sUnwanted Truthst (28 page)

‘Come in Jenny.' Martin pulled the window blind down to shut out the night sky. ‘I've put the electric fire on, it's chilly this evening.'

‘Did you enjoy your holiday?' Jenny said, sitting down. She had promised herself that she would be reasonable.

‘Well, the weather wasn't up to much, but Daniel loved windsurfing. He's been a changed lad since we got back. I've brought some cakes back from Cornwall for us. I'll go and get them.'

‘Did you get to see much wildlife?' she called after him.

‘Yes,' his voice echoed. ‘Puffins, guillimots, gannets, even seals. There were some good walks along the cliffs. I went out most days.' He poked his head around the door, ‘I kept wishing that you were with me, but you were in spirit.'

Jenny took a deep breath. ‘And Marilyn, did she enjoy it?'
So far so good
, she thought as Martin returned with a plate of scones and clotted cream.

‘She said she did. She played tennis with Daniel a few times when it stopped raining. God, how I missed you, you don't want to know what I thought about on those walks.'

‘I've a pretty good idea,' she grinned.

‘No you don't, it wasn't pretty, come here.' He pulled her up and pressed his mouth hard against hers.

She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. ‘Let's eat first Martin, I want to say something…' her voice trailed off.

‘Later, later,' he whispered, as his mouth explored her neck.

His smell overwhelmed her. She pulled his jumper over his head, undid his shirt buttons, trouser belt and zip. His jeans fell to the floor, and they each tore off what clothes remained on their bodies. Martin kicked both chairs out of their way and they fell to the floor.

Kneeling together in front of the fire, he bit each of her nipples in turn. She flinched. His hands pressed into the small of her back, and then reached under her buttocks and between her legs. She ran her hands through his hair, covering his face with kisses. He pushed her back; his tongue moving continuously over her skin. ‘I could eat every part of you,' he whispered, burying his mouth between her legs until she cried out with pleasure. She moved and sat astride him, caressing his chest with her lips. She moved lower, her hand between his legs, cradling him. She took him into her mouth until he moaned, ‘Stop, stop.' Pushing her back he fell across her and slid inside, his climax immediately washing against her womb. She tightened herself around him, wanting to absorb all of him; his seed, an embryo, a child, his child. Yes, she wanted that.

They lay exhausted with arms and legs entwined; their skin glistening in the glow of the fire. There had been an edge to their love-making tonight, she thought, both of them wanting to imprint themselves permanently on the other.

‘How can you go back to him after this?' Martin was the first to speak.

‘I can't, I can't go back, not just yet.' She kissed his forehead, his nose and his lips.

‘I'll make us a drink, when I feel strong enough to move. You know Jenny – my reality is here in this place, with you. I know we could be happy. We could go to Rome together – to see my relatives – that would be another capital off your list. When I go home now, it's as if I'm a visitor, calling in; looking in on someone else's life.'

‘I know, it's the same for me. That's what I wanted to tell you. I love you and want to be with you. But I can't do this any more Martin.'

He looked stricken as he stared at her. ‘What – you mean you don't want us to meet anymore?'

‘No, I don't want that, of course I don't. But I must try to make my marriage work, for Lorna and Nicky's sake.'

‘What about your sake?'

‘Perhaps what I want isn't so important at this time. Later on – then we can be together. This is what I wanted to say, before we did this, but I wasn't strong enough.'

‘So it is for the children?'

‘No, not completely; it's for my sake as well. If we carry on as we are, we will destroy what we have. I can see that clearly now, and I couldn't bear it.'

‘We could still meet; in a pub with other people around, like we used to. We could just talk, nothing would happen then.'

‘No,' Jenny said, with a strength born from self-knowledge. ‘That would be impossible, at least it would for me, and I think it would be the same for you. It's all or nothing for us, Martin. It always has been. I realise that now.'

‘You know I'm willing to leave my marriage for you Jenny. So just promise me one thing,' his eyes blazed at her, ‘that you'll phone if it gets too hard for you. I won't contact you. I'll give you a chance, even though…' He shook his head as he sat up and reached for his clothes. ‘I had something to tell you too, but it doesn't seem important now.'

‘Yes it is, everything you say to me is important.'

‘I've given up smoking.'

Lorna grimaced and whispered, ‘Mum, I hate celery,' as Maggie placed a plate of cold turkey and ham, edged with green sticks and tomatoes in front of her.

‘Just try and eat some with the tomatoes. Nanny's been very busy preparing a special lunch for us.'

