Super (Book 2): Super Duper (5 page)

The plumber wasn’t impressed by my work so far. In
fact, he was downright dismissive when I offered to let him
use my plunger and the tool I couldn’t name for a million
bucks. But he was able to fix both of my problems with
relative ease.

It was after nine before I got back to my own apartment.
As I collapsed on the couch, I was overcome with relief. Most
of it was just knowing that I wouldn’t be getting any more
bathroom visits from the Pham but part of it was satisfaction
of fixing Mike’s problem, too.

The relief was quickly replaced by anxiety as my
eye caught my handbook spread out on the coffee table on
the introduction page just as I left it.
Well, better get started
,
I thought to myself while grabbing a couple of Doritos and
dipping them in the cream cheese.
It looks like it’s gonna be an
all-nighter.

Lifting my head up hurt. It might have been the angle
at which I had apparently been sleeping. I was still sitting on
the floor between my couch and coffee table. The right side
of my face felt funny and I realized why when I reached up
and pulled off the notebook paper stuck to my right cheek
with a combination of drool and chip crumbs. Looking at it,
I realized it was a page of the notes I had taken down when I
was studying the night before.
Figured
, I thought.
The first rule
about all-nighters is that you don’t fall asleep.

And that’s when I remembered I had to take a test this
morning.
I looked at the time. It was just after six am. If I got
going now, I’d make it to the test on time but just by the
skin of my teeth. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem
was that even though I had spent almost all night studying,
I couldn’t remember anything. My mind was completely
blank. I couldn’t have written my own name without someone
walking me through it. I couldn’t take this test.
I saw Crash swimming out of the corner of my eye.
“What am I gonna do, Crash?” He rushed into his castle and
didn’t come back out. I guess he wasn’t going to be any help
at all in this situation.
I took a deep breath. There was only one thing I could
think to do.
Cheat.
Sitting in the waiting room waiting for Miss Fine to
come out of her office, I was sweating like a prostitute in a
church pew. Waves of guilt were radiating from my right
sock, which is where I had stashed a few cheat sheets in hopes
of passing. People walking by were giving me strange looks
and I just knew they could see the word CHEATER branded
into my forehead.
I can’t do this
, I thought.
I have a better chance
of running away and going underground than I do passing this test.
I should leave. I should just leave.
Just as I was standing up to go, Miss Fine appeared.
“There are you are. Ready?”
She didn’t wait for me to answer. She motioned for
me to follow her and walked back into the office maze. I
reluctantly followed. We stopped in front of a nondescript
office door and Miss Fine used a key to open it. Inside, there
were several rows of student desks with a white board along
the wall. It reminded me of the college classroom I’d never
attended.
Miss Fine pulled two booklets from a cabinet—one
with the questions and one for the answers—and handed
to them. “Sit anywhere,” she instructed. I chose one of the
closest desks to the door and got settled. “I’ll be back to collect
your test booklet in two hours. Good luck,” she added but her
tone made me question whether she actually meant it.
She left and closed the door behind her with a definitive
click. I finally let out the breath I had been holding since I
the waiting room. I had just flipped opened the test booklet
when the door opened again. Miss Fine was standing in the
doorway holding a small scrap of paper. Even from across
the room, I recognized the chicken scratch handwriting as
my own. My heart dropped into my feet—coincidentally near
the location of the rest of my cheat sheets. “Audrey, does this
belong to you.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Inside my
head though, I screamed
Shit! Shit! Shit!
over and over again.
Miss Fine spoke again. “Audrey, did you drop this?”
“Uhhhhhhh, yeeeeeeaaaahhhh.” It didn’t sound like
me but I guess it was me saying that.
She crossed the distance between us. “Here. You’ll
need it.” She placed the piece of paper on my test booklet
and walked back to the door. Then, she turned back to face
me. “You didn’t read the instructions I gave you, did you?” I
didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I just
sat there staring at her stupidly.
Miss Fine’s mouth turned up into a smirk. “If you
had read your instructions, you would know that you could
use reference sheets during this exam. You could have saved
yourself the trouble of trying to cheat—trying to cheat badly at
that.” She yanked open the door and stalked out murmuring
“You’re making this too easy,” as she did.
Left alone in the room again, I felt stupid. But I had
wasted enough time and I still had a test to take. I quickly
reached down and grabbed the three other squares of paper
from my sock. They were soaked in sweat.
Gross.
But I
needed them. Arranging them all on my desk, I opened my
test booklet again and started the test.
“Wrong.” Miss Fine used the word to punctuate her
red pen darting across the page of my test answer booklet.
“Wrong,” she spat out again. We were back in her office after
I finished my test. She had begun grading it immediately.
I sat in the chair across from her desk nervously biting my
nails and jumping every time she spat out another “Wrong.”
Finally, her red pen stopped moving. She cleared her
throat, added a few notes to her ever present clipboard, and
placed my test booklet into a file. “You may go now,” she
announced.
I was confused. “But how did I do?”
“The test is more about getting to know how you think.
We want to know more about what you would do in certain
situations and how your problem solved. There’s a lot to be
learned when you analyze how a person thinks.”
“What do you think of my thinking?”
She pursed her lips. “Not much.”
“You may go now.”
“That’s it?” It was so anticlimactic. I expected to be
given a grade or some sort of confirmation that I was on the
right track.
Miss Fine shuffled some papers on her desk. “For now.
Your next test will be on Friday in the field to determine how
fit you are to perform in the field. I’ll let you know what time.”
She went back to making notes on her clipboard. I
stood up to go but not before taking sneak peek at what she
was writing. I couldn’t make out much except something that
looked like “possibly illiterate.”
So far, it didn’t look like I was doing much to impress
Auditor Fine. And the odds of that changing were looking
less and less likely.

