Sun Signs (9 page)
Well guess what. The miracle didn’t happen after all. When I found out that I still wasn’t cured after all that horrible chemo, I got mad and decided to give up on horoscopes. That’s when I discovered I’d become addicted to them. I couldn’t not read them. Have you ever heard of that before? I’ve heard of gambling addictions, alcohol and drug addictions, but horoscope addictions? Oh brother.
My science project is on hold. I took a break because I was so tired. I stopped answering my subjects’ emails because it took too much energy to pretend to be a fun, happy-go-lucky kind of Gemini. Now I’ve been told that one of my subjects may have been “faking” his data. I’d begun to suspect as much. So what should I do? Finish the experiment with just two subjects? I suppose I could fake all the data and write the report any way I want to. Mr. Selenski would never know. Whatever, it just doesn’t seem worth the trouble. It’s hard to care about one stupid school project when I may not even be alive a year from now.
Kaleigh Wyse
-------------- From:cosmicgirl
To: jselenski
Subject: Extension
Mr. Selenski,
I have decided not to complete my project after all. Things got too complicated near the end, and now I don’t really think it’s worth it. The whole thing was a stupid idea. I’ll accept the zero I get.
Kaleigh Wyse
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Extension
But Kaleigh, I’m afraid I won’t allow you to give up. You were doing a terrific job, and even if something did go amiss with your data collection, you just need to explain to me what happened in your written report. That’s all part of it. Science experiments are never without their hiccups.
There’s another reason you can’t quit on me, Kaleigh. The truth is, I’m actually becoming interested in astrology! (Please don’t tell anyone. I’d lose my reputation as a levelheaded, no-nonsense, fact-gathering kind of guy.)
And there’s one more reason you can’t quit on me. You still haven’t discovered my sun sign.
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: jselenski
Subject: Re: Extension
But Mr. Selenski, I’m so tired.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Extension
Dear Kaleigh,
You’re forgetting that I have endless patience. (Clue: which sun sign is so patient?) You can finish this project whenever you’re feeling well again. When the treatment is finished you will get your energy back. That is a fact. (And you know I don’t mess around with facts.) So hang in there. This too shall pass, as they say.
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Hit
Hi Kaleigh,
I hope that whatever is keeping you from writing is getting better. I miss you!
I just keep on getting hits with my daily horoscopes. Today Leos were to “feel some tension or distress as we try to figure out which way to go.” This is so true. I can’t go into details right now, but I have done something really stupid, and now I’m having trouble deciding how to get myself out of this mess!
Guess what. Now that my parents have “discovered” how unhappy I am on this island, they are trying to improve the situation. They’re researching activities I can do off the island, while still remaining a resident. For example, they’ve found an art camp for me to go to during spring break. It is a five-night camp, and they feel it will give me the “exposure to other teenagers” that I’ve been “pining” for. Whatever, I’m really looking forward to it!
Please write to me when you can!
Shari
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Hit—maybe
Kaleigh,
I’m afraid I’m doing it again. I won’t know whether I have a hit today until I decide whether to send this email.
I’ve been thinking about you a whole lot. I need to know why you “disappeared” so quickly. I can only think that you’re really really sick. Or you lost all your fingers in an accident. Or you’re depressed. My mom gets very quiet when she’s depressed. Could that be it? You always seemed like the opposite of a depressed kind of person, but as you pointed out yourself, we can create whoever we want to be when we’re online, right?
That’s why I’ve decided to finally come clean with you. It’s been fun playing these little games (guess my name, my gender, etc.), but I’m hoping that if I tell you the truth about me, maybe you’ll tell me what is going on with you.
So, I am James Robert Hopkins. I am a 16-year-old white male. (Very white.) I live at home with my mom. I have no brothers or sisters. My dad lives with his new wife in another city.
That’s about it. Pretty dull, huh? It was more fun being a mystery person.
Whatever.
Please let me know if you’re even out there. I won’t bother writing if you’re not reading.
Jamie
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: Re: Hit — maybe
Jamie,
Do you realize that’s the first time you’ve used my real name? And this is the first time I’ve used yours. It feels like a defining moment, somehow. :)
I’m sorry I “disappeared.” Can’t explain. Not yet anyway. Thanks for being there.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Hit — maybe
THANK GOD YOU’RE ALIVE!
I like that defining moment thought. I like it a lot.
Okay, now that I know you’re at least reading this stuff, I’ll keep writing. I’ve quit tabulating my hits and misses because without you responding, I’m not sure you’re even keeping track. I am still reading the horoscopes, though. It does become an obsession.
Things I’ve been wondering:
Is whatever it is that is keeping you from writing, the same thing that made you decide to do school by correspondence?
Are each of us distantstudybuddies hiding behind our computer screens for some reason?
Did that astrologer ever reply to you about the chicken/egg thing?
Jamie
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: starlight
Cc: 2good4u
Subject: Re: Kaleigh Wyse
Just wanted you guys to know that Kaleigh really is still reading her email, even if she isn’t writing. I’m pretty sure she still has all her typing fingers, so she’s probably sick or sad or something.
Anyway, I think she’d appreciate hearing from you, even if you’re not tracking your hits and misses anymore.
