Sundered (11 page)

As I climbed back over to my side, I turned back in time to see the pack emerge from the bush around us.

I walked slowly back to the house, the screams of the men only lasting a brief moment before they were cut off. This was a moment I wasn’t proud of. I was horrified deep within that I could essentially kill four men and feel nothing. No, that wasn’t true. I didn’t want to do it, but the world was now literally dog-eat-dog, and I would go down fighting every time.

I climbed the steps to the house and stared at the leader’s body, blood pooling around it and slipping through the cracks to the ground below.

It was then that I lost it, the shakes starting deep within my belly and spreading throughout my entire body, forcing me to the ground. I sat, leaning against the house, the body beside me as I waited for the shock to pass. When I was sure I wasn’t going to pass out, I let out a whistle. Within a few moments Nero came running up on the porch and leapt into my lap.

“
Good dog,” I said. When he went to sniff the body I reprimanded him lightly. “Leave it.” I stood slowly and with my hand against the house for support I stood over the leader.

“
I can’t let Sebastian see me like this,” I whispered to myself. I bent and picked up the man’s feet, dragging him off the porch and towards the gate. It was hard work, the body floppy and uncooperative, and I was sweating hard by the time I was only halfway. I paused and caught my breath, and stared down at the body at my feet, really seeing it, the open gash across the neck; the surprised expression on his face. Emotions started to well up and I pushed them back down. There was no place for that, not anymore.

With a heave I started to drag the body again, this time getting it all the way to the gate before considering a problem I hadn’t before considered. How the hell was I going to get it over the gate?

A grunt brought my attention to Scout, crouched back in the shadows. He stood slowly and approached me, his hands outstretched. We were going to have to work together if we were going to get this body over to him.

I lifted the feet up as high as I could; panting and breathing hard, a squirm of fear that Scout might make a grab for me while my hands were occupied. He reached over the fence and grabbed one boot, then the other, and yanked, snapping the body through the air and onto its side.

With a grunt and a smile, he dragged the body behind him to the edge of the bush and started in on it, his back hunched over the chest, and a loud crunching rolled over me followed by a wet ripping sound that I chose to ignore.

I made myself watch as he feasted on the body and thought about Sebastian, how soon it would be him eating whatever he could get his hands on. I hoped he was okay, hoped that he hadn’t been hurt. A part of me, though, hoped I didn’t ever have to see him shift, turn into a mindless eating machine, see him become like Scout, or Jessica or the Alpha.

Which would be worse, to lose him now and not know what happened, or lose him to the drug and forever have that image of Sebastian as a monster engrained in my mind?

13

The next morning was all about cleaning up the blood and hiding the evidence that the raiding party had ever been here. I didn’t need it as a reminder of what I’d done.

Exhausted from a long night of sleeplessness and hard work with the cleanup, I fell asleep around noon on our bed, Nero once more cuddled up behind my legs. It was a heavy sleep, dreamless and surprisingly restful. A light touch on my cheek snapped me awake and I lashed out, reaching for the knife under the pillow before I even opened my eyes.

“
Easy, babe, it’s me,” Sebastian said.

I gasped and let go of the blade and threw myself into his arms. All my thoughts of not telling him what happened broke under his presence and the words tumbled out of me along with the tears that I hadn’t been able to shed for the men that died, and the part of me that died along with them.

Sebastian stroked my hair and let me confess to him without a single word. Gulping back a final sob I looked up and had to force myself not to react. His skin had changed in the short time he’d been gone and the patterning under the skin up his neck looked a great deal like a faint tattoo. Exactly as Jessica’s had right before she left.

“
There’s nothing I can say that will make this better for you, babe,” Sebastian said. He continued to stroke my hair, never breaking eye contact with me. “You’ve got to be strong now. There’s no guarantee that more raiders won’t come, that you won’t be attacked again. In the past there was always someone to call for help, the police or neighbours. We have to take care of each other now, whatever that means and whatever that takes.”

“
It scared me how little I felt,” I whispered, “Like their deaths didn’t matter, when I knew they should have meant something.”

Sebastian frowned and shook his head. “Babe, you are going to have to fight to make it. Don’t let your fear stop you from surviving. I think it’s just your way of not losing your mind. Bad shit is going to happen, there’s nothing you can do about it but be strong.”

He pulled me tight into his arms, held me close and I let out a sigh of relief. “I was scared you would think I was an awful person for what I did.”