For as long as I can remember, when the Harts had
something to celebrate we went to Shogun, a Japanese steak
house in midtown Manhattan. The chef cooks your meal
right at your table and does all of these tricks with the food.
A volcano from an onion. Getting each member of the party
to catch a flying shrimp in their mouths. It was a lot of fun.

We went every time something great happened to us.
Dad got another commendation from the Council. Mom’s
alter ego received a promotion from the library foundation.
Ella being accepted into Super school early. Ella receiving her
first book deal. Ella receiving tenure at NYU. We went a lot
for Ella, actually.

When I passed my Super test for the first time, everyone
was surprised—including me. During my four years of
Super school, I hadn’t displayed any aptitude for anything
in particular. My grades were mediocre at best. I tended to
be lazy and unmotivated—basically everything I still was in
my thirties.

So when I got that letter in the mail from the Super
Council that started with “Congratulations” instead of
“Unfortunately,” we were all shocked. We went to dinner
that night at Shogun as a family and for the first time we were
there to celebrate something amazing I had done.

But my test with Miss Fine didn’t feel anything like
that. First, because I hadn’t really won anything. I was just
trying to keep something I already had. And secondly, my
family wouldn’t be cheering me on because I hadn’t told
them and I still had no intention of doing so.

“Audrey? Did you hear me?” My mother’s voice
startled me out of my thoughts. She was sitting at one end of
the table with a fork full of food and expectant look on her
face. Both Ella and my dad wore similar expressions.

“No. What did you say?” I shoveled some mashed
potatoes from my plate and into my mouth. I need strength if
I was going to pay more attention at this dinner.

