cold-blooded friend. We already know how to destroy Robo-Nose.”

I smiled at Vivian and then looked Dr.Wackjöb in the eye. “We have to plug up Robo-Nose's nostrils. If we can do that, the whole schnozola will break apart like a battered piñata at a little kid's birthday party.”

The floor shuddered beneath our feet. Dr. Wackjöb grabbed a door handle to stabilize himself. “You are absolutely right,” he said. “Why didn't I think of that?”

“Who cares who thought of it!” Vivian hollered. “We're running out of time!”

Dr. Wackjöb stared at the ceiling, muttering to himself. “Nose, nasal passages, blockage. Congestion, allergies, head cold, nasal polyps…I got it!” he yelled.

“What is it?” TJ asked.

“We need to make some kind of synthetic mucus,” Dr. Wackjöb explained. “It must be the thickest, most gelatinous substance on earth.”

“The footpads on a gecko's feet make some of the stickiest substances on earth,” Vivian said.

Dr. Wackjöb nodded his head. “Setae. You are absolutely right. All I would need to produce synthetic setae quickly is polydimethylsiloxane and carbon nanotubes, which I have inside my laboratory.”

“What about sticky pinecones?” I suggested, and then I told him how the pinecones were able to pierce the booger blob's invisible shields.

“It probably wasn't the pinecone itself that had the penetration power,” Dr. Wackjöb said. “But rather the resin surrounding the pinecone. That's another good source of stickiness.”

“We have two ingredients,” Jimmy said. “Synthetic gecko feet and pinecone gunk. Is that enough to make fake snot?”

“We'll need a liquid base to hold all the ingredients together,” TJ said.

“You can use my own snot for a base,” I offered. “It's almost allergy season and my mucus is as thick as whale blubber.”

“Perfect,” Dr.Wackjöb said. “Let's get to work!”

CHAPTER 23

TRAIL OF HÁKARL

D
r. Wackjöb drained the above-ground swimming pool behind the Cosmoscope. Everyone stood back as I filled it back up with every drop of my gooey snot. The pool looked like a giant bowl of tapioca pudding topped with green raisins.

“That is plenty for the base,” Dr. Wackjöb said. “Mumps, I need you to collect as many pinecones as you can carry. TJ, follow me to the laboratory. I will need an assistant to make the adherent mixture.”

Mumps disappeared into the woods and Dr. Wackjöb and TJ hurried into the laboratory. The dirt rumbled underneath our feet. Robo-Nose's angry snores grew louder. Dr.Wackjöb's compound and the town of Denmark were first in line for the Apneans' total domination of Earth.

“How are we supposed to shove fake snot up Robo-Nose's nostrils anyway?” Jimmy asked.

I shrugged. “Dr.Wackjöb will let us know.”

“We need to lure Robo-Nose to us,” Vivian said. “Just like in Hansel and Gretel, but instead of a trail of bread crumbs we leave Robo-Nose a trail of rotting, urine-soaked shark meat.”

Jimmy plugged his nose. “Schnoz, you need to get it within whiffing distance of Robo-Nose. The smell of the stuff makes me want to throw up.”

“He's right,” Vivian added. “I can't go anywhere near the stuff either.”

The harness I used to transport Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers to Dr. Wackjöb's compound lay crumpled in the weeds. It gave me the perfect idea.

“I load up the harness with the hákarl,” I said. “I'll fly over the Apneans' staging ground and drop a hunk every twenty yards or so. Remember, Robo-Nose is an exact copy of my sneezer. If I love the luscious smell, then my mirror image will too.”

“It sounds kind of risky to me,” Jimmy said.

“We don't have any other choice,” Vivian told him. “If the hákarl doesn't work, we'll all be dead meat just like those poor decomposing sharks.”