‘Yes I have young lady. Don't you know it's rude to say you hate something,' Maggie said as she continued placing plates and serviettes on the table. ‘Your father had to eat what was put in front of him when he was your age, and so did I. There was none of this faddiness then,' she added as she took her place at the head of the table.

‘Come on you two, get up off that sofa and come and eat,' Reggie directed his words at David and Corinne. They had finally married at Brighton Registry Office on the winter solstice, with two friends as witnesses. Corinne's dreadlocks formed a grey curtain around her head, parting in the middle to reveal eyes, a nose and a mouth. Reluctantly they unwound their arms from each other's bodies.

They're really happy
, Jenny thought – remembering, not for the first time that day, her final evening with Martin. Every cell in her body ached for him. She knew how someone could die from a broken heart.

‘Well, Happy Christmas everyone,' Reggie raised his glass of Cava.

‘Happy Christmas,' they chorused.

Jenny picked up her knife and fork and started to pick at the turkey slices.

‘When can we pull the crackers Nanny?'

‘After we've finished eating, Nicky.'

‘How do you wash your hair Corinne?'

‘With difficulty and not very often,' Reggie muttered under his breath.

‘Nicky, stop staring at Corinne, and start eating.'

‘Leave the kid alone, Rob, he's excited. It's Christmas for God's sake.' David winked across the table at his nephew.

‘Uncle David, I've brought my Darth Vader light sabre over. Can we play
Star Wars
after lunch?'

‘I will destroy your world,' David spoke in a deep deliberate voice.

‘Is that a new jumper Rob?' Maggie asked.

‘Yes, Jen's Christmas present to me.'

‘That bottle green colour suits you. What did Rob buy you Jenny?'

‘A watch,' she pulled back the cuff on her blouse to reveal a thin black strap and chrome dial.'

‘That's lovely, isn't it Reggie? I hope that new job of yours isn't too much for you, Jenny? You don't seem your usual self.' Maggie peered over her pink-framed glasses.

‘No it isn't. It's only a few more hours than what I was doing before, and it's quicker to get there. It's the dark mornings and evenings, I always feel a bit down at this time of the year. I'll feel better once January's over.'

‘Well, there's a while to go yet. Mind you, I don't hold with all this talk about nerves and depression, I was listening to this programme on the radio the other day. What have people got to be depressed about these days? A few days hard work would soon cure them. They'd be too tired to feel depressed then.'

‘Yes, David, did you hear what your mother said?' Reggie looked down the table at his son.

‘I'm not depressed, nor's Corrine. Once we've finished kitting out the van, we're going to Scotland. We can get casual work up there. We'll probably call in and support the steel workers on the way. Being a wage slave in a capitalist society is enough to make anyone depressed. We'll never get rid of Thatcher now that we've got the Falklands back.'

‘There's a girl at work who suffers from depression and she works really hard,' Jenny added.

‘There you are. What did I just say?' David said, as Corinne's dreadlocks bounced in agreement.

‘I don't know why you stopped going to your ecology classes, Jen. You really enjoyed them, didn't you?' Robert spooned a large portion of pickle onto his plate.

‘I told you, they weren't as good as before, and I started my new job. I can always go to some more later on, and when the weather improves I'll go out more.' Jenny stared at her plate.

‘I can come with you Mum,' said Lorna.

Jenny turned and smiled at her. ‘That would be nice, I'd like that.'

‘I'd find being unemployed depressing,' Reggie said. ‘There are a lot of people losing their jobs at the moment. A man's not meant to hang around the house all day. Luckily I'm O.K. on the buses. You're alright at the council aren't you Rob?'

‘Of course he is Reggie. He's just been promoted, not before time either.'

‘Yes, thanks for reminding me Mum,' Robert threw a look at his mother. ‘There's going to be some reorganisation next year, Reggie, but it's not going to be middle management. So I'll be alright.'

Jenny pushed her chair back. ‘I'll collect the plates up for you Maggie.'

‘I thought you liked turkey,' Maggie said.

‘I do, it was lovely. It's just that I had quite a lot to eat yesterday.'

‘I was worried you might be thinking of becoming a vegetarian. One in the family's quite enough.' She looked down the table at Corinne.

‘I couldn't eat the celery Mum, I did try,' Lorna whispered.

‘Think of all those starving children in Africa, Lorna,' Maggie said, passing her plate to Jenny. ‘Can you bring in the trifle and the pudding bowls, please? There's also some Christmas pudding steaming for those who would prefer something more substantial. Rob, I think you should think again about sending Lorna to St. Mary's Hall. You can afford it now, what with your promotion, and Jenny earning more. The discipline's so much better in the private sector; and you get a better class of girl there. It's so important who they mix with at Lorna's age.'