Mom lifted a questioning eyebrow. “I asked what you
did today. What’s going on with you?”
“Well, um, I had to get a broken window fixed. Rent
is due tomorrow so I got a bunch of checks and I had to take
them to the bank. I cleared some leaves out of the walkways.
I helped Outside Bob get his kite out of a tree—”
“Who is Outside Bob?” my dad interrupted.
Ella answered for me. “Isn’t he that homeless guy that
hangs out around your building?”
“He’s not homeless. Not exactly.”
“Does he live in your building then?” Mom asked.
I took a sip of my beer. “Well, no. But it’s not like he’s
homeless. He just kinda lives outside. That’s the best way to
describe it. That’s why we call him Outside Bob.”
Ella narrowed her eyes at me. “So how does a homeless
guy get a kite?”
“Who knows?” I shrugged. “He’s a pretty resourceful
guy. I guess you have to be if you’re going to just stay outside.”
Mom put down her fork. “What an interesting job you
have, Audrey. Do you have anything else you’d like to share
with us?”
Oh shit. She knows.
But I found the strength to eke out
“Nope. My life is boring.”
Mom clasped her hands together. “OK then. Let’s get
to the vote.” Me, Ella, and Dad groaned in response. A little
piece of me was happy that I wasn’t the only one who saw
how ridiculous the whole thing was. “We’ll do a simple vote
by hand. Everyone in favor of—”
“Wait,” I interrupted Mom. “How about a secret vote?”
She didn’t even hesitate. “No. Now everyone for my
idea of a glamourous New Year’s Eve theme, raise your
hand.” Mom and Ella raised their hands. When she realized
that I hadn’t raised my hand, Mom turned to me. “Audrey?” I
looked down and concentrated on moving my peas and mash
potatoes into a pattern.
Now it was Dad’s turn. “And who wants my idea of
dressing in comfortable clothes that we also take a nap in
later? Raise your hand.” Dad raised his hand and I continued
to study my plate intently. “Audrey you didn’t vote.”
“I’m abstaining,” I said.
“You can’t abstain!” Mom cried. “You have to vote!”
“Fine!” I yelled back. “I vote for Dad.”
Dad pumped his fist in the air and shouted “Yes!”
“Don’t get so excited, Dad,” Ella said drily. “All she
did was make it a tie. How do we settle this?”
“Coin toss,” Mom and Dad said in unison from
opposite sides of the table.
Dad was digging in his pockets for a coin before
anyone else could say anything. “Call it!”
“Heads!” Mom shouted back.
Dad tossed the coin in the air toward the middle of
the table and we all leaned in to see what the result would
be. It was heads. We all sat there in a stunned silence for a
moment, waiting for Mom to crow about her win. But all she
did was break out into a big smile and say “Good. Now let’s
have dessert.”
Mom and Ella got up and started clearing the table
to make room for the cherry cobbler. While they were in the
kitchen, I turned to Dad. “Sorry you didn’t win.”
“Oh I don’t know about that,” he said, taking a sip of
his beer. “Your mother won today but in a few weeks she’s
going to want me to get dressed up and go to that Council
winter ball. And she’ll feel so bad for winning today that she
won’t give me much shit when I tell her I don’t feel so good
so I’m gonna stay home to watch football.”
I felt a renewed admiration for my dad. “So you never
were serious about wanting to pick the theme anyway, huh?”
He winked at me. “Come on now, girl. Pajamas? In
what world would your mother take a picture in pajamas?”
Before I could answer, Mom and Ella came back with
plates of warm cobbler covered in thick vanilla ice cream.
Mom set down an extra-large portion in front of Dad and
gave him a little kiss on the forehead. Dad raised his eyebrows
knowingly at me and dug into this cobbler.
I just shook my head and took a bite of dessert.
The
more I think I know, the less I actually do.

“Hey, wait up!” I was chasing Ella down the sidewalk
in front of my parents’ place after dinner. She bought a place
pretty close to my parents’ years ago when she sold her first
book. She usually walked home from family dinners.

She was only half a block ahead of me but I was loaded
down with the leftovers I’d taken from dinner. At first, I
thought Mom wouldn’t give them to me because I had voted
against her. But she did it without comment. It was only when
she handed them to me that she said “You owe me.” The way
she said it made me think twice about taking the food but in
the end, I did it. I was doing OK financially but I was no fool.
Free food was still free food.