“
I’m going to try and eat people soon. I don’t think you have to worry about getting that bad,” he said. I knew he was trying to lighten the mood but he failed miserably, the shadows of what was coming for him lay heavy on us, a physical weight we both tried to ignore but couldn’t. I saw an image of Scout in my mind eating the body and it morphed into Sebastian, feral and nasty.

Sebastian stood up. “Come on; let me show you what I found.”

I followed him downstairs, prepared to be dazzled. Boy was I disappointed. The kitchen table was covered, but most of it wasn’t food. There were a number of different drugs; he’d found me some allergy medicine, batteries, and then some canned food of miscellaneous types. Nothing that would last much more than a week if I stretched it.

I forced a smile. “Looks good, how far did you have to go for all this?”

“
All the way down to Bowser. Most of the homes have been ransacked and I was chased by a few smaller packs, but it was quiet for the most part.”

“
What about Dan’s? Why didn’t you go there?” I brushed my fingers across the package of batteries, wishing they were edible.

Sebastian shook his head. “I went there first, but he . . .”

A grimace crossed over his face, twisting it into a parody of the man I loved. I reached out and he pushed my hand away, stumbling towards the front door.

“
Bastian.”

He didn’t turn around, just kept walking, using the furniture for support. I followed, knowing what was about to happen, wishing there was some other way, wishing I could help him. Wishing I could take his place. I let out a sob, it should have been me, I should have been the one to turn, not Sebastian.

He turned at the door, his pupils shifting, sliding into the vertical slit that was becoming so familiar to me. Tears dripped off his chin, the last tears he would cry as a human.

“
I love you.”

I ran to him; he tried to push me away. I wouldn’t let him go that easily. I pulled his head to mine and pressing my lips to his our tears sealed what would be our last kiss.

“
Always Bastian, you will always be my love. Forever,” I whispered against his mouth and then he jerked himself away from me and ran for the gate, climbing clumsily over it. As his feet touched the other side he let out a roar, guttural and wild. I slid to my knees, tears streaming down my face. The pack emerged from the bush, Scout creeping forward first, the Alpha and Jessica at the back like always.

They milled around him, sniffing and grunting and he pushed them away easily, making them keep their distance. When one got too close, Sebastian snapped his foot forward catching it in the mouth and sent it flying backwards. After that they easily gave him the distance he wanted. As they turned to go, the pack slipping back into the bush, Sebastian stayed, standing in front of the gate like a sentinel.

He turned his head and looked back at me, his now-foreign eyes meeting mine. With a low moan he dropped to the ground, tucking himself into the shadows that Scout had previously occupied. With my own moan my head dropped forward till it touched the wooden railing.

Sebastian wasn’t going with the pack. He was staying to guard me. I didn’t know what was worse, having him gone completely and knowing he had no memory left of his life before, or knowing that he was trapped inside a body with unnatural desires, and still remembering me and our love.

14

I spent the better part of the next three days hiding inside, sleeping and wishing I had the courage to take my own life, only moving when Nero whined for food or to go out. I dreamed of blood and death and knives, Sebastian making love to me, our child we never had, the men who broke into our house, and Jessica with her sweet smile. The dreams left me moaning and tossing, my own cries waking me up only to let the sadness swallow me down again.

On the third day a rock banged on my bedroom window and I leapt out of bed, half dressed and completely confused, scrambling for a weapon of some sort. Nero was on full alert, his hackles high and a low growl rumbling past his lips.

“
What the hell?” I muttered and made my way to the window to peer outside. Sebastian stood at the gate, a rock in his hand, arm cocked back and ready to throw.

I lifted the windowpane and hung my upper body out. “Okay! I’m up, stop throwing rocks, you nut,” I shouted at him. He blew a raspberry my way that I could hear even from this distance and sat back down in the cover of the bush, disappearing from view. But he was still there, he hadn’t left me, not completely, and he still had some of himself left, enough to still care about me.

Cold water makes a good bracer to wake you up in the morning, and I scrubbed my body clean in the back yard with a bar of soap and two buckets of water. I even found the energy to play with Nero, splashing him with water as he ran around the yard. Clean clothes next, and I felt more awake and ready to face whatever this day would bring me.

Suddenly ravenous, I went to the kitchen and pulled out a can of beans. I cracked it open and ate the whole thing down without a breath. A can of peaches was next, followed by a jar of maraschino cherries. The sweetness of the cherries slowed me down, and I took my time to savour the thick juice they were in, licking every finger to get the most out of the jar. I looked at what I’d done when I had finished, and even though I knew that it was no more than I would have eaten had I been awake the last few days, I still felt bad for eating so much in one sitting.