‘But I love it at Varndean, Nanny,' Jenny heard Lorna's voice from the kitchen.

‘That's as maybe, but girls your age don't always know what's best for them.'

Jenny wondered what Martin was doing for Christmas. His father probably goes to their house, or they might all go to Southampton to his sister or parents-in-law. It couldn't be any worse than here. Jenny looked at her watch and wondered if Robert had given her it on purpose; as if time didn't pass slowly enough now. She picked up some spoons and carried the large bowl of trifle decorated with hundreds and thousands into the dining room.

‘From what I've heard about the girls at St. Mary's Hall, they're either the daughters of dodgy antique dealers or even dodgier businessmen. That's how they can afford to send them there,' Jenny said.

‘There may be a few like that, but there are a lot of professional parents too. All three of Dr Quigley's daughters go there.'

‘I think it's up to us how we spend our money, Maggie, seeing as we're the ones earning it. In fact we're all going to Cyprus at Easter to stay with my aunt. She invited us a while back.' Jenny's face was scarlet as she placed the trifle in the centre of the table.

Robert looked up open-mouthed, ‘Jen, Jen, calm down. Mum's only saying what she thinks is best for Lorna.'

‘Yes, exactly – what
she
thinks.'

‘Sorry, Mum, Jen feels strongly about this.'

‘You don't have to apologise for me Robert.'

Maggie pursed her lips as she looked at her daughter-in-law.

‘I didn't know you were a comrade in arms; solidarity with the workers, eh, Jen?' said David, grinning at her, while Corinne's dreadlocks covered her face.

Reggie picked up his cracker and pointed it at Nicky. ‘I think we'll pull the crackers now.'

Since last November Jenny never drove eastwards; whenever she needed time on her own to reflect, she either drove north, or turned the nose of her Morris Minor west, along the A27.

Leaving her car in the lane, she took the footpath alongside Clayton church and climbed steeply to the pair of windmills that crowned the hill, known as Jack and Jill.

Halfway up she sat down by a patch of cowslips to recover her breath. A cuckoo advertised its presence from a horse chestnut tree, heavy with candles. She stared into the distance. The weald stretched to the rise of the North Downs. The flint cottages of Clayton that had stood for centuries, gave way to small towns that had wrapped themselves around the main London to Brighton railway line. She felt the warmth of early summer on the back of her neck, and leant back into the tall grass and closed her eyes.

Robert had taken Lorna and Nicky to the Bluebell Railway. Nicky had been keen, but it had taken a Herculean effort to persuade Lorna to join them. As for herself, she had abandoned feigning interest in Robert's model exhibitions. In March she had said that she didn't mind going to watch him play cricket occasionally, but she was damned if she was going to anything to do with trains. Robert's jaw had dropped as he listened in silence to her outburst. He didn't ask her again. Instead, she went out either on her own, or with Lorna. Robert was going to drop the children back home later, and then visit his grandmother in hospital. The unaccustomed heat made her eyelids heavy. After a few minutes she woke to the screaming of the swifts, twisting and turning above her.
God, I wish Martin was here. I miss him so much. I never thought it would be this hard. This time last year…
she recalled their walks and lovemaking.
Perhaps he has the hardest part
,
surrounded every working day by tangible memories of their closeness
. He had kept his promise not to contact her. She wondered if he still thought of her when he was at home, or whether her physical absence had made it easier. Not an hour went by when she didn't think about him. To lessen the pain she forced herself to think about their holiday to Cyprus. They had decided to leave their visit until half term. The children were excited, and she was looking forward to it.

Nicosia – divided since 1974 – became the capital in 11
^th
century AD. The northern part now functions as the capital of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus. Venetian walls dating from the sixteenth century encircle the old
city with world famous Ledra Street in the middle.

Aunt Doris had said in her letter that they couldn't wait to show them around, and that she had something important that she wanted to talk to her about. Robert said that she was probably going to leave them some money in her will, but Jenny thought that unlikely, as they seemed to be the last of the great spenders, anyway, she had Alan and his family. She had already decided that she would mention her adoption to Doris while they were there. She no longer wanted it to be a family secret. She sat up and reached in her bag for an apple. A colony of ants scurried at her feet. As she bit into the flesh, she watched them weaving between the blades of grass; intent only on survival.

Jenny threw the core under a small hawthorn bush, stood up, brushed herself down and continued her climb towards the windmills.

*

‘
It's a Knockout's
coming on Mum,' Nicky shouted from the lounge.