“Are you following me home to pick up your cat?” Ella
asked when I finally caught up to her.
I knew she wasn’t serious. “No, I told you I can’t do
it.”
“Then what do you want?”
Ella was really into fitness. She worked out five times
a week. I wasn’t sure if it was just another way for her to be
an overachiever, but I knew she could help me with what I
needed next. “I need some gym recommendations.”
“What?” Ella’s mouth dropped open. “You want to
work out?”
I balanced my mother’s Tupperware on my hip. “Well,
I have this physical fitness test coming up and I—”
Ella narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Is this for the
building manager’s license?”
“Yes!” I said, kinda excited that I’d already told a lie
that would fit for this situation, too. “Yes, that’s exactly it.
And I want to get some endurance up. Maybe help with my
flexibility.”
“I guess I can take you to my gym on Saturday.”
“Well, the test is Friday.”
Ella put her hand on her hip and for a second she
looked even more like Mom than usual. “You think you’re
going to increase your endurance and flexibility by going to
the gym one time?”
I shrugged. “It couldn’t hurt.”
Ella shook her head. “You’re hopeless, but I’ll take
you.”
“Great!”
“I’m working from home this week. Meet me at my
place tomorrow morning.”
I winced. “Ugh. Morning?”
“Yes, you have to get there before it gets crowded. We
could make it ten. That’s not that early.”
Beggars can’t be choosers. “Sure. I just have to find
something I could work out in. I don’t think I have anything.”
Ella looked my tee and jeans combo up and down. “Just
wear your regular clothes. It’s not like you’re ever wearing
anything nice. You could probably dig a ditch most of your
stuff and no one would even notice.”
“You’re late,” Ella said as she opened the door on
Thursday morning.
Of course I was late. If you ask me to come some place
before noon, I’m probably going to be late. The only time
I’d even really worried about it was with Miss Fine. And as
annoying as my sister was, she wasn’t anyway as scary as
Miss Fine.
But I couldn’t tell Ella that. “It was a crazy morning. I’m
still collecting rent. And I think one of the tenants is hiding a
dog. I was hearing weird noises last night.”
“But you said it’s a pet free building!” Ella cried. “If
they have a dog, you can take Din-Din.” At the sound of her
name, Din-Din appeared behind Ella and rubbed her body
up and down Ella’s leg.
“It is! It is! If there’s a dog, he’s got to go.”
Ella narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously. “Sure. Let’s
get going.” We both gave Din-Din some goodbye petting, Ella
locked up, and then we headed down the street to her gym.
On the walk there, I had time to compare Ella’s outfit
to mine. She was wearing form fitting workout capris, a
racerback top with the logo of a very expensive athletics
company, and a matching jacket. And she was wearing
sneakers that probably cost more than my Twinkie budget
each month, which was pretty considerable. On the other
hand, I was wearing an oversized white tee shirt, a pair of
ratty, holey sweats, and an old pair of sneakers I’d found in
the back of my closet. But for our reddish brown curls and
the fact that we always seemed on the edge of a fight, people
might not know we were sisters.
I was huffing to keep up with Ella. “Why are you
walking so fast?”
“It helps to get your warmup up on the way there.
Then you can go right into the workout,” she explained. “I’m
going to show you a few exercises you can perform and some
machines you can use. And I’m going to get you a temporary
guest pass for you to come back on your own.”
“My test is tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll need to come
back.”
“You’re getting older. It’s time for you to start taking
care of yourself. What did you eat for breakfast?”
I thought about it a moment. “Ice cream,” I mumbled.
Ella opened the door of the gym. “That’s exactly what
I’m talking about.”
Her gym was just what I’d expected. Loud music
pumped from speakers in every corner of the space. The
walls were covered with mirrors. Rows of machinery filled
the main space with a large weight area off to the side. Even
before noon, it was filled with people wearing outfits much
more similar to Ella’s than to mine.
“Come on.” Ella grabbed my tee shirt and pulled me
over the receptionist desk. The receptionist, a beefy guy in a
tiny tank top, was turned away from us. “Excuse me,” Ella
said. “I need to check in and I want to get a guest pass for my
sister.”
“Is this her first time here.” The receptionist turned
around and I gasped. I knew this guy. He used to date
my sister. I’d only met him once but he was typical of the
inappropriate guys my sister tended to date. As smart as
Ella was, it wasn’t until I pointed out that a monosyllable
bodybuilder wasn’t a match that she broke up with him. Also,
his name was Rodney.
“Rodney.” Ella said his name exactly the way she said
mine when she wished I wasn’t there. It wasn’t a greeting. It
wasn’t a question. It was just an acknowledgement that he
still existed. Ella gestured to me as she filled out the form he
passed her. “You remember Audrey, don’t you?”
He gave me a tight lipped smile. “Sure. Audrey how
have you been?”
“Good,” I replied. “How’s your diet going?” Ella gave
me a warning look but I went on. “Also, I don’t know if you
know this, but that tank top is too small for you. Is that the
only size they make them in?”
Rodney just smiled. “The diet is going great. I cut out
the cheat days, though. Go big or go home, right? I’m really
serious about treating my body like a temple. And this shirt?
I love it. I think this is how it’s supposed to be worn, though.”
He knitted his eyebrows together and stared down at the shirt
like it might give him the answer.
Ella passed the form back to Rodney and grabbed the
guest pass on a lanyard that he slid back to her. “Ignore her.
She has emotional problems.” She tugged the lanyard over
my head, grabbed me, and dragged me away from the desk
toward a treadmill.
Her grip was pinching me. “Owwww! That hurts!”
Ella started mashing buttons on the treadmill and it