Jamie (formerly known as blondie)
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Recording hits
Hi Kaleigh,
I’m wondering if you still want me to record my hits. Since you’ve stopped writing, I thought you may have quit collecting data, too. Yes? No?
I sure miss you. Did you write to Blondie (Jamie)? He seems to know something I don’t. I’m jealous!
Shari
---------------
From: 2good4u
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: hit
Kaleigh — wherever you are — keep your fingers crossed for me. Stargazer said “leos would be rewarded.” Guess what? I’m being nominated for an academy award.
2good, as always.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Cc: starlight; 2good4u
Subject: Data collection
Hi guys,
It’s me. I’m back, sort of. Just dropping in to tell you not to bother collecting data anymore. I’ll just use what I’ve got, if I decide to even finish the stupid project.
Sorry I haven’t been in touch. I just lost interest in the whole thing. I always did think science sucked. I’ve decided astrology sucks too.
Thanks for trying to help me out with the project. You’re off the hook now.
Take care,
Kaleigh
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
Hey! You get me hooked on this stuff and then up and quit! No fair. Why do you think astrology sucks?
Jamie
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
Hey Kaleigh, I’m sorry about the astrology project. What happened? I thought you were really into it.
I hope we’re still friends. I really want to be.
Shari
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: starlight
Subject: Re: Data collection
I suppose we’re still friends. But really, how close can friends be when it’s all online? Oops, I’m sorry. You fell in love online, didn’t you?
k.
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
What do you mean “how close can friends be online?” I thought we were becoming really good friends! But, come to think of it, friendships have to be give and take. I see now that I did all the “giving.” I told you about my life, but you never told me anything about yours. I don’t even know why you’re a distant learner.
Maybe if you’d shared more with me, told me why you really quit the project, our friendship could’ve grown. You seem to have changed. I didn’t have to meet you in person to figure that out.
Goodbye Kaleigh. It was nice knowing you (or not).
Your ex-friend,
Shari
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: starlight
Subject: Re: Data collection
Shari, do you really believe that if I told you, through email, more about myself, that we’d become better friends? I could tell you anything I wanted and you’d have no way of knowing if it were true. What’s the point?
k.
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
You know, you’re right. It’s hard to know what to believe, isn’t it? And I know 2good must have made you suspicious.
Well, guess what. You’re right about me, too. I am not worthy of being your friend, online or off. There never was a Chris. Or a Matt. I made them up.
Shari, the online liar
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Data collection
2good, I know that some (all?) of the data you gave me was made up. The whole project was quite the joke, wasn’t it?
Just thought you should know that I know.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: 2good4u
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
hey, we had fun, doncha think? i really enjoyed being a famous movie-star stud, if only in my mind. And i’d started to fantasize about you, too. Sweet, sweet Kaleigh. i’m sorry my cover was blown so early in the game.
So who are u, really? i sense you’re not quite as sweet and happy-go-lucky as i thought. why do u do school by correspondence?
2good
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Re: Data collection
Why would I tell you anything?
kaleigh
---------------
From: 2good4u
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
Because u think I’m clever and funny and stud-like. And u have the hots for me.
2good
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Ha!
i needed a laugh. thanks.
k.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: Liars
So Jamie, i just found out that Shari’s a liar 2. My whole project was a complete farce. i feel like such a fool.
Anything u want to confess? Did u really save a girl’s life? Probably not. i don’t know what 2 believe anymore.
Kaleigh.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: B.A. Stargazer
Subject: Science Project
Ms. Stargazer,
I’ve finished the treatments, but still feel gross. I won’t know for months or even years whether the radiation worked or not. Even if the tumor appears to be gone, the cancer may have spread to other parts of my body. Not knowing is killing me faster than the cancer. And the treatments may have made me sterile. And they may have weakened my heart. Isn’t that just grand?
Everything is wrong. My real-life friends are gone. My online friends are just a bunch of liars. For a while I used you and your horoscopes to give me hope, but now I realize how stupid I was. Mr. Selenski tried to warn me, but I wasn’t listening. I guess I didn’t want to hear.
I can’t believe I’ve been writing to you like this. You must have had a good laugh. And here I am doing it again.
You won’t be hearing from me anymore.
Kaleigh Wyse
March 4
I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!
I must be getting my strength back. It was easier not to care either way, to lose the fear. It’s back, big time. Shit. What a friggin roller coaster.
I luv my mom. I do I do I do.
BUT I NEED HER TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOR A WHILE!!
Just the way she looks at me makes me crazy. All the pampering and the fussing and and and!!!!!!!! Even Dad seems to avoid her.
What have I done to their lives?
I just want to go back to the way I was, before cancer!! Is that too much to ask?
Obviously it is. I’ll never be that Kaleigh again.
I feel like such an idiot, being strung along by shari and what’s his fat face. And writing to that astrologer? What was I thinking! Writing in this journal is almost as stupid, but at least no one else is reading it. I guess if I had someone, ANYONE, to talk to I wouldn’t need this.
Life sucks. Even the word “life” is phony. It sounds active. Full of possibility.
It isn’t. I know that now. For a while we are tricked into feeling like it is, that the “sky’s the limit,” that only our attitudes can hold us back, that miracles are possible. Just another pack of lies.
Forecast For the Week of
March 5 – March 11
by B.A. Stargazer