‘I'll just be a minute,' Jenny shouted from the dining room.

‘I want this one, there's a stream in the garden,' she heard Nicky say excitedly.

‘No, that one's better, it's got some riding stables nearby. Quick hide them, she's coming.'

As Jenny walked into the lounge, she saw Nicky stuffing papers between the sofa seat and the arm. ‘What are you looking at?'

‘Nothing,' Nicky said, turning bright red.

‘It must be something. Whatever it is, it sounds fun.' She reached into the gap and pulled out a bunch of crumpled papers. Straightening them, she frowned as she looked at each one in turn.
Why on earth have they got these, they're Estate Agent's details – houses in Guildford; Shalford and Godalming.

‘Where did you get these from?' Two pairs of eyes stared up at her.

Lorna was the braver of the two. ‘Daddy showed them to us them this afternoon, after we'd been on the train. He asked us if we liked any of them. He told us not to say anything to you as it was going to be a surprise. You've spoilt it now Nicky – you stupid dolt.'

‘No, no it's alright. I'll forget I've seen them. You better put them back before Dad gets back. Were they in his desk?'

Lorna nodded, ‘But it's not a surprise any more.'

Jenny handed the sheets back to Nicky. He ran out of the room.

The three of them watched the programme in silence from the sofa. As giant padded penguins danced on the screen, Jenny was wondering when she and Robert would next be alone in the house.

*

‘For goodness sake stop doing that,' Jenny said, as Nicky absentmindedly kicked the kitchen table leg. ‘Why don't you phone Simon, he might be able to play this afternoon?'

‘I've already told you. He goes to his dad's on Sundays. Anyway, Lorna promised me she would come to the park with me. That's just like a girl to break her promise.'

‘But you know she always goes to the stables on Sunday afternoons.'

‘I don't see why she has to go every single week.' He started kicking again.

‘Look, just give Simon a ring. He might not have gone. If you don't ring, you won't know, will you?'

With a deep sigh, Nicky slid off the chair, and left the kitchen. Jenny opened the oven and removed a tray of sponge cakes. Hearing Nicky speaking she went into the hall. ‘Brill, I'll be round in half an hour then.' At the click of the handset she hurried back to the kitchen.

‘Well?'

‘Yes, he's there, they're just finishing eating.'

‘There you are then, what did I tell you?' Jenny said, placing each cake onto a wire rack.

‘Yummy, can I have one now?'

‘Alright then, take two with you, then Simon can have one.'

‘I'm off then.'

‘Be careful.' Since his tenth birthday earlier that year, Nicky had been allowed to cycle on his own to his friend's house, but Jenny didn't stop worrying about him until he returned.

‘Don't fuss, Mum,' Nicky said. He threw the cakes into a plastic bag and rushed out of the back door. Jenny went into the lounge and watched through the window as he cycled along the pavement and turned the corner. She could hear Robert moving about upstairs. He was taking three days extra holiday before half term to tackle and hopefully complete at least two unfinished projects. First on his list was to re-fix the front panel that had fallen off the bath, leaving a gaping black hole. Lorna was refusing to go in there, crying hysterically that she could see gigantic spiders lurking there. Jenny walked into the study, opened the top drawer to Robert's desk, and sprinted upstairs. Robert was dressed in a pair of dark blue overalls, and lay on his back attempting to push the panel into place. Tools were strewn across the floor.

‘Wretched thing never stays where it's supposed to.' He raised himself slightly. ‘Have you come up to see how I'm getting on?'

‘What the hell are these?' Jenny waved the house details under Robert's nose.

He sat up. ‘What are you doing with those?'

‘What am I doing with them? What are
you
doing with them? That's what I want to know.'

‘How did you get them? I told them not to say anything to you.'

‘They didn't say anything, at least, not until I saw them looking at them. They weren't going to say anything, because you said it was going to be a surprise. Well it's certainly that. Why have you got them?'

‘Oh, bloody hell, Jen.' His blue eyes stared up at her. ‘I wanted to tell you, but you've been so damned moody and snappy lately, I just couldn't. I thought… oh it doesn't matter now. I thought it would be best to wait until I knew for sure.'

‘Knew what for sure?'

‘That I'd got the job.'

‘Got the job, what are you talking about? You've already got a job,' she shouted.

‘No, I haven't, at least not for much longer. That's why I couldn't tell you, not until I knew I had another one. It's the re-organisation. My job's going at the end of July.'

‘You mean you've been offered a job in Surrey?' she emphasised the last word.

‘Yes, with Waverley Council. They offered it to me on Thursday, at the second interview. That's when I went to the agents.'