came to life. “You deserve it! Why are you so ridiculous? Get
on this treadmill.”
I stepped onto it and immediately started moving. “
I’m
childish? You could see his
nipples
. Why aren’t you hitting
him?”
Ella pushed some buttons on the treadmill next to mine
and hopped on. “I come here every day. You’re embarrassing
me. Rod and I are still friendly.”
“Rod? When you call him that, it makes it even worse.”
I huffed. The treadmill was going a little faster than I’d like.
I tried to slow it down but she reached over and slapped
my hand away from the controls. “I want to slow down,” I
complained.
Ella pushed some buttons on her treadmill and sped
up. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”
I laughed so hard, I almost fell off the treadmill. “Did
Rod teach you that?”
“Stop it! Just stop it! Every time you make fun of him,
you’re not really making fun of him—you’re making fun of
me. And you’re only making fun of me because I’m doing
something you can’t do.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that you can’t really connect with people.
You’ve never had a boyfriend. I actually don’t think you’ve
been on a date since high school. You don’t take any chances
to get out of your comfort zone. And you’re getting older
and you’re realizing that you’re going to end up alone and
probably living at Mom and Dad’s.”
“That’s mean!” She was wrong, of course. I’d been on
date just six months earlier. So there.
“No,
you’re
mean. And immature. And self-absorbed.
When was the last time you even cared about anyone but
yourself? When was the last time you made a real connection
with anyone?”
For a second, my mind flashed to Mike holding my
newly healed hand. That felt like something. But what?
Before I could think about it anymore, I lost my balance
on the treadmill and fell forward. My face landed hard onto
the moving belt. I yelled and tried to get up but I was caught
in something. The damn guest pass they’d given me was
caught in the machinery of the treadmill.
I tried to yell but my face was being dragged against
the moving belt. My arms and legs were flailing in every
direction. Ella and everyone around me was screaming.
Hands were on my body trying to drag me up but the guest
pass was holding my face down on the treadmill. Finally, the
machine just stopped. I felt myself being pulled up and I was
able to open my eyes a bit. The first thing I saw was Ella’s
stricken face.
“Are you OK?” a voice asked behind me. It might have
been Rodney’s but I wasn’t sure. “Someone call 911.”
“No!” Ella screamed. Then she reached over the
flipped my shirt over my head, effectively blocking my view
and exposing my bra and back fat to the world. “She’s fine!
She’s fine! I’ll take her the bathroom and get her cleaned up.
Everything’s fine.”
I felt someone’s hands on my shoulders—presumably
Ella’s—pushing me along. “I can’t breathe,” I tried to say but
it was muffled by the shirt. “It’s wet and sticky under here.”
But there was no response. I felt like I’d gotten the worst
rug burn in history and my head was throbbing. Finally, I
stopped being pushed. I heard a door slam closed and a lock
click. Only then did she pull the shirt off my head.
I looked at Ella’s pale face. “What is wrong with you?”
“What is wrong with
you
?!” she hissed back. Then she
answered her own question. “You’re the clumsiest person on
earth, you know?” She yanked a towel from the rack in the
bathroom and pushed it my way.
“It’s not my fault! Rodney gave me a defective guest
pass. And isn’t that machine supposed to cut off automatically?
And did you have to pull up my shirt?!”
“Yes, I did! It was either that or explain why your face
fell off and you’re still walking around like it’s nothing. And
you should be thanking Rod. He’s the one that cut off that
lanyard and got you unstuck.”
“Hmph.” I patted my face with the towel and it was
red and wet when I pulled it back. I was bleeding a lot. And
the burning that started back at the treadmill was now a full
on fire. It felt like someone had rubbed my face off with a
piece of carpet. “Do I even want to look in the mirror?”
Ella shuttered. “No. You look like your face is melting.”
She shoved the towel back up to my face. “I forgot how gross
you were when you did this.”
Well that was just rude. I was the one growing back
my face. And it hurt like hell. “Oh well I’m sorry to gross you
out. It’s just my face we’re talking about here.”
She was still staring at me with a grossed out look on
her face. “How long does it usually take?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends. Maybe ten or
fifteen minutes. We just need to wait.”
Ella put her hands up in defeat. Then she put the toilet
seat down, sat down it, and crossed her legs. I leaned against a
wall, strategically placing myself where I couldn’t see myself
in the mirror. We stayed like that in silence for two or three
minutes. It was me that broke it. “Ella, do you ever wonder
what life would be like if you didn’t have to be a Super?”
Her eyes flitted to me. “I
don’t
have to be one. Neither
do you.”
“I know. I mean, do you ever wonder what it would be
like if you had just a normal life?”
She thought about it for a moment. “I think my life
would probably be the same as it is now. But I think that my
life is pretty normal now. It’s all I’ve ever known.”
“Right. But what if you weren’t a Super?” I pushed.
“No license. No Council. Just you living life however you
wanted. Do you think you’d like it?”
“Sure,” she shrugged. “What about you? What if you
didn’t have a license anymore?”
If I knew that, I wouldn’t be asking you.
Before I could
answer, there was a knock on the bathroom door. Rodney’s
voice called through the door. “Hello? Ella? Audrey? Are you
guys all right in there? We have a first aid kit if you need it.”
“We’re fine!” Ella’s shrill voice echoed off of the tiled
walls of the bathroom. “We’re just cleaning up now. We’ll be
right out.”
I touched my face and felt a smooth surface instead of
shredded skin. “How do I look? Am I good?”
She studied my face seriously for a half a moment.
Finally, she said “It’s back to normal. But you need to do
something about your pores.”