‘You mean you accepted a job in Surrey, without telling me,' she shouted. ‘Well you can't take it, can you? You'll have to tell them,' she lowered her voice.

‘Don't be ridiculous Jen. I won't have a job at all, if I refuse it.'

‘Well, you can always re-train for something else. Transport isn't the only job in the world you know.' She thought of Martin giving up his secure job in a bank.

‘Transport's the only job I know that I'm good at, and interested in; and it pays a good salary.'

‘What about my job? I haven't been there five minutes, and I enjoy it. I can't commute from Guildford, can I?' her voice rose to a crescendo. ‘I can't believe you accepted without talking to me about it.'

‘I couldn't tell you, at least not then. But it wouldn't have made any difference if I had told you. We'd just have had this argument a week earlier. I can't turn it down. It's for all of us, Jen. I'm getting more money, for God's sake. I'm sorry about your job, of course I am, but you can always get another job up there, when we're settled. We won't be short of money.'

‘Money's not everything you know,' she thought again of Martin. One of the things that made their separation bearable was that they still lived and breathed the same county air, and that she hadn't upset Lorna and Nicky. ‘What about Lorna? She's just settled at her new school, she has friends there. That's important at her age.'

‘She'll soon make new friends. Nicky seemed keen, when I mentioned it.'

‘Yes, he might be, but I bet Lorna wasn't. I'm not going Robert.' It was one thing to carry on with their life and remain where they were. But to move away, to give up her job – no – if her life was going to change it wouldn't be like this. ‘I'm not going.'

‘Don't be ridiculous, Jen. This is exactly why I didn't say anything earlier. I wasn't sure how you'd react. Can't you see it's really good news for us.'

‘Good news. Good news – what, that I'll have to leave my new job, and Lorna leave her school. What's good about that?' Jenny shouted.

‘You're completely over reacting. We can have a good life in Surrey.'

‘I don't want a good life in Surrey, I have a life here.'

‘Not without me and the children you wouldn't.'

‘I might.'

‘What do you mean, you might? You're not going to stay in Brighton on your own, are you? We can't afford two houses,' he gave a deep sigh. ‘For God's sake, any other woman would be pleased that I'd had the gumption to find another job and be accepted.'

‘Well, I'm not any other woman.'

‘No, you're not. You're moody and unpredictable. You're not the girl I married; a change would do you good.'

‘Do me good, do me good, it wouldn't make any difference, because I don't love you,' she screamed.

He stood up and faced her, his face drained of colour. ‘What the hell are you talking about?'

She smelt onion from lunch on his breath. ‘I don't love you. I love someone else.'

‘You love someone else – who?' A sliver of spit landed on her cheek.

‘It doesn't matter who, does it?'

‘It does to me.'

‘You don't know him.'

‘So that's alright then, is it? Oh I get it. It's someone at work isn't it? That's why you don't want to leave. You think you can go to him. Well, who says he wants you. You've been bloody moody ever since you started there.'

‘You're wrong. It's no one at work.'

‘I don't believe you. You would say that, wouldn't you? Who the hell is it then? You don't go anywhere else.' Jenny saw the truth dawning on Robert's face. His upper lip curled. ‘Of course, that's it isn't it? It's a man you met at those classes you went to last year. You went out on those so-called field trips in the evenings, and you go out when I go to the exhibitions. Are you still seeing him?'

‘No, I'm not,' she shouted.

‘Did you sleep with him?' His eyes bulged.

Jenny turned her head slightly so as not to see those eyes.

‘I'll take that as a yes then.'

‘You're not whiter than white, are you? What about those office parties? You never came home ‘til the early hours.'

‘What the fuck are you talking about?' He shoved her back against the bathroom wall, kicked his hammer out of the way and marched out of the room.

Jenny's heart hammered against her ribs as she stood staring at her reflection in the mirror above the wash basin; her lips apart as she breathed heavily. The floor was covered with tools, and the panel hung loosely from the bath. Five minutes later she heard footsteps on the stairs. Robert stood in the doorway.

‘Look I'm sorry Jen. I've been thinking, we've both made mistakes. I can forget about this afternoon, if you will. This is a good reason for us to move, don't you see – we can start again – somewhere new.'

Jenny took a deep breath. ‘No, I can't Robert. That's what I've been trying to do here. I'm sorry, I really am.'

‘Well fuck you then – bitch.' He slammed the bathroom door in her face. Jenny stared at the paint work and began to shake. A few minutes later she heard the revving of a car engine as Robert screeched away from